People say never to break 'no contact', I broke it and am glad that I did.

[Mavrik]

people always advise not to break the no contact rule. I was on week 2 of NC and hadn't been on Facebook as looking back, it's because of my ex being controlling and stalking behaviours ans I couldn't trust what she would post. I went back on it yesterday.

Her page was all about her feeling angry and upset as to losing friends and struggling with what she's going through at present, she has a lot of Facebook friends, yet hardly anyone was commenting on her posts, which didn't surprise me as even for her birthday or Christmas none of her friends came round.  

I posted a nice comment on her Facebook page yesterday and this morning I found she's blocked me, which I am ok with and happy in a way as it says a lot as to this so called 'well be friends forever whatever happens', which she said lots of times.

If she'd blocked me a few weeks ago I'd have been very upset, but as I'm ok with it all now I don't really care, and shows I've moved on

I wish her every success in the future, but I know she will go from one disasterous  relationship to the next to the next. And thighs will collapse around her. But there's little anyone can do as she is a very angry and aggressive person and doesn't listen.

I was in a sort of relationship with a BPD person in the past and it was texting and messaging and she would swing her moods and anger all the time. Today I compared the two and even though my relationship with my ex was more physical, they were almost identical in the interactions.

Like I said her behaviour will continue as she's 43 and has not realised what the issue is with her, and doesn't want to listen, she is desperate to be loved and lies about her age all the time and meets people who want to notch their beds only, she falls for them and after one night they don't want to know, it happens again and again and it reinforces her abandonment issues.

I gave her all she wanted and a lot more but she didn't want this, so it will continue for her as it has done to date. I thought I'd be devastated by her blocking me but I'm glad she has as it's bought closure for me rather than haveing to physically talk to her and do it that way.

I've moved on and this was the last part of the closure for me. If I'm honest she wasn't attractive nor a good lover, so I don't know what attracted me to her in the first place. I know what the the string of men she sleeps with see in her, they see her as an easy catch, and she falls for it that they love her.

It's so sad to see, as I know there is a beautiful, loving, caring person in there somewhere yet she's allowing herself to be used this way. And she can't even see it.

A colleague at work said to me last week 'it's nice to have you back', which spoke volumes in that I was back to how I used to be, this bright, fun loving, full of life individual who everyone likes.

Why did I ever get into this relationship.

I still care about her but know that things will never change for her, ever. She will go from one crisis to the next and will never settle into a relationship.

As much as I love and care about her, it's strange that I also hate her too for putting me through this, dropping me into depression, meds and counselling. Why? Because I loved and cared for someone who can't be loved.

With something like this, at the back of my mind I'll be thinking 'will she get back in contact sometime, a few weeks, months, year?'.

Who thinks she'll be in contact af some point, or am I free from it all?

[balletomane]

You begin by saying that you're glad you broke NC, because your ex's reaction (blocking you) has brought you closure, and that the fact you aren't devastated by what she's done proves that you've moved on. Then you write that you don't know what you ever saw in her, but that you still love her, and that at the back of your mind you're wondering if she'll contact you. You end by asking us if we think she'll be in touch.

Put like that, it doesn't look as if you are over her. And that's absolutely fine - it takes time to recover from any difficult relationship and breakup, regardless of whether mental health problems were involved or not, and of course you can't pick up the pieces of your life and skip merrily off into the sunset in just two short weeks. It's not possible to put your healing on fast forward. But I think it's important to be realistic about where you're at, and not to keep telling yourself that you've "moved on" when you are still thinking about when or whether she will be in touch, and asking other people for their opinions (reassurance?) on whether this will happen.

