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Author Topic: We broke up suddenly, and only after this I knew about BPD  (Read 398 times)
Lucy_I

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« on: May 03, 2017, 11:22:19 AM »

Hello to everyone)
First of all English is not my native language so I am sorry once there are some mistakes in my text;
Why I am here? The man I love is English.
My problem is tt he broke up our relations with no evident reason after 9 months.
While we were going to marry and he was the one who insisted on this.
So for me it was absolutely shocking and unexpected;
It happened few weeks ago when I visited him in his city;
Back home I felt so depressed tt decided to visit psychotherapist;
Once I told her my story, she after putting me some more questions presumed tt he is Bdp.
Never before I heard about this.
Started to look the information and realized tt there were a lot of moments when he behaved like BPD and each time i couldn't get why
Now I know and understand more; wish I could know about this once we entered the relations.
I am sure he has no idea tt he is BPD.
The question is: what to do? Shall I talk to him about this? Shall I try to re establish the relations?
I love him.
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AlternateReality

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 26


« Reply #1 on: May 03, 2017, 11:53:34 AM »

Hi and i am Sorry for what your going through... .

I think its pretty common for pwBPD (People with) to Split black in big stressful life events, or possibly you are getting to close and their abandonment issues have kicked in, so they end it before you can.

If you ex-Fiance is truly BPD, you need to know that behavior is only manageable with constant ongoing therapy.  The question is not if you should contact him, but if you want to endure more of this type of pain.

Statistic have an extremely high divorce rate of marriages with one person having BPD, i think its 99%.
Personally, the only way i would think about getting back together with this person is if he maintained ongoing therapy.

This is purely my opinion.
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Lucy_I

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: May 03, 2017, 12:18:59 PM »

Hi
Thank you for your reply
So you think tt we can be together again only if he will go through some therapy?
But he is not aware about this problem I am sure;
Though he feels probably tt smth is wrong with him but not tt it's smth like BPD
We still communicate sometimes like friends and in a month we will meet since we have planned and booked holiday; though he changes his mind so often(
Still I hope we will go like friends and thus I will have the possibility to talk with him tt I presume tt he has BPD
So the question is shall I do this? Or shall I just go on with my own therapy which I had to start after these relations and never mention to him about possible BPD?
Will we be together again or not I want him to be happy after all he suffered in his life;
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AlternateReality

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« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2017, 12:37:44 PM »

Lucy,

I think you should really do more researching on what you can expect in a relationship with a pwBPD.  It can the most emotional painful confusing experience one can imagine, and that doesn't even include the damage it can do to you emotionally and mentally.  Talk to your therapist ask him/her for advice on the matter , but from my experience they will tell you if he isn't actively seeking help through therapy you should get out. 

He needs to be professionally diagnosed before therapy, so this is where i would start.   If you are in the black (As in he doesn't want to be with you) anything you say or try will fail.   If or when he tries to reconnect, you may have a bit more leverage and possibly you chance to insist on seeing a therapist.   Use your current therapist, as he knows the situation already... If you can get him professionally diagnosed with BPD then you can get him on the right track with therapy.    There are success stories of marriage with pwBPD out there though pretty rare.  And All of them will say Therapy is a must and some also believe mood stabilizers help as well.

Just a warning though, Alot of BPD suffers cannot see that their reality is skewed and believe how they feel is right.
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Lucy_I

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #4 on: May 03, 2017, 12:54:08 PM »

Thank you indeed for so detailed answer;
I know he needs a therapy, but almost sure tt he will not go( since he doesn't realize the problem at all.
Also things are even worse since we live in different countries and planned tt I will move to his;
Anyway the idea of getting him to talk to my therapist is good and I also thought about this, though she doesn't speak English, she says I may translate but only if we will come together or skype together;
But the problem is tt I really do not know how to talk with him about this. We now talk via Skype only and I do not think it's good idea to talk about this on Skype, am sure tt it's only face to face talk;
While we shall meet in a month only;
Had to meet in few days like friends but he canceled this trip, though tickets and hotel was booked;
And I failed to persuade him to come (I hoped tt we may talk there)
Now we still have ongoing trip in a month and he says he will go, and I hope he will since it will be the country he wants to visit;
Have so big mess in my head(( why I never heard about BPD before? Why only when he rejected me? I am sure things would be much better(
Anyway I have what I have. My broken heart and desperate hope to help him.
I want him to be happy with me or without me;
What shall I do? Talk with him about possible BPD when we meet? Or run away before it's too late?
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AlternateReality

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« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2017, 01:08:53 PM »

So you do not live in the US and he does?

