Have you seen the karma?

[PolandSpring4]

On the one hand, my ex's life is full of drama and instability.  I suspect he is a lonely person.  But on the other hand, he is like Teflon.  He accepts no responsibility, voices no regret, and in his mind is virtually perfect -- the ideal boyfriend just waiting to be discovered.  Granted, my ex (according to my T) has many narcissistic traits which may make him less pitiful than your typical pwBPD.  Nothing seems to be cause for introspection for him.  Since my personal misery is mostly caused by regret over things I've done wrong, I often wonder what it feels like to cause such destruction and feel nothing but a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

I feel the same way sometimes. When I know I've hurt someone, even someone I don't know very well, I feel terrible. I want to make amends and apologize. Those feelings are amplified if I've hurt or disappointed someone I actually love. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to leave people in my wake, to not care about the misery I bring into people's lives. It sounds so appealing when you feel crippled by remorse... .but I would never want to be that person. How do you grow if you don't first accept that you're imperfect? That you've hurt people. That you've let them down, even the people you care about the most. I'll accept that pain if it means the lessons I learn from it makes me a better person tomorrow. More thoughtful. More considerate. More aware.

I know you're not saying you want to be the person who doesn't care. Just expressing how I feel because I've had the very same thought.

[justsomeone87]

I separated from my wife w/BPD 10 weeks ago after she cheated on me. I am seeing the karma, but I do not enjoy it. She has my S1 5 days a week, so if her life falls apart, he is effected too.
I used to control the finances because I know how to budget and get by paycheck-to-paycheck (she does not have this knowledge). Once I left, she became in control of her own finances. And she blew through her $4000 tax return in 3 weeks, and had to borrow hundreds of dollars just to make rent last month. She is about to end up homeless. She blames me for everything now wrong in her life, despite the fact that I've helped her out with $2500 since leaving (her car was about to be repo'd so I paid off the remaining balance for her. Technically it was my car but I gave her it). Nothing is never enough for her, and everything is my fault. I wish I could go NC but like I said, she has my son 5 days a week. It is very stressful.

[AustenJ]

My diagnosed xBPDgf has apologized to me profusely over the past few months about discarding me, and she knows she has been a destructive force in all of her relationships---friends, family, romantic partners. So one would think her self-awareness is a blessing, and this show of "empathy" is humane.

But I think all of this is just a ploy on her part... .to keep me attached in some way. I think she is still mirroring my empathy and compassion traits because that's a huge part of my personality. Empathetic borderlines are a sham--they are unicorns--they do not exist.

[stimpy]

My expwBPD definitely hasn't sailed through life.

Almost all of her relationships have been characterised by conflict, right from a young age. Sure she plays the vicitim, and her victimhood allows her to function - everything that has gone wrong is the fault of other people. This allows her to keep her view of herself as a good person.

But it is all very fragile.

Her lack of empathy I believe is at the root of all of her issues. Lack of empathy means a lack of guilt, and an inability to see other people properly. And the errors of judgement in her behaviour I think lead to conflict and arguments and this leads to shame on her part, so that ultimately I think she knows she cannot trust her instincts and emotions. And because she cannot judge the impact of her behaviour on others, she will forever make behavioural errors that lead to pain both for her and her partner. This cannot make life easy.

The solution for her problems seems to be to run away, and she has spent most of her life running away from people, her parents, her husband, her other boyfriends, me.

Oddly I saw her today, totally by accident, she was driving her car in the opposite direction to me and we were both in traffic jams and moving pretty slowly. She has quite a distinctive car, so it stands out quite a bit. Kind of upset me, and it seemed odd that she wasn't at work. Maybe she has lost her job. I don't  now. I sent her a very short "hope you are well" text, the first comms either of us have sent for almost 18 months. I don't expect a reply. But I am glad I sent it, I think it was the right thing to do.

[HopefulDad]

I don't know if it's so much as karma, but maybe more "be careful what you wish for".

While married, my ex was the SAHM while I was the full-time worker.  One of her big complaints was that I wasn't holding up my 50% of the parenting duties.  After some discussion on what she meant by that and clarifying that indeed she expected about a 50% timeshare on parenting duties, I replied, "Ok, I'll put in 50% of the parenting duties once you put in 50% of the financial contributions to this household."  She did not like that.

In divorce, I have 50% custody so now she's getting her wish on that parenting timeshare.  However, she's struggled mightily on getting back into the workforce.  Juggling her work with the kids, even having the kids only half the time, has been a major adjustment for her.

