Functional family therapist and first new tool

[Parents! Get help here!]

So we have been receiving functional family therapy over these last  4 weeks . This involves a therapist visiting us once a week at home . The first three visits were spent with him getting to know us . The next few sessions will be geared towards him teaching us skills .
I thought I'd share the first of those tools as it's very simple and while We are still practicing it , it is so short and snappy, I'm finding its offering me some relief .
It's called an impact statement. Not designed to " fix" the situation or resolve arguements , it is merely a way to make your feelings known and to own these feelings . It doesn't even merit a response . So it goes like this ... .

" I feel... .(fill in the blank)... .when you ... .( identify the behaviour )."

Couple of examples I've used this week.

 I feel hurt when you roll your eyes at every little thing I say

I feel anxious and worried when you don't come home at our agreed time.

I feel annoyed when ive asked you to bring your dirty plates downstairs and they are still sitting there .

I feel happy when you clean your room. Thankyou.


So far I seem to be the only one trying to practice . We are supposed to each be making at least two impact statements a day . My daughter included. Of course she's not making as much effort as I, but nevertheless , I'm getting a tiny bit of relief in being able to express myself in this way . Almost like I've been given permission to say it how it is !

I think that identifying and naming our feelings  might also be a roundabout way of helping our BPD loved ones do the same as we all know how difficult that can be ! And sometimes even for us nonBPD , it's actually quite hard to put a word into describing how we are feeling in any given moment .

I'll let you know how things continue with thisfunctional family therapy approach and share my learnings

[Yepanotherone]

So we have been receiving functional family therapy over these last  4 weeks . This involves a therapist visiting us once a week at home . The first three visits were spent with him getting to know us . The next few sessions will be geared towards him teaching us skills .
I thought I'd share the first of those tools as it's very simple and while We are still practicing it , it is so short and snappy, I'm finding its offering me some relief .
It's called an impact statement. Not designed to " fix" the situation or resolve arguements , it is merely a way to make your feelings known and to own these feelings . It doesn't even merit a response . So it goes like this ... .

" I feel... .(fill in the blank)... .when you ... .( identify the behaviour )."

Couple of examples I've used this week.

 I feel hurt when you roll your eyes at every little thing I say

I feel anxious and worried when you don't come home at our agreed time.

I feel annoyed when ive asked you to bring your dirty plates downstairs and they are still sitting there .

I feel happy when you clean your room. Thankyou.


So far I seem to be the only one trying to practice . We are supposed to each be making at least two impact statements a day . My daughter included. Of course she's not making as much effort as I, but nevertheless , I'm getting a tiny bit of relief in being able to express myself in this way . Almost like I've been given permission to say it how it is !

I think that identifying and naming our feelings  might also be a roundabout way of helping our BPD loved ones do the same as we all know how difficult that can be ! And sometimes even for us nonBPD , it's actually quite hard to put a word into describing how we are feeling in any given moment .

I'll let you know how things continue with thisfunctional family therapy approach and share my learnings

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Thanks yep

That's a great post and a top tip.

I love the simplicity of it. Keep demonstrating the behaviour and your daughter will catch on. Empowerment works both ways.

Hugs

LP

[bpdmom99]

If there was a 'like' button, I would use it for this post!

Thanks for sharing.  We will see how it goes ... .!

[wendydarling]

Hi Yep

Here's one for you. I feel happy when you practice more than two impact statements a day   

It'll be interesting to see how this develops, keep it going.

WDx

[livednlearned]

Thanks for posting this. 

I'm trying to think of how to use this with SO's D20.

She will be here in 3 weeks, living with us for the summer, and is a "quiet" borderline. Her raging is internalized. Most of my struggles with her have to do with boundaries, both physical and otherwise.

I wonder if impact statements with a quiet BPD work better when they are both "I" pronouns?

Meaning, "I feel better when I have some alone time with your dad."

Or "I will feel better if I spend some time alone by myself for now."

I can see how the I/you versions will be easier when the behaviors being recognized are positive.

"I feel happy when you make dinner for us."

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi Yep,

We were trained to use "I" statements when my D17 was in residential, glad they are helping you guys too