A Final Letter to My BPD EX - Should I send it?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

This is my first post to this forum, although I have been a member and reading posts since the break up 7 months ago. Although things have slightly improved for me, It is obvious I am still devastated and strongly feel the emptiness left from my ex.

Like a classic BPD she was previously married and started dating me a few weeks after her husband left her. We dated for a year before I was devalued and discarded and she started dating someone else who I know within a matter of hours (not a friend). Although she hurt me terribly, I still feel like it's not really her fault because of her disorder and that I love her and miss her so much. Even though she ended it, she kept calling me and abusing me to tell me how terrible I was and how I deserve everything she put me through. Now that I fully understand BPD and what she is going through, I feel like I am lacking closure and just want to reach out one more time to tell her how I really feel and to hint at obvious things in her behavior without any mention of a disorder or BPD, that I am hoping will make her realize that something is seriously wrong in the hope that she might one day regret everything and want to get help.

Below is the letter that I wrote in a matter of 4 months of edits and changes to help clear my mind. I want to send it so bad but I am afraid. I am afraid that 1) she will react in a horrible way and come track me down to ruin my life and rip my scabs from my wounds. 2) that she has completely moved on, won't care and will find it silly and laughable after all this time. What I really want is for her to apologize, take responsibility, acknowledge that I meant something to her and try to get help. I know everyone and everything is telling me to just let go but I just need to send this to her along with a bunch of pictures of us that she has never seen.

" Lucy,

I’m reaching out to you with nothing but good intentions and affection. I wanted to take this opportunity to express some final thoughts and let go of the remaining possessions and memories I have of you. It’s crazy to think it’s been 6 months since the last time I saw you. We meant the world to each other and are now complete strangers. I have come to accept that you are now just a distant memory that has left a deep void in my heart. I knew I was playing with fire when we first got together, but I ignored all the red flags in the hope of finding true love. I trusted a girl with a broken heart and a scathing fear of abandonment. Like a hit and run accident, you drove right in to me at full speed and left me there to suffer, while you drove away with someone new and never looked back. That girl I once knew and fell in love with, my best friend, brutally abandoned me and left me for another in a blink of an eye. - That girl doesn’t exist anymore. I miss her terribly.

Your last words to me expressed how I’m irrelevant to you, how you are ashamed of me, how you don’t like me, how you don’t love me. I know I had my own flaws and shortcomings and I take full responsibility for them, but I loved you so much, I trusted you, I was loyal and always by your side to support you through your darkest moments. You may have had your reasons but I don’t know if you will ever take responsibility or admit to yourself how you went about the breakup with such indifference, ruthlessness and complete lack of empathy for the irreversible destruction and trauma it may have caused. Nor does it seem like you care. I hope you have found peace and happiness now that I am no longer in your life.

I’ve tried really hard to put the pieces back together and make sense of everything. I was madly in love with you, and for some reason I was either blinded or chose to overlook the realities. Looking back, I think it’s obvious there are factors that are beyond your control from which your behavior stems from. Everything from your anxiety, depression, emptiness, impulses, mood swings, and suicidal ideation were on constant display throughout our relationship. Your impulsive, irrational and reckless actions after such a close and intense relationship together are evidence of a deeper issue. One that has haunted you throughout your past, and left you with the ability to devalue and detach yourself from those you love the most. Your deepest emotions can change like the wind on an autumn day. Your history of intense and unstable relationships are cause of a childhood filled with confusing messages, neglect and abuse, which left you doubting your identity, lovability and true worth from infancy onward. I know because you told me this. Weather it's subconscious or not, your fear of abandonment is so deep that you struggle with your emotions and life. I won't ever blame you for that, as I now understand the cause of your anguish.

I thought you were the love of my life. Instead, I was nothing more than an illusion. A rebound from your marriage, used to fill the void your husband left, and ultimately devalued, discarded and forgotten. Sometimes I wish I could see your face just one more time, but you’ve continued to abuse me and given me no choice but to cut all contact with to protect myself. People come and go but there are only a few who love us unconditionally throughout our lifetime. Don’t ever take it for granted. Even after all of the betrayal, abandonment and emotional abuse after the breakup, I will always want the best for you. I will always want to protect you. I will always want to take care of you. Although you broke my heart on so many levels, I will never deny what you meant to me. You changed my life, for better and for worse. At the end of the day, I just want you to be happy.

