How to deal with Silent Treatmentt

[Vanilla Sky]

Hello dear friends  

I'm here again looking for some guidance. My uBPD mother and I had a discussion by phone a month ago, one of the ugly ones. Since then she is giving me the silent treatment. She has done that since I was a little child and still does. I called my father yesterday and he told me later that once she noted that it was me calling she left the room.

I have no idea of when we will be talking again, but I am sure of something: I would have to make the first move, handle all kinds of attacks from here until things come back to "normal" again. I am 30 years old and have been part of this dynamic with her my whole life. I've always went after her to make peace, and that's not because I enjoy having a relationship with her, but because no contact with my own mother makes me fell incomplete, sometimes not able to enjoy life.

I get myself thinking all the time if I should call her or not. I know that if I do, I will hear from her: "you are dead to me" and all that stuff she says and will hang up on me. And, at some point, things will get to "normal" again.

However, this is where I am trying to make things different. I am exhausted just thinking about going to go through this again with her. In one hand, keep no contact for I don't know how long, can take months or years, and feel anxious about it. Or, do the same again, enable her behavior and forget that silent treatment is an emotional abuse, which she has applied to me since maybe 7 or 8 years old.

I would appreciate some guidance on this - what to do when someone uBPD is giving you the silent treatment again? How to deal with the feeling they put you in doing this like anxiety, feeling guilty, feeling incomplete even when you are at one of the best moments in your life.

Thank you again and again  

[Harri]

Hi.  The silent treatment is horrid isn't it?

I've always went after her to make peace, and that's not because I enjoy having a relationship with her, but because no contact with my own mother makes me fell incomplete, sometimes not able to enjoy life.

I have a question about this.  How is the way you feel different when not in contact with your mother compared to how you feel when she is raging at you, giving you the silent treatment, waiting for you to contact her, and then hearing things like "you are dead to me" and waiting for things to go back to normal on her time line?

My point is, regardless, you are getting pummeled emotionally.  I think I have been where you are, totally tied to her and feeling like a part of me is missing when my mother was not speaking to me.  I know how hard this is.  I know how hard it is to break away from her so that when her moods change and she becomes abusive you do not get lost and almost stop Being.

However, this is where I am trying to make things different. I am exhausted just thinking about going to go through this again with her.

  How I wish we had something more celebratory than a thumbs up emoji but here goes:     This is the very best place to be, truly.  You want change and it can happen for *you*.  What your mother chooses to do is her business.

You say you have two options.  One is to wait and feel anxious and the second is to do what you have always done and start the cycle again.

There are other alternatives.  One would be to wait, continue on as you are, and when you feel anxious, talk your way through the anxiety.  You are complete without her.  You will be fine and you have to learn to be okay without her.  The anxiety can be awful, especially if you have panic attacks.  If it gets too bad, get a counselor if you can.  Meds can help as well.

Things can change.  I suggest small steps.  Even if you let the silent treatment last for a short time longer than previously, it is okay.

Take small steps.  If my suggestion is not for you, try something different to break the hold she has on you.  Take it slow.  Posting here more often if you feel up to it.

Be well.

[Dotner]

I truly understand this place you are in. I also understand the exhaustion at the thought of attempting to communicate with your mother again. I agree with Harri--it is truly the best place to be in to make a change for the better. I finally got to the point where I thought that life is too short to let someone hurt me over and over again.

I was in a similar place with my mom from this past Christmas until about 2 weeks ago. Well, she may still be not talking to me, but she had a lapse over Easter and forgot for a second. I have plenty of practice with letting the silent treatment go indefinitely, but it is still very difficult. When it happens, I KNOW there is nothing I can do that will change her behavior or convince her to move on. Does she give the silent treatment to others in your family for days or weeks or months on end? If so, does she usually or always come back to them? The thing that helps me a little to deal with the silent treatment is that my mom does eventually come back around--even if it is a loong time later. Also, it isn't our fault. It is our parents' journey, and though it hurts, hurts, hurts us, each of them are choosing to do it alone.

