I cracked and contacted by exBPD married lover today...

[RomanticFool]

... .Or so I thought. The message didn't go through. Divine intervention? I was having a stressful day and missed talking to her so I sent a one line message saying, 'I am missing you desperately.'

As soon as I thought I'd sent it I felt awful. Had the words of the article I read on here ringing in my ears, "As soon as you recontact her, you are giving your power away.'

The weird thing is, I can find no trace of the message having been written in my emails, either on my phone or anywhere else. Odd. It's been five weeks since I ended it she hasn't tried to talk me out of it or contacted me at all. Part of me is devastated, part of me relieved.

Part of my codependency means it can take me years and years to get over relationship break ups. One relationship took me ten years to finally let go. Some eight years after we had broken up I used to do long drives up the M1 to see a different girlfriend, still having conversations (out loud) to the ex.

Does anybody else suffer from this? Why does it take me so long? How can I stop myself contacting my exBPD married lover and feeling empty and desperate without a woman who feels like my sexual and emotional Nirvana? But judging by her lack of response to me ending it is either furious or indifferent.

[schwing]

Hi RomanticFool,

Does anybody else suffer from this? Why does it take me so long? How can I stop myself contacting my exBPD married lover and feeling empty and desperate without a woman who feels like my sexual and emotional Nirvana? But judging by her lack of response to me ending it is either furious or indifferent.

I too identify this tendency in myself as codependency.

In my case, whenever I felt the pull or inclination to think about / obsess over my exBPDgf, I re-identified this behavior as avoidance behavior.  Again, I am talking about myself -- what you are going through may be different.  But the way I see it is whenever I felt a deep pain, I projected that pain onto my exBPDgf: either I saw her as the cause of it, or I saw her as once being an oasis from this pain (such as your "sexual and emotional Nirvana".  In my mind, these were "acceptable" reasons for feeling awful.  The thing is, because these projected feelings weren't really getting to the core of why I was feeling crappy, they just persisted.

Until I started re-interpreting this pull/inclination to focus on my exBPDgf, as an indication that I was not having a healthy emotional relationship with myself.

As a codependent, I have always found any effort towards taking care of myself to be extremely difficult, like pulling teeth.  This is not to say I am a recluse and have uncut 20 inch fingernails or something awful like that.  Rather, I'm pretty good at taking care of myself when something is clearly wrong (i.e. injuried, illness, etc... ).  But I stink at cultivating my own happiness (i.e. doing things to promote wellness, self-engagement, etc... )

As a codependent, this is at the heart of why sometimes I have great difficulty "letting go" of whatever it is I have trouble letting go of.

I have found that the focus of whatever it is I'm having trouble letting go of, is a distraction from doing all those other things that I now consider self-care (i.e. cultivating happiness).

Part of my codependency means it can take me years and years to get over relationship break ups. One relationship took me ten years to finally let go. Some eight years after we had broken up I used to do long drives up the M1 to see a different girlfriend, still having conversations (out loud) to the ex.

In my case, it seemed like it was taking too long to "get over" certain relationships (especially BPD relationships).  That was a clue as to the nature of some of my core emotional wounds.  The thing is, accessing that pain didn't come easy either.  It's like I was so good at displacing the pain (i.e. focusing on other things, other people, except myself) that it wasn't until I could establish a good routine of self-care, that I started to really *feel* how awful I felt.

And just like with pwBPD, you cannot "get over" something you are in denial over.  But once you get out of denial and you start your recovery, it does get easier.

I hope some of this is helpful to you.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Schwing, it is immensely helpful. Codependency is at the root of my problem. My emotional wound probably dates back to childhood with very argumentative parents, a large family and not being properly nurtured by people who didn't know how to do it and my dad is codependent and my late mother a very forceful and domineering woman.

I attach so profoundly to women I fall for that I often feel desperate (and as I get older and feel less optimistic about life), with suicidal ideation. I would like to have extended therapy with a personality disorder expert but it is prohibitively expensive and the cheaper counselling just doesn't get to the root of my issues, hence my presence here.

