After 5 weeks no contact, I get three words from her...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I received a WhatsApp message in the early hours of this morning from my exBPD married lover, in which she simply said, 'Thinking of you.'

This was clearly designed to cause an emotional reaction, especially as it was delivered at 3.15am.

I made the decision to walk away 5 weeks ago because it was destroying me emotionally. She kept disappearing for a week here and a week there only to resurface with one excuse after another. The last time this happened she told me that her husband had found out about us and she could no longer text me (though WhatsApp was ok) and she could not see me for the forseeable future.

During the past five weeks no contact, I started to get abuse amnesia and think that perhaps I had been too hard on her. Perhaps all of the excuses she made were in fact real reasons. However, once this message came through, it was clear she just wanted to put herself back in my head. One of her favourite tricks. I thought about not replying, but I had told her how abusive silence is. So since I woke up at 4am myself, I decided to send her the following reply:

"I have missed you desperately but you told me that you could no longer see me. I also feel that you are not committed to us. I have been in deep emotional pain over our relationship.  I am in love with a woman who is essentially unavailable and refuses to discuss anything. I don't want to feel upset or jealous anymore. It has taken you five weeks to contact me. You told me that we had a future and I believed you. Unfortunately you continue to keep pulling further away from me."

She has not replied to this message, which is exactly what I would expect. In the past when we have broken up and I've been recycled, I have been so desperate to re-establish relations with her, I would fire back something like: 'I love you so much. I have to see you.'

However, I have been going through a detachment process with the help of this site and while I do miss her desperately, I am not as desperate as I would normally be thanks to the help received here. Perhaps had she been willing to engage and discuss the situation, I may have relented.

However, the fact that she left me just three words at an early hour in the morning (probably on her way back from a  shift working for a well known suicide prevention charity) has actually angered me. If this is the extent to which she is willing to engage, despite having been empathic all night to people on the telephone, it shows the manipulation, control and contempt she reserves for me, a man who has loved her for 14 years. Three little words have done more to help me disconnect than years of looking back at her transgressions. She has been exposed by her own manipulation.

I wonder how others view this?

[RomanticFool]

I received a WhatsApp message in the early hours of this morning from my exBPD married lover, in which she simply said, 'Thinking of you.'

This was clearly designed to cause an emotional reaction, especially as it was delivered at 3.15am.

I made the decision to walk away 5 weeks ago because it was destroying me emotionally. She kept disappearing for a week here and a week there only to resurface with one excuse after another. The last time this happened she told me that her husband had found out about us and she could no longer text me (though WhatsApp was ok) and she could not see me for the forseeable future.

During the past five weeks no contact, I started to get abuse amnesia and think that perhaps I had been too hard on her. Perhaps all of the excuses she made were in fact real reasons. However, once this message came through, it was clear she just wanted to put herself back in my head. One of her favourite tricks. I thought about not replying, but I had told her how abusive silence is. So since I woke up at 4am myself, I decided to send her the following reply:

"I have missed you desperately but you told me that you could no longer see me. I also feel that you are not committed to us. I have been in deep emotional pain over our relationship.  I am in love with a woman who is essentially unavailable and refuses to discuss anything. I don't want to feel upset or jealous anymore. It has taken you five weeks to contact me. You told me that we had a future and I believed you. Unfortunately you continue to keep pulling further away from me."

She has not replied to this message, which is exactly what I would expect. In the past when we have broken up and I've been recycled, I have been so desperate to re-establish relations with her, I would fire back something like: 'I love you so much. I have to see you.'

However, I have been going through a detachment process with the help of this site and while I do miss her desperately, I am not as desperate as I would normally be thanks to the help received here. Perhaps had she been willing to engage and discuss the situation, I may have relented.

However, the fact that she left me just three words at an early hour in the morning (probably on her way back from a  shift working for a well known suicide prevention charity) has actually angered me. If this is the extent to which she is willing to engage, despite having been empathic all night to people on the telephone, it shows the manipulation, control and contempt she reserves for me, a man who has loved her for 14 years. Three little words have done more to help me disconnect than years of looking back at her transgressions. She has been exposed by her own manipulation.

I wonder how others view this?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey RomanticFool, I am uncertain why you feel a compulsion to reply when she throws a few crumbs your way.  As you note:

it was clear she just wanted to put herself back in my head. One of her favourite tricks.