When my ex broke up with me, after two years of abuse, I was devastated and I reacted very badly to the advice to go no contact. I felt that people were pushing NC on me when it was clear that my situation was different from theirs. My ex and I were going to be friends. I just had to figure out the way to make that happen. Like you, I knew he was a loving, caring person underneath his illness, and I was determined to go on recognising the best of him and to build a friendship on that basis. What I didn't want to see is that a.) my situation was very far from unique, and b.) it takes two to maintain a friendship, and my ex simply wasn't interested in doing so. And that was his right. As painful as it was for me to acknowledge, he didn't owe me his company, and nothing I could do would make him change his mind. NC was necessary to stop the scabs on my wounds from being repeatedly ripped open, and to give me time to rearrange my life independently of him. It hurt and for well over a year I was hoping that he would be in touch one day - in fact, for a while I was sure of it. Two years later, I know he probably never will be, and that doesn't bother me one way or the other. I don't think about it, and this is how I know I'm well on the way to full recovery. Only you have the power to set yourself "free from it all", and nothing your ex does or says can change that.

[Emotions]

Mav... .I am trying to get out of my relationship. I just got physical evidence of my girlfriend of 7.5 years cheating. My buddy gave me this analogy yesterday. Although I am not fully in the clear as we still text maybe 10 times a day. (Drastic cutdown from the hundred we used to do)... .it's like I'm trying to sneak out of the window, and suddenly the door blows open. This is your shot to leave is the easiest way.  I say go for it for yourself, and the rest of us who need the inspiration.

[Mavrik]

I am out of the window down the drain pipe and running into the sunset.

We all deal with break ups differently. I get over things quite fast I guess buf due to this being a BPD ex it's been more difficult, but am now finding myself through it, on meds for depression and starting therapy soon, so it's all helpling.

The thought at the back of my mind is that she said to me not too long ago 'don't you underestimate me as I'm not a woman to mess with trust me', it scares me when she said that, if we were together (were not) then I wouldn't be surprised if I found a bunny rabbit in the kitchen,

It's when I get into a new relationship, wether my ex sticks her oar in then, that's all I need. 

Why on earth did I ever get into this relationship.

[Ahoy]

So NC gets taken as gospel quite a bit around here. I believe that for a vast majority of people, it greatly helps the detaching process.

I could never try and paraphrase Skip, I would do a horrible job, but I've read quite a few posts from him and once removed reminding us all that non-contact is only a TOOL that we have in our armory.

I'm glad you tested the waters and gained wisdom from this, I too have broken NC and gained insight into just how damaged my ex is and how incapable she is of maintaining an adult relationship.

(Obligatory May 4th reference) Yoda might say something along this lines of "learn to use this tool you must, and the benefits you will reap"

[Mavrik]

My fear is her walking out of the darkness in the future.

One of the last things she said to me was 'don't underestimate me, I'm not a woman you can cross, I mean it'. As she thought I'd left her for another woman. Possessive type behaviour.

Either I'll have a bunny rabbit on my stove or she'll be back... .and that will be my niggle at the back of my mind.

[Grey Kitty]

NC is a tool you use to protect yourself when you need it, not a commandment or anything. There are two normal reasons to use it:

1. NC because your ex is crazy-vindictive, and you don't want to expose yourself to whatever she/he might do to you if you were in contact. (Mavrik, you sound concerned that this might happen, even though it hasn't really yet.)

2. NC because you know you are still vulnerable to your ex--if you are in contact, you are at risk of a recycle (or other things) that you really know is a bad idea... .but you are afraid you won't be strong enough to say 'no' / push her away.

If neither of the above applies to you, there's no real reason to avoid all contact.

That said, even if those two don't apply, you should probably aim for low contact just because she's still unhealthy, and will still be difficult/unpleasant/awkward to be around or close to.

[blueblue12]

I have been on NC for a few weeks after been recycled once a few months ago and then getting the detachment vibe again.

BUT after two weeks NC during the night, 4am!, I start getting calls from my ex, and then a text with "can you please call me?", now I am thinking I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to engage, but what do I do, ignore it? don't answer? or should I just make sure she is ok first?

So I write a text asking her if everything is ok to which she replies "no". So then we text and later talk over the phone until 6am! Well she is in a dark place, very sad, it freaked me after all, I care so much about her, although she has treated me badly, I feel for her, for her deamonds which she will never be able to get rid of, it's too sad.