Ok i did not realize this.  A Lot of pwBPD like relationships that are unrealistic as it keeps people from getting to emotional close to them.  They typically have a strong fear of abandonment and having a relationship over Skype is perfect relationship for these type of BPD suffers, as the physical distance between you keeps a natural boundary for emotional intimacy.  However because of the plans to move and get married start to become reality their fear of Abandonment kicks in and they stop the long distance relationship.  It gets too real and they run the risk of getting hurt.

I wish i could offer more advice on this but this one is a bit over my head as i dated/lived with my exBPD.
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Lucy_I

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #6 on: May 03, 2017, 01:14:03 PM »

[quote author=AlternateReality link=topic=309414.msg12866742#msg12866742 date=1493833064

Just a warning though, Alot of BPD suffers cannot see that their reality is skewed and believe how they feel is right.
[/quote]
And yes, I am sure once I will tell him tt I presume BPD, he will definitely deny(
So I am looking for more information about how to talk correctly with him and try to get him to the diagnosis and therapy
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Lucy_I

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #7 on: May 03, 2017, 01:17:43 PM »

None of us lives in USA
He lives in U.K.
It were not purely Skype relations, I mean not skype only
We met every month for a week and were planning to live together quite soon after all necessary things are done
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AlternateReality

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« Reply #8 on: May 03, 2017, 02:00:32 PM »

I see...
I think it will be a bigger challenge being that you are in a long distance relationship...

Do you think playing a less direct method of introducing him to BPD would be a better way to go...   Here in the United States May is BPD awareness month maybe send him a video of BPD and say you found it interesting and thought he may too... .  It could possibly spur some conversation around BPD.

Most of the time BPD suffers know something is wrong but they just don't know what... Maybe worth a try...

Anyways keep me posted on how things turn out.
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Lucy_I

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 8


« Reply #9 on: May 03, 2017, 02:35:19 PM »

Thank you for being concerned

Yes nice idea with sharing the video, thanks for this
Still I think tt face to face talk is better

So far collecting and analyzing the information of how to do this in the most efficient way as well as getting knowing more about BPD

Hope to see him in month and talk

Meanwhile try to recover myself) these relations made me suffer a lot though i never shown him this

Just last time when I was at his place and he suddenly started to shout I couldn't resist any more and cried( after he became really crazy, starting throwing things out, taking knife, saying he will kill himself etc

While at those time I had no idea about BPD in general and tt my man probably suffers of it particularly( so it was a big shock for me

I am back home two weeks already and it's really became a bit better once I was told about BPD, at least I do not feel so broken, since now I know it's not him, it's BPD
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AlternateReality

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« Reply #10 on: May 03, 2017, 04:58:52 PM »

Lucy,

I just wanted to make one more comment to you in regards to your researching more on BPD.  Make sure to learn about the disorder from a clinical or Non-BPD perspective...   I have seen lots of material out there from BPD suffers that really down play the truly destructive nature of the disorder to more of a extreme sensitivity disorder...
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AlternateReality

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« Reply #11 on: May 03, 2017, 05:26:46 PM »

Also I recommend going to the message board for family members with BPD.  Read some of the most heart breaking posts from people trying to help family members... My heart goes out to them as having a BPD significant other is really bad, but it pales in comparison.
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Gemsforeyes
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Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #12 on: May 13, 2017, 02:10:36 PM »

Dear Lucy-
Please do NOT take the holiday with him and do NOT try to tell him that he has BPD.  I know this is painful for you and you want to help him and you want HIM to be happy.  That was me too.  That is part of being drawn in by the emotional abuse that has been inflicted upon you.  Lucy, You cannot make him better.  Please understand that, my dear.  I tried and tried and tried.  I forgave the unforgivable.  Please consider whether you want to potentially endure years of punishment and emotional/ physical abuse at the hands of this man.  And ask yourself, Would you choose to have your children grow up seeing this rage from their father?  At some point you need to consider your own happiness.  How about today?

