The gift that I don't want, but have had to take.

[Mavrik]

I knew something was up but chose to ignore it as didnt want to accept that this 'thing' had come back from the darkness it dwells in, to bite me back and drag me back to the dark place where it lives.

It's less of a gift, more of a burden but it has been given  to me nicely wrapped and a nice big bow on it, and I had to take it and couldn't say 'I don't want it'.

This thing I talk of is depression.

I broke up with my BPD ex, well she ended it with me. It hit me like a tonne of bricks, after which, I was on the road to recovery but was charmed back into meeting with my ex (who is BPD), the meeting went badly and she turned on me. I drove home with tears in my eyes (that's one of the affects of my depression it makes me very tearful at the slightest emotional thing, or major things ( like this incident). I thought it was due to what had occurred that evening with my ex, and ignored my own signs. Maybe hoping my depression hadn't come back.

At work and at home I would become tearful for no real reason. Sat in my room with a sinking feeling and tears rolling down my face thaf I simply couldn't stop.

Sat at home the past 2 days I accepted what had happened to me and my depression was back. Had to go back on my meds, tried therapy and alsorts in the past it doesn't work for me, so meds it is.

I hate losing people and don't allow them into my life much (no I don't have attachment issues) , I'm a closed book, you have to be very special to me for me to allow you in. I let her in and she damaged me a lot and here I am, now in the darkness.

Even after all the high profile incidents with celebs who have suffered from this. I find It's still a taboo subject, and no one wants to listen and ignore it. I've had comments such as 'cheer up', as if it's as easy as that. And comments such as 'you are such a lively person, with lots of friends and people around you, how can you have it'. 'You have so much going on in your life and have so much, you can't have depression'.

It's not something we chose and it's not something we want, it's sadly the fall out and after affects of the ending of an intense relationship.

So the dark place is where I will have to stay for a while, simply because I loved someone that couldn't be loved.

Nobody wants to suffer depression and the taboos that go with it. But sadly it's a part of me (and those that suffer from it) and makes us who we are.

It's painful to know that trying to find love can cause this to happen, makes you think why bother.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Mavrik,

I'm sorry that you are going through this depression. It sounds very difficult to deal with.    I feel that I was depressed after my breakup, too, and I was hurting a lot and didn't care about life anymore. I think that is called situational depression. But there is also clinical depression that, from what I've heard, can be ongoing and debilitating for those who suffer. I'm glad that you have found that medication helps, at least.

Had you had issues with depression before you met your ex., Mavrik? Were you managing it well?

heartandwhole

[Mavrik]

I had depression for the first time 8 years ago, due to an ongoing legal matter, then that went. But the past 3 years I've started with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), which seems to have stayed with me since last December when my realatiinship with my BPD ended. I can't seem to shif it.

It's like a chicken and egg situation. I struggle with the breakup which brings on  my condition, and I can't deal with my condition due to needing to recover from my break up.

I've been in a BPD relationship before (which was just messaging and chats) when that ended if spiralled me into the dark place. And now this time again with my ex.

Want to reach out to her, as she's a therapist too (not my therapist) and she's great, and I know would be able to help me. But I'm on NC and need to keep it that way.