Overwhelming pain

[Depression = 72% of members]

Just needed to share my painful experience. Apologies if this turns long winded.
I have been 7 weeks seperated from uBPD wife after discovery of infidelity.
All began 4 years ago the usual intense beginnings while she had a serious eating disorder.
She was beautiful charming and everything I could of wanted in a women apart from the obvious issues surrounding the eating disorder but it was a perfect match me the caretaker and her the reciever. I naively thought that if I give everything I could to get her better from the eating disorder that I would have the women I could only of dreamed of having.
Within 2 months we were talking about marriage and babies etc. Which were clearly red flags but it was what I had always wanted. 6 months after many times of her putting pressure on me to propose I got swept away and asked the question.
She spent the next year planning the perfect wedding. Before the wedding I started having doubts to her extreme emotional outbursts but I out it down to her issues with body image etc.
We had our honeymoon and she got pregnant 1 month after the wedding.
From this point things starting going down hill even more as I had to tripple my efforts in making her happy and getting nothing at all in return as she withdrew any affection or intimacy.
Our little Girl was born and again I was told I have to look after her as she has to look after yhe baby which I was understanding about but I was increasingly frustrated at lack of any form of intimacy other than kissing which was never initiated by my wife. I felt like a desperate leech feeding of scraps while feeling like living on egg shells.
For my birthday she had arranged a suprise meal with my family which of the morning we had a massive row and then said she wasnt going so after I went she turned up and we sat through meal which was very tense and then she made a scene in front of my family and raged at my mother and then left leaving the carnage behind. I made it very clear that regardless of her justifications that her behaviour was not acceptable on any level. She said I should of supported her and felt I had turned against her. She deleted my whole family off facebook and couldnt understand why this upset me and the restbof my family. How could I possibly justify this to my family?
From this point things got alot worse as now my family had seen the rage she was capable of and even though my mother had forgiven it and carried on as though nothing had happened my sister would not forget it. My wife felt as though I should sort it out...
The year that followed she attacked me physically on 4 occasions infront of our young daughter each time throwing me out of the house and blaming me for provoking her because I knew how to press her buttons.
She would tell me that I needed to romance her more and take her out because she was in control of everything that she needed a man to take control even though  felt I couldnt assert any control out of fear of it being wrong.
She would say I needed to go make friends and take more prode in my appearance because she it was not attractive that I did the washing and the ironing as she thiught it looks bad on her even though I had no problem doing those things.
She then warned me if I dont start taking more control etc that she would end up having an affair because I wasnt making her feel good which I felt powerless to change the dynamics of the relationship. All the rages and attacks and put downs had broken any connections and I felt hopeless but I still loved her and thought If I try and make her happy things would change.

So 7 weeks ago I found out she had slept with an ex 2 weeks prior after reading messages on her phone... I confronted her and packed my bags and left.
She has shown no ammount of empathy for what she did to me and expected me to come back and fight for her... she says she regrets what she did and it would never of happened had I treat her better. She never takes accountablity for her mistakes and says she was angry at me because she was soo disapointed how I let her down when our daughter was born. Never showing me any emapthy for the pain that it has caused me.

Finding out what she did cut me to my core and it was the most painful thing I have ever had to go through and every day I live with the betrayal and horrible images of what she did.
Now I am left with her filing for divorce and living with what she did to me. She keeps saying I have shown nothing to her aince it happened that I wanted to fight for her and my daughter and I keep telling her she has shown no empathy for what that has done to me. How could I possibly put myself back into that knowing she could do it again.

Now I feel every day of guilt of thinking if I had just been more loving etc it would never of happened and I feel even more hurt she seems to have closure because I didnt do enoufb to show her I wanted her. The pain is at times unbearable and I think I should just go back and do everything I can to take away the pain even though I know it was not a happy place.

Now I go over every day thinking it was my fault and if i had just done what she had said everything would be perfect.

[Feelingblue]

Just needed to share my painful experience. Apologies if this turns long winded.
I have been 7 weeks seperated from uBPD wife after discovery of infidelity.
All began 4 years ago the usual intense beginnings while she had a serious eating disorder.
She was beautiful charming and everything I could of wanted in a women apart from the obvious issues surrounding the eating disorder but it was a perfect match me the caretaker and her the reciever. I naively thought that if I give everything I could to get her better from the eating disorder that I would have the women I could only of dreamed of having.
Within 2 months we were talking about marriage and babies etc. Which were clearly red flags but it was what I had always wanted. 6 months after many times of her putting pressure on me to propose I got swept away and asked the question.
She spent the next year planning the perfect wedding. Before the wedding I started having doubts to her extreme emotional outbursts but I out it down to her issues with body image etc.
We had our honeymoon and she got pregnant 1 month after the wedding.
From this point things starting going down hill even more as I had to tripple my efforts in making her happy and getting nothing at all in return as she withdrew any affection or intimacy.
Our little Girl was born and again I was told I have to look after her as she has to look after yhe baby which I was understanding about but I was increasingly frustrated at lack of any form of intimacy other than kissing which was never initiated by my wife. I felt like a desperate leech feeding of scraps while feeling like living on egg shells.
For my birthday she had arranged a suprise meal with my family which of the morning we had a massive row and then said she wasnt going so after I went she turned up and we sat through meal which was very tense and then she made a scene in front of my family and raged at my mother and then left leaving the carnage behind. I made it very clear that regardless of her justifications that her behaviour was not acceptable on any level. She said I should of supported her and felt I had turned against her. She deleted my whole family off facebook and couldnt understand why this upset me and the restbof my family. How could I possibly justify this to my family?
From this point things got alot worse as now my family had seen the rage she was capable of and even though my mother had forgiven it and carried on as though nothing had happened my sister would not forget it. My wife felt as though I should sort it out...
The year that followed she attacked me physically on 4 occasions infront of our young daughter each time throwing me out of the house and blaming me for provoking her because I knew how to press her buttons.
She would tell me that I needed to romance her more and take her out because she was in control of everything that she needed a man to take control even though  felt I couldnt assert any control out of fear of it being wrong.
She would say I needed to go make friends and take more prode in my appearance because she it was not attractive that I did the washing and the ironing as she thiught it looks bad on her even though I had no problem doing those things.
She then warned me if I dont start taking more control etc that she would end up having an affair because I wasnt making her feel good which I felt powerless to change the dynamics of the relationship. All the rages and attacks and put downs had broken any connections and I felt hopeless but I still loved her and thought If I try and make her happy things would change.