You need to take care of yourself and be safe.  And from what you have said, this man poses a potential danger to you.   He has already hurt you emotionally, in such a young relationship, and you mentioned he showed a KNIFE.  If he flies into a rage (and he WILL) and is unable to control himself, he could hurt you physically.  Did you tell your therapist about the knife?  And one more thing, the BPD IS HIM.  Be careful not to make excuses for his behavior.  People with this can SEE that they are hurting others, but most don't have the capacity to care enough to do the work to change their behavior.

Please cry your tears, stop communicating with him and count your blessings that you have safely escaped.  From what I can tell, this is a wonderful place to seek support from people who have experienced what you're going through.  I am almost one month out of a 3.5 year soul-stealing relationship with an undiagnosed BPD man.  I can almost breathe again... .be kind to yourself and start your healing now.

All my best to you. 
Gemsforeyes
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Lucy_I

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Posts: 8


« Reply #13 on: May 23, 2017, 02:54:59 PM »

Dear Lucy-
Please do NOT take the holiday with him and do NOT try to tell him that he has BPD.  I know this is painful for you and you want to help him and you want HIM to be happy.  That was me too.  That is part of being drawn in by the emotional abuse that has been inflicted upon you.  Lucy, You cannot make him better.  Please understand that, my dear.  I tried and tried and tried.  I forgave the unforgivable.  Please consider whether you want to potentially endure years of punishment and emotional/ physical abuse at the hands of this man.  And ask yourself, Would you choose to have your children grow up seeing this rage from their father?  At some point you need to consider your own happiness.  How about today?

You need to take care of yourself and be safe.  And from what you have said, this man poses a potential danger to you.   He has already hurt you emotionally, in such a young relationship, and you mentioned he showed a KNIFE.  If he flies into a rage (and he WILL) and is unable to control himself, he could hurt you physically.  Did you tell your therapist about the knife?  And one more thing, the BPD IS HIM.  Be careful not to make excuses for his behavior.  People with this can SEE that they are hurting others, but most don't have the capacity to care enough to do the work to change their behavior.

Please cry your tears, stop communicating with him and count your blessings that you have safely escaped.  From what I can tell, this is a wonderful place to seek support from people who have experienced what you're going through.  I am almost one month out of a 3.5 year soul-stealing relationship with an undiagnosed BPD man.  I can almost breathe again... .be kind to yourself and start your healing now.

All my best to you. 
Gemsforeyes

Thank you so much for your touchy post;
Crying now, so sorry tt you have suffered the same(


I now feel better a bit, getting know more and more about BPD;
Decided to go to this holiday anyway and will see to tell him or not;
We still sometimes communicate via skype and honestly I do not know what I really feel: sometimes I think I shall run from him sometimes I feel I have to help;
Anyway I shall live this story till the end myself
Still I hope tt he will hear me, since he does understand tt smth is wrong with him just can't understand what is it
This gives me a hope
Once he will hear me, I will see his reaction and decide either I ll stay and help or leave this relations and go further to my life without him

Thank you again for your touchy post

Stay safe and take care)
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Gemsforeyes
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Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1130


« Reply #14 on: May 23, 2017, 04:46:42 PM »

Dear Lucy-
Sadly, people with BPD are not usually able to "hear" when others tell them that something may be wrong with them.  My ex-boyfriend would have these horrible rages, to where his entire face would almost change, and I would completely shut down.  When he would calm down, I would tell him that I know that getting that angry CANNOT feel good and that maybe we should get some help for that issue.  He would take it as an accusation- that I was accusing him of being bad.  That I was being negative.  That I was "blaming" him for any problem in our relationship.  No matter how many ways I tried to explain to him that he wasn't to blame, nothing worked.  He called me horrible names and did horrible things to me.

