pwBPD seeks open relationship

[Sekai]

Hello all,

Only my second time posting here but I do lurk from time to time. The subject sums it up really, this was recently put to me by my partner of over 5 years now and while I try to consider myself open-minded, I will be honest it's never been *that* open.

I have read a lot of literature here and there about how BPD relationships are likely to work, what goes on in their head and overall some fairly reasonable sounding reputations on the how and the why. But, I can't help feeling hesitant about the whole thing; it has been mentioned that this is because I'm so used to "traditional relationship values" and while I can see the perspective, mostly that explanation rubs me up the wrong way, largely because of how it seems to imply that I've been brainwashed into thinking that it's either a monogamous relationship or it's a break-up.

I am happy, and in some ways I feel the need to agree to it because it does seem to be what she needs to cope; she has already outlined it's not polyamory, and I believe her. But if anyone on here has a positive, or negative, experience of this sort of thing then I'd be interested to see your reply to see if it can unscramble my head a bit.

EDIT:

I know there are a few of these threads already on here, but I can't see one newer than the last couple of years. I'm reading these at present so might tweak and update this as I go.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Wow. I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I'm honestly not sure what to say.

Do you REALLY want an open relationship? If you are in an open relationship would you be honoring yourself? Would you also date other people? Is your partner just coming up with this idea because she or he is already seeing someone else and wants to justify it? What would be a positive for you in this scenario?

It sounds to me like you don't want this and if you don't, then you should not give permission to do so.

[isilme]

I know some couples who have made this work, and others who had had it break them apart.  There are rules for all types of relationships, and if someone does not follow them, people get hurt.

One married couple we know has a quiet-but-known habit of the wife finding a likely lady, taking her home, and the husband can join in if the lady agrees.  Or just watch, whatever.  It's their marriage, and they have raised 2 great kids so far, one with special needs, so as long as they respect that we are not joining into that part of their fun, it's cool with us. 

On the other hand, I have an acquaintance (she has some serious problems, not BPD, but disassociative personality disorder and one of her other personalities likes to try to get people fired when her personal interactions don't work out).  She has tried to insert herself, by HER rules of what she thinks polyamory means, into a couple of marriages, including the very open one I mentioned above.  But it was only on her terms, her conditions, and she ends up finding that the original couple has a stronger tie to each other than to her and it falls apart.

H, when younger and a lot more dysregulated, was very much against "being controlled" by expectations of monogamy.  He would rant about it, and it took some time for him to realize our friends were not on board with him flirting around my back, as they knew I did not believe in it.

Overall - both people in the relationship have to agree to have it open.  And agree open eyed, whole heartely, knowing that jealousy is going to be just over ever hill and around every corner if you have not reconciled that. 

Also, pwBPD want to push/pull you - so saying an open relationship is wanted is meant to push you - but I bet, I really bet, that if YOU said, "sure, I've got some people I'd like to see, too," that would NOT be acceptable.