Not sure if this is helpful, but at least we can commiserate. 

[Drained2017]

Vanilla Sky,

I completely understand what you are going through. My mom has been giving me the silent treatment since Christmas. She also deleted me on social media. Like you, usually I call and make it right, but this time I just couldn't do it. I can't give much advice,  but I just wanted to say that you aren't alone.

One thing that has been stressing me out is Mother's Day. It has been so long that I feel awkward calling her on that day, but a card feels inappropriate. Honestly, I am afraid of the rejection if I call, but am also afraid of the backlash if I send a card. It feels like a lose-lose situation.

[isilme]

My mom called to threaten me with silent treatment ("I don't think we should talk."  and I had to say, "Okay. if that's how you feel.", and since we have been NC for about 7 years now.  I both feel guilty and don't.  She has the power to call me, send me a card or letter, message me online, it should not all rest with me to chase her.  And without her in my life, I have managed to get my head straighter, to analyze how we interact and how she is a toxic and damaging factor for me.

Recently, my H encouraged me to seek her out.  I think he might be worried that in her 70s she will die before I can talk to her again.  And I know this sounds harsh, but over 7 years, I've kinda accepted that even though it makes me sad.  He is also worried his own mother's poor life decisions might mean we can't go see her when she wants, or acquiesce to her demands, and I think he wants me to repair my relationship with my mom to make him feel better about how he has to deal with his. 

She is ill.  She can't regulate her emotions well, she manipulates people, nd when I stopped being an enmeshed, easily manipulated child, she got mad.  She only knows a few roles - BFF girlfriend, the pathetic victim, righteously raging authority figure.  When I stopped accepting her in those roles, she wanted little to do with me,  When I refused to drop my life and take care of her again (I was her caretaker as a child), she got mad and would fabricate crises, or fail at life to MAKE me rescue her.  I tried a few times in my mid-to-late 20s.  By my early 30s, I was kinda done. 

Silent treatment is supposed to remove them from your life and make you feel a loss, and feel guilty for "causing" it.  It's meant to make you crawl back and apologize.  Having not done so shakes them up a bit, but they don't know how to react.  You are not following the script. 

Do you feel you need to be guilty of being one half of a conversation that isn't happening?  She can call you just as easily.  Why are YOU expected to do all the work?

[Ambitious202]

Hello, I'm new here. My mother is actually doing this to me currently as we speak. I've just recently sought treatment on how to deal with her and her emotional issues, and the ups and downs of dealing with her are exhausting. Any advise is appreciated, thanks!

[Vanilla Sky]

From the bottom of my heart, I would like to thank everyone that replied here. I read everything carefully and took my time to think about everything that was said.

[Notwendy]

I used to just hate the ST. It was the worst. My mother often used it as punishment.

I came across a book on verbal abuse, and the ST was listed as a form of that. I didn't understand verbal abuse but once I read the book I realized that my parents also did this.


Why do people do the ST? Because it works. It puts them in control. We may beg and plead which reinforces the behavior. But like all behavior, people do it when it works, and often if it doesn't work, they stop.


I think breaking the  ST spell is a big step towards having good boundaries. It isn't up to me to make someone talk to me- they can choose to talk to me or not. It's not my business. I accept that if someone has an issue with me- it is up to them to USE THEIR WORDS. We teach little kids to do this- and we know that adults can do it.

If someone has an issue with me it is their responsibility to tell me.

Many of us children of BPD parents felt it was our job to be emotional caretakers to our parents and others and somehow our responsibility to read our parents minds. Well who can read minds? I can't. So, if someone is giving me the ST, I don't feel it is my responsibility to figure out what the problem is. If they have something to tell me- they know how.

Last time my mother did the ST---- I could enjoy the silence! She eventually gets over it, and then calls. I don't want to reinforce that behavior. She's an adult and knows how to use her words to communicate.