I do also wonder if I am suffering from traits of either BPD or NPD myself. For example, I have had a terrible sense of yearning for women I engage with in relationships and a fear of 'engulfment' and thus push/pull, with women I am not emotionally engaged with. I was brought up a Catholic until i rejected aged 13 and I think deep down I suffer from toxic shame and low self esteem. I always have terrible fear of abandonment with somebody I love deeply. The NPD traits in me are often desiring to be the centre of attention, rages in relationships if my jealousy is aroused, though I stress NOT physically violent towards people. However, with my exBPD her silent treatment behaviour triggered terrible textual rages and revenge fantasies.

She was always the object of my desire and because she was married, when I couldn't have her I would often verbally attack her with accusations of not caring about me (probably true actually) and constant threats to leave the relationship, which I have now done.

[AlternateReality]

Not sure why but i was Co-Dependent with my exBPD but i have not been in any other relationship.   I can only imagine what a BPD could do with someone already Co-Dependent.

I think Co-Dependencies get a bit of a stigma as being a negative, but Co-dependents in a healthy and caring relationship are a positive and caring people.

[RomanticFool]

Thanks AlternateReality, it certainly feels like I am ill equipped to deal with being madly in love with anybody, let alone a BPD. However, even in my most attached and obsessive states, I am also capable of suffering 'engulfment.' An old friend of mine confided during my 20's that he was worried about me as I always said I wanted a woman to love me, but then seemed to sabotage relationships or be uncompromising.

The article 'What happens when a BPD meets a Narcissist' really rang bells with me. Not just with my exBPD's behaviour, but also with my own. I always feel that I don't lack empathy, particularly in relationships, but I am often preoccupied with my own life in such a way that it can make me resentful to have to consider other people. Not always, but often when I am in pain or under stress.

It would be the utmost irony if after having been involved with a BPD all of this time and feeling like her victim, I have a personality disorder myself.

[AlternateReality]

Thanks AlternateReality, it certainly feels like I am ill equipped to deal with being madly in love with anybody, let alone a BPD.

Opening yourself up to be hurt is part of being in love... Its the choosing whom we open our vulnerabilities too is the issue.
my BPD turned me inside out, and i was fully immersed into her world.  We only ever did things that she liked, music she listened to etc...   So every time the relationship came crashing down it felt like my world came crashing down as well...

Keep in mind my 10 year marriage divorce was bad but the 3 year relationship with BPD was 100 times worse for me.

[RomanticFool]

We only ever did things that she liked, music she listened to etc...   So every time the relationship came crashing down it felt like my world came crashing down as well...

That sounds so familiar. She did eventually deign to come to the cinema with me a couple of times and I mistakenly took this to mean she must love me. Looking back, the only time she did this was when I visited her home town and she didn't know what else to do with me! All of the live music we listened to was her choice which when it's over is a massive bone of contention in terms of feeling controlled, manipulated and used.

[AlternateReality]

That sounds so familiar. She did eventually deign to come to the cinema with me a couple of times and I mistakenly took this to mean she must love me. Looking back, the only time she did this was when I visited her home town and she didn't know what else to do with me! All of the live music we listened to was her choice which when it's over is a massive bone of contention in terms of feeling controlled, manipulated and used.

This probably wont be a popular thing to say but it really help me move past mine...    Let that pain turn to hate and focus that hate on her.   Hearing people justify a BPD actions can prolong the pain if your reeling in the Hell they made for you... I can tell from your posts you are wading through it right now...    Later you can work on forgiving, which to me is crucial in moving past any hurt.

[schwing]

Codependency is at the root of my problem. My emotional wound probably dates back to childhood with very argumentative parents, a large family and not being properly nurtured by people who didn't know how to do it and my dad is codependent and my late mother a very forceful and domineering woman.

I attach so profoundly to women I fall for that I often feel desperate (and as I get older and feel less optimistic about life), with suicidal ideation.

You might consider that the way you interact with the women you fall for, might in some way mirror the way you interacted with your parents (probably your mother) in your youth.

So in a sense, the kind of women you are selecting (consciously or unconsciously) is an effort to work through the pains of your upbringing.

