Articles to help my parents understand what my life has been like?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I have a feeling this may be a futile exercise, but I also feel very vulnerable to wounding by my parents empathy and support for my husband and disappointment in me for separating from him and considering a divorce.  I have been looking online for articles describing life with a BPD husband that might help them see things from my perspective.  What I find are articles that (I feel) glance over the symptoms of BPD and then start describing how I, as the spouse, should respond to and help the BPD "sufferer".  Occasionally, I find an article that gives a more detailed view of life with a BPD, but they tend to be fairly vitriolic and lean towards the "get out as fast as you can" suggestions.
Neither of those options seem like a good resource to use with my parents who have known and loved (from a distance of 2000 miles for the majority of our marriage) my husband for nearly 27 years.  They see themselves as the "normal family" he was blessed with because they know first hand the environment he was raised in (my in-laws live less than 10 miles from my parents and my parents have seen the dysfunctional dynamics first hand over and over through the years). 
They also see me as the "strong one" in our FOO as well as in my marriage because I learned early to put my feelings aside and fill any gaps in my FOO (turn off my emotions so my mom wouldn't have to worry about me through my dad's illnesses starting at age 5, over-achieve and be the "perfect" child so they didn't have to worry about me when my brothers were defiant, or got into drugs, alcohol and promiscuity at an early age, deal with my husband's "weaknesses" in a loving and supportive manner, etc.)
I found out last night that my husband had shared his BPD diagnosis with my dad.  I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, because my husband is very secure in my dad's love for him.  I also feel like I shouldn't have been surprised because, in retrospect, I can see that the conversation I had with my dad where he told me he was praying for me that I wouldn't do something stupid, like divorcing my husband, came right after my husband shared that diagnosis.  I believe that my dad has now probably read up on BPD and identified with my husband's disorder (my dad was raised in an abusive home and suffers from depression and physical illnesses that leave him unable to be the kind of husband he wants to be).  He has definitely identified with my husband's need for a loving and supportive wife (follow up to the "don't do something stupid" comment was "Your mom could have left me dozens of times". 

All of this is a long-winded set up for what I am looking for.  Is there anything I can share with my parents that might help them see the suffering I've endured (and kept hidden from them) all these years?  They are coming for a visit in about a month and I have no idea how I'm going to survive the constant expectations and advice and disappointment without just disappearing for the time they are here and letting them spend their time comforting my husband and (my biggest fear) leaving my children with the impression that I have abandoned their father.

BeagleGirl

[BeagleGirl]

I have a feeling this may be a futile exercise, but I also feel very vulnerable to wounding by my parents empathy and support for my husband and disappointment in me for separating from him and considering a divorce.  I have been looking online for articles describing life with a BPD husband that might help them see things from my perspective.  What I find are articles that (I feel) glance over the symptoms of BPD and then start describing how I, as the spouse, should respond to and help the BPD "sufferer".  Occasionally, I find an article that gives a more detailed view of life with a BPD, but they tend to be fairly vitriolic and lean towards the "get out as fast as you can" suggestions.
Neither of those options seem like a good resource to use with my parents who have known and loved (from a distance of 2000 miles for the majority of our marriage) my husband for nearly 27 years.  They see themselves as the "normal family" he was blessed with because they know first hand the environment he was raised in (my in-laws live less than 10 miles from my parents and my parents have seen the dysfunctional dynamics first hand over and over through the years). 
They also see me as the "strong one" in our FOO as well as in my marriage because I learned early to put my feelings aside and fill any gaps in my FOO (turn off my emotions so my mom wouldn't have to worry about me through my dad's illnesses starting at age 5, over-achieve and be the "perfect" child so they didn't have to worry about me when my brothers were defiant, or got into drugs, alcohol and promiscuity at an early age, deal with my husband's "weaknesses" in a loving and supportive manner, etc.)
I found out last night that my husband had shared his BPD diagnosis with my dad.  I guess I shouldn't have been surprised, because my husband is very secure in my dad's love for him.  I also feel like I shouldn't have been surprised because, in retrospect, I can see that the conversation I had with my dad where he told me he was praying for me that I wouldn't do something stupid, like divorcing my husband, came right after my husband shared that diagnosis.  I believe that my dad has now probably read up on BPD and identified with my husband's disorder (my dad was raised in an abusive home and suffers from depression and physical illnesses that leave him unable to be the kind of husband he wants to be).  He has definitely identified with my husband's need for a loving and supportive wife (follow up to the "don't do something stupid" comment was "Your mom could have left me dozens of times". 