He threatened to leave me, and left me about 10 times in 3.5 years, then immediately begged to come back.  And I let him.  You see, I was his only friend/lover.  From the start, I thought the fact he had no friends was odd.  I should have looked at that fact more closely.  And he lied to me about stupid, silly things very early in the relationship.  But he had already hooked me in and I was deeply in love with him.  No excuse, but I was pretty new living here and I knew no one else really.

When our final breakup came, 5 weeks ago, I forced it.  He began to threaten and I didn't stop him or speak calmly to him or tell him to stop and think (as I had done 2 weeks prior).  I simply walked onto the patio so I didn't have to hear him call me names and watched as he loaded his items out of my home.  Then I walked inside and asked for my house keys, which he threw at me.  And off he went.  He has made 4 attempts to contact me.  The last was a text almost a month ago now and I was not agreeable.

This has been very difficult.  I am not young.  I will turn 60 in a few months and this man was my love.  I kept hoping against hope that he would somehow SEE what he was doing and try to be better.  He would not.  He is a hard and angry person.  I do not think that people with BPD are self reflective at all.  It may be a rather broad statement, but I'm saying it now that I know a bit more through my intense research in the last 5 weeks.

My problem is that I normalized this behavior because I've been dealing with it all my life.  I realize that my older sister has BPD and she has been a source of so much pain since I was 11 years old.  So I have to find a way to recover and heal.

Just please be safe.  If you go on this holiday with him, please let someone know exactly where you'll be and keep in close contact with them.  Your wellbeing and safety mean everything.  I'm sorry for the long post.

There is one last thing.  When I realized that I had started lying to my best friends about things that he had said and done to me, I knew it was time to get away from him.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

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Lucy_I

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« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2017, 03:21:14 AM »

Dear Gemsforeyes;

your posts are so kind and caring, thank you for that; Really appreciate your care, though I do understand tt you are now suffering even more then i do (still I hope tt now you are much better)
Just to tell you: I  am not young girl) I am quite adult and do have some life experience; Besides  we both have children from previous marriage, so no common kids I think;
as for he probably lies to my friends: never did, he lies to himself only; he is honest as much as he could with regard of his BPD;
I understand tt probably you may think tt i am stupid girl who dares to think tt she might help her BPD man while a lot of true evidence tt this all is in vain;
I know this, i ve read a lot about BPD and all possible ups and downs; Yet, I will try; if i would not even try, i will not forgive myself;
I just promise myself and i will stick to this promise, tt once i see tt he doesn’t believe me or became aggressive once i told him, i will never stay with him and will never be back, i have enough inner strength to do this;
But he deserves this chance; Hi is fighting all his life trying to find out what's wrong with him, i do not know why he still did not find tt he has BPD, but anyway he understands tt he has psychological problems, just doesn’t understand the exact name;
Also I think tt one more serious thing keeps him on the level more or less: 25 years ago he consciously  converted to another religion which is quite strong and strict and I think it helps him to keep himself more or less strong since it’s prohibited to use drugs/alcohol; Though even with this religion he has some issues and still much to be understood to fully serve to this religion;
I also think tt this religion keeps him from self harming, the example with knife I gave earlier is the only one I witnessed; Though I may presume tt when he was younger he was more inclined by this since big part of his body is covered with tattoo;
Anyway now when I know more or less what BPD is, a lot of moments occurred within our relations are understandable now and I am sure once I know about this earlier it would be much easier for us

Anyway, will see what happens;  In a week I will fly to his country and from there we will fly together to the holiday in the country he wanted to visit; Will see what the future has for me)
And of course all my relatives know where and with who I am; My parents know him since he came specially to meet him several months ago;  I do not feel tt I am not safe with him, yet thank you for your care; I will be cautious;

Stay in touch;

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