Apparently she wants to show how bad I am to my oldest daughter

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Oldest daughter is home for a few days from college.  I fully expected wife to be emotional, I certainly am.

I didn't expect her to try to invite conflict in front of her.

Basically... .I went downstairs and realized all the school children were still up and I asked what time she was planning on sending them to bed.  With total disgust she asks what time I wanted them in bed and I said I had expected them to be in bed at bedtime... .(which was 1.5 hours ago... I didn't verbalize this part... .bedtime is well known).

So... my wife in a weird tone sends kids to bed.  6 year old starts having a meltdown (she has been deprived of a lot of sleep lately... .not my choice).  My wife starts saying "she was about to" turn off TV and let her sleep down here... .again... all in weird tones.

So... .I asked her to go speak privately, she doesn't respond... .I go tend to kids, getting them in bed and all that and about 5 minutes later go back to room where my wife is.

"Are you going to be able to speak privately to me tonight?" was the question I asked.  

Her answer  "I don't know... what is it you want to talk about?  (D6s name?)"

me:  "That would be one of the things"  Her (interrupting) "What else?" (very challenging and nasty)

me "We can discuss that in private.  I'm not going to hash this out in front of an audience."

silence

me "I'm going to go handle (D6) or talk in private, which would you prefer?"

her:  Waving her hand dismissively at me  "Well then... go handle D6"

Daughter has been home one day.  She had the 1000 yard stare that I have seen many times as she sits feet away from us... .trying to ignore it.

Very frustrating and troubling.

I suppose looking back on it I'm not sure if I should have went back to basement or if I should have stayed there for a few more minutes the first time around.

Likely no good answers.

Sigh...

FF

[formflier]

Oldest daughter is home for a few days from college.  I fully expected wife to be emotional, I certainly am.

I didn't expect her to try to invite conflict in front of her.

Basically... .I went downstairs and realized all the school children were still up and I asked what time she was planning on sending them to bed.  With total disgust she asks what time I wanted them in bed and I said I had expected them to be in bed at bedtime... .(which was 1.5 hours ago... I didn't verbalize this part... .bedtime is well known).

So... my wife in a weird tone sends kids to bed.  6 year old starts having a meltdown (she has been deprived of a lot of sleep lately... .not my choice).  My wife starts saying "she was about to" turn off TV and let her sleep down here... .again... all in weird tones.

So... .I asked her to go speak privately, she doesn't respond... .I go tend to kids, getting them in bed and all that and about 5 minutes later go back to room where my wife is.

"Are you going to be able to speak privately to me tonight?" was the question I asked.  

Her answer  "I don't know... what is it you want to talk about?  (D6s name?)"

me:  "That would be one of the things"  Her (interrupting) "What else?" (very challenging and nasty)

me "We can discuss that in private.  I'm not going to hash this out in front of an audience."

silence

me "I'm going to go handle (D6) or talk in private, which would you prefer?"

her:  Waving her hand dismissively at me  "Well then... go handle D6"

Daughter has been home one day.  She had the 1000 yard stare that I have seen many times as she sits feet away from us... .trying to ignore it.

Very frustrating and troubling.

I suppose looking back on it I'm not sure if I should have went back to basement or if I should have stayed there for a few more minutes the first time around.

Likely no good answers.

Sigh...

FF

[Inneedofhelp]

Sounds too familiar. Both kids at stbx house last night, and D8 should have been asleep by 9pm but when I called to say goodnight S12 said she was still up and not ready for bed. I called back about 930 and stbx said it wasn't the end of the world-sometimes they go to bed late-but if it was reversed he would tell me about the importance of their sleep. Then he gets in fight with S12 because he tried to encourage his dad to get his sister in bed. Stbx did not like "the disrespectful behavior" and called me to get involved-to support him he said. Everyone was elevated and my poor exhausted D8 started crying because of the yelling

Seems like your brief responses and not engaging in the conflict was a good choice. Your oldest daughter has been hearing these interactions for how many years? She is worn out from it all, right?

[Notwendy]

I would expect that your daughter being home for a while is emotional- in a good way and also a readjustment. Dynamics change. Also-  she has been on her own and away from her family drama. She probably has mixed feelings about this . She loves her family but at this point is aware that something is off.

What if you asked her how she is feeling about being home ? Allow her to be honest with you. Don't react - or judge- just listen. It could be anything from I miss my friends to I can't stand watching you and mom argue to what's wrong with you or mom or both?

She's smart enough to go to college. She's going to figure it out.  With the internet it won't take long.  Although you walk a fine line here- to not triangulate or bad mouth , or cross the line to TMI- she may ask some questions.

[formflier]

I'll be sure to have another conversation with my daughter before she leaves.  She has had opportunities to talk about this in the past, and very directly said that she would rather not.

I've respected her wishes.

I've made a choice to drop my kids off at school this morning, rather than put them on the bus.  That will get them an extra 20 minutes or so of sleep.


FF

[BeagleGirl]

I'll be sure to have another conversation with my daughter before she leaves.  She has had opportunities to talk about this in the past, and very directly said that she would rather not.

I've respected her wishes.

I see that as two big wins.  You have a daughter who feels capable of setting and maintaining boundaries (I suspect I know where she learned that  ), and you are respecting those and avoiding dragging her into a triangle situation.     

My S18 returns from college in a little over a week.  While I'm really glad S14 will no longer be facing the daily reminder of the separation alone, I am a bit nervous about how S18 will react to the new environment and how I will be tempted to react to his reaction.    I will definitely be watching for updates on how this is playing out for you.

[BrianTx]

formflier, Man I can relate to this.  When I was reading this, I thought for a second that it was a post that I wrote about my wife.  The added pain of knowing that your kids see this type of behavior is really painful for me personally.  I have to say that I applaud you for your calmness in trying to get her to talk to you.  In the past I would have just lost it and exploded because I couldn't even get her to respond to my questions.  Now days I seek to be patient and calm.  I realize that I may not get the response that I want and that its not my job to try to control my wife.  If she doesn't want to talk, then I accept it and move on.

[formflier]

Thanks for the replies.

Got to kids to school with a minute or two to spare.  D6 ate on the drive over.  They seemed in OK spirits on the way over.

My mindset, once I discovered kids up way past bedtime was to "end it quickly", give her a chance (but not demand) to talk.  Once it seemed obvious she wanted to "do something" in front of an audience... again... .end that quickly, one way or another.

FF

[formflier]

We actually had a decent talk about the schedule for the next few days.  I didn't bring up the past at all.

She and others are going to her parents for dinner and visiting this evening.  I asked what time she would have kids home to bed and she thought for a bit and then said 9pm.

I accepted it and moved on.

Several other questions were asked about her desires or wants and I got non answers "Well we don't have time so it doesn't matter" 

I said "ohh... .ok... " and moved on.  FF of a while back would have asked her for a direct answer or otherwise pressed.  I asked... she decided to not reveal her desires and I'll respect her decision.

I'm heading out to eat and enjoy myself.

FF