Why is the birth Family of a BPD so willing to ignore the situation?

[Doughboy]

This may not be the right board but I will put it here because I think it does fit.

My uBPDexfiance has strong tendencies toward the BPD, waif, high functioning.  Her history with failed relationships, 7 jobs in last 8 years, life long money struggles, bad childhood with Mother and Father and their relationship issues/divorce, Father ended up homeless and committed suicide, etc. 