I love you Lucy, more than you will ever know. I love you, always and forever."


My questions are:

 1)What do you think of the letter on first impression if you were her?
 2)Should I send it or not?

[inter]

Hello,

This is my first post to this forum, although I have been a member and reading posts since the break up 7 months ago. Although things have slightly improved for me, It is obvious I am still devastated and strongly feel the emptiness left from my ex.

Like a classic BPD she was previously married and started dating me a few weeks after her husband left her. We dated for a year before I was devalued and discarded and she started dating someone else who I know within a matter of hours (not a friend). Although she hurt me terribly, I still feel like it's not really her fault because of her disorder and that I love her and miss her so much. Even though she ended it, she kept calling me and abusing me to tell me how terrible I was and how I deserve everything she put me through. Now that I fully understand BPD and what she is going through, I feel like I am lacking closure and just want to reach out one more time to tell her how I really feel and to hint at obvious things in her behavior without any mention of a disorder or BPD, that I am hoping will make her realize that something is seriously wrong in the hope that she might one day regret everything and want to get help.

Below is the letter that I wrote in a matter of 4 months of edits and changes to help clear my mind. I want to send it so bad but I am afraid. I am afraid that 1) she will react in a horrible way and come track me down to ruin my life and rip my scabs from my wounds. 2) that she has completely moved on, won't care and will find it silly and laughable after all this time. What I really want is for her to apologize, take responsibility, acknowledge that I meant something to her and try to get help. I know everyone and everything is telling me to just let go but I just need to send this to her along with a bunch of pictures of us that she has never seen.

" Lucy,

I’m reaching out to you with nothing but good intentions and affection. I wanted to take this opportunity to express some final thoughts and let go of the remaining possessions and memories I have of you. It’s crazy to think it’s been 6 months since the last time I saw you. We meant the world to each other and are now complete strangers. I have come to accept that you are now just a distant memory that has left a deep void in my heart. I knew I was playing with fire when we first got together, but I ignored all the red flags in the hope of finding true love. I trusted a girl with a broken heart and a scathing fear of abandonment. Like a hit and run accident, you drove right in to me at full speed and left me there to suffer, while you drove away with someone new and never looked back. That girl I once knew and fell in love with, my best friend, brutally abandoned me and left me for another in a blink of an eye. - That girl doesn’t exist anymore. I miss her terribly.

Your last words to me expressed how I’m irrelevant to you, how you are ashamed of me, how you don’t like me, how you don’t love me. I know I had my own flaws and shortcomings and I take full responsibility for them, but I loved you so much, I trusted you, I was loyal and always by your side to support you through your darkest moments. You may have had your reasons but I don’t know if you will ever take responsibility or admit to yourself how you went about the breakup with such indifference, ruthlessness and complete lack of empathy for the irreversible destruction and trauma it may have caused. Nor does it seem like you care. I hope you have found peace and happiness now that I am no longer in your life.

I’ve tried really hard to put the pieces back together and make sense of everything. I was madly in love with you, and for some reason I was either blinded or chose to overlook the realities. Looking back, I think it’s obvious there are factors that are beyond your control from which your behavior stems from. Everything from your anxiety, depression, emptiness, impulses, mood swings, and suicidal ideation were on constant display throughout our relationship. Your impulsive, irrational and reckless actions after such a close and intense relationship together are evidence of a deeper issue. One that has haunted you throughout your past, and left you with the ability to devalue and detach yourself from those you love the most. Your deepest emotions can change like the wind on an autumn day. Your history of intense and unstable relationships are cause of a childhood filled with confusing messages, neglect and abuse, which left you doubting your identity, lovability and true worth from infancy onward. I know because you told me this. Weather it's subconscious or not, your fear of abandonment is so deep that you struggle with your emotions and life. I won't ever blame you for that, as I now understand the cause of your anguish.

