How do you reason with a pwBPD ?

[FedUp74]

This is my first post to the site.  I will start by saying that it’s a comfort to know there are other people going through the same type of challenges I’m facing.  I’ve learned the hard away that it’s not helpful to vent to friends/family because they don’t understand that BPD is an illness, and can’t understand why I’d put up with this behavior.

I’ve been with my BF for 4 ½ years.  He’s intelligent, charismatic & perceptive.  After I moved in with him I realized he was also prone to emotional mood swings and fits of anger.  At first I thought he just had anger management issues, but about a year ago I discovered the Walking on Eggshells book and realized that BPD describes him to a tee.  The triggers for his angry outbursts are often unpredictable and illogical to me.  His emotions take over and he lashes out verbally (insults, name calling) because he’s hurting.  Eventually he calms down and often gets slightly depressed, complaining that his life sucks, things are spiraling out of control, etc... .Even though it’s his anger that creates the rift between himself and others, he blames others because “without their actions he wouldn’t have reacted that way.”

Over time I’ve learned not to take the insults personally (although it can be VERY difficult at times because he really knows what hurts) and to try and seek out the root cause.  This can be challenging because when he’s in a rage he doesn’t deal in facts and won’t explain why he’s angry – he says I’m ignorant or stupid for not knowing why.  In the past, he eventually becomes sorry for his behavior and we can talk about it.  But recently he’s started to place more of the blame on me and keeps insinuating that we shouldn’t be together.  He says he wants a partner and we’ll never be on the same page – but how do you effectively partner w/ a pwBPD to their satisfaction?  I fear we’re reaching a point where he’s going to give up on our relationship.  While I know I would be fine on my own, my preference is to find a way to stay, at least until his teenage girls are out of the house.  They (and our dog) have come to rely on me as a parental figure since their Mom passed away when they were very young.

My question is this... .

I know that when a BPD’s feelings & emotions take over that it’s important to validate how they are feeling. However, I’m struggling with how to do that without agreeing with his position (which is usually that I did something wrong or I’m ignorant, etc... ).  For example, my BF often tells me that I humiliate him in public – I’ll say something that triggers a negative reaction from him and he’ll accuse me of doing it on purpose.  I typically apologize and explain that it wasn’t my intent to humiliate him (although I don’t think a non BPD would find it humiliating).  I now feel like I have to be hyper aware of everything I’m saying to make sure it can’t be perceived the wrong way – sometimes I slip up which triggers his reaction.  How do I counter his perception that I’m doing it on purpose?

Any words of wisdom are welcome !

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[ArleighBurke]

BPD is all about blaming others for what they feel/do.

I’m struggling with how to do that without agreeing with his position (which is usually that I did something wrong or I’m ignorant, etc... ).

You agree with what he FEELS. Because what he feels is not wrong - he certainly feels that - it just may be not what YOU (or most other people) would feel given that situation (but don't say that to him!)

For example, my BF often tells me that I humiliate him in public – I’ll say something that triggers a negative reaction from him and he’ll accuse me of doing it on purpose.  I typically apologize and explain that it wasn’t my intent to humiliate him

Telling him your intent doesn't change how he feels. Apologising for saying something that made him feel humiliated is good (whether or not what you said was humilitating is irrelevant!). Then express empathy WITH HIS FEELING. Then you can tell him some truth if you want, but most times it's not needed.

This is the SET technique. Sympathy, Empathy, Truth. Search for it on this site - you'll find lots.

How do I counter his perception that I’m doing it on purpose?

I'm not sure you can. You say something which he feels bad about. He can't admit that you were good, and that he just overacted, because that would be him having to admit that he has a problem - which a BPD can't do. So instead, it's easier to believe that you are being mean. Empathise with his feeling, sooth him a little, and move on.

[livednlearned]

Hi FedUp74,

Welcome and hello  

It says a lot about your strength that you can depersonalize the insults. That takes a lot of emotional maturity!

I’m struggling with how to do that without agreeing with his position (which is usually that I did something wrong or I’m ignorant, etc... ).  For example, my BF often tells me that I humiliate him in public – I’ll say something that triggers a negative reaction from him and he’ll accuse me of doing it on purpose.  I typically apologize and explain that it wasn’t my intent to humiliate him (although I don’t think a non BPD would find it humiliating).  I now feel like I have to be hyper aware of everything I’m saying to make sure it can’t be perceived the wrong way – sometimes I slip up which triggers his reaction.  How do I counter his perception that I’m doing it on purpose?

Apologizing is a little different than validation.

Validation is about recognizing that he has that feeling -- he feels humiliated. No point in arguing with that.

"You felt humiliated when you thought I ignored you in public. I can understand why someone would feel that way."

When his emotions are swelling, he's in emotion mind. You are in rational mind. Anything that gets said that doesn't confirm how he feels in emotion mind will be discarded, anyway. When you use validation, you're speaking to his emotional state. "Yes, I understand you feel humiliated." And mean it   He felt something happened (that didn't), and that made him feel humiliated. Usually, if you can depersonalize a little and have empathy for this scenario he feels actually happened, you can see how he might feel that way.

This is different than agreeing that you humiliated him.

If you defend yourself (JADE = justify, argue, defend, explain), you are using a language he is not able to speak at the moment. It just pisses him off and gives him a  new thing to be angry about.

If it's something important where the truth has to be stated, it's often better to wait until he has returned to baseline.

Also, in my experience validation tends to work best before a full-blown dysregulation. After dysregulation, starts, you might have to go straight to boundaries if the dysregulation is cresting and about to engulf everyone and anything in sight. "I won't be yelled at so I'm going to exit stage left here. I want to hear what you are saying, and to do that, I need to wait until my nerves have calmed down. I'll be back in 2 hours."

I have found validating questions to be a really helpful way to ease into this.

Oh?

How did you feel about that?

What did you do?

And then what did you do?

What would you like to do?

When do you think it could be done?

What do you think the outcome will be?

What do you think might work?

What do you think would work next time?

Are there other options?

What happened?

How did it happen?

Where did it happen?