One antidote to break this cycle is to find a way to work through that pain.  Another antidote is to make a conscious choice of no longer selecting these kinds of women -- and that would require selecting women who are not this way which can be daunting in that it will be way outside your comfort/familiarity zone.

I would like to have extended therapy with a personality disorder expert but it is prohibitively expensive and the cheaper counselling just doesn't get to the root of my issues, hence my presence here.

Would you consider finding a codependents anonymous group?  You might get lucky and find out through contacts about other more assessable mental health resources.

I do also wonder if I am suffering from traits of either BPD or NPD myself. For example, I have had a terrible sense of yearning for women I engage with in relationships and a fear of 'engulfment' and thus push/pull, with women I am not emotionally engaged with.

It's pretty normal to emulate the behaviors of our parents.  Though, when they are disordered, our reasons for acting in similar manners might be a bit different (unless we're also disordered).

If I had to guess, you might be more like to have a fear of intimacy rather than a fear of abandonment.

I was brought up a Catholic until i rejected aged 13 and I think deep down I suffer from toxic shame and low self esteem. I always have terrible fear of abandonment with somebody I love deeply.

You see, even though you see it as a fear of abandonment: you might be unconsciously selecting partners who are "incapable" of intimacy (for different reasons).  And such partners are the most likely to abandon you.  But if you did not have a fear of intimacy, then you might be more likely (or willing) to consider courtship with a partner who is actually capable of intimacy.

In my experience, what fear of intimacy looked like was the people I dated who were perhaps capable of intimacy, never "felt right" for me.  The only people who "felt right" or where I found good "chemistry" were always the people whose psychology was (unconsciously) familiar to me.  And it turned out (not by coincidence) that they were also disordered. 

One of the mantras I lived by was "face your fears and choose the unfamiliar in order to avoid the hell of the familiar."

The NPD traits in me are often desiring to be the centre of attention, rages in relationships if my jealousy is aroused, though I stress NOT physically violent towards people. However, with my exBPD her silent treatment behaviour triggered terrible textual rages and revenge fantasies.

Maybe they are NPD traits, maybe not.  You just need to pay attention when your emotions seem disproportionate to you actual situation.  If you find yourself over reacting to a situation, chances are it is because the situation resonates with some other deeper memory.

She was always the object of my desire and because she was married, when I couldn't have her I would often verbally attack her with accusations of not caring about me (probably true actually) and constant threats to leave the relationship, which I have now done.

Someone who is already married is technically unavailable (if not incapable) for intimacy because that intimacy is limited by current attachment.  I think this fear of intimacy is why some people select unavailable (emotionally or otherwise) partners.

[RomanticFool]

You might consider that the way you interact with the women you fall for, might in some way mirror the way you interacted with your parents (probably your mother) in your youth.

So in a sense, the kind of women you are selecting (consciously or unconsciously) is an effort to work through the pains of your upbringing.

Yes I had considered that. I think you are right about my mother, she was a very strong, domineering woman with constant complaints about she never got enough attention.

One antidote to break this cycle is to find a way to work through that pain.  Another antidote is to make a conscious choice of no longer selecting these kinds of women -- and that would require selecting women who are not this way which can be daunting in that it will be way outside your comfort/familiarity zone.

I thought I had broken the mould when I met my wife but it turns out she has intimacy issues and isn't massively interested in my life either. Go figure.

Would you consider finding a codependents anonymous group?  You might get lucky and find out through contacts about other more assessable mental health resources.

I attend AA meetings and Have attended CODA meetings and also SLAA, but I found both of these groups have less fellowship than AA. I might actually go back to CODA and see if anybody knows anything about where to get cheap therapy.

It's pretty normal to emulate the behaviors of our parents.  Though, when they are disordered, our reasons for acting in similar manners might be a bit different (unless we're also disordered).

If I had to guess, you might be more like to have a fear of intimacy rather than a fear of abandonment.

This is a revelation to me. If it is fear of intimacy it is doing a great job of disguising itself as fear of abandonment. I have suffered so profoundly in my life from being dumped in relationships that I don't ever want to be in this position again. I think with my borderline is the first time I've ever walked away from someone who I am deeply in love with because I knew it wasn't healthy. That gives you some idea of the pain I've been in.

