Calm before the Storm?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I have been in a toxic relationship with an undiagnosed BPD woman for close to 5 years.  We have broken up at least 7 times.  Each time reconciling.  Things go good for months then all hell breaks loose.  The cycles that I have read about.  Couple of nights before the ending breakup I was confronted by her that there was something terribly missing in her life.  She just went on and on.  I just sat there and listened.  Never saying a word.  I finally said good night and went home.  We do not live together.  What she said kind of flicked a switch in me.  It was so bizarre what she was saying that It kind of scared me.  This started me to reflect on the whole relationship.  All the red flags seemed to come into focus.  All the denial I was in seemed to fade.  I was truly in love with a real wacko.  Nothing made sense anymore.  I have been with this woman for 5 years.  It was an intense relationship. Or so I thought.

Two days later she was coming to stay at my house for the weekend.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  She brought all her things.  Even laundry. We sat down to watch a movie on Netflix.  She picked out a movie.  She was excited to watch it.  Telling me all about it.  Like I had never seen it.  I had to sit back for a minute.  I had taken her to the real movies to see this flick months ago.  I said don’t you remember, I took you to this movie.  She looked at me puzzled.  Almost embarrassed.   (gas lighting?) Well, that did it.  My instincts are good when focused.  All the things that were bothering me came out.  The secrecy, the phones, being blocked on her Face book.  In the last month I asked her at least 3 times to unblock me.  She would say she forgot and I would ask again.  You know what,,  I don’t know one of her friends.  Really,,  she talks about people, but I never meet them.  She never said a word while I was asking all the questions.  I’m sure you think I’m stupid.  There were so many red flags that you would have thought the British were attacking.  I loved her – Trusted her and believed her.  That the only defense I have.
So here’s what’s interesting.  She gets up from the couch and retrieves her laundry. Goes to the bedroom gets the stuff she brought for the weekend and walks to the front door.  Stands there for about 3 seconds and just stares at me.  Says nothing and walks out.  I did nothing to stop her. 
Three days later she sent me a text saying that she would return some library books she took out in my name and send a key to my house in the mail the same day.  She did return the books but I have never seen the house key. I never replied to the text.

That was the last I’ve seen or heard from her.  6 weeks ago.

If you’re wondering why I did not go after her when she left is it’s just a dysfunctional relationship.  I knew nothing about BPD, at the time.  If I would have, I probably would not have forced a trigger like I did.  Guess that’s what you call it.  This is the third time she has just walked out of my life.  And as far as I was concerned it was the last.  The 2 other times she walked out, no triggers that I know of were applied.

I decided to go full no contact including changing my cell phone number.  All media blocked, and all email blocked.  The only thing she has is my home address.  She lives 12 mile away.  All has been very quiet for 6 weeks.

In a past breakup she has done a smear campaigns.  Not this time.  I haven’t heard a peep which makes me nervous.  Also I have her dog.  The dog has been living with me for 3 years.  I took the dog when she had to leave a house she was living in. The house had to be sold for financial reasons.   She could live at my house.  I’ve asked her many times, but she always has an excuse not to.

The dog is great.  She has never paid one cent for maintaining it.  I pay for everything.  In past breakups this dog is always the main reason she comes back. I feel the dog and I have a lot in common.  Abandon.

Ok,  so I did the no contact thing.  I should have read the book “No contact like a Boss” After 3 days I started to have second thoughts.  The initial anger subsided and I was left with deep depression.  I really do love this women. It started to dawn on me that I was never going to see her again.  I know she can’t be back in my life but she really took a piece out of me.  Absolutely no closure.  I feel shame, guilt, embarrassment, and a ton of every emotion possible.  She haunts my thoughts.  6 weeks now am I’m still a mess.  I have watched every youtube video there is on the topic of BPD (all the signs fit her like a glove).  Somehow I almost feel bad for her.  I wish I would have known before.  I’m pretty sure I would have stuck around if she was willing to seek help.  She always told me that there was something terribly wrong with her.  I just wasn’t listening.

