Not Sure 2...

[MaroonLiquid]

This is a continuation of my previous thread.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=308173.0

Sometimes I just want to throw things!   . So my ex and I decided to work on some softball paperwork today and I asked what time to be to her house.  She said, "Between 12-2?" I said, "OK".  So I'm 45 minutes away and told her I couldn't be there till between 1-2.  She said ok.  I get a text from her at 1:56PM that says, "I really only had between 12 and 2 to work in this. We'll have to reschedule... .". I responded, "Ok.  I was almost there.  :)ropping my son off.  Thanks for letting me know.  I thought you meant be there between that time.  We have to get this done."  She then said, "I told you between 12 - 2 was good for me. I have other things I have to do this afternoon.  It's 2:04 and you're not here.  Anyway, I'll get back to you when I'm available next."  My thought is, if she had other things to do then why the he! did she say between 1 and 2 was ok.  She doesn't have anything else to do, she's just being difficult because she can and wanting to start a fight.  This crap pisses me off.  I responded, "I understand it's a little after 2 and I'm late.  I was 45 minutes away and couldn't get here till now.  I am currently 5 minutes away.  You never said you only had until 2PM to work on it.  I probably would have said let's do it later this evening or something to where we have more time."  She didn't respond.

I'm tired of this BS from her.  She's only mad because I didn't conform to her timetable and to her "needs and desires".  This is frustrating.  She's being difficult for no reason.  Sorry for venting. 

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[MaroonLiquid]

She just now responded, "Someone is coming to vet the puppies now and then I have time til 5."  I responded, "Ok, sounds good.  Text me when she leaves and I'll be over.  I'll get some lunch in the mean time."  Maybe I didn't handle it as bad as I thought, but man!  I am pretty fed up with controlling behavior from her.  It's stupid and old.  I get frustrated for loving someone with BPD. 

[Fian]

I am not sure this is BPD behavior.  It sounds like a misunderstanding.  She thought she communicated that she could work with you until 2pm, and you took that to mean that you could start as late as 2pm.

[GaGrl]

I agree... .Her 12-2 timeframe could be interpreted several ways. Let it go as a miscommunication.

You are edgy these days, aren't you?

[MaroonLiquid]

I am not sure this is BPD behavior.  It sounds like a misunderstanding.  She thought she communicated that she could work with you until 2pm, and you took that to mean that you could start as late as 2pm.

You are probably right!  I'm over here now and we are working through this paperwork and it's been pleasant.

I agree... .Her 12-2 timeframe could be interpreted several ways. Let it go as a miscommunication.

You are edgy these days, aren't you?

Like I said above, I believe it was miscommunication.  I actually haven't been edgy up until today.  I feel I've been very calm in spite of circumstances.  I just misunderstood her and she misunderstood me.  I do think she thought I was blowing her off and why she said, "She would let me know the next time she would be available."  Oh well.  Like I said, I'm over here, we're working through paperwork and it's pleasant.

[Grey Kitty]

One way to view her is that she's not capable of / comfortable with acknowledging her feelings about you directly, and is playing other games instead.

That means her reaching out to engage you is usually cloaked in some other request which isn't that emotionally vulnerable.

And from the sound of it, when she rejects you, she usually cloaks that too in some other reason she is "busy".

It sounds like you expect this of her, and are trying to read the 'real meaning' into everything she says or does.


I can tell you that trying to figure out what she is really thinking but isn't saying, and trying to say what you aren't really feeling so she reacts the way you want her to is a crazy-making game for you, and probably won't feel very good even if you 'win' at it!

It is better to refuse to play that game with her, even if you suspect she is trying to. Take what she says at face value, and go from there.

If she's not playing games, you get a healthy, direct, face-value interaction.

If she was trying to play those games, you can hope that someday she will notice that they don't work well with you, and stop trying.

Either way, I think you are better off.

