Troubled relationship

[misunderstood3]

Hello,

This is my first post and my first cry for real help.  I have been in a relationship with someone I believe has BPD.  We have been together for almost 4 years and have a 1 year old son.  Throughout our relationship whenever there is an issue is quickly becomes my fault.  The smallest thing can be turned into the "relationship being over".  There is just no rational thinking.  One day he is in love and he is talking about having another child.  The next he is telling me he doesn't love me, he doesn't want to be with me and that I should pack my things and leave.   I feel like I am always trying to re word things so I don't offend him. Or think about how he will react.  If I am being so careful then how come this continues to happen.  And how can I improve things if will not see his faults. 

Lately his anger outbursts have gotten more extreme.  I notice he gets more "snappy" in times of stress or something is being asked of him. Currently we are planning our sons 1st bday party and the closer we get to the date the bigger jerk he becomes to me. 

Now he threatens me... .if I try to respond he will threaten me and say he will get violent. He now has.  And this is what has really made me examine things even further then I have.

Interestingly enough, his brother acts very similar.  My sister and I have started to confide in each other what is going on in the relationship and have realized that have very similar patterns and reactions. although they are slightly different they are greatly alike.  She started seeing a counselor that recommended reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I decided to pick it up too after hearing about it, and I realized my fiance had many of the traits of someone with BPD.  And my reactions are just enabling. But, Tonight I tried to set boundaries and I feel like it only enraged him.

I don't know what to do anymore.  I don't know if I should leave.  I do love him and I love our good times - which usually are way more then the bad.  But, the violence is scaring me.  And we have a child. I do not want him to see these behaviors.  I also don't want to end the relationship, share custody and miss seeing my child every day. I am completely torn.  I also can't help but want my fiance to get help or work on some of his behaviors. More then anything I just want to be able to communicate with him and have him control his anger. But... .I can't change him.

I apologize for the long rant.  I don't feel like there are people I can really tell the whole truth to without judging myself and my fiance.

I would love your advice.

Thank you
misunderstood

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi Misunderstood, welcome to the family.

Here you're going to find many people in your same situation, we know how dificult it is for people with BPD and their partners and we are in no position to judge, because we've been in your shoes many times. I'm really sorry you've been living this situation, it is very common to feel hopeless in situations like yours. The good news is that this place is full of people who had been in aparent dead ends before, and they kept going, and many could improved their lives. It all starts with asking for help.

In this "improving" side of the forums, we try to help each other in order to stay in a relationship and make thigs better for everyone. There are other parts where people who have broken up can learn how to cope with that, and others with people in different phases. Feel free to check all of them.

But in any of them, there is one motto, safety first. You mentioned violence, and that's a serious matter. Many of us have been involved in violent situations, and still wanted to save the relationship and loved the other person. That's something that it will be hard to understand by the people who love you, and you surely understand that they care about your safety above all. Having a baby, this is even more important. We know everything is not black or white.

The thing is having a plan in place, just in case things go sideways or you need a healthy time out to keep a distance, and let things calm themselves. It would be great if you made a call to a local support agency, just to inform yourself about what to do, and what are your options. Once your plan is in place, you won't feel trapped, and you'll be able to react being in control. Then you can focus on improving your relationship.

All of us have been trying the same things you have for years, doing our best and wondering why it didn't work, when we tried to avoid conflict and we wanted the best for our loved one. It can really drain you, and you become even more desperate having a baby in your care. We all want them to realize we love them and to stop fighting us when we only want to make them happy. But we can't change them, we can only change ourselves, by doing so, things improve, we learn to avoid arguments to escalate into fights, we learn where things come from, and we start to see some paths instead of dead-ends.

I hope you can use this forum and all its tools to make a new begining, and start seeing things in a new light. Please, keep posting.

[heartandwhole]

Hi misunderstood3,

I'm very sorry to hear of your relationship struggles. It is very difficult to deal with someone who isn't able to regulate his emotions. I'm so glad that you reached out for support. You've found a great place for that, with members who have been in similar situations and understand what you are going through. There is hope, misunderstood. Things can get better for you and your family. 

I would like to echo  JoeBPD81 and encourage you to think about a safety plan. Hopefully you will never need it, but it can give peace of mind to know where to turn before things escalate again. Another resource that can be helpful is the MOSAIC threat assessment tool.

I can relate to much to that feeling of walking on eggshells. It can really be exhausting. It sounds like stress is exacerbating your partner's outbursts. Having a child can be a big stressor on a couple as well. When things start to ramp up, there are communication tools you can use to help defuse the conflict. We have a great 3-minute video about that here:

Ending Conflict

Do you have a good support system—family and friends whom you can lean on and talk to?

Keep posting, misunderstood. It helps to share. We are here for you. 

heartandwhole