So 7 weeks ago I found out she had slept with an ex 2 weeks prior after reading messages on her phone... I confronted her and packed my bags and left.
She has shown no ammount of empathy for what she did to me and expected me to come back and fight for her... she says she regrets what she did and it would never of happened had I treat her better. She never takes accountablity for her mistakes and says she was angry at me because she was soo disapointed how I let her down when our daughter was born. Never showing me any emapthy for the pain that it has caused me.

Finding out what she did cut me to my core and it was the most painful thing I have ever had to go through and every day I live with the betrayal and horrible images of what she did.
Now I am left with her filing for divorce and living with what she did to me. She keeps saying I have shown nothing to her aince it happened that I wanted to fight for her and my daughter and I keep telling her she has shown no empathy for what that has done to me. How could I possibly put myself back into that knowing she could do it again.

Now I feel every day of guilt of thinking if I had just been more loving etc it would never of happened and I feel even more hurt she seems to have closure because I didnt do enoufb to show her I wanted her. The pain is at times unbearable and I think I should just go back and do everything I can to take away the pain even though I know it was not a happy place.

Now I go over every day thinking it was my fault and if i had just done what she had said everything would be perfect.

[Feelingblue]

To add it makes me wonder if I was the problem all along and if i had been able to be the man she needed that it would all of been ok as I feel terrible that there were times when she would be soo kind like booking trios holidays etc and I can see why she aould feel frustrated that I was unable to do those things for her.

[roberto516]

To add it makes me wonder if I was the problem all along and if i had been able to be the man she needed that it would all of been ok as I feel terrible that there were times when she would be soo kind like booking trios holidays etc and I can see why she aould feel frustrated that I was unable to do those things for her.

I've felt this way at first too. I thought it was all my fault and I blew it. With time I realized how she treated me. Now I'm starting to see the part we both played.

Please don't beat.yourself up over this. Something would have eventually happened no matter how perfect you tried to be for her. 

[Feelingblue]

I felt like I had to be perfect all the time and that if my mood waa anything less than stellar it would result in a verbal put down or lecture about how I have nothing to be unhappy about 

[lovenature]

Welcome Feeling blue

Keep reading and learning, if you had done what she wanted, she would just have wanted more from you to prove you wouldn't abandon her. Sadly the more we do to prove how much we love a PWBPD, the more they hurt us and push us away. The illness prevents them from having the close intimate relationship they so desire.

[Ahoy]

Hi Blue,

Firstly, welcome to these boards. It was tough reading your post because no person deserves what happened to you. It certainly sounds like you have just exited a dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

My advice, read up on these forums, particularly the bigger, longer posts. There you will probably find stories very similar to your own, you will begin to understand (if you partner suffers BPD traits) how your relationship evolved (and like all of us) then imploded.

I'm highlighting this to reinforce it. If your partner is BPD you need to take a step back and stop placing emphasis on any words said or typed. Focus on her action and her actions ONLY

Without going into too much detail, what I see from your post is some classic BPD blame shifting and justifications for her crappy actions. Also projection.

"You let me down after our daughter was born" - I let our family down after our daughter was born

"You need to control things or I will have an affair" - I can't control my feelings around you any more. I need to soothe how I feel by indulging in an affair.

Have no doubt, if she is BPD she will use her words to point the finger of blame squarely at you. NOT because she is malicious, because this is the only way she knows how to deal with this.

Her actions have lead to this relationship ending, but she can't see herself as being at fault (black/white thinking) therefore the only logical conclusion (in her mind) is to throw you under the bus, lumping all the blame at your feet.



"

[Feelingblue]

Thanks for replies this site really has helped alot.

Everytime I drop my daughter off on a saturday night she has been drinking and becomes abusive she turns into a rage saying how I am good at leaving and what horrible person I am etc then when I got into my car she came out the house throwing brick at my windscreen.
When she hasnt had xeink it is ok but everytime she has it escalates.very quickly and last time it was a fruit bowl thrown at me on way out.