You see, even though you see it as a fear of abandonment: you might be unconsciously selecting partners who are "incapable" of intimacy (for different reasons).  And such partners are the most likely to abandon you.  But if you did not have a fear of intimacy, then you might be more likely (or willing) to consider courtship with a partner who is actually capable of intimacy.

In my experience, what fear of intimacy looked like was the people I dated who were perhaps capable of intimacy, never "felt right" for me.  The only people who "felt right" or where I found good "chemistry" were always the people whose psychology was (unconsciously) familiar to me.  And it turned out (not by coincidence) that they were also disordered. 

One of the mantras I lived by was "face your fears and choose the unfamiliar in order to avoid the hell of the familiar."

I have certainly been abandoned by the ones who have had problems with intimacy and I have abandoned the ones that didn't. This seems to back up what you are saying here. It is shocking to me that I have caused myself so much pain in this way if this is true.

Maybe they are NPD traits, maybe not.  You just need to pay attention when your emotions seem disproportionate to you actual situation.  If you find yourself over reacting to a situation, chances are it is because the situation resonates with some other deeper memory.

Dead right again. I certainly have triggers around self esteem and being abandoned by somebody I have a strong attachment to. Is it possible this is not the same for all men if they have found a beautiful woman though? Us men think with our penises most of the time (OK I speak for myself) and finding a woman one could see themselves sleeping with into later life is what we all seek isn't it?

Someone who is already married is technically unavailable (if not incapable) for intimacy because that intimacy is limited by current attachment.  I think this fear of intimacy is why some people select unavailable (emotionally or otherwise) partners.

Now this is the nub of it. In my mind I have kept seeing this woman for so long because I have a strong physical, psychological and perhaps even spiritual (don't laugh) attraction to her. If she wasn't beautiful and sexy I don't think we'd be having this conversation. So is it fear of intimacy, or low self esteem at work because I don't think I could ever get anybody this good again, and so I accept her unavailability.

[RomanticFool]

This probably wont be a popular thing to say but it really help me move past mine...    Let that pain turn to hate and focus that hate on her.   Hearing people justify a BPD actions can prolong the pain if your reeling in the Hell they made for you... I can tell from your posts you are wading through it right now...    Later you can work on forgiving, which to me is crucial in moving past any hurt.

I understand why you suggest this and God knows there have been times that I hate her. This is probably the first time I've ever walked away from anybody I love and so my usual venom isn't there. Quite the opposite, I'm feeling like I abandoned her. Then I remind myself of the absolute Hell she's put me through over the last couple of years and it doesn't make me hate her, but just reinforces my decision during moments of weakness.

The fact that she has made no attempt to contact me tells me my instincts about her getting ready to dump me were probably spot on. In the past when I have walked away I usually got texts saying something like 'funny way of showing love.' But on this occasion just silence. She said we could no longer text each other because her husband had found out about our relationship, but somehow it seems WhatsApp was alright. Is it just me or does this sound like bull___?

[RomanticFool]

This is such invaluable help. Thank you so much!

[RomanticFool]

You might consider that the way you interact with the women you fall for, might in some way mirror the way you interacted with your parents (probably your mother) in your youth.

So in a sense, the kind of women you are selecting (consciously or unconsciously) is an effort to work through the pains of your upbringing.

Yes I had considered that. I think you are right about my mother, she was a very strong, domineering woman with constant complaints about she never got enough attention.

One antidote to break this cycle is to find a way to work through that pain.  Another antidote is to make a conscious choice of no longer selecting these kinds of women -- and that would require selecting women who are not this way which can be daunting in that it will be way outside your comfort/familiarity zone.

I thought I had broken the mould when I met my wife but it turns out she has intimacy issues and isn't massively interested in my life either. Go figure.

Would you consider finding a codependents anonymous group?  You might get lucky and find out through contacts about other more assessable mental health resources.

I attend AA meetings and Have attended CODA meetings and also SLAA, but I found both of these groups have less fellowship than AA. I might actually go back to CODA and see if anybody knows anything about where to get cheap therapy.

