Husband's swearing at kids

[Smileypants]

My BPD husband has been all over the place lately.  The other night I was nursing the baby upstairs in my office/spare bedroom.  My D10 came upstairs upset and said "dad called us the b-word".  I questioned her to get context and verify that I was thinking of the correct b-word cuz my kids don't repeat curse words.  She verified that it was the b-word that rhymes with witch.  She said that he called my S10, D10 & D5 the b-word.  I could not think of any reason, beyond my children  magically transforming into female dogs, to say that to children.
He also calls our baby psycho, crazy, a demon baby and that there is something wrong with her.  She is a baby (16months).  She acts like a 16 month old.
He yells at my D5.  Pointing his finger right in her face.  He threatens that he's "going to beat the kids arses".  His newest justification is saying "his bark is bigger than his bite".
I do not believe in his way of dealing with kids, nor do I allow him to beat their arses.  Anytime we fight about it, I get to the point where I tell him to leave.  Then he tells me I should leave.  Then I say it is my house.  Then he says he pays for it.  Then he says that I would fall on my face.  Then he threatens to take my daughters (16month & 5).  Then I say no your not, they are scared of you.  Then he usually storms off.  then he comes back, "apologizes", justifies, then either expects me to just go back to normal or finds a way to imply that it is my fault.
I fantasize about being a single mother, I fantasize about being a cat lady.  I fantasize about being able to raise my kids in peace, without his insistence that he knows all about how to raise kids.  He questions everything I do, yet is not involved in doing much of anything.

I am venting a bit, but some encouragement and advice would be greatly appreciated.  Thank you 

[babyoctopus]

Yes I can relate- I dealt with years of it. The last final final final straw was he started verbally and emotionally abusing our kids. Name-calling, provoking, triangulating, and gaslighting. I finally am divorcing him. Even that is like pulling teeth. Once the BPD has their hooks in ya, they don't let go so easily.

I used to fantasize of being free too. I would think: How would this ever be possible? I used to think the ONLY way to be free of him is if he died. I would never hurt him, or anybody, but I admit I daydreamed he died of an illness, or accident. I know its awful but that is how trapped I felt.

Only recently I have realised- I could have asked him to leave or left him anytime during the time we were married (23 years). Yes it would have been "hard" but its hard now.

I did plan and plot this one for 6-7 years. Got a job. Starting really changing my attitude, getting therapy, reading selfhelp books, consulting lawyer and financial planner. That helps to make the first step leaving.

For much of our marriage I would complain to friends, family (big mistake) in an effort to validate I wasn't the crazy one. All that did was alienate both because no one could understand why in hell I was staying! I ended up feeling very alone.

The key for me was being proactive and stop complaining and start doing. I had to- for my kids. I didn't want them to see me as an example, because I was weak and let pwBPD walk all over me. Would I want my son/daughter to remain unhappy in marriage like me? Hells no- that's when I started to realize I just HAD to leave.

Good luck to you. I hope you find peace.

[Smileypants]

Thank you for your response.  I felt like when I was reading your comments, that it is exactly how I feel.
I am working towards a goal.  

I am trying to organize/simplify my house.  

I am trying to get my medical needs taken care of within the year.

I am in therapy.  As is my D15.  I am also going to get my D10 in therapy too.

I have a part time job (that I have been at for 12 years) that I can increase my hours if needed.  I also have two online shops on Etsy.

I am planning on meeting with a lawyer for planning an exit strategy and also my will.

The house, cars and bank accounts are only in my name.

I am planning on transferring the car he drives into his name and cut the loss.  That way I won't have to deal with it later.

I am taking care of my kids medical needs.  S10 & D10 Autism & Anxiety
D15 Depression & Anxiety & Panic Attacks
D10, D5 & D1 Asthma & Allergies
 
I am exhausted.  I am trying to focus on self care and getting in touch with old friends.  It is hard to juggle and hold on to my sanity.

[formflier]

I want to understand your story more before handing out to much detailed advice.

Couple big picture things.


I want to keep YOU from being the one that explains good and bad behavior to your hubby.  A counselor would be much more effective and it puts you in the role of being a "follower of directions" versus "enforcer" or "teacher".

Plus... .once he knows limits from a counselor (that are documented) and if he ignores those (and it's documented) that can clarify things, if clarity is ever needed.

Can you hold off on transferring any assets (in this case the car).   I want to make sure you have though it through and if there is a transfer... .and "deals" should be documented.

Sadly... pwBPD don't remember very well.   

FF

[Smileypants]

 my husband is a high functioning borderline with bi polar (diagnosed when he was a teen) and he is in denial.  his sister told me of his diagnosis, he doesn't know I know. he does not believe in mental disorders and frequently make fun of those with them or seeking treatment for them.  my daughter and I go to therapy on the down low.  he does not know that we go.  he would then use it as a weapon to prove his current belief right.  My daughter has depression, panic attacks, and anxiety.  he calls her a drama queen.  he wouldn't consent to any type of therapy or counseling.

[formflier]

  he wouldn't consent to any type of therapy or counseling.

OK... .this is a subject to talk through very carefully with your counselors... .

But...

My opinion is that if he is not going to participate in "improving communication" then he doesn't get to communicate in a bad way... .and possibly not at all, with the kids.

Essentially a boundary.

Several steps to get there of talks, follow ups and finally (likely) firm boundaries.

Most likely he won't like it and may pressure you to back down.  It is critical to be consistent and firm.

Likely you will need to find motivation to be consistent and firm in the face of his resistance.  My hope is the counselors can explain to you the impact of this NOT changing.

What would happen if you posed this question in a calm time

"Help me understand the benefits of how you choose to communicate with (pick the name of the drama queen) (his words... not mine... )

listen... .don't argue... .ask short questions... .stay away from "why"

Finally

"Can we try to stay away from name calling, such as "drama queen""? "I'm concerned about the pain I see in her when she hears this"

No blame... .just a question.  Can we try this?

What would happen with this?

FF

[Grey Kitty]

She said that he called my S10, D10 & D5 the b-word.

He also calls our baby psycho, crazy, a demon baby and that there is something wrong with her.

He yells at my D5. Pointing his finger right in her face.  He threatens that he's "going to beat the kids arses".

What is the larger pattern of behavior like this?

How long has he been saying and yelling things like this?

Is it getting worse?

Does it come and go, or is it consistent?

If it varies, are the 'bad incidents' getting more or less extreme?

How does his treatment of you compare to his treatment of your children?