[once removed]

ive heard some say "the best revenge is a life well lived".

im not a believer in building our recoveries on a foundation of whether our exes succeed or fail (because it really has no bearing on us either way). nor am i believer in living a well lived life to spite someone else. i let god sort out what justice is. for someone to hurt me, im not made any better by their pain, or obstacles in their life. and if i am, what sort of justice do i deserve?

but i do believe a life well lived is a good place to put our energy. if we go on to healthier relationships, through work, thats a great accomplishment and something to celebrate; and its not about our exes or karma, but about us.

is it human to wish for justice/karma after weve been hurt? absolutely, and i certainly did. the desire was a burning, nagging feeling that fueled obsessive thoughts. it felt better than crying for her and being in pain. not only was it human, but a natural part of my grieving process. it was however, attachment, and while it was part of the journey, it was not the destination.

its a nice place to be in to be able to wish an ex well. i cant honestly tell you that years later i put a lot of energy into doing so, and im not sure that its necessary to recovery. but the real turning point was shifting the focus away from my ex and her outcome, and getting on the journey to better mental health and healthier relationships of all kinds. im glad for what i have to show for it today. call it karma or revenge if you wish 

[GreenEyedMonster]

ive heard some say "the best revenge is a life well lived".

I wholeheartedly agree.  I rarely think about my ex unless something comes up in life to remind me, or I hear something about him. 

I think part of why karma is so appealing to survivors of these troubled relationships is because our exes show so little personal accountability.  I don't arbitrarily wish bad things to happen to him because he did bad things to me.  It is that he needs a wake-up call and nothing seems to function that way, from being rejected by our mutual friends (eventually) to losing jobs or anything else.  Everything is always someone else's fault.  Karma appeals to me because I like to think that one day something will make an impact.  But I think that is wishful thinking; he will probably go on being shameless and never really change.  In that case, it is better that we aren't likely to meet again.

[publicdefender]

It is someone else's fault in the end, but has anyone here had their BPD have a moment of clarity?  When I was white mine told me that most people ended up hating her and she disliked it, and the first time I broke up with her she told me that she hates herself and doesn't deserve to be happy.  And she woke me up one night to tell me "You don't deserve what is going to happen, I'm so sorry."

As an aside I found out my BPD took a mutual friend's boyfriend home, the queen bee of one of our social groups, so now a lot of people are angry at her.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mine only rarely had moments of clarity, and that tended to be after some prodding.  He told me that his other ex was 100% responsible for the breakup -- he did nothing to cause it.  He got very anxious and defensive if I would ask him anything about what happened with her.  He tended to get in petty fights with people and pursue them even when the other person had stopped playing the game.  He always had to win and be right.  I am sure that he is totally convinced that he "won" at our relationship and was always "right." 

Do I dream of karma, something that would make him realize that he can be wrong sometimes?  Sure.  But I don't see it happening.

[roberto516]

If you read my earlier post today I have given up on the belief that there is karma. My first BPD ex is still with my replacement from 5 years ago, and they have 2 kids together. This most recent ex just got a job at a company I was eyeing up for 2 years until they opened their location, and I had to decline the job offer because she was hired first and said she couldn't work with me. So no, I don't think their is a karma for me. But I can't control that anyway. If they got the best of me then so be it. If they used my support as a launching pad for them to be more successful/happy then so be it.

I have always been a fan of Mr. Rodgers. And to paraphrase a quote he has it goes, "I hope you find happiness in all the actions you did for others which resulted in no gain for yourself." At least I'm a nice human being who can sacrifice for others out of love. I'll take that as solace right now. It's all I have.

[happendtome]

Roberto you must stop "looking" all kind of contacts with your ex and former ex. It never helps, you must be stronger and up your game. Dont watch their facebook (how else you know your former ex has 2 kids?), dont do nothing. Simply detach. Remember its two way street. When you are somehow showing your interest they lose all interest to you. If you cut everything, the way they cant peek into your life, they finally start to wonder that maybe you werent that clingy man after all. But it takes years when they figure it out.
I have been quite strong, at least i hope, i dont remember when i watched my ex-s facebook last time. I even dont care what she is doing at the moment. I have my own life. But i think i got valuable lesson. I learned something and thats what counts.

[lovenature]

If you learn enough you won't care about karma, you will realize how sad this mental illness really is and be compassionate by doing what is best for yourself and your ex.