If you know it's a trick, why did you fall for it, is the question I suggest you ask yourself.  I don't buy your justification.  The real reason, presumably, is why you've stayed for 14 years.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but this is the Detaching Board, which is a painful process.  Let us know how you see this playing out.

LuckyJim

[RomanticFool]

Thanks for the reply Lucky Jim. As I write in the post:

I thought about not replying, but I had told her how abusive silence is. So since I woke up at 4am myself, I decided to send her the following reply:

I closed down the WhatsApp thread. I know only too well what pain is since I've had many years of dealing with this woman before I knew what BPD was. Also, the few 'crumbs' that she threw my way were answered because I don't want to be wondering in my own mind what she wanted. Now I know for sure it was to just get back into my head, I won't reply again. However, the fact of contacting me put herself in my head. So I don't think it would have made a difference to her whether I replied or not.

I understand why you doubt my justification but I was the one who walked away this time. The fact that I did that speaks volumes about how hurt I have been at this woman's hands and how I am no longer deluding myself. I am fully aware that this is a detachment board as I've spent the last five weeks doing exactly that.

If one has written reams and reams of emails telling somebody that silence is a form of abuse, then doing the same back does not sit well with me. However, now that I have realised why she contacted me (I gave her the benefit of the doubt of this occasion) I won't be replying again.

I did think for a moment that she actually wanted to communicate properly. The problem is in my situation that when you have loved somebody for so long you wonder about everyday things such as how they are doing etc. There is no black and white formula to the detachment process, some days we are stronger than others and that is how it plays out. We are human beings, not machines.

However, I do know from reading all the posts on here that the situation is futile and so I will have to stick to no contact or face the consequences.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

[GuySmiley]

I did think for a moment that she actually wanted to communicate properly. The problem is in my situation that when you have loved somebody for so long you wonder about everyday things such as how they are doing etc. There is no black and white formula to the detachment process, some days we are stronger than others and that is how it plays out. We are human beings, not machines.

This is very true - they are always on our mind. Some days we're stronger than others. My exBPD texted last night - she's on holiday with her husband and reached out telling me she misses me and he doesn't love her the way I do yada yada yada... .

I should have ignored it but I got sucked in. Feels good to hear her say the words even though I know they're just words and her actions are wildly different. It feels good to tell her the feelings of love that build up inside of me towards her. She tells me how much she misses how much we were in love and how we turned each other on so easily. And I fall for it. Well kind of. I don't take any of the things she says too seriously now, but her words do hit home and for a while while were texting it feels so so good to have her say these things.

No contact from her this morning. Perhaps this afternoon. Perhaps this evening. Perhaps I'll keep looking at my phone like an idiot waiting for the bing. It's an addiction. It hurts and you feel like crap afterwards - and the only thing that makes you feel better is another 'hit'. But ultimately you're left feeling empty knowing that what you really want you can never have. and you feel like sh*t because its a tough reality to face.

However, I do know from reading all the posts on here that the situation is futile and so I will have to stick to no contact or face the consequences.

Yep, stick to no contact. But again I have to ask (and I ask myself the same question even though I know the answer) - why not simply block their number? I know I don't text her first, It's always her texting first - so I could keep no contact if I really really wanted to. The fact that those of us who do have the option to block their numbers but don't speaks volumes.

Either way - there's no shame in reaching out or responding. We're all here for the same reason and we're all aware of the type of pain we receive and the feeling of letting ourselves down when we break NC.

[Sunfl0wer]

Idk, I tend to simply believe a person who is married cannot be available for anything but "fun escapism."  To not expect anything too meaningful, serious, heartfelt. 

I wouldn't invest my heart into that.

[GuySmiley]

Idk, I tend to simply believe a person who is married cannot be available for anything but "fun escapism."  To not expect anything too meaningful, serious, heartfelt. 

I wouldn't invest my heart into that.

Yeah, I'm well aware of that. Unfortunately this has been going on for 20 years since we met at Uni.

[RomanticFool]

GuySmiley, you are in exactly the same situation as me. I totally understand what you have been going through as my exBPD married lover has been in my life for over 14 years. I have written a long post (probably on page 2 of the detached thread by now) about what happened.

