So hard to watch kids struggle

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Although I know from reading other people's posts that unfortunately is not uncommon for our children to have emotions related to their parent wBPD. To this point it seemed like my children were dealing fine with all the chaos and elevated behaviors their father was displaying, but over the last few weeks I have seen signs from them that they too are worn out from his behaviors. I am sure it is not coincidental that I have been finally setting some clear boundaries to help protect me from his abusive language and actions. I am finally moving forward with a long overdue divorce, after 5 years of separation, and am detaching from the cycle of his projections, blaming and rage-which I seem to be his sole target. We have been sharing custody for many years of our D8 and S12, but I have definitely taken the lead role in scheduling, arranging children's school and activities and covering when he has flaked due to his live-in-the-moment lifestyle. I have never gotten in the way of him having the kids overnight or when we arranged, but very recently I think his anger/fears has started to interfere with his interactions with them. For example, today we arranged for me to drop the kids to him (although it was almost 2 hours after he said it would be) and my D8 got tears in her eyes on the way. I asked her what was wrong and she finally admitted she didn't like all the arguing and yelling at dad's house. My S12 also said he doesn't look forward to going there because he always now ends up getting into an argument with his dad-he said it is more often and he doesn't have fun anymore. I told them it was really important for them to try and express their feelings kindly to their dad. When we got to the drop off, I tried to tell ex that our D8 was having a difficult time but as usual he said he had nothing to say to me. When my children tried to say something he instantly started yelling and said he felt attacked. No one said it was his fault-just that there was a lot of yelling going on lately.
I tried to stay out of it but my D8 came to me crying saying she didn't want to go. Broke my heart! Ex couldn't take the emotions and got mad enough that he through their bags back in my car and left-complete tantrum. He called as a follow up to tell my S12 that he felt attacked, and then asked to speak to me. I don't think I should have gotten on the phone, but I did and he told me that I was out of line and how dare I get the kids to hang up on him. What? I'm really not sure what part I played in this interaction-but he feels the children's words and feelings of his elevated actions are somehow my doing? Any suggestions?

[Inneedofhelp]

Although I know from reading other people's posts that unfortunately is not uncommon for our children to have emotions related to their parent wBPD. To this point it seemed like my children were dealing fine with all the chaos and elevated behaviors their father was displaying, but over the last few weeks I have seen signs from them that they too are worn out from his behaviors. I am sure it is not coincidental that I have been finally setting some clear boundaries to help protect me from his abusive language and actions. I am finally moving forward with a long overdue divorce, after 5 years of separation, and am detaching from the cycle of his projections, blaming and rage-which I seem to be his sole target. We have been sharing custody for many years of our D8 and S12, but I have definitely taken the lead role in scheduling, arranging children's school and activities and covering when he has flaked due to his live-in-the-moment lifestyle. I have never gotten in the way of him having the kids overnight or when we arranged, but very recently I think his anger/fears has started to interfere with his interactions with them. For example, today we arranged for me to drop the kids to him (although it was almost 2 hours after he said it would be) and my D8 got tears in her eyes on the way. I asked her what was wrong and she finally admitted she didn't like all the arguing and yelling at dad's house. My S12 also said he doesn't look forward to going there because he always now ends up getting into an argument with his dad-he said it is more often and he doesn't have fun anymore. I told them it was really important for them to try and express their feelings kindly to their dad. When we got to the drop off, I tried to tell ex that our D8 was having a difficult time but as usual he said he had nothing to say to me. When my children tried to say something he instantly started yelling and said he felt attacked. No one said it was his fault-just that there was a lot of yelling going on lately.
I tried to stay out of it but my D8 came to me crying saying she didn't want to go. Broke my heart! Ex couldn't take the emotions and got mad enough that he through their bags back in my car and left-complete tantrum. He called as a follow up to tell my S12 that he felt attacked, and then asked to speak to me. I don't think I should have gotten on the phone, but I did and he told me that I was out of line and how dare I get the kids to hang up on him. What? I'm really not sure what part I played in this interaction-but he feels the children's words and feelings of his elevated actions are somehow my doing? Any suggestions?

[ArleighBurke]

So sorry for you. Divorce on a "normal" couple is hard - throw in BPD and I can imagine it would be hell.

How much do the kids know about BPD? Do they know dad has it?

Whether you label dad's behaviour as BPD or not, 8 and 12 are good ages to teach them some of the skills from this site. I taught my 10 and 13yr olds about mum's "anxiety" (never mentioned BPD). The key points were:
- mum has anxiety - it's not your fault
- sometimes she reacts BIG to small problems
- if she's worried/stressed about something else, that can affect other decisions.
- and sometimes, as right as you are, and as wrong as mum is, sometimes you just need to say "OK" and do what she asks (especially if she's super emotional).

I've watched my kids apply these thoughts and they do really well. Even my BPD wife says our son is very perceptive and sensitive to her (and I take that as a compliment to my teachings of him - we go over interaction between him and her a lot to disect and learn).

I havn't gone back over your posts - do you talk to dad with the SET technique and Validation? Do the kids?

[flourdust]

It sounds like you're trying to do everything you can. On the positive side, if you're providing a stable, safe home, then the kids have that environment at least part of the time. Dad's place may be volatile and unpleasant, but they don't have to be in that environment 24/7.

Are the kids seeing a therapist? You might consider a family therapist, for just the kids or for all three of you, to help them place dad's behavior in context and give them some coping skills.

I have a similar dynamic with my separated BPDw and D11. With the help of her therapist, D11 has been able to approach BPDw to talk about verbal abuse, mind reading, and projection. Sometimes this improves the relationship, and sometimes it just gives D11 the understanding that she's not responsible for what her mom does.