It's pretty normal to emulate the behaviors of our parents.  Though, when they are disordered, our reasons for acting in similar manners might be a bit different (unless we're also disordered).

If I had to guess, you might be more like to have a fear of intimacy rather than a fear of abandonment.

This is a revelation to me. If it is fear of intimacy it is doing a great job of disguising itself as fear of abandonment. I have suffered so profoundly in my life from being dumped in relationships that I don't ever want to be in this position again. I think with my borderline is the first time I've ever walked away from someone who I am deeply in love with because I knew it wasn't healthy. That gives you some idea of the pain I've been in.

You see, even though you see it as a fear of abandonment: you might be unconsciously selecting partners who are "incapable" of intimacy (for different reasons).  And such partners are the most likely to abandon you.  But if you did not have a fear of intimacy, then you might be more likely (or willing) to consider courtship with a partner who is actually capable of intimacy.

In my experience, what fear of intimacy looked like was the people I dated who were perhaps capable of intimacy, never "felt right" for me.  The only people who "felt right" or where I found good "chemistry" were always the people whose psychology was (unconsciously) familiar to me.  And it turned out (not by coincidence) that they were also disordered.  

One of the mantras I lived by was "face your fears and choose the unfamiliar in order to avoid the hell of the familiar."

I have certainly been abandoned by the ones who have had problems with intimacy and I have abandoned the ones that didn't. This seems to back up what you are saying here. It is shocking to me that I have caused myself so much pain in this way if this is true.

Maybe they are NPD traits, maybe not.  You just need to pay attention when your emotions seem disproportionate to you actual situation.  If you find yourself over reacting to a situation, chances are it is because the situation resonates with some other deeper memory.

Dead right again. I certainly have triggers around self esteem and being abandoned by somebody I have a strong attachment to. Is it possible this is the same for all men if they have found a beautiful woman though? Us men think with our penises most of the time (OK I speak for myself) and finding a woman one could see themselves sleeping with into later life is what we all seek isn't it?

Someone who is already married is technically unavailable (if not incapable) for intimacy because that intimacy is limited by current attachment.  I think this fear of intimacy is why some people select unavailable (emotionally or otherwise) partners.

Now this is the nub of it. In my mind I have kept seeing this woman for so long because I have a strong physical, psychological and perhaps even spiritual (don't laugh) attraction to her. If she wasn't beautiful and sexy I don't think we'd be having this conversation. So is it fear of intimacy, or low self esteem at work because I don't think I could ever get anybody this good again, and so I accept her unavailability?

[RomanticFool]

Thanks for such detailed feedback. Sorry for the repetition of posts, gremlins in the works. Will try and delete one.

[RomanticFool]

Trying to erase one of the repeated posts, can't figure out how to do it.

[GuySmiley]

Just reading through this thread - identify with absolutely everything RomanticFool posts. To the point I'm wondering if we're both on here for the same woman.

Ha, joking.

Hopefully.

[massagequeen]

oh my gosh! I feel as though you are writting my story. the difference is  I am married to mine. I left mine 3 days ago and he is still calling and texting telling me he will change. I can not go back to this man but I am addicted to him. I met him 3 months after a divorce and like a idiot got swept up in the romance and love after all this was my soulmate! we married 9 months later and have been on this destructive path for 6 years. mine is a compulsive liar , a cheater and has major compulsions with money. but I keep going back . he sucks me back in with his sorrys, the sex, the words its like reading a romance novel when he texts me. this man is a total fake. he pretends he is someone else victimizeing these other wemon while I sit on the sidelines with the children waiting for him to find someone diffrent the list goes on and on. he has offered to give me all assets and money in the divorce. I am running to the attorney next week  efore he changes his mind so I can protect my financial future. I relyed on this man I just finished a year long custody battle with my ex all based on my complete family and am still waiting for the results. then out of the blue another woman contacts me and had a long conversation. this man is sick. It would be easy if he was horrible and abusive to me and the children but he is nurtureing and kind and appears to be the perfect mate. the romance has never stoped the sex has never dwindled . there are no signs of this mans secret life. 