I have to ask (and I ask myself the same question even though I know the answer) - why not simply block their number? I know I don't text her first, It's always her texting first - so I could keep no contact if I really really wanted to. The fact that those of us who do have the option to block their numbers but don't speaks volumes.

The reason I broke contact with her is because she said her husband had found out about us (which I don't believe) and had allegedly downloaded all text messages. She asserted that we could no longer communicate by texting but somehow we could still communicate via WhatsApp. I was so annoyed at the nonsense of her claim that I broke all contact and emailed her about BPD and how our relationship has played out through a BPD prism. I actually thought I had shut down the WhatsApp too as I had never saved her number as a friend.

So I had been 5 weeks no contact and then I received a WhatsApp message from her ar 3.15am Monday morning with the 'Thinking of you' message. Not entirely sure how WhatsApp works but I am now trying to block her number.

I felt relieved/annoyed/hopeful/hopeless all at once. I responded with the message in bold in my thread, sticking to my position but being sure to tell her I missed her - obviously leaving the door open as you suggest in the futile hope it would all be different - which I know is the definition of insanity ie doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

So again today no message but it was too late, I was drawn back in. I sent a forbidden text message asking, 'Why did you contact me last night?' Her game is to leave a message and then disengage. So I became incensed at her not replying and rang her, which is sacrilege in our situation because we are both married. I left her a message telling her exactly how I felt, because she likes to invalidate my feelings, and mentioning that I emailed her weeks ago about Borderline Personality Disorder and in my opinion she needs help before she puts more people through the wringer.

This is completely NOT what I should have done, but as soon as she contacted me, I was engaged again. So I am now back to no contact, because her annoyance at me cutting her off will ensure she doesn't reply to me properly, and I have no desire to communicate with her again. I think I rang her because our relationship has been founded in communication via text and mostly non communication by her as punishment. So ringing her and leaving a message, something I have hardly ever done in 14 years, was my way of taking power back. I don't know if it worked. I feel better for doing it right at this moment, but the best thing would have been if she had never contacted me via WhatsApp and, better still, I had not responded. So I have learnt something here. No contact should mean no contact and tough words from Lucky Jim on this post have proven to be great advice. Whatever happens, don't respond. I will do my utmost to stick with that from now on.

I believe that if her husband did find communication on her phone via texting, it wasn't just from me. My plan is to remain no contact. I don't think she will try to contact me again via WhatsApp because she will think I will reply via text and she will not want that.

The relationship is over. I know too much about BPD and her behaviour got worse and worse the longer the relationship continued. I protested long and loudly over the years about the lack of contact and she purposely became virtually monosyllabic in defiance of my wishes/control attempts.

I know what is going on but once I become emotionally involved, I am powerless over her, so just like an addiction to alcohol, drugs or anything else (other than food) I must abstain. You are right about the way we behave with these people, it is an addicition and my life was punctuated by looking for her text messages. When she took that away from me, I knew we were done.

The way she withholds communication is sociopathic in my opinion. She does it because she knows it hurts me. Knowing that fact doesn't stop me reacting emotionally at times, but it did enable me to make the decision to finally walk away from a very damaging situation.

The ball is in my court. I have the power. I must try to stay strong. No contact is the answer and I know it.

[GuySmiley]

Honestly, if I'd not read some of your other posts and read some of the details, I'd swear we're contacting the same girl. As of a couple of months ago apparently her husband also knows about the texts - something I quite simply do not believe in the slightest - it's a distancing tactic that they try to scare us away with when they get too close - rather than admitting they're in the wrong and taking responsibility for their actions they pretend they've been found out and have now come clean and it's all out in the open and they're trying again etc.

It's bullsh*t. All of it. Everything that comes out of their mouth.

And the on/off communication. Exactly the same.

[RomanticFool]

See this is the thing, my instincts told me that it was bullsh*t and now hearing your story, it all comes into focus. The sick thing is that she was on a cruise the week she told me this had happened but kept in contact with me during that time. I could tell by her mood that something was amiss.

I told her then I knew about BPD and just 5 weeks later she cannot resist dipping her toe back in the water again. Which is why I rang her. Nothing like the immediacy of a voice on the other end of the phone to cut through the lies.

She knows I am on to her now, so I doubt I will hear from her again.

