Hello - my sister is BPD and it's killing my Mom

[Chandler]

Hi. The subject line is just what popped into my mind (it wasn't thoughtfully considered, but it's honest anyway).

I'm 43 and my sister is 56. She lives with my Mom, who is 81 and has had a string of health problems, most recently a series of mini-strokes. My sister has gone back and forth over the past 10 years living with my mom (locally) and my dad (out of state). This time she's lived with Mom for nearly 2.5 years. It was not supposed to be, but then, it never is: after the last time she lived here (for about 2 years), it took nearly 3 months for her (and her convicted-murderer husband, who my Mom, in her infinite wisdom, allowed to move in with her and both live in her old room--for more than one year) to finally GTFO. It was an utter nightmare that involved numerous calls to the police. They were both using meth, and my sister was at her worst (which is saying a lot), with frequent screaming-in-the-middle-of-the-street (sometimes without any clothing), self-harm (cutting and severe scratching), and theft (stolen from my mom, in addition to all of the $$$ support Mom was already providing).

You kind of get the idea, I think. Dec 2014, after having not lived there for 2 years, my Dad and sister visited--and my sister orchestrated/manipulated her way back. She started a fight with my Dad and ended up not going back to Oregon (a 500 mile drive one way, incidentally). This, despite the fact that he drove back THREE TIMES to get her. (Yes, I know--definition of insanity... ) Mom felt like she couldn't say "no" (she had never actually told my sister that she was never, ever allowed to live there again--something she promised to me, but was so used to tip-toeing around my sister that she just never got around to it. And now... she's trapped once again. Or at least, she feels trapped.)

My 15 year old nephew is now living there, with his mom (long story, but she is a meth user and her mostly-do-nothing boyfriend is there... a meth user too, but they are still more helpful than my sister.) My sister believes she is entitled to be there. No one dares suggest she really shouldn't even be there to begin with. Mom truly seems to believe she has no say in the matter; she even says she wants them (the meth users there) because at least they clean the house and cook once in awhile.

There's more to this story (social services was going to visit but they missed Mom before she left town to visit family). But I've gone on long enough. I live 90 miles away, other family also feel the way I do (that Mom should have her house back and get REAL in-home health care. She is adamant about wanting to stay in the house, which by the way is on a reverse mortgage). I just feel helpless. The first step, I think, is for Mom to see that she has options; that she doesn't have to live this way. Telling my sister would surely spark an ugly reaction; but I'm beyond tired of walking on egg shells.

As for my relationship with my sister, you might have guessed that it isn't great. That is accurate; it isn't. I have OCD, and she seems to provoke it in every possible way, aside from being verbally abusive, a slob/hoarder, and... well, a rager. But I don't really care so much about the sibling relationship any more--my priority is Mom. I  just don't know what can be done.

Thank you for listening!

Sincerely,

Chandler

[Kwamina]

Hi Chandler,

I would like to welcome you to our online community

The situation with your sister is quite sad. She clearly has some major issues and her meth use really does not help at all. Has your sister in the past ever gotten any help for her issues?

I understand your concern for your now elderly mother. Your mother also has her own health issues which only makes this situation more complicated and frustrating. Unfortunately we can't make other people change if they do not want to themselves. You cannot change your sister and your mother is also an adult responsible for her own choices. Do you feel like your mother truly acknowledges the severity of your sister's issues?

Often family-members of people with BPD tend to do things out of a sense of 'FOG'. Do you perhaps feel like your mother let's herself be 'controlled' by your sister out of fear, obligation and/or guilt (FOG)?

The Board Parrot

[Chandler]

Hi Kwamina,

Thank you! Yes, FOG is dead-on; I hadn't heard that, but that nails it: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. That resonates with me, too, because those are feelings with which I am very familiar. I feel like those 3 have been weighing me down for most of my life, really. Good for me I don't have children and never will, but that's another story.

I called Adult Protective Services and apprised them of the situation (they are aware of some of it, but from a friend of my sister--who views her more favorably than most, let's just say?) There is a social worker assigned, and I have her contact info; my Mom returns from vacation Monday, to whatever chaos awaits. My Mom is aware they will be visiting; I hope she is able to communicate her wishes to them clearly (though I am not highly optimistic based on past experience). She never wants to kick anyone out--unless it gets really, really bad. I've just been through this too many times before. It's wearying.