Enjoy the silence and some time without drama.

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi Harri  

I have a question about this.  How is the way you feel different when not in contact with your mother compared to how you feel when she is raging at you, giving you the silent treatment, waiting for you to contact her, and then hearing things like "you are dead to me" and waiting for things to go back to normal on her time line?

It's been 2 months now that I've gone no contact with her, and this is because she is giving me the silent treatment one more time, and my decision of not making the first move. I know that if I don't go after her, apologize for things that I am not even guilty of and bear all the offenses and all the screaming, we will never speak again. My father told me the other day: it's not about being proud, it's something else. She will keep giving you the silent treatment until she dies. This would be a win for her because she knows you will feel bad for a long time.

I have to tell myself, every day, over and over, that this is a chance to show her that I am different now and won't accept emotional abuse anymore, that I can carry on my life without her.

The sad part is that I know she believes she is the victim and we, the family, are horrible people that took her the chance to have a happy family. I never heard her apologize for anything. She has never recognized that she's done something wrong. She put people away and it's always their fault, they are all ungrateful. She is on her 60's and I can't see any good changes coming.

This time I feel sadder than ever. It is harder for me to have no contact with her instead having some kind of relationship. I don't feel prepared to go after her and tell her what I think and feel. I know I will be rejected.
So, I guess I will not have any contact with her until I feel prepared to face her again, tell her how I feel and set clear boundaries. This could take a while.

You want change and it can happen for *you*.  What your mother chooses to do is her business.

You say you have two options.  One is to wait and feel anxious and the second is to do what you have always done and start the cycle again.

There are other alternatives.  One would be to wait, continue on as you are, and when you feel anxious, talk your way through the anxiety.  You are complete without her.  You will be fine and you have to learn to be okay without her.  The anxiety can be awful, especially if you have panic attacks.  If it gets too bad, get a counselor if you can.  Meds can help as well.

Things can change.  I suggest small steps.  Even if you let the silent treatment last for a short time longer than previously, it is okay.

Take small steps.  

That is the biggest challenge of my life: Feel complete and learn to be okay without her. I hope I am on my way to that. Thank you so much for taking time to reply me, It means a lot. It encourages me to keep going.

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi Dotner 

Thank you so much for replying me. It means a lot to know that I am not alone.

Does she give the silent treatment to others in your family for days or weeks or months on end? If so, does she usually or always come back to them?

She does give the silent treatment to others, but she never comes back to them, no matter how long it takes and no matter if the people she is putting away are her children. My brother and she had no contact during 4 years after she kicking him out of the house. My father insisted that my brother could "just apologize" and make peace. My brother, after 4 years, called her and apologized (for things that he is not guilty). She said: "that is all I needed". Things were "normal" between them until another big fight (always her fault). Then 2 more years of no contact. My brother had a child in the meanwhile and she ignored her grandson for those 2 years.

She also went no contact with her brother for 2 or 3 years. He made the first move, apologized, and things got back to "normal".

That is her dynamic. She demands to be flattered at all times, she does not accept people that don't agree with her or have different beliefs. This may sound that she is a "well-resolved" person that is stubborn, right? But that is not the case. She has no self-esteem at all. All family members close to her feel drained by her.

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi Drained2017 

Thank you for replying here, it means a lot to me.

One thing that has been stressing me out is Mother's Day. It has been so long that I feel awkward calling her on that day, but a card feels inappropriate. Honestly, I am afraid of the rejection if I call, but am also afraid of the backlash if I send a card. It feels like a lose-lose situation.

I feel you. I know the lose-lose situation like the back of my hand. Last mother's day made me really sad. I wasn't sad because I don't have an Instagram-like relationship with her. I was sad for not being permitted to have any health relationship with her. I was also sad for her being alone on mother's day.

Again, thank you for sharing your experience here, it does make me feel less alone.