I thought you were the love of my life. Instead, I was nothing more than an illusion. A rebound from your marriage, used to fill the void your husband left, and ultimately devalued, discarded and forgotten. Sometimes I wish I could see your face just one more time, but you’ve continued to abuse me and given me no choice but to cut all contact with to protect myself. People come and go but there are only a few who love us unconditionally throughout our lifetime. Don’t ever take it for granted. Even after all of the betrayal, abandonment and emotional abuse after the breakup, I will always want the best for you. I will always want to protect you. I will always want to take care of you. Although you broke my heart on so many levels, I will never deny what you meant to me. You changed my life, for better and for worse. At the end of the day, I just want you to be happy.

I love you Lucy, more than you will ever know. I love you, always and forever."


My questions are:

 1)What do you think of the letter on first impression if you were her?
 2)Should I send it or not?

[Insom]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

If you care at all about her reaction, and it sounds like you may, then don't send.  If you do send then you are opening yourself to brand new wounds if she doesn't react in a way that pleases you.  And the hopes you've outlined (highlighted below) sound like they'd be very, extremely difficult for a BPD person to meet. 

What I really want is for her to apologize, take responsibility, acknowledge that I meant something to her and try to get help.

[roberto516]

If you want her to apologize and take responsibility it probably won't happen. After my second discard I told her I would like an apology for bringing me back in (I allowed it though amd told her that bevause I didn't want her to have full responsibility). Her response? "I'm sorry". If I pressed further she wouldn't have been able to tell me why she was sorry.

How do you feel just writing it here? I heard that writing what we want to say to them but not sending it is very therapeutic. I haven't tried it yet. But I understand exactly where you're at. I do want acknowledgment that I meant something. Just like you. But we can tell ourselves that we mean something.

[StayStrongNow]

Perhaps you are grieving your lost r/s and feel this may be a form of closure? I agree with my fellow non's in that prolonging any sort of r/s will bring more of the same. I don't mean to be cruel, but it is over and they won't come back. You will never get "over" the grief, it will remain in memory for it is now a part of your life. But you will "get through" the grieving process, you will get stronger and someday you will find someone more worthy of your love.

[inter]

Thanks for the replies. I was really hoping someone could tell me something different. I guess what I really want is for her to understand that it was her and not me!

Does anyone have any insight on the letter it self? is it any good? does it strike a cord?

I'm hoping that if she reads it she may think of me again and maybe admit that she too loves and misses me.

[doy]

Hi inter,

pfff first of all a big hug. it really sounds tough... .and i get that you are still struggling with closure.
when i read what she said to you, it is not a normal break up  or a partner falling in love with someone else.
it is heavily abusive what she did to you. i hope there will come a moment when you see that.
good that you wrote that letter... but where is your anger? she really treated you so , so awful! ( ai am saying this for your mental health , not to evoke anger but i think you are skipping something)
i wouldn't send it, in now way. it will open a pathway to communicate and whatever she will reply ( even no reply) will turn you upside down again.

the contents to me i just feel your pain and i do not, in any way think she deserves that. you almost still seem to want to prove your love for her ... to me that is a typical trap to fall for with somebody with a PD. she is in a terrible place what makes her behave like this , and no love from you can change that.

do not worry about the new guy she left you for... .  regardless of the intensity of the love a person feels towards a partner, they will always be themselves,  with the same respect ( or disrespect)  ... also in,  during and after a breakup. she is like this , and with any minor happening she will do the same.

closure with a person with a personality disorder is the hardest thing but the biggest lesson you will ever learn about yourself.
if you still feel the urge to send it, please wait at least two weeks and review it again.
and meanwhile just keep posting. we are all here.

[justsomeone87]

Hi inter,

You are not going to get the response you hope for. In fact you are likely still painted black and in all likelihood she will not bother to read the letter. If she does, she will take it as nothing more than a boost to her ego. If you weren't painted black, she'd be the one writing letters to you

She absolutely will never take responsibility for hurting you. She is incapable of doing so, and probably even views herself as the victim not you. To take responsibility would lead to feelings of shame, something pwBPD try to avoid at all costs. pwBPD do not feel guilt or remorse, they only feel regret and shame. Shame is why she would call you and tell you that you were the terrible person, if she felt guilt she would call you an apologize and ask if there is any way to make it up to you.

