Absence of basic politeness inhibits communication. Similar experiences?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Background: About 3 years post divorce, 19 year marriage, diagnosed ex wife has uniquely bad trauma history (violent stranger rape and abandonment by mother for years at age 11), divorce precipitated by my demand that I be treated like someone she wanted in her life rather than barely tolerated, response was essentially "screw it." Two young children, girl 14 and boy 10. I kept house and have the kids 50% of the time. Have been with a good woman for nearly three years, we have a good life and travel frequently. There have been some imperfect moments in the current relationship, but she (girlfriend, not ex wife) and I have very high regard for each other and have always kept our eye on the ball. The relationship has developed into something quite real and happy. My ex wife, as far as I know, has not had even the slightest romantic involvement with another person since the breakup of the marriage, and she has stated that she prefers to be alone (to third parties and once to me).

Question: During marriage, ex never asked me how I was, never initiated even a hug, never reciprocated a "How are you?" with the normal and expected "I'm good. How are you?" Such was her lack of interest and concern that I once thought I could go to the moon and back and she wouldn't ask "How was it?" In my life, I have never met another person who not only volunteers nothing of herself, but so consistently fails to exercise normal reciprocal social behavior. Now, our relationship consists of terse texts in which she barks orders at me, and all attempts to foster a friendly, collegial relationship are completely ignored. I cannot muster the energy to do this anymore and find myself ignoring her (as anyone in his situation might -- who wants to speak to resolutely unfriendly people?).

Has anyone had similar experiences? Is this a common feature of BPD? I was told by a pro that she exhibited "persistent borderline traits" but have no idea what the dx on insurance forms is. Not that it matters.

So... .has anyone else had similar coparenting experiences?

[goateeki]

Background: About 3 years post divorce, 19 year marriage, diagnosed ex wife has uniquely bad trauma history (violent stranger rape and abandonment by mother for years at age 11), divorce precipitated by my demand that I be treated like someone she wanted in her life rather than barely tolerated, response was essentially "screw it." Two young children, girl 14 and boy 10. I kept house and have the kids 50% of the time. Have been with a good woman for nearly three years, we have a good life and travel frequently. There have been some imperfect moments in the current relationship, but she (girlfriend, not ex wife) and I have very high regard for each other and have always kept our eye on the ball. The relationship has developed into something quite real and happy. My ex wife, as far as I know, has not had even the slightest romantic involvement with another person since the breakup of the marriage, and she has stated that she prefers to be alone (to third parties and once to me).

Question: During marriage, ex never asked me how I was, never initiated even a hug, never reciprocated a "How are you?" with the normal and expected "I'm good. How are you?" Such was her lack of interest and concern that I once thought I could go to the moon and back and she wouldn't ask "How was it?" In my life, I have never met another person who not only volunteers nothing of herself, but so consistently fails to exercise normal reciprocal social behavior. Now, our relationship consists of terse texts in which she barks orders at me, and all attempts to foster a friendly, collegial relationship are completely ignored. I cannot muster the energy to do this anymore and find myself ignoring her (as anyone in his situation might -- who wants to speak to resolutely unfriendly people?).

Has anyone had similar experiences? Is this a common feature of BPD? I was told by a pro that she exhibited "persistent borderline traits" but have no idea what the dx on insurance forms is. Not that it matters.

So... .has anyone else had similar coparenting experiences?

[takingandsending]

Hello, goateeki.

Ummm, in a nutshell, yeah. STBxw is much the same. I found a wonderful feature on my iPhone called ":)o Not Disturb" - reserved solely and exclusively for my xw. I read texts when convenient. If they are of the barking orders/complaint/accusation kind, I ignore or delete. We have S9 and S11 together. So I don't cut off all communication, but I am learning not to respond when she jerks the chain.

[AnuDay]

Background: About 3 years post divorce, 19 year marriage, diagnosed ex wife has uniquely bad trauma history (violent stranger rape and abandonment by mother for years at age 11), divorce precipitated by my demand that I be treated like someone she wanted in her life rather than barely tolerated, response was essentially "screw it." Two young children, girl 14 and boy 10. I kept house and have the kids 50% of the time. Have been with a good woman for nearly three years, we have a good life and travel frequently. There have been some imperfect moments in the current relationship, but she (girlfriend, not ex wife) and I have very high regard for each other and have always kept our eye on the ball. The relationship has developed into something quite real and happy. My ex wife, as far as I know, has not had even the slightest romantic involvement with another person since the breakup of the marriage, and she has stated that she prefers to be alone (to third parties and once to me).

Question: During marriage, ex never asked me how I was, never initiated even a hug, never reciprocated a "How are you?" with the normal and expected "I'm good. How are you?" Such was her lack of interest and concern that I once thought I could go to the moon and back and she wouldn't ask "How was it?" In my life, I have never met another person who not only volunteers nothing of herself, but so consistently fails to exercise normal reciprocal social behavior. Now, our relationship consists of terse texts in which she barks orders at me, and all attempts to foster a friendly, collegial relationship are completely ignored. I cannot muster the energy to do this anymore and find myself ignoring her (as anyone in his situation might -- who wants to speak to resolutely unfriendly people?).

Has anyone had similar experiences? Is this a common feature of BPD? I was told by a pro that she exhibited "persistent borderline traits" but have no idea what the dx on insurance forms is. Not that it matters.

So... .has anyone else had similar coparenting experiences?

I know this is an old thread, but for reference purposes my uBPDgf has horrible social skills.  She does not do common courtesies, she does not understand them.  She does not see the significance of them.  She is very self-centered, highly attractive, spoiled and used to having things done her way.  Ive been trying to train her to say good morning and goodbye for about 5 years now.  She said she doesnt like "goodbyes"

[crafty2017]

Absolutely identify with your post.

My ex will routinely fail to acknowledge me at all when he comes to pick our son up on Saturdays. Despite me saying 'Hi Daddy ! Xxxxx look - Daddy's here. You are happy to see Daddy .' etc etc. The ex won't even look in my direction much less grunt.

Please & thankyou don't exist despite consistent effort on my part to model those basic social skills for him.

But perhaps the most difficult one for me personally is that he never, and I mean NEVER addresses me by name or uses my name during general conversation. I can recall maybe 5 times during our 17 yr relationship that he has used my name in my presence .