Using tech, seeing what life is like for my BPD ex w NC- floored

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So. I'm a bit good w tech. I can recover all sorts of data. Even that which is deleted. I'm going to try to write this without seeming so super creepy, because the pattern it unveiled to me had me floored. It proved to me that after I graduated from boyfriend to savior/chief persecutor, i would never go back. I will be his trigger until he finds the next gun.

I can track all the following w my diagnosed BPDex:
Location.
Texts.
App use.
Photos.
Search history.
All web activity.

And recover any deleted items in these categories. And obtain passwords even when changed. Like i said - I am great with tech. Also a creep.

My ex and I have had two periods of NC, one for a month, another the last two weeks. During the first period, I didn't track him at all. When it was broken, he said he essentially wasn't acting out during this time. No reckless unprotected sex with disgusting people every day. No cutting. No cycles of rage. I took him at his word, he doesn't lie much to me. Maybe he was, I didn't care.

When we broke NC,  it became the same cycle of disaster that the end of our relationship was. The insane ups/downs - one day supportive of each other, the next tearing each other down. Lots of cutting on his part - even wrote my name in blood on his wall and sent me the "making of" videos. Daily sex with gross strangers. Just a nightmare. He would say I am pushing him to this by either being too available or not at all available when he needed me (just started a new job, was not replying during business hours no matter what the "crisis". I was either being too kind or too cruel (cruel meaning honestly reminding him of some of the things that happened in the r/s as issues I am working thru). So two weeks ago we negotiated a cease fire. Voluntary NC- no blocking. Just leaving each other alone because we finally admitted we were NOT helping each other. Rather than going into servere detail I'd just say read some of my posts. You'll get it all.

So in the last two weeks I've kept tabs. Wow. It's exactly as he said during the first NC. No insane texts in his friend group. No marathons of threesomes, group sex, being an object. I would know. I can see everything that crosses his laptop, phone -even activate cameras on those if I so chose. I won't.

No dating or sex apps. I mean, really, he's affirming that indeed, NC is good for him. It has been 6 months since break up, he won't find a replacement, keeps trying to recycle me. But he is in DBT now, and he has a support system that never existed before.

So net net: I am writing this to remind those detaching folks in NC that, guess what? If youre like me, and many of us here, staying away isn't just good for you. It's good for them too. When we escalate to savior/chief persecutor, we cross a line that is not easily or possibly redrawn. You may initially trigger abandonment wounds in leaving altogether, but imo that is a process they will have to digest. Coming back - that is the danger.

I think we have to be firm in knowing that coming back, even with good intentions, is a mind fck for these sick and truly suffering people. It twists their already extraordinarily tortuous emotions more than need be. If you aren't ready to come back with a full commitment, aka "let's be friends" (aka I just want to keep getting that white knight high and help him/her) then just don't break NC.

We have to look at what our role is in the situation. Are we not being selfish, self seeking and inconsiderate? Are we not using these poor people at their expense to fill some incomplete aspect of ourselves? I know for me, I often was. And caught myself doing it when I broke the first phase of NC. I wanted to be the hero. He lets me be that, until... .well. We know.

As for me. This has been a valuable lesson. I'm hanging up my hacker hat. And moving on. Turns out we are better off without any form of contact. He clearly is. And so am I. I did treat this hacker fest as a case study, more so than rumination. But found it drifting into negative territory. So I'm done and moving on. Spiritually, I will wish him the best. And continue to grow myself.

I hope there may just be the smallest kernel of hope in this weird a$$ post for anyone who's wondered what happens when they go NC. Always happy to help someone here.

[cbm419]

So. I'm a bit good w tech. I can recover all sorts of data. Even that which is deleted. I'm going to try to write this without seeming so super creepy, because the pattern it unveiled to me had me floored. It proved to me that after I graduated from boyfriend to savior/chief persecutor, i would never go back. I will be his trigger until he finds the next gun.

I can track all the following w my diagnosed BPDex:
Location.
Texts.
App use.
Photos.
Search history.
All web activity.

And recover any deleted items in these categories. And obtain passwords even when changed. Like i said - I am great with tech. Also a creep.

My ex and I have had two periods of NC, one for a month, another the last two weeks. During the first period, I didn't track him at all. When it was broken, he said he essentially wasn't acting out during this time. No reckless unprotected sex with disgusting people every day. No cutting. No cycles of rage. I took him at his word, he doesn't lie much to me. Maybe he was, I didn't care.