[MaroonLiquid]

My ex did something pretty ironic today that I almost busted out laughing regarding blocking people on Facebook (she blocked me a few weeks back)... .

A few days ago, my ex and I were unfriended on Facebook due to a woman being completely unreasonable about something regarding softball.  We were discussing at breakfast yesterday after our daughters softball game and she said, "I can't believe she blocked us.  I said, "Who cares!  Blocking and unfriending people on Facebook is meaningless and usually childish and immature."  She kind of looked away as it seemed she felt guilty.  She changed the subject pretty fast.  

I was at her house today and she said, ":)id you see my Facebook today?"  I replied with just , "No." as she has me blocked and can't see her profile at all which she is obviously aware.  She said, "Look what I posted."  She showed me her phone and it was a meme that said, "When you get unfriended or blocked on Facebook it's like they took out the trash for you."  I laughed out loud and thought to myself, ":)o you not see the parallel?" But just kept my mouth shut.  Pretty funny!

[Grey Kitty]

  Good job laughing to yourself about the hypocrisy and keeping your mouth shut(ish) and stopping yourself from rolling your eyes at her, etc.

Nothing good ever comes from mentioning it to her, as you well know!

[MaroonLiquid]

GK, the last few times I've seen my ex, your words about taking what she says/does at face value has been pretty right on.  A couple of days ago, we saw each other for the evening and during the evening we hugged several times and even kissed once.  I texted her to ask a question later about something regarding softball and she didn't respond.  I didn't respond either and we went the whole next day without texting.  The following morning she texted and we started talking again.  Then yesterday, we spent the afternoon together and had a good time.  We told each other we loved each twice and then later she had a meeting and I had softball practice.  I texted her afterwards to ask how it went.  No response.  I haven't tried to respond anymore.  I'm really trying to push for healthier communication and no games. Not pushing when she's like this helps. 

[MaroonLiquid]

My ex is pulling back a bit and I'm letting her.  About 5 days ago, we hugged and kissed and told each other we loved each other.  Since then she is "retreating" into herself.  I guess she can't handle that.  We still talk a lot but here's an example of what's going on.  Yesterday, we went to dinner (surprised I was invited) and she paid for the meal for 6 of us (her kids and I).  Near the end of the meal, we discussed going to see a movie.  She said, "Since I paid for dinner, you can cover the price of the movie tickets."  I thought to myself, "Um, not no but... .". I made the comment instead, "I'll pay for tickets for you and I which will pay you back for my dinner."  She seemed kind of irritated by that but I didn't really care.  We bought the tickets and went to the movie.  Once inside, we went to sit down and her daughter threw a fit since she wanted to sit next to her and my ex told her no and that we were going to sit next to each other.  It was the first movie I've ever been to with her where we didn't hold hands or were affectionate. At the end of the movie, she walked out with her oldest son and interlocked arms with him.  It was a little strange.  Anyway, we got back to her house about midnight and she asked our Godson if he was staying or going home.  He said he was staying (he always sleeps on the couch).  She then looked at me and said, "I need to go to bed so you need to "skidaddle" and hit me on the butt.  I picked up my stuff I had with me and headed for the door.  She asked how long of a drive I had and I said about an hour.  She said, "Ugh, well be careful." And went to shut the door behind me.  I said, "I don't get a hug?"  She said, "Well, you walked out like you were mad (I didn't).  I think she was putting on me how she was feeling regarding the tickets and dinner.  She gave me a hug and I asked for a kiss (I know, stupid me  I should have just left it at that) which she laughed and said, "No, goodnight".  I then got in my car and left.  Today she texted me about trivial things and we have been talking back and forth.  Thoughts?

[Grey Kitty]

Thoughts?

Push and pull, not telling you the whole story, but having an agenda that will trip you up now and again... .this confused stuff you are getting from her... .that's the best you are likely to see. It will include more weeks or months that are "better" as well as weeks or months that are "worse".

