My mother.

[HW8]

I just recently started a book talking about people with borderline personality disorder and my mother fits basically all of the categories.
I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I am 19 and in college. I was forced to stay home for my first year by my mother. She has become increasingly difficult. Yelling, screaming, constantly criticizing. My house has become an extremely toxic environment for everyone. I just recently began "fighting back" which has not helped at all. I am so emotionally beaten down at this point. My father allows the behavior and takes her side a lot of the time because he doesn't want to fight. Everyone in my family is constantly walking on egg shells as to not provoke her. If anything happens it some how spins into everyone hating and not loving her. I have a 15 year old sister and an 8 year old brother.  None of us are really allowed to do anything unless it's what she wants. I'm very rarely allowed to see my boyfriend without a screaming terrible fight. There was once a time, recently, that I had asked to go to a painting class with him but because it was more than 15 minutes away she became hostile and ended up throwing a brush at my face leaving a large bruise. She later lied to my dad and siblings that I did it myself and I was lying. Things like this happen often, when she makes things up or accuses us of lying. Because my dad always takes her side it makes me feel very alone and helpless. She is consumed with my younger brothers acting (movies, tv shows, and commercials). She has been to Africa, Norway, and lived in California for 4 months in the last year and a half trying to pursue what she calls "his dreams" (he's 8... .). When she is gone I feel at peace, relaxed, and overall happy. But the second she comes home everyone in the house becomes irritable and unhappy. Her mood dictates how we all feel.

This is really only a small piece of the issues. My mother is controlling, manipulative, and abusive (mostly verbally). I decided to join this because of a rage she had just a few minutes ago because my sister asked to go out with her friends. Claiming how we all hate her and that she's an outsider to this family. Always the victim.  Nothing warranted it. I don't know what to do anymore and I don't have anyone to talk to. My father doesn't see a problem and my sister doesn't understand. I'm at the end of my rope.

[Turkish]

A lot of members here deal,  or have dealt with, other parents who enable the disordered parent's behaviors. It must make you feel so alone and isolated.

If she battered you enough to leave a bruise, that's domestic violence.  Can you imagine if your boyfriend did that? How would you react,  and what would you do? Given a romantic r/so that would be hard enough,  but this is your mother.  No matter,  it's still abuse. Given also your siblings, this is more complicated. 

Do you have anyone trusted you can talk to about this?

[HW8]

My siblings don't receive the same treatment as I do. They get screamed at and criticized some times but it's never as bad as I have it. I think a lot of it has to do with me being the oldest and she doesn't know how to let go and allow me to grow up.
I talk to my current boyfriend about most of this. He is very supportive but of course he can't really help. He is the one that got me to read "stop walking on eggshells".
The brush was the first and only time she has physically hurt me, but that was really my wake up call. When she was lying about what happened, it showed me that there had to have been something wrong.

[Turkish]

It's interesting that he knew about that book. How did he know to recommend it? Do you find it helpful?  If you look at the top of the board at the pinned topics, we have a lot of material which can also help. Given her violent tendencies, do you have a safety plan?

[HW8]

His boss for work has a wife that is similar to my mom and suggested the book. It's helpful knowing that I'm not the only person with these issue but it doesn't really help to deal with them. Their suggestions are just different ways to tip toe around. And of course I can leave and go to my boyfriends apartment, but I know that would just bring a hurricane of trouble with her.
Also thank you for the book suggestions, I'll take a look at them!

[Turkish]

It's amazing how many people we meet who are touched by similar pain. My buddy at work have me the WOE book,  but I'd just downloaded it and found this site. His situation was an ex wife a decade earlier. 

We also have a lot of material here,  collated from many members and from many years.  Given that you are living in the home for now,  the communication tools can help.  I utilized them with my ex and mother of my children,  and also with my BPD mother when she was living with me and my little kids over a year ago.

2.06 | Arguing - Don't Engage

As one example. 

I'm still concerned about your safety,  and this must be so much harder to consider given your younger siblings. Here is a safety plan to consider,  should you need it:

https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

I had safe places to flee to,  but I still had to live at home.  Two months,  maybe,  after my mother last smacked me,  I moved out,  never to spend another night in that home. 

How are things going now?

[Peacewithin]

Hi there.  Just writing to let you know you're not alone.  My mother is very similar.  For me, it was sort of the opposite... .as the youngest, she latched on to me so extremely.  Gross. 
It sounds like you have a lot of insight for your age!  Yay!
I hope that things improve greatly for you as you become more independent of her.  For me, that certainly helped! 
I'm 37 now, and though she is still difficult as all to try to communicate with, she has absolutely no control over my life.  I live far away and through a lot of therapy, have a really good relationship and career.  Also, CoDA has helped immensely!
I don't know if you need to hear this, or if it's for my younger self, but things can definitely get better.  For me, it's been about learning to have more of myself for myself... .not being like a limb of my mom... .
 

[Notwendy]

If I had one piece of advice to you- from my younger days, is that becoming financially independent from my parents was my ticket to not being under BPD mom's control. I had a similar situation with my father going along with whatever my BPD mother wanted and her being controlling. One of the things she controlled was money, even though my father earned all of it. I was her "black child" in the family. She controlled every penny he ever gave me and this included money for college.

I chose to attend a state college for several reasons. My father earned a decent living but my mother's spending had us in financial stress. I wasn't sure there would be much money for college and the in state tuition was affordable. I also worked some so I didn't have to ask for extra money as mom had control of that. 

I studied hard. College is frustrating as you are legally an adult, but being dependent on parents- they still have a say in what you do. This is frustrating for you- but it is temporary. I take it you are a commuter student and live at home?  One way to get some peace is to spend more time on campus. Study in the library in the evenings if you can. Join some clubs. I am not suggesting you be sneaky, but your BF can meet you for lunch or dinner on campus and you don't need to have mom decide about that. You are old enough to see your boyfriend.

But don't lean too much on the relationship. You are both very young. There may or may not be a future for the two of you, but in either outcome- investing in yourself as a person, getting your education, making friends on campus and growing personally will benefit both of you and the relationship.  Your BF probably needs time to mature as well. Enjoy each other but give the two of you space to enjoy all the aspects of college and to mature.

Also most colleges have student health centers with counselors. Your parents won't know if you visit the counseling center. The counselors there are likely familiar with BPD and can be a source of support and information for you and help you to navigate your home situation.

Financial independence is your ticket to not being under your mother's control. Make the most of this temporary situation by maximizing your education. Choose a major with good job prospects or entry into graduate school if that is your goal. Look for internships,jobs,  or ways to get experience in the summers. You can still have a relationship with your parents, but when you can stand on your own two feet financially, it will be more your choice in the matter. Hang in there- make the most of your time in college.

[Ambitious202]

Hi there,
I can relate to your story-I'm the youngest, but my older sister (oldest child) of my BPD mother got the worst of her treatment. Thru therapy and a few books I've read, I've learned my sister got the worst of my mothers treatment because of my mothers jealousy of her. I being the youngest, was her buddy and friend growing up, but as soon as I went off to college and developed my own life, things hit the fan with her and I. What you're going through is very common with a BPD mother.