[RomanticFool]

GuySmiley they are all the same woman, my friend!

[RomanticFool]

massagequeen have you considered that you may be addicted to the feelings of upset that this man invokes in you? When somebody suggested that to me after my 'soulmate' went silent on me again for the thousandth time, I wanted to punch them. But guess what? It may be true. I thought I was addicted to the sex - truth is, as sexy and amazing as she is, she wasn't attentive to my needs in or out of the bedroom. So why was I so addicted?

Because I felt I could never get a woman like her again. I put her on a pedestal and told myself that she was a Goddess. When we first got together (well she's always been married so we were never together truly but we did see each other occasionally) I used to find it painful standing next to her without being able to rip her clothes off. I don't think anybody has ever had that effect on me. Part of it was that she is undoubtedly attractive, but the other part is because I knew I couldn't have her. Every crumb of intimacy and affection she threw my way, I pounced on it like a love starved orphan... .

... .Now we get to it... .I wasn't properly nurtured as a child. What I am actually playing out here is the unavailability of my parents to give me the nurturing that I needed. In the guise of this femme fatale, it got all twisted and mixed up with the sexual thrill, low self esteem and lack of self worth and so I was addicted. She would talk a good sexual game, 'You can do whatever you need to' and then when we were done, 'have you finished using me' all said with a vampish look. However, the truth is that the sex was really kind of ordinary, I just imbued it with every ounce of passion I had in me. Any actor who has ever played a king will tell you that it is your fellow actors that give you the power, you cannot be an effective king if people do not behave deferentially to you. And so it was with my exBPD Goddess. I gave her all the power over me. Even though I would fight her mistreatment of me, often vociferously and full of rage, but I would always overlook the abuse for more of the same. That must have made her feel great!

What I have discovered is that I am addicted to the feelings this woman engendered. By playing hard to get and making me chase her, the thrill of the capture was even more intoxicating, heightening the sexual thrill. Our meetings were so few and far between and half the time she was running away from me, it heightened everything, In the end I felt I couldn't live without her because she had created such a desperate need in me. Would I have felt that way if she wasn't so beautiful? Well she is 60 years old now and I still feel the same, so perhaps it is something in me rather than objective beauty. By the way, I don't mean to imply that 60 year old women are not beautiful, but the fact I still want her like I am 25 years old, suggests my attraction has addictive properties.

If your husband is always running from you, cheating on you, gambling, spending or whatever he is doing, he is creating a desire in you that has more to do with addiction than love. The best thing you can do is break all contact as soon as possible and then the spell he has over you will break.

[massagequeen]