The only exception to this is if her current relationship dies and she wants to recycle the relationship with you. She will paint you white and say anything to try to win you back, but even if this happens it is not sincere - she just would be desperately trying to avoid being alone, something pwBPD can not tolerate.

I know what you mean in separating the disease from the person, as I used to do the same thing. "She isn't a bad person, the disease she has just makes her do bad things, and if the disease is treated then I will be left with a good person!". The truth is, she is her disease. There is no separating the two. That is why it is a called a personality disorder - the disorder resides within her personality itself. There is no cure to BPD either. There are treatments, but the pwBPD has to decide that they must change for their own good, and not because it was a condition their partner made.

As for the letter itself, pwBPD hate when people recognize the bad things they've done, because it causes shame. It would just be another black mark against you. Not that it matters since you are already painted black anyway.

[KtotheK]

Agee with posts on here. Sending the letter will only open up wounds that are still taking time to heal and rightly so. I sent messages when we were broken up before I realised possible BPD and I never got the response I was hoping for. It made me feel terrible. They are not capable of empathy and cannot deal with the fact they have hurt someone. I was replaced immediately and when I reached out (not knowing I had been replaced) I was met with 'what's up' I had been torn apart and was distraught and my ex partner had literally walked out one day, blamed me for everything in the r/s and never looked back! I sent the message about 4 weeks later ... .I never reached out again ( I now realise I'd been recycled another time before this time)  ... .9 months later i got a recycle text! The letter comes from a caring and loving person ... .you deserve better ... I worry that you will hurt so much more by sending it. I write into my notes in my phone and I find it helps loads. be kind to yourself you are certainly not alone

[Aesir]

It's a beautiful letter and I can relate to a lot of it but I agree with the other posters. I wouldn't send it, you would be opening yourself up to more emotional damage. They don't seem to take responsibility and you are still a villain.  I may write one also (never to be sent) it might be helpful.

[Rayban]

Hi Inter,

Welcome to the boards. Detaching from these relationships is one of the hardest things a person can go through.  Don't complicate your life further.
You miss her and love the version of her who idolized you. You also forget some of the awful things she said about you.

The letter I's basically saying; You abused me, I deserved it, now I'm back for more. To her the letter is more proof that she is right and all the men in her past were wrong.

Don't give her more power. 

[once removed]

hi inter and

I guess what I really want is for her to understand that it was her and not me!

i can certainly relate to that. even after many months post breakup, i had fantasies of telling my ex off and "exposing" her to herself. i put a lot of it in writing and it really helped.

i think you should examine your letter as if it was sent to you. would you conclude the letter was sent with good intentions and affection or because the person writing it wanted you to see that it was you and not them?

i think that when a relationship ends, so does the power struggle - who is right, who is wrong, who abused who, who contributed what... .the finger pointing. and when that happens it does become about us - about our wounds that we seek to detach from.

has writing this letter helped you to process some of your feelings?

[Skip]

Human nature being what it is, would a letter like this elicit a validating response with any ex-partner (forget about BPD) after a break-up?

The answer is "very unlikely". The message is that you were a very good partner who loved her like few are ever loved, she was a complete, over-the-top jerk, and you are still there for her ... .it might be true, but... .

1. If an ex thinks that you both contributed to the relationship downfall, you will be seen as a blamer.

If an ex blames you for the downfall, you will be seen as delusional.

If an ex feels guilt for how they treated you, they will let matters rest rather than open the door to be told what a jerk they are and increase the guilt they feel.

Additionally, closing with "I always will love you" makes this a hard letter to be validating towards because the other person might think a response is opening the door to a recycle, which, depending on the items above, would either be

a) unfair to you or
b) "the wrong time/place" for them.