[GuySmiley]

She knows I am on to her now, so I doubt I will hear from her again.

Hahaha. You really believe that?

I'll bet you a year's wages this ain't the last you've heard of her.

[RomanticFool]

Well, GuySmiley, the facade is broken. I have rang her three times today and left 3 messages. The last one saying that I know all about BPD and I know she has probably slept with other men. She hasn't returned the calls and has blocked my phone number. I think she is frightened. I would be amazed if she ever contacted me again. If she does, she won't reply to anything I say.

[Rayban]

romantic

Word of advice; be careful of harassment charges.   
She could use the continued voice-mails to paint you as a stalker to the police, her husband, or anyone she could garner sympathy for.

Continued communication just shows her that you're still attached. 

[RomanticFool]

Thanks Rayban. I'll bear that in mind. If she ever goes to the police or her husband, I will tell them all the full story, so I'm not overly worried. She is not the type of BPD to do that. She has waif and hermit tendencies and I wouldn't escalate this anyway. I'm done with contact now. The only reason I contacted her is that she left me a message on WhatsApp.

Question: What difference does it make to her knowing I'm attached? I can actually see that would be in my favour if she thinks I'm still attached as, with any luck, it will keep her away from me for another five weeks in which time I can hopefully get strong enough to ignore her next time.

Do you think she only contacts me when she thinks I am no longer attached? Is that how it works with a BPD?

Getting involved with these people is the very definition of insanity.

[GuySmiley]

Does she care that you're attached? No.

She cares only about her next hit from you.

And she'll contact you again. And she won't care if it ends up destroying your existing relationship. She cares only for her hit.

Best you can do is let your partner know what's going on and tell her you'll more than likely be contacted by her again and it will be very very hard for you. You can then both deal with it as a couple. Keeping secrets from your current partner only magnifies the attraction of it all and makes it worse. Nothing is more alluring than illicit relationships.

So tell your partner and blow the doors open on the whole thing. Your ex will run a mile once she's been called out by a third party.

[RomanticFool]

GuySmiley, there is no way I am involving my wife. I am trying to improve my relationship with her and this would end my marriage. She doesn't deserve that. I agree with the principle that you are only as sick as your secrets but this is infidelity and my wife wouldn't forgive it. I am trying to get out from under this to save my marriage not destroy it.

I am not fearful that my exBPD would do anything to hurt me. 3 words in six weeks suggests she is moving on anyway.

[RomanticFool]

In my previous question, I meant attached to my exBPD.

[Rayban]

If you're still attached then you're an insurance policy for her. Someone she can call on when she needs validation, attention or whatever else she needs. 

There is nothing a BPD hates more then losing an attachment. Losing an attachment is kin to being abandoned. Love or anger messages,  it's the same for her. You are still emotionally vested.

Indifference is your goal here. Calling her and leaving messages repeatedly works in her favor. She basques in the attention, while you spend weeks maybe months ruminating on what you should or shouldn't have done.

If you truly feel there is no hope for a relationship with this person, then just don't respond no matter what.

[RomanticFool]

Rayban, I learnt today that I cannot engage with her. She left her message because she thought I had detached. That sparked my reaction.

However, there was some satisfaction in my leaving the messages as I told her that I know everything she told me about her husband finding out about us was merely a distancing technique. I told her I realised she was probably scared to contact me because for the first time I can see her as she truly is.

I think she has blocked my number from texting and she didn't reply to any of my messages. In the past she would have done. Other members on here think she will contact me again but I would be surprised if she did. She has waif and hermit traits and the whole relationship was based on her being the helpless victim of her husband and being kept a virtual prisoner in her own home. Even though I knew it was bullsh*t, I went along with it because I knew that was the only way I'd get to see her.

I have effectively shattered the whole fairy tale and exposed her underbelly. I've never done that before. I think she will be too frightened of me to contact me again. It is no fun for her if she can't control me by pulling the wool over my eyes.

However, I am clear in my own mind that today was the last time I will ever contact her. I can see very clearly who she is and I do not want to waste my time on a conniving, self centred liar. I felt all of the love I had for her ebb away today in the face of her cowardice at not talking to me. That is the last time I will ever respond to a message or call her. Enough is enough.

Thank you for your response. It has been incredibly helpful.