In your shoes, I'd probably give up on a romantic relationship with her, if that was the best I could expect... .but I'm not you.

... .and in addition, you also want to be there and continue to raise her/your kids, with no legal rights to anything if she doesn't want to let you have it.

Given that, I'd probably just accept that having a messed up and not very satisfactory r/s with her is the price you have to pay for your time with the kids.

So, in short... .you know the tools; use them the best you can.

[Fian]

I would have paid to watch the movie for all of them.  Personally, I am not worried about whether the deal is fair or not.  If each side gives something, then I think that is a healthy situation.

[MaroonLiquid]

I would have paid to watch the movie for all of them.  Personally, I am not worried about whether the deal is fair or not.  If each side gives something, then I think that is a healthy situation.

This is the first time I haven't, ever.  I always pay.  I wasnt trying to be vindictive!  I've never worried about it.  The thing is I lost my job a few months back and I can't afford it and she knows that.  It's not that I didnt want to.

[Fian]

Yes, I can understand why you didn't pay then.  But did you apologize and explain it?  "I would love to pay for everyone, but as you know right now I am unemployed and money is tight.  Would it be ok if I just paid for you and I?"  With BPD, it isn't always what you say, but how you say it.

[MaroonLiquid]

It’s amazing what happens when we stick to our values and how our pwBPD reacts.  Two days ago I got back into town from the Softball World Series where I coached my team.  I took my ex wife’s daughter (still call her my daughter) so that she could spend time with my biological daughters.  We got in to my ex wife’s about 2:30 yesterday morning and went to bed.  I noticed she was a little “off” but just let it go.  We started to get intimate when she said she didn’t feel like it.  I told her that it was ok and we didn’t have to.  She just nodded and we talked for a while.  She fell asleep on me.  When we woke up, she was looking at her finances and saying how she was broke.  She wanted to get the house clean and we all pitched in.  Later, she said that her sister was coming into town for the afternoon and asked me if I could go somewhere else for the evening and come back tomorrow.  I was hurt but I said, ok.  I was pissed but acted as it was ok.  A little bit later, I asked her if we could talk as I wanted to discuss it healthily.  I never raised my voice.  She said sure.  I told her that it hurt my feelings and I feel like a “dirty little secret” when people come into town.  I told her that I’m good enough to sleep with, good enough to be a father to her kids, but I’m not good enough to let everyone know I’m staying there.  I reiterated that it hurt my feelings and I’m not sure how she could treat me that way when according to her, im the only one there for her and that supports her (told me that when we made love before I left and she cried really hard as her family was extremely rude to her).  She told me that I just needed to leave and go find somewhere else to stay for the night.  She said that she isn’t responsible for my feelings and that she supports me more than anyone else has.  I told her that kicking me out every time I say something she doesn’t like isn’t supportive but rather abusive.  I told her it was ok to have disagreements, but treating me this way is unacceptable and I didn’t appreciate it.  She was not happy.  We never raised our voice.  I left mildly upset, but at the same time happy that I expressed my feelings and my values. Her life is falling apart currently as she was forced to take a leave of absence from her job, she is having trouble making ends meet as her house note is more than she thought.  She is struggling in many areas.  She told me I’m the only one there for her which is true.  Thoughts?

[Fian]

It seems to me that you took the right approach.  You spoke what you wanted to communicate and then didn't argue much.  My only quibble is the use of the word "unacceptable."  I wouldn't recommend using that word unless you were planning on doing something different if she didn't make a change.

Also, the last time you wrote, it seems like you were both keeping your distance.  It appears that you have reconciled since then.  Congratulations on that.

[Grey Kitty]

  Good for the two of you to discuss things like this without it becoming a huge fight.

In the bigger picture... .the way she treats you (as you described it to her) isn't very good. It does seem better than in the past, but still isn't good.

Are you starting to re-think how much being there for her and her daughters is worth putting up with it?