Now, add back the "BPDfactor" of high rejection sensitivity and inherent guilt and it gets even more complicated.

... .just want to reach out one more time to tell her how I really feel and to hint at obvious things in her behavior without any mention of a disorder or BPD, that I am hoping will make her realize that something is seriously wrong in the hope that she might one day regret everything and want to get help.

I don't think a letter - any words on paper from you (past lover) - can accomplish this goal. I dated a divorcee some years ago after her "obligatory" rebound relationship (they are extremely common) and she had a lot of guilt and found it hard to break away from someone who really adored her - but she felt she needed to be true to herself and not lock on to the first man who basked her in love and respect after years of a broken loveless disrespectful marriage.

Rebound relationship are killers to the non-rebounder - while it all seems so clear and real at the time, we come to learn that we never really knew what it is all about at all (the divorcee was healing). It sometimes takes years to comprehend this oddity of human nature.

It hurt likes hell to love and heal someone only to have them take their new found strength and move on without you.

[Mavrik]

Great letter but I wouldn't send it, as she'll use it to hit you over the head with it.

She will NEVER accept she did wrong, I spoke to my BPD ex about all she did wrong and how she hurt me, I verbally told her and gave her concrete examples and looked for an apology, her reply 'you can f@& off if you are expecting an apology'.

They cant apologise, she won't apologise. Save yourself the pain and don't send it

[SummerStorm]

I'm writing from the perspective of someone who has actually managed to maintain a friendship with a pwBPD, with the added "bonus" of also having had a very brief romantic relationship with her. 

No matter what---and I really do mean no matter what---it is incredibly unlikely that she will ever apologize to you, and it is even more unlikely that she will process your letter in any sort of positive way. 

My BPD friend tries to improve herself and be a better person.  But that doesn't mean that she will ever acknowledge all of the times she's hurt me, and it definitely doesn't mean that she will ever apologize.  I only ever got two genuine apologies from her---one just before she was rushed to the ER after a suicide attempt and one when I visited her in the psych ward---and even then, she didn't really apologize for specific actions.  Last summer, I texted her and said, "All I ever wanted was an apology."  Silence.  The other day, I told her that no one deserves to be called the names that she's called me over the years.  Silence.  Two years ago, I tried to get her to talk to me about something really hurtful that she had done, and she refused. 

In the best of times, she will at least make an effort to be nicer to me for a while.  In the worst of times, she will attempt to justify her negative actions by blaming them on something I did to deserve them.  And remember, this is how she interacts with someone (me) who is painted white 90% of the time.  If you are painted black, her response likely end up being the exact opposite of what you're looking for.

[Hopefulgirl]

I agree with what everyone on this board have written.  I think we can all relate.  We want to be able to say to these disordered people "You put a hole in my heart and I didn't deserve that and Im not going to lose this pain unless you make up for it somehow".  We want them to be accountable for their actions.  But part of the disorder is that their inner self can't take the guilt. There is no way to force this.
The new person in her life will discover all this soon enough.

After reading posts like yours on this website for months one thing is clear- the people who end up sending letters like yours to the BPD in their life only do so when they have come to the point of no return in the relationship. When they know in their heart that the repercussions of sending the letter didn't matter.  Because they know the repercussions will most likely be the person will cut them off completely, never see them again, and their heart is completely at peace with that.

If you get to that point, there is no harm in sending the letter, in my opinion.  But I can see from the way you write you are still deeply attached, she is still in your heart. After all you've been through, me and a lot of other people on this board can relate to the love and longing you still have for someone who does'nt deserve it.

[molitor]

I literally just sent my exBPD a letter today actually. I waited (2) years of no contact, however. I have drafted many drafts over the last few years, and spent time today weeding the raw emotion out of the earlier drafts. As mentioned from other members here, it is best to wait. I am at a place of peace where her response wont hurt me. The letter was more for me, giving myself closure. I have done untold amounts of research, therapy, journaling, and introspection to see her as a damaged little girl. I still wanted to let her know what transpired between us was real to me, and I will always love her. I made it clear I had moved on and did not care for any reply. Again, it was the last string for me, and I feel liberated. My honest opinion though, wait. I was still very susceptible to hurt from her via negative response at (7) months... .it will only set you back. ":)o you" for a while, write your thoughts down, make drafts, post for this community to read. When you are truly healed and strong enough, you will know. Best of luck on your journey friend.

