Misplacing Things and Blaming Me

[dacoming]

Whenever something of hers gets misplaced, broken, etc, my uBPD wife always blames me for doing something malicious.  She has ALWAYS had a habit of misplacing or losing things which is totally not my MO as I tend to keep things in the same place.  My wife had a bunch of videos and movies saved on DVR, some for a year or more.  I rarely if ever use DVR.  About a month ago, she informed me that all of her Prince videos and some other movies were deleted from the DVR purposely.  Also, one of her favorite movies is allegedly missing.  In her mind, it had to be me or our older daughter (29) because our younger daughter (25) and our son (18) would not do anything like that.  This is basically her stance when anything happens or something comes up missing.  She really feels it was me because we have been arguing a lot lately and more so at the time; however I did not do it.  I have NEVER done anything like that no matter how mad we were at each other.  Last night, she brought it up again when explaining to me that our older daughter has an issue with me.  This is the first I heard of that.  She said our daughter is mad at me because of the video/movie situation.  She says she didn't do it either and feels bitter towards me because I did it and am trying to leave her out there to take the blame and destroy her relationship with her mom knowing that her mom is naturally going to think it was me or her.  Again, I told my wife that I did not do it.  She kept pressing for me to say then that I believe our daughter did it.  I refused to do that because I'm not sure what happened and do not get into pointing fingers at anyone when I have no idea.  This prompted her to call in our other daughter and imply that I must think she did it, which she felt because I refused to implicate our other daughter.  She said my refusal to state an opinion blaming our older daughter makes it seem like I'm guilty because it would be messed up for me to set her up to take the blame for something I allegedly did.  I'm not sure what happened.  She seems to rule out that the videos may have automatically deleted due to the DVR being full or the videos/movies being old because she had older movies still on there.  This type of thing happens all the time and I'm truly fed up!  A couple years ago when me moved here, she thought she had packed her expensive purses in a box for us to bring in the car while traveling versus letting the military ship them.  I was not sure and had not seen the purses the whole trip.  She accused me of leaving the purses at a hotel along the way or taking the purses (that I bought for her) and giving them to another woman because we were arguing all the time.  It got real ugly!  She even threatened violence toward me.  She stated she knew for a fact that I put the purses in the car.  She asked our daughters who implicitly stated that they SAW me put the purses in the car.  She felt nobody else had any motive to do anything malicious but me and feels I'm that person anyway.  Though it would hurt us financially, I offered to buy her new purses, which are $300+ and up each.  A couple months later when unpacking the boxes the military had shipped, they found the box with the purses in them.

Does anyone else's SO have a habit of doing this or making these kind of accusations toward them?  Note that these are two examples of several over the years.  How am I supposed to deal with this?

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[isilme]

A big part of having BPD is about avoiding blame, shame, and feelings of responsibility.  So when something happens a pwBPD doesn't like, even if they did it, it can't be their fault.

H can't find things in the kitchen.  It's not because in a small kitchen you have to move things to get to other things, or stack stuff on top of other items to fit in cupboards.  It's because I "hide" things from him. 

H can't find his phone.  It's not because he left it in the living room instead of putting it on the charger.  It's because I moved it. 

He can't find his iPod.  I must have thrown it away because it's not anywhere (it fell behind a radio he'd plugged it into using the AUX cable to use its speakers). 

I think this is a pretty common issue.  I just say, "Since I did not move it, I can't say where it might be.  Let me help you look for it." 

Regarding the missing DVRs - she was upset.  She can't accept that she may have deleted them, and needs to vent her being upset on you, and also blame you - it's easier for her to cope with being mad that way.  If she had to both be mad they are missing AND accept blame for it, she would feel overwhelmed and like emotional annihilation. 

When you remember they really can't easily accept blame or responsibility for their own actions, things like this make more sense when they happen.  I really believe at the time, with their emotions so out of whack, they believe the fiction they are pushing.  What gets me is when we find the item, but the emotions are still racing out of control, and so "fixing" the immediate issue still did not calm H down. 

[Grey Kitty]

First off, if you are falsely accused of something you didn't do, give her your position that you didn't... .ONCE. Then refuse to discuss it anymore. (If you keep going, you will be JADEing, which is invalidating, which makes everything worse!)

You can offer to make things better (buy another purse or DVD), but just remove yourself from any circular arguments. As soon as it goes by a second time. "I'm not discussing this anymore."

One other thing you can do is refuse to participate in the triangulation when she tries to pull somebody else in.

She said our daughter is mad at me because of the video/movie situation.

I'd respond with: "If D29 is mad at me, I'd like to talk to her about it directly. Putting you in the middle isn't going to solve anything. Let me call her and we will resolve it." (And end the conversation with your wife and contact D29, and try to handle that situation productively).

[Turkish]

My ex's new husband got this a lot.  It was a huge issue that resulted in DV once (she being the perp) when she accused him of misplacing an item of our son's.   

I agreed to go with her to Christmas At The Park this past year. S6 (almost 7) was walking behind all of us in the crowd.  I was on point (Protector). Our son slipped off a 2 inch curb and twisted his foot. It wasn't bad, though he did cry a little, but he was fine a little while later  However,  the second sentence out of her mouth,  after turning to our son to ask what had happened was directed towards me,  "why weren't you watching him?" As if I could have stopped him from tripping even if I were 3 feet behind him. 

What's the common emotion in all of these stories? Anxiety.  My ex isn't clinically diagnosed with BPD,  but she is with anxiety.  Can anyone spot it coming on? What's a way to validate anxiety?

I dealt with this regarding my BPD mother last year when she lived with us for about four months,  accusing me of going into her stuff  (I didn't,  but I knew she searched my closets when I was at work), and accused me and the kids (?) Of stealing her money.  I used what GK said,  boundaries and no JADEing.  Short, Firm responses. 

[waverider]

pwBPD dont sit well with unknowns, someone always has to be responsible. If there is even a possible suggestion that they may get accused then auto accusations kick in. Its all mixed in with impatience and the need for an immediate answer

AS GK says, state your reality, then let it lie, dont try selling it or you get escalating push back, especially if you follow up with "well you must have done it". ":)ont know wasn't me" is enough, or from that point on the issue becomes mute and it is all about winning the blame game.

Dragging your daughter into it is an attempt at triangulation with the potential of causing problems between you and your daughter. No doubt saying your daughter is mad at you while at the same time telling your daughter you are mad at her. This can cause either of you to react and you have a whole new side to the drama (closing the triangle).

Triangulation is a very strong trait of pwBPD, it is insidious and causes other parties to fall out with each other over nothing but the pwBPDs perceptions and distortion. Throw enough dirt and some will stick

[dacoming]

Thanks all, I'm going to try not responding to this the next time it comes up.  I'm sure it will.  I've already said I didn't do it a few times.  It's a shame that they have no problem turning parent against child and vice versa.  Of course, I don't have negative feelings about our daughter because I know the deal.  Funny how she always tells me she's a grown woman and does and says woman things while I'm like a child... .go figure.