All of this is a long-winded set up for what I am looking for.  Is there anything I can share with my parents that might help them see the suffering I've endured (and kept hidden from them) all these years?  They are coming for a visit in about a month and I have no idea how I'm going to survive the constant expectations and advice and disappointment without just disappearing for the time they are here and letting them spend their time comforting my husband and (my biggest fear) leaving my children with the impression that I have abandoned their father.

BeagleGirl

[formflier]

I would really encourage you to ask for your parents empathy and support.  I would also tell them that you understand they still have feelings for your pwBPD and that's OK.

Leave it at that.

Your parent's don't get a vote on your life or your pwBPDs life.  Please don't ask them for one. 

I have never tried to explain BPDish stuff to my parents.  One time it became appropriate and I called my Dad to come witness what was going on.  He was amazed...

Note:  My wife's family was claiming they were going to take over my Dad's house and run things and had a really weird explanation for how they were going to do that.

My Dad has no formal BPDish training that  I know of.  He kept it succint and said it was his house, his rules, no further discussion.

I digress... .

By and large, it's better for you to not involve your family in this. 

They don't have to agree with you to love you.  You can love them, even when you disagree.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

Hey BG, There's a good article by Jane Brody in the New York Times entitled "An Emotional Hair Trigger" that covers the basics.  There's also another article from the New York Times about Marsha M. Linehan by Benedict Carey that describes her struggles with BPD (she suffers from it).  You can find both articles by searching in the NYT archives.  LJ

[Grey Kitty]

Beaglegirl, I think I understand what you want, and I'm afraid that nothing you give your parents like this will give you what you want.

You want your parents to be supportive, validating, and empathetic to you.

Part of the problem may well be that they don't understand what you've been through in your marriage, and knowledge could help that. Hopefully, LJ's got that, or somebody else will provide more; I don't have anything specific to recommend.

I have a feeling this may be a futile exercise, but I also feel very vulnerable to wounding by my parents empathy and support for my husband and disappointment in me for separating from him and considering a divorce.
[... .]
They also see me as the "strong one" in our FOO as well as in my marriage because I learned early to put my feelings aside and fill any gaps in my FOO

You wouldn't have taken that role with them if they didn't want/need you to take that role.

I suspect I'm a lot like you in having the 'normal' or 'healthy' family. I was never subjected to any abuse. I was never neglected, not my physical needs, and not even badly on an emotional level. That said, there was some sort of gap--some things I didn't get from them. It is more subtle, but I'm still dealing with it today (I'm nearly 50!) People who have abusive parents (your husband, and my stbexwife for two) cannot make it into adulthood without dealing with it. In comparison, people like you or I may feel like we don't have unhealthy patterns to break, or old damage to recover from, because it is subtle and harder to find... .and doesn't impact our lives in such a big and obvious way.

Anyhow... .it may take more than knowledge to change your relationship with your parents.

I'd suggest a bit of vulnerability and a direct request... .something like this, adjusted to be your own words instead of mine

I'm really struggling to do the right thing with my marriage. I don't want to get divorced, and I'm not quite ready yet. I can't move back and live with him the way I've been doing all this time. It would destroy my spirit to go back to that. So far I don't see any sign that he can or will change. I'm in a horrible place.

What I need is support for me, as a person who has to make a really hard decision. Telling me or reminding me that you think I should move back with my husband an not get divorced isn't the support I need from you today.

This is a request, and I hope your parents (or maybe one of them) can honor it. If they cannot, that would obviously be a disappointment.

I've got a 'team' of people who can support me. They aren't 100%  interchangeable; they have different relationships with me, and different strengths. I try to call on people for the kind of support they can give best. The pragmatic lesson here is that your parents may not be able to support you on your path to a divorce. If they cannot, seek that support from others who can. Include your parents in your life in places where they do better.

[formflier]

I think you are getting the right advice.

Big picture:  Don't "lobby" your parents to take your side.  I'm scared about you "educating" them, because very quickly that can cross a line into "can't you guys see it my way?"... .perhaps they can... perhaps they can't.