[The Teacher]

Hi. I hope it was therapeutic for you to write the letter. You certainly worked hard and long on it. But I wouldn't recommend sending it. File it away and continue to focus on YOU, not her.

The issues you raise in the letter are real, painful, and true from your perspective. I feel for you. I have been there. It's hard. I don't know when or if I will ever be fully open and intimate with a woman after what I have gone through with my breakup (divorce) from my BPD wife. I am focused on me, my healing, and not on her at all. My therapist told me very early on in therapy last year "You cannot fix her." It was the best advice I received. Your letter will not accomplish much that will be positive. I'm sorry. She will never share your perspective. If she were capable, she wouldn't have treated you the way she did.

All the best,

The Teacher

[In a bad way]

Hi Inter,
I wrote mine a letter very similar to yours, I spent 4 months writing it and editing it.
I apologised for the hurtful things I said at the end when she had driven me to lose the plot and I mentioned her instant personality change and other things she did to hurt me when all I ever did was love her despite the hurt.
My letter was six pages long and I also returned her key with it, I explained how I was still hurting and how I would always love her. I told her how much weight I had lost and everything I could think of saying.
I got no reply.
One can only assume she doesn't give a s*** or she would have replied.
I didn't even get a text saying thanks for the key.
The letter was delivered and signed for but it wasn't her signature, it is possible she didn't get it but also maybe it wasn't given to her.
The probability is she got it but either didn't read it or just doesn't care, which after all we went through really adds to the pain.

I'm glad I sent it but at the same time sorry I did because I can't send one now if that makes any sense?
Anyway it's up to you if you send it but if she cared she would have contacted you especially if she knew how much you were hurting.
It's hard to accept that that person has gone, the one that promised the world and her undying love.

They know where we are but as people say maybe they are too ashamed to contact us and for them it's easier to blank it out and move on. Or maybe they really are that cold they just don't care.

[inter]

Thank you to everyone for the support and kind words. Wow, it really does help clear my thoughts and mind reading what you all have to say. It makes me question how I've been in a constant mind ___ by myself this whole time.

After reading everyone's responses, I think it is clear that I should not send the letter. Although it is extremely disappointing for how hard and how much time I spent working on it, it is in my best interest to protect myself and not say anything that may give her more power or reason to hurt me even more then she already has.

My final question is: Along with the letter, I meant to send back all remaining possessions and photographs that I have of her including some pictures which she has never seen and has asked for back. Would it be equally as bad to just send the possessions with no letter or message?

I want to do this for 2 reasons. 1) to get rid of all memories I have of her. 2) Hoping that she will realize I have moved on (I have not) and feel a sense of nostalgia and remorse even for just a second. I want her to hurt from seeing some truly beautiful photographs of all the special times we had together.

what I am vulnerable to if I send it? is it risky? What will her internal reaction be to seeing that stuff?

[In a bad way]

Nobody can say do or don't post it, you have to do what you want/need to do.
 Her reaction unless she replies will forever be unknown to you.

Did mine read it or throw it in the bin?
Is it in a drawer to be read one day in the future?
Who knows.
It's really really sad.

[once removed]

I want to do this for 2 reasons. 1) to get rid of all memories I have of her. 2) Hoping that she will realize I have moved on (I have not) and feel a sense of nostalgia and remorse even for just a second. I want her to hurt from seeing some truly beautiful photographs of all the special times we had together.

if you want to get rid of physical memories of her, box them up and put them away, or toss them in the dumpster.

sending them back to her with the intent to send that message is really the same as sending the letter and would not be the most mature action to take, and it will look petty as opposed to sending the message that you have moved on.

i understand the overwhelming urge to reach out and make her feel something. id bet money that not only will that feeling pass (eventually), but youll be proud for being strong in the face of the pain, even long after youve recovered.

