SILENT TREATMENT - I cried when I read this...

[RomanticFool]

I have just read the following on the frequently asked questions section. I cried because I have been a victim of this type of abuse for many years.

Silence a.k.a. Withholding is the most damaging and hurtful form of verbal abuse. One might think that in order for the behavior to be considered verbal abusive words need to be spoken. This misunderstanding of verbal abuse adds to the recipient’s confusion within the relationship. The recipient of silence/withholding may believe the relationship is functional because the abuser may communicate functional information, but refuses—through silence/ withholding (non-responsive)—to communicate on an intimate level.

There needs to be more than an exchange of information. Healthy relationships require intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and be heard and to understand another’s feelings and experiences is empathetic comprehension.

Simply stated, silence/withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward another, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference, control and Power Over.

The consequences of any form of verbal abuse may vary in intensity, depth and breadth. However the outcome of any form of verbal abuse impacts the receiver’s self-perception, emotional well-being and spiritual vitality. Verbal abuse takes the joy and vitality out of life through the distortions of reality, because the abuser’s response does not coincide with the sender’s communication.

[Happy outside]

When he is upset with me, this is my life.

[roberto516]

I'll have to remember this. I feel most of us went through this. I think it hurts me more than communication where I'm being yelled at. I understand your pain all too well. 

[blueblue12]

I certainly went through this, for nearly an entire year, it was awful, and I was in the meantime trying my best to fix things, to help her, to be the best I could while walking on eggshells, I have to say she was terrible during this time, like a person I did not know, I did not recognise... .

[ACObound]

I certainly can agree with this post.  However... .In a couples therapy session, the T said if you really want to make someone angry, ignore them.  In long rages from my uBPDw, admittedly I would JADE for hours and then try to set a boundry by not responding.  which of course, in her mind justified what the counselor said... and pointed the finger at my for the dysfunction.

[Stripey77]

And me.  I'm currently on my 3rd cycle of my ex pretending he doesn't know me when he sees me in town, entirely due to a set of events a few weeks ago that are his doing and because he got caught doing something he didn't want me to see, shall we say. Last year I endured a ST from December until May 2016. Then another from June until October. Things have been much, much better, still confusing and vague, but better, these last 6-7 months and now boom! I am being disregarded again.

The only difference and maybe tiny bit of positivity I can give you, if it matters to you, is that they will almost certainly break the silence at some point. Without trying to clump all sufferers together in one bracket, of course they are individuals,  it is only through hours and hours of reading, primarily on this site, that I am so sure of the beast I am now dealing with, that I can say this with some confidence. My ex told me, to my face, in Christmas Eve 2015 that I had been 'deleted from his life'.  He had blocked me on almost all social media.

6 months later after an excruciating ST during which time I felt close to suicidal - watching THE love of my life walk past me as if I were a ghost in a tiny town - he decided to start talking to me again on a night out. Just like that. I had, until this point, mirrored his silence. He then drew a cross in my face and told me I had been 'cancelled' and that I no longer existed. Before locking me in a toilet with him and having a huge hour long heart to heart culminating in him kissing me and then coming home with me... .and then starting up with me again.

Before coming back from holiday a month later, and because somebody ELSE attacked him on a night out, walked out on me and stopped talking to me again for another 4 months. And then back again in October. And now out again now.

I have not been blocked on WhatsApp  - his chosen method of communciation with me. Which tells me one thing... .he will be back. Now I am far, far stronger and I know that his silence is not a punishment or done out of malice. It is a defence mechanism to protect him whatever turmoil is going on in his brain.

He can keep it... .my heart isn't in my mouth anymore, I am reflecting his silence because for the first time I am so blinking angry myself. We ALL already know he'll break his silence. Yawn.

PLEASE please please remember that their silence speaks not of you, or your worth. But volumes about them.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Stripey,

Thanks for this reply. Very insightful. My exBPD married lover switched me from text messaging a few weeks ago onto WhatsApp after telling me that her husband found out about us. I saw it as distancing and so I walked away.

Fast forward 5 weeks and I got a message on WhatsApp at 3.15am saying 'Thinking of you.' This then started frantic communication from me which eventually resulted in today's messaging which I have posted under the heading: The Final Conflict.

It felt good to give her a piece of my mind. I told her to leave me alone to heal, so you can bet your bottom dollar that she won't. I even told her she has BPD. I said it all because she has wasted so many years of my life with empty promises and false words of love that I am simply BORED. This is a woman that that I have been obsessive and insane about. Her dysfunctional behaviour has led me to feeling bored. I'd never have believed it was possible.

[Huh?]

The only difference and maybe tiny bit of positivity I can give you, if it matters to you, is that they will almost certainly break the silence at some point.

I've never heard from an ex after the silent treatment was bestowed upon me. Going on six years from the woman who brought me here... .saw her for the first time at the gym a few months ago, she wouldn't even look in my direction as she ran laps around my position on the indoor track.  

My most recent ex, cut her own mother off for 7 years until her mom eventually wore her down.  She initiated the silent treatment with me any time we had an argument... .even something as small as a disagreement about where to eat.  She wouldn't speak to me for six weeks until she eventually responded to my contact.  Haven't heard from her nine months now, since I've been cut off again.  So, there are no absolutes.  They don't always reach out... .sometimes the silence is indefinite.  

[Stripey77]

Huh?

I did state this in my reply, and was pretty careful to outline that I was NOT placing all of our exes in the same bracket; merely giving an insight into my own experience.  The first time it happened I was  beyond devastated, for months and months filled with horrific pain. He was behaving as if he would never speak to me again, and has done on subsequent cycles. Now I know that it is a tool in his arsenal to deflect his own feelings - of guilt, anger, whatever, I don't know... .but although it still hurts, I am pretty sure of the pattern that's going to follow now.

And, as a footnote, there are countless stories on these boards from members who have been cut off/given the ST for a many years, in some cases, only to find themselves suddenly back on the radar. This *could* still happen to you... .there are no absolutes with our exes. They are predictable in their unpredictability.