Honestly... .they might not be able to grasp it... .not many people in society have been through what you have. 

We believe it, because we've lived it.


I would hope to ask for their support and love, even if they don't understand.  Put energy into doing things with them, not into "educating" them. 

Now... .if they start genuinely asking questions... .gently put your toe in that water.  Always understanding they may not get it.  (Please don't hold it against them if they don't)

I too had an idyllic upbringing.  My wife did not.  In many ways she is better than her brother and sister because she was ignored and had to figure things out for herself, vice actively being taught and shown the wrong way.

I spend time with my parents.  I spend a lot of time with my Dad.  We have a routine of going to breakfast and lingering over coffee.  Sometimes it can stretch into hours. 

Like me... my Dad likes to talk... .pass down wisdom.  Sure, I've heard many of the stories before.  Another time won't hurt.  It is rare that he will bring up my marriage or my in laws.  He understands it's a minefield. 

He will say that he's for me and he encourages me with my kids. 

Does the advice you are getting make sense?  How do you think you will approach things with your parents?

FF

[Grey Kitty]

I was suggesting you try being vulnerable with your parents, telling them how you feel about your marriage, and asking them to support you, not your marriage. (Note: you aren't trying to put them in a position where they have to choose between you and your husband, although it is hard to avoid at least some of that happening anyways if you do split.)

THIS thing you wrote (in another topic) is the sort of thing you should tell your parents. Tell them what your marriage was doing to you, what it cost you, and that is why you need their support.

I sat calmly and listened to all the vague promises of change and requests that I "fully forgive" him.  I was engaged in what he was saying but did very little speaking.  After he had said all he wanted/needed to say, I started asking questions.  The answers indicate no change.  When emotions started rising, I disengaged.  He chased.  I left.

[... .]

I know I can't be myself in the presence of my husband, but I have spent the last 3 months rediscovering that I am a good mother, friend, employee, colleague, and even "stranger with a contagious smile".

[BeagleGirl]

Thank you for all who have responded.

I spoke with my counselor and a trusted friend over the past two days and they are also affirming the wonderful advice I've received here. I need to offer my parents the same trust I hope to receive from them in return and be honest about what I want from them (trust, support, freedom from "loving manipulation", etc), not try to convince them (educate them).

I think I tend to fall back into the mode of "If I can just provide enough evidence, you'll believe me and we can start working together to make things right."  It's the way I've typically come at my BPD husband.  I'm a scientist, and find beauty in logic and making order out of seeming chaos.  I think logic and data can also be the armor I wear and the defensive weapon I use when I'm afraid of getting hurt. 

As my friend reminded me last night, I'm strong enough to be vulnerable with them and face whatever response I get.  Imagining potential scenarios and preparing for all of them is wasted energy and may be totally unnecessary.

[formflier]

BeagleGirl,

I like your insight.  I used to have many of the same thoughts (and for many of my relationships, I still do).  My wife processes the world differently than I do, I ignore that at the peril of my r/s with her.

I love data.  I fancy myself a "metric based decision maker".  People that ignore objective facts drive me bananas.

I use the following example to illustrate how facts work for me ( and I'm assuming BeagleGirl).

Let's say I wake up in a foul and nasty mood.  I've decided I'm having a bad day.  Then I go to the mail and a check unexpected shows up.  (I brighten a bit)  Then I got to the post office and someone insists that I go to the counter before them... .(offering me their place in line)  (I brighten more).  Things like this keep going on and the "facts" overwhelm my "bad day"... .and I'm genuinely happy... .or at worst... .less ticked about whatever was causing the bad day.

I want to let actual events drive my emotions.

Now... .over in BPD land we can see a BPD person getting mad that the check showed up... and someone would be blamed that it didn't show up on a different day.  And a BPD person being angry that the person at the post office "thinks" that they don't know how to properly stand in line... .

They will bend events to fit their emotions... .

I simply don't understand how people can live their lives that way.   

FF

[isilme]

I suspect I'm a lot like you in having the 'normal' or 'healthy' family. I was never subjected to any abuse. I was never neglected, not my physical needs, and not even badly on an emotional level. That said, there was some sort of gap--some things I didn't get from them.