I have now started to realize that I’m troubled too.  I fit into the codependent category.  I have joined a support group.  About all I can do.
At this point all I can say is that’s it very quite.  Spent 5 years with this woman.  Gone in an instant.  Seems to be their MO.   I’m Lonely and no matter what I do she rents space in my head.

Please comment on this breakup.  Not that it matters but,,  who broke up with who.  Was her leaving the house the breakup or was my not going after her even after the text the breakup. Or, once the trigger was set... Was it all over?  Can a BPD women paint or split you so black that she will even leave her property (the dog) .  Will my no contact be in vain if the dog comes back into the picture? 

[SmythiGee]

I have been in a toxic relationship with an undiagnosed BPD woman for close to 5 years.  We have broken up at least 7 times.  Each time reconciling.  Things go good for months then all hell breaks loose.  The cycles that I have read about.  Couple of nights before the ending breakup I was confronted by her that there was something terribly missing in her life.  She just went on and on.  I just sat there and listened.  Never saying a word.  I finally said good night and went home.  We do not live together.  What she said kind of flicked a switch in me.  It was so bizarre what she was saying that It kind of scared me.  This started me to reflect on the whole relationship.  All the red flags seemed to come into focus.  All the denial I was in seemed to fade.  I was truly in love with a real wacko.  Nothing made sense anymore.  I have been with this woman for 5 years.  It was an intense relationship. Or so I thought.

Two days later she was coming to stay at my house for the weekend.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  She brought all her things.  Even laundry. We sat down to watch a movie on Netflix.  She picked out a movie.  She was excited to watch it.  Telling me all about it.  Like I had never seen it.  I had to sit back for a minute.  I had taken her to the real movies to see this flick months ago.  I said don’t you remember, I took you to this movie.  She looked at me puzzled.  Almost embarrassed.   (gas lighting?) Well, that did it.  My instincts are good when focused.  All the things that were bothering me came out.  The secrecy, the phones, being blocked on her Face book.  In the last month I asked her at least 3 times to unblock me.  She would say she forgot and I would ask again.  You know what,,  I don’t know one of her friends.  Really,,  she talks about people, but I never meet them.  She never said a word while I was asking all the questions.  I’m sure you think I’m stupid.  There were so many red flags that you would have thought the British were attacking.  I loved her – Trusted her and believed her.  That the only defense I have.
So here’s what’s interesting.  She gets up from the couch and retrieves her laundry. Goes to the bedroom gets the stuff she brought for the weekend and walks to the front door.  Stands there for about 3 seconds and just stares at me.  Says nothing and walks out.  I did nothing to stop her. 
Three days later she sent me a text saying that she would return some library books she took out in my name and send a key to my house in the mail the same day.  She did return the books but I have never seen the house key. I never replied to the text.

That was the last I’ve seen or heard from her.  6 weeks ago.

If you’re wondering why I did not go after her when she left is it’s just a dysfunctional relationship.  I knew nothing about BPD, at the time.  If I would have, I probably would not have forced a trigger like I did.  Guess that’s what you call it.  This is the third time she has just walked out of my life.  And as far as I was concerned it was the last.  The 2 other times she walked out, no triggers that I know of were applied.

I decided to go full no contact including changing my cell phone number.  All media blocked, and all email blocked.  The only thing she has is my home address.  She lives 12 mile away.  All has been very quiet for 6 weeks.

In a past breakup she has done a smear campaigns.  Not this time.  I haven’t heard a peep which makes me nervous.  Also I have her dog.  The dog has been living with me for 3 years.  I took the dog when she had to leave a house she was living in. The house had to be sold for financial reasons.   She could live at my house.  I’ve asked her many times, but she always has an excuse not to.

The dog is great.  She has never paid one cent for maintaining it.  I pay for everything.  In past breakups this dog is always the main reason she comes back. I feel the dog and I have a lot in common.  Abandon.