[Skip]

My final question is... .

Hang around. Don't go yet. There is a lot of work to do.

Along with the letter, I meant to send back all remaining possessions and photographs that I have of her including some pictures which she has never seen and has asked for back. Would it be equally as bad to just send the possessions with no letter or message?

She requested that her stuff be returned? How long ago? What did she request?

Send her what she asked for... .

You can use a goofy card... .it allows you to write less.

     Hey, I know you wanted some of these things back. I apologize for not shipping them earlier. Hope all is well, inter

[Jobloggs]

Hi,

As someone who has recently done something similar, my advise is dont do it.

As well written as the letter is, it will not achieve what you hope.

Mine resulted in a barrage of abuse and has set me back many months. I was with my ex for 16 years since we were in our teens. She's only recently been diagnosed. So I thought with a diagnosis she may be more open to accepting her part in everything. I was wrong.

What I've read and experienced, nc is the only way.

We've loves each other since we were teens, and the abuse and hatred towards me, who was the dumped one has been so hard to understand.

But I've learnt I never will. I just have to accept it. I'm worried about her she's in self destruct mode and I can see the damage she's doing (currently trying to sell a jointly owned property) bit I cant help/stop her. Only she can hopefully one day

[Rayban]

My belief,  is that once you truly see behind the mask,  the game is over. The options are leaving them, or wait patiently till they leave.

Any mention of spending time with a new or rekindled love interest is just the set up of excruciating pain when you figure out that they've moved on to someone else.

One more red flag to be aware of and that is any offer of an open friendship.  For the BPD this is just they're way of saying that they've  conquered us, want us as an option to call upon when they paint the next black.


My answer is just stay away.  When you get that inkling that something as shifted with them, then it's time to move on.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Inter-
This is my first time on here, my first online posting of any type anywhere, and the 5th day of realizing that for the past 3.5+years I was in a relationship with a man with BPD.  I am no child.  I was in a 19-year marriage, and it took me 2.5 years before I was brave enough to date.  Should have delayed THAT choice!

So here we go... .I managed to set myself free almost a month ago.  He began another of his rages.  Unprovoked.  Except this time, I walked onto the patio, slid the door closed and for some reason, decided NOT to listen to more screaming insults and name-calling.  I decided to let him go.  And it would be the last time.  I said nothing as he raged through my home collecting his things.  I did walk in and quietly ask for my house key and garage door opener, which he threw at me.  Keep in mind that I had asked him to move out during a huge rage over a year ago - so he was just here for the weekend.  Following each of his rages.  Or lying episodes. Or when he stole from me... .I began to write to myself.  I wrote what he did, how I felt about me, how I felt about him.  And then he'd apologize, beg forgiveness.  And I'd write more to myself.  Love letters about him to myself.  So I had all the good and the bad in writing.  I went back and read EVERYTHING.  EVERYTHING.  WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME? After being thrown across the room by my husband... .I stayed in this?  I was /am alarmed by my own behavior.  My willingness to be punished.

Inter... .please DON'T send your beautiful letter.  These people are NOT interested in how you've been hurt.  For some reason, they are untouchable, unreachable.  As others have said, you unfortunately will never obtain a grain of remorse from that woman unless she wants something from you - and she will bleed your soul dry.  Don't allow that.  Write to yourself.  Pour out all the words and feelings.  Share them here if you need to share them.  But my experience tells me that you cannot look to Lucy to help you heal - she will deepen your wounds... .don't give her that power over you.  She doesn't deserve that or you.  If it took you four months to compose a letter, there is clearly something about her that you are VERY uncomfortable with - it means you KNOW you should not do it.  Listen to yourself.

I am not heartless.  Far from it.  I turned myself inside out trying to help my lover with his rage, his ridiculous lies and other odd behaviors,  But it didn't matter.  He just would not be reflective and look at himself.  So instead, I cowered, took anxiety medication, I isolated myself, ashamed of what I was enduring.  No more.  It's time for you to turn the page.  Cry your tears and make up your mind.  You are stronger than you think.

sorry to ramble.  All my best to you.