^^Grey Kitty, I think in order to fall for someone with BPD, we have all learned somewhere to find certain aspects of it appealing and/or "normal". 

As far as gaps and non-obvious types of abuse - I have learned from being on here in the Healing from parents with BPD boards that a lot of things I experienced were NOT overt abuse, but were damaging nonetheless.  I have the ability to point to outright beatings, types of neglect and such, but I think more of what shaped me into who I am was the day to day simply unpredictable emotions of my parents and my feelings I was the one who "had" to manage them for my parents. 

I just have to state to the OP that while we want our families and close friends to understand, they will have trouble for a few reasons.

1 - they have not been on the receiving end of it.  Until you see it and live it, BPD behavior is hard to follow.  Even after years of it, it took many of us a long time to realize it was NOT "normal" ways to react to adversity or simply everyday life.  Only those in the closest proximity usually get to see it - like those living for extended periods in the same household.

2 - any form of mental illness is a taboo in our culture.  When you try to describe things to an outsider in the relationship, if you try to claim it's BPD or give it a name, people get uncomfortable.  They want to simply chalk it up to "you had a fight, it's over, go home."  "Everyone has bad days" "But look at how nice your SO was at Thanksgiving!" 

3 - also, if you can get it communicated to someone what the bad days can be like, they think YOU are crazy for staying.  So you will simply be told over and over to leave, get out, end it, what's wrong with you. 

Even people without BPD engage in Black and White thinking about topics that make them uneasy.  We like to find solutions.  Leave - that's a solution.  Deal with it, that's a solution.  Just don't bother me with it if you can't find a way to fix it.  Let's talk about the Kardashians or sports. 

Now... .over in BPD land we can see a BPD person getting mad that the check showed up... and someone would be blamed that it didn't show up on a different day.  And a BPD person being angry that the person at the post office "thinks" that they don't know how to properly stand in line... .

^This is really helpful - H would very much complain the check came today instead of yesterday just to be able to complain, and would also be upset the person in line made him feel out of place and drew attention to him by motioning him forward. 

[Skip]

I have been looking online for articles describing life with a BPD husband that might help them see things from my perspective.  What I find are articles that (I feel) glance over the symptoms of BPD and then start describing how I, as the spouse, should respond to and help the BPD "sufferer".  Occasionally, I find an article that gives a more detailed view of life with a BPD, but they tend to be fairly vitriolic and lean towards the "get out as fast as you can" suggestions.

Does this get close:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/Dr-Jekyll-and-Mr-Hyde

[Notwendy]

This is your decision and I applaud your courage in dealing with it and making the best decision for you.

It would be great if your parents could understand your situation, but especially with pwBPD where they treat their most intimate partners the worst, it is very hard to see the situation from the partner's perspective. But even when BPD is not present, outsiders may be unaware of marital issues.

There are friends of my BPD mother who think she is the sweetest little old lady and can't imagine why her children don't adore her.

My H and I were having marital issues and yet to everyone else, he was amazing. People think he hung the moon. Nobody had a clue what went on in private.

But you do, and your truth is your truth. You don't need to convince your parents or anyone about what your married life is like to take action for your own benefit.

One thing I wanted to add is that your parents may have some difficulty with this because of the young age you two were when you started dating. The friends of my kids who hang out at our home are all kids to me and they sort of become a part of the family. When people date as older adults who are out on their own, they don't spend as much time with family. It may be that even if your relationship changes, your H's relationship with your parents doesn't change as much. That doesn't meant they don't love you or understand.

[formflier]

I'm going to put an additional "oomph" behind Notwendy's point about how your parents may view you two because of young age.

I have a similar struggle with how I view my oldest daughters boyfriend.  For a while he hung around... .a lot (I wonder why... .?   ) then it was official and has been going on for years now.

So... .for a while he was another one of the high school kids that was around.  He's a likable guy.  Honestly, I've had to really think through things with him and step back so that it's "just" the two of them.  I don't "pal around" with him anymore.  My desire is that their r/s develops because of them... .and not my influence (positive or negative).

Anyway... .I did let my daughter know about my thinking on my role and I've had a couple frank conversations with her about what I see and don't see in the r/s... .and then left it that I support her and her decisions.

They have both matured a lot over the course of the r/s... .it's interesting to watch.

FF