When we broke NC,  it became the same cycle of disaster that the end of our relationship was. The insane ups/downs - one day supportive of each other, the next tearing each other down. Lots of cutting on his part - even wrote my name in blood on his wall and sent me the "making of" videos. Daily sex with gross strangers. Just a nightmare. He would say I am pushing him to this by either being too available or not at all available when he needed me (just started a new job, was not replying during business hours no matter what the "crisis". I was either being too kind or too cruel (cruel meaning honestly reminding him of some of the things that happened in the r/s as issues I am working thru). So two weeks ago we negotiated a cease fire. Voluntary NC- no blocking. Just leaving each other alone because we finally admitted we were NOT helping each other. Rather than going into servere detail I'd just say read some of my posts. You'll get it all.

So in the last two weeks I've kept tabs. Wow. It's exactly as he said during the first NC. No insane texts in his friend group. No marathons of threesomes, group sex, being an object. I would know. I can see everything that crosses his laptop, phone -even activate cameras on those if I so chose. I won't.

No dating or sex apps. I mean, really, he's affirming that indeed, NC is good for him. It has been 6 months since break up, he won't find a replacement, keeps trying to recycle me. But he is in DBT now, and he has a support system that never existed before.

So net net: I am writing this to remind those detaching folks in NC that, guess what? If youre like me, and many of us here, staying away isn't just good for you. It's good for them too. When we escalate to savior/chief persecutor, we cross a line that is not easily or possibly redrawn. You may initially trigger abandonment wounds in leaving altogether, but imo that is a process they will have to digest. Coming back - that is the danger.

I think we have to be firm in knowing that coming back, even with good intentions, is a mind fck for these sick and truly suffering people. It twists their already extraordinarily tortuous emotions more than need be. If you aren't ready to come back with a full commitment, aka "let's be friends" (aka I just want to keep getting that white knight high and help him/her) then just don't break NC.

We have to look at what our role is in the situation. Are we not being selfish, self seeking and inconsiderate? Are we not using these poor people at their expense to fill some incomplete aspect of ourselves? I know for me, I often was. And caught myself doing it when I broke the first phase of NC. I wanted to be the hero. He lets me be that, until... .well. We know.

As for me. This has been a valuable lesson. I'm hanging up my hacker hat. And moving on. Turns out we are better off without any form of contact. He clearly is. And so am I. I did treat this hacker fest as a case study, more so than rumination. But found it drifting into negative territory. So I'm done and moving on. Spiritually, I will wish him the best. And continue to grow myself.

I hope there may just be the smallest kernel of hope in this weird a$$ post for anyone who's wondered what happens when they go NC. Always happy to help someone here.

[Idsrvt2]

Thank you for your post ... although I wish I could see what my x is doing .  Mine seemed better without me as well, for years he acted normal and then we became involved in the relationship.  He would often tell me he was trying to save me from himself ... .I didn't realize what he meant until I had the cops banging at my door with a false protection order.

He also told me he suffers a ton and one day I will realize just how much.   

I tried to help my x, but I was going thru a very stressful period myself and I just had no patience to understand.    Today was another bad day for me, I'm only two months out, but I'm eating again after checking his social media and seeing it seemed like he moved on... .he hasn't really... that msg was placed there for me to see... .it's part of the BPD.

My presence in my x life caused him increased anxiety , and reinforced past trauma as he said he feared me .   

You're right we will always be triggers and reminders of who they are and who they can never be.

[cbm419]

Thank you for your post ... although I wish I could see what my x is doing .  Mine seemed better without me as well, for years he acted normal and then we became involved in the relationship.  He would often tell me he was trying to save me from himself ... .I didn't realize what he meant until I had the cops banging at my door with a false protection order.

He also told me he suffers a ton and one day I will realize just how much.   

I tried to help my x, but I was going thru a very stressful period myself and I just had no patience to understand.    Today was another bad day for me, I'm only two months out, but I'm eating again after checking his social media and seeing it seemed like he moved on... .he hasn't really... that msg was placed there for me to see... .it's part of the BPD.

My presence in my x life caused him increased anxiety , and reinforced past trauma as he said he feared me .   

You're right we will always be triggers and reminders of who they are and who they can never be.

I firmly believe. Once we cross that bridge, it will never be easily, or at all, crossed back. With treatment and support they may foster new and better relationships. But for those of us who crossed their paths before healing began, we will always be a part of the core wound.

It would be so nice and sweet if now that my BPD ex is seeking help, I could magically no longer be the black/white force I once was. I've realized that this must be victory by surrender. Winning by giving up. He will never rediscover balance with me. And that's okay.

Btw I don't recommend my path. My obsession with information. It just lent me a view most here don't get. Believe it or not, they're oft better without us. It's something we all probably knew before ending it, but struggled with post.

Don't be afraid to accept: it's over. And it's for the best. For us both.

It's a magical sensation for me and I wish you feel the same, in time.

Cheers!