I am glad I answered her plea last night, I felt as if I helped her in a time of need. I know she didn't do that to me in my sad times, which is terrible but I guess I and others here forgive as we know they are ill and we sincerely love them.

[Mavrik]

Your a nice guy Raul you really are

In your case it appears she only contacts you when she wants something. And isn't/wasn't there for you.

My ex was in a dark place and contacted me (after telling me she never wanted to see me or hear from me again), she was in a bad way and asked me to go round around to see her. I told her I would go round but she had to promise not to be nasty to me. She agreed and I went round

After hugging me she cried a lot then turned on me.

I then wrote to her and told he how I felt about her behavioue and thaf she only ever contacts me when she wants something.

I never heard from her again. As each time she contacted me it was picking at my scabs and unfair.

[blueblue12]

Mavrik,
You sound like a nice guy as well. I know we do these things we reach out when they contact us. It's weird but at the same time in my opinion it is the right thing to do. I have read of situations where a person has tried to contact in time of need without getting a response and then ending their lives.

My ex mentioned things like that last night, she was in an extremely dark place, it really freaked me out and I tried to calm her down and succeeded over the course of a few hours over the phone. She thanked me then and she thank me today.

I feel that I have moved on since the recycle. I can't see myself going through another and do not want to see her. I think I will talk to her when she needs me but that's it. I can't see a future with her anymore.

Our relationship was quite good, productive, but she ruined it all. It went into everything that happens, silent mode, complete detachment and then a new relationship for her which didn't last long.

I had no option but to move on. I did get recycled once, it was beautiful again but I felt it was her playing the seducer role, it was anything you want we shall do for a time, but a few days later it started to go down hill fast.

There is no future unless I want to out myself through a bad rocky road with lots of hurtful changes along the way which I really don't need anymore... .it's sad as I wanted to be with her forever... .my life has changed.

[Mavrik]

That's the difference between you and me Raul.

You've been though it and coming out the other end. Whereas I'm not really as far down the road as you are.

You are absolutely right that we need to be there for others. Mine knew this was my weakness and used it to get me to go round then verbally attack me.

It sad thaf thaf go into  dark place and talk about ending it, but I now think it's their decision and they need to seek professional help and not burden us with such guilt trips that mine would use to charm me back in as then do

[Rayban]

@Raul

How long will you be there for her? I understand she's human and needs help. Just don't let it turn into her needing soothing and validation ... .and you giving up a few hours of your life on more then one occasion and soon she makes it a habit.  You're given the role of being there to sooth her, while she's out having sex with other people.  Take care of yourself first and foremost. 

[Mavrik]

To add to ray bans comment
 

For her to sleep around and then reach out to you when it goes wrong.

Your not her counsellor and she needs help with this. Imagine if you got it wrong and she did go through with it, how would thaf affect you

[blueblue12]

Hey Rayban,
I understand your comments and frankly yes I am worried about those issues, a few days ago I did help her, I don't want it to become a habit though and I understand how it could become the habit. I must say I feel adamant in that I do not want to meet her anymore, I can text and talk but not in person, as much as I am feeling like I can let go now due to her brutal and uncaring ending wth me, I know well what a seducer she can be if I saw her in person. I don't really want to be back to that. So I am trying to be strong and move on. There is life out there... .

And Mavrik I know what you mean as well, I don't want to play the T role, I am not, I have advised her to seek a T to help her. I can't do that... .

[AustenJ]

I broke no contact and it was a mistake. I work with my diagnosed xBPDgf on a small staff, so I strive for NC, but it's difficult due to staff meetings, and a small building... .so I may have to accept LC. I don't even want to see her; she puts on a beautiful, friendly, charming mask at work. There are 3 weeks of school left and then 3 months of summer break, so I'm hoping that helps with the NC.