yes I have considered this. my biological father never wanted me and i felt abandoned by him. my stepfather was an awful , selfish man who only adopted me and my siblings to keep from paying his exwife child support. I was also left by my first husband after 9 years of marriage and he was nust like my stepfather . mentally and emotionally abusive and told me I was worthless alot. he used to slap the dsm4 on my lap and tell me i was mental then diagnose me ( interesting how someone with a highschool diploma and some construction experience seemed to be qualified to do this.) I have felt abandoned by every man in my life and had a picture in my mind of haveing a male figure who was kind, loveing, careing. I do not feel I am an unattractive woman but What I feel a out myself is much diffrent. I feel worthless. like I am not worthy of love. It never accured to me to ever cheat on my man. I have only had 2 partners in my life and this was by choice as I felt I only wanted to do that while married. I feel fooled, victimized by this man but am still in pain. The family I had pictured is torn apart. I can not help but Blame myself for not meeting his emotional needs.( sexual needs were always met but always had to be when he felt like it as I am a very sexual person) it was always on his terms. I can not run and completley cut this man out of my life because we have a child together so it makes it harder. he showed up for mothers day and brought flowers and wanted to talk. I spent 5 hours crying and dumping telling him how hurt and angry i was. He spent the whole day at my home while I was away doing projects for me and fixing things to be kind. He listened and told me that I deserved to be angry said all the right words blah blah. I told him to leave and never show up uninvited again. He has vowed to change even if it takes some years he will make this up to me. he says he will take care of me and the baby whatever we need . even if he did all this things this person has damaged me beyond words. I am wounded and will never recover from this. He took advantage of my efforts at building trust and gas lighted me the whole time. he is now in group therapy and individual therapy and has gone to church clergy for help along with starting to take some budgeting classes. but my past experience is he is to lazy . he looks like hes trying for a bit but its to easy to let things go. even if he did fix himself long term how would I know? how would We ever come back from this or ever repair things. he has called all my family to confess what he has done and how messed up he is he has called all of his family to fix the wrongs he has done against them from years back. he told me even if I never take him back he will make restitutuion to me and eat rice and beans. I find myself softening to this man and have thoughts of just haveing a very long legal seperation and sit on it. but at the same time I  have issues myself and know that I will never fix them when his problems exasperate mine. I need a real man, a provider one who is dependable and who I feel safe with . I do not want another child to parent. I do not want my man to feel emasculated. I am a strong woman and I work hard. makeing money has never been a problem . but you need a partner who is a team player who is going in the same direction. when I make a decision I think about consequences and the family unit before doing it. But this person has poor impulse control. I have perfect credit and pay every bill on time.this person waits for creditors to come calling and hides this from me. when he met me I had alot of money saved and a future. he offered nothing but the love he had to give and the clothes on his back. he lied about things that he would have looked better if he told the truth. I don't know what to do but in the past I made my decisions to stay on emotion and now I am useing my head. His words mean less and less when action is what is needed and alot of dmage has already been done. I am haveing a very had time reconciling that i am ending a second marriage with children from 2 men and being alone for the next 40 years. I am massively dependent. I just feel so alone not to mention humilated and ashamed as we live in a small town and there are people( my ex and his family) who will find joy in my pain. I worry my children will find out and be damaged because to them he is wonderful. I have hidden his flaws and sins for so long. it just hurts so bad.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Massagequeen,

I'm sorry for what you are going through. It feels very traumatic for you and you are clearly in a great deal of emotional pain. It is very difficult to trust people when they have treated you so badly.

When my ExBPD married lover started drinking again, in that year when she broke all contact with me for the most of the time apart from the odd abusive text, I thought I would die.  One day she told me that she was having all her hair cut off as women from certain ancient tribes did this when their partners left them. This when she knew how desperately I wanted to see and hear from her. Another time she rang me from a concert in London where I live to say she was at a music festival. I later found out she was with another man. In the end I needed counselling to deal with the depression and the battering my self esteem took.

When we reconnected I never trusted her again. Despite the fact she had gotten sober and I helped her through rehab. So when she told me that her husband had discovered our affair and she could no longer see me, I didn't believe her and walked away. Half of the pain I am feeling is the very strong physical attraction. I had never really felt so sexually and emotionally connected to anybody in my life. That could well be because she speaks to my childhood wounds. In some way the abuse she inflicts on me is what makes the attraction stronger, because it reinforces how I really feel about myself. So now I have to try and break the cycle and change it. It would help if she wasn't my entire sex life and soulmate rolled into one. My wife and I haven't slept together for 7 years. I have no idea how to proceed from here. Firstly though I must be good to myself and try and deal with the pain.

In your case, with a history of abuse, it is going to be a very tall order to ever trust this man again. It may be that you need some time apart so that you can gather your thoughts and gauge whether his new found remorse and amends are with serious intent or just a manipulative tool to lure you back in.

The most important thing you can do right now is look after yourself and heal. You will find that in time the wounds you are feeling, namely the intense emotional upset will ease if you are good to yourself and do not allow an abuser free reign to do the same thing again. Only you can ultimately decide what is best for you and your children.

If you decide not to give it another shot with him, there are plenty of men on this planet who would be glad to be with you. A woman who is loving and caring, wants a family unit, is a hard worker and a team player is what we all want in our lives. I know your self esteem is shattered but trust me, there are plenty of decent men in this world who would welcome the chance to be with you and would cherish you.

In the meantime stick close to these boards and look after yourself. You have had a difficult time and need to heal. We are all here for each other.