mother-in-law mess

[Depression = 72% of members]

I don't really know where to start... I have never done anything like this. I was just married this last June and my husband's mother has BPD. I need help with ways to deal but mostly to know how to help my husband. We live practically adjacent to her and he has been her primary caregiver most of his life. As well as her BPD she suffers from many physical set backs as well like being 4'11" and 350lbs for example. For many years he was even the trustee on her trust because everyone else in her family can no longer take her abuse. From both her directly and the rest of the world indirectly he has developed a deep sense of responsibility for her. He makes plans to find another caregiver for her and with and without her abuse he doesn't go through with it... .I am 31 this year and I want to start a family with this amazing man but I refuse to do so living right next to her like we are for the many reasons her disorder makes it a bad idea to be so close. She is viciously abusive to me and about me to my husband. Our most recent example is her attacking me (via text) out of the blue and saying it was because we bought a new pump for the well... I just am feeling so very lost. I want a chance to build a life with my husband but am having a hard time seeing any possibility for that.

[WaYforward]

I don't really know where to start... I have never done anything like this. I was just married this last June and my husband's mother has BPD. I need help with ways to deal but mostly to know how to help my husband. We live practically adjacent to her and he has been her primary caregiver most of his life. As well as her BPD she suffers from many physical set backs as well like being 4'11" and 350lbs for example. For many years he was even the trustee on her trust because everyone else in her family can no longer take her abuse. From both her directly and the rest of the world indirectly he has developed a deep sense of responsibility for her. He makes plans to find another caregiver for her and with and without her abuse he doesn't go through with it... .I am 31 this year and I want to start a family with this amazing man but I refuse to do so living right next to her like we are for the many reasons her disorder makes it a bad idea to be so close. She is viciously abusive to me and about me to my husband. Our most recent example is her attacking me (via text) out of the blue and saying it was because we bought a new pump for the well... I just am feeling so very lost. I want a chance to build a life with my husband but am having a hard time seeing any possibility for that.

[Turkish]

Hello WaYforward,



Is she actually diagnosed with BPD? Any other illnesses?

It sounds like your H is stuck in his role,  and that is understandably frustrating to say the least. It must be even harder that you are part of this dynamic, watching. 

How, exactly, is he caretaking physically? Emotionally is a given... .

There are lessons at the top of the board which may help you to start (apart from their dynamic,  but maybe you can pass on some things to your H).  Take a look.