She wants to remain work friends while she is having sexual relations with others. She was a horrible girlfriend, so I don't know what would make her a great friend. She just spent a long weekend with my replacement at her brother's wedding; the wedding I was supposed to go to with her and meet her family for the first time... .but according to her, I was too old and would be an embarrassment to her family, even though she loved me. Ouch!

So 5 days without a single text to me, her BFF. Hmmmmm this feels all too familiar. Going to attempt NC until the end of the school year and then over the summer. Behaviors of pwBPD do not change. Ever. Being a friend just means I'm plan B when her current relationship implodes.

[Rayban]

All BPD relationships or people suffering with BPD are different, my experience is that the offering of friendship AFTER a break-up with a BPD is just prolonging attachment. In my case, it was I don't want you anymore cause I have other options, but I still want you to stay attached. I was expected to take a back round role of staying on the side, till I was called upon to meet whatever need she had when she called on me.

My ex was adminant. She did not want to know post break up, if I was seeing someone else. Her on the other hand, was allowed to continue dating others having me accept the role of white Knight for life.

No thanks.  I'm not enabling her.  I don't want to sit around listening to her woes when no one else will. She screwed things up, it's on her to get the appropriate help. Otherwise keeping contact just keeps MY life on pause, while she keeps on repeating the same mistakes over and over again with different people.

[Mavrik]

And implode it will,I met my now ex BPD girlfriend at work and wen it ended we continued to work together and man was it awkward. As from being her BFF whatever happened and whoever we ended up with (her words), I was now the devil incarnate and she would remind me of that.

And the image she portrayed to others at Work was thaf she was so popular, focussed and on the ball. And EVERYONE fell for it

Wow they ars manipulative aren't they

[Doughboy]

From what everyone here says, and everyone I have talked to about my situation including my Counselor, she WILL contact you.

My Counselor forced me to learn about BPD, BPD relationships and the struggles, to create a "action plan/script" on what I will do when the contact eventually comes, and what I will demand if the concept of reengaging in the relationship is something I foolishly choose to do.  She has not been formally diagnosed with the the disorder or any tendencies. I think she is High functioning waif BPD and so does my Counselor.

I do not see her EVERY contacting me based on what was texted at the very end but who knows. 

Focus on you.  I have my knowledge, my "plan", and I am down 16lbs since the stress of the relationship has ended and my codependent ways have gone away.  Feels good to focus on me.  Keeps my mind distracted a little bit.  Give it a try.

[Mavrik]

Don't count on no contact due to the last text she sent you Ox.

Nothing can be as bad as the messages she left kid with and 2 weeks later she wanted me to go round to hers

So be prepared

[Doughboy]

Oh, I am prepared, .  Just need to stick with it.  I was told to keep my file handy and read a few parts of it before I even considered responding.

TBH though.  Her Mother twisted some stuff up and told the Ex that I thought she could not exist without me and that she (Mother) was concerned for her and her kids safety.  also that I was obsessive.

I have it in my mind, IF i get some kind of contact, to go straight to her Mother and ask her how she would like me to respond. Since the Ex and Mother feel I am obsessed, etc. I would be curious to see the Mothers reaction to knowing her daughter reached out to me first!  After asking her how I would respond I would most likely ask her if she was now willing to admit her daughter had some issues and did she want to get real about getting her daughter some true help... .not the faith based Christian once a month talk session about sin and depression she has been doing for 2 years that has gotten her nowhere.

I HATE when the family enables/ignores the lifetime of issues.  Yes, the ex is high functioning but there are more than enough things that have happened over the last 30ish years... .

[RomanticFool]

As far as NC goes I'd add a third reason to Grey Kitty's summing up. In my case my exBPD uses it as a power game. She will leave one message and then watch me unravel. Tantamount to lighting a firework and standing back and watching it go off. I am a tempestuous sort of fellow myself and I am not the typical type of BPD caregiver that I have read about on here as I fought my exBPD all the way. However, I have empathy and she does not, therefore she will always crush me. Any power game I try to play with her, I will lose because I care and she doesn't. That's why I have to have NC; to stop the fireworks inside of me going off and to prevent her from having power over me.