Ok,  so I did the no contact thing.  I should have read the book “No contact like a Boss” After 3 days I started to have second thoughts.  The initial anger subsided and I was left with deep depression.  I really do love this women. It started to dawn on me that I was never going to see her again.  I know she can’t be back in my life but she really took a piece out of me.  Absolutely no closure.  I feel shame, guilt, embarrassment, and a ton of every emotion possible.  She haunts my thoughts.  6 weeks now am I’m still a mess.  I have watched every youtube video there is on the topic of BPD (all the signs fit her like a glove).  Somehow I almost feel bad for her.  I wish I would have known before.  I’m pretty sure I would have stuck around if she was willing to seek help.  She always told me that there was something terribly wrong with her.  I just wasn’t listening.

I have now started to realize that I’m troubled too.  I fit into the codependent category.  I have joined a support group.  About all I can do.
At this point all I can say is that’s it very quite.  Spent 5 years with this woman.  Gone in an instant.  Seems to be their MO.   I’m Lonely and no matter what I do she rents space in my head.

Please comment on this breakup.  Not that it matters but,,  who broke up with who.  Was her leaving the house the breakup or was my not going after her even after the text the breakup. Or, once the trigger was set... Was it all over?  Can a BPD women paint or split you so black that she will even leave her property (the dog) .  Will my no contact be in vain if the dog comes back into the picture? 

[AlternateReality]

Sounds very familiar... .

Does she still have your house key?  If so change your locks today!  In my BPD relationship i was painted black and she left (one of many), and keeping a key to my home became a type of hallmark for her...

The Key acts as token they can use to re-enter your life whenever she wants and i am forgot to return your key as an excuse.   My exBPD actually used the home key to invade my home when i had another female as company.  She unlocked the door came in and physically attacked me in front of another women, than verbally attacked the women and scared her off.  It was something strait out of your local trailer park.

I think most of end believing their accusations during the relationship and start questioning ourselves when its over, especially if we had no clue about BPD during...  It took years for me to stop questioning on if i behaved the way she claimed i did...  Controlling, Manipulative, Emotionally Abusive, I do things to make her jealous, i would try to isolate he from her friends and family, etc...  

What help me to see through the fog on this, was i started to look at my past relationships and the one i am in today... Even asking my current SO if she see any of this behavior in me.  In no relationship past or current, have I ever been accused of any of these things, so i think some perspective goes a long way in clearing up reality from exBPD reality.


Also just to mention it has been 5 Years since i went NC... And i am still getting random messages from her as recent as August of 2016.   Not to mention she is now married.  She Moved in to my home and out at least 5 times over the course of 2-3 years... .We were both divorced with small children which is why i finally had to cut all communication... It was just unhealthy for my son.

[SmythiGee]

Thanks AlternateReality ...   I did change the locks.  I'm mostly concerned about the dog.  It is hers.  This dog has been a problem in past breakups.   I wish she would come and get it, or just give me ownership.  The dog is a reminder to me that there is unfinished business.  Makes it harder to move on.

[AlternateReality]

Thanks AlternateReality ...   I did change the locks.  I'm mostly concerned about the dog.  It is hers.  This dog has been a problem in past breakups.   I wish she would come and get it, or just give me ownership.  The dog is a reminder to me that there is unfinished business.  Makes it harder to move on.

Yes i completely understand, and don't be fooled that she wont use the dog as a way to charm you back into a relationship.  in retrospect if i were faced with that situation i would (A) wait to see how long she waits to ask for the dog back, if it has been substantial time i would claim abandonment if she tries the court route. (B) if she ask for the dog back in reasonable time, i would either ask a neighbor to pass on the dog to her, or even tie the dog up where she could access him/her and get the F out of dodge...    The important thing is to keep the communication in reference to the dog only, and Do NOT SEE her in person.   Not sure what it is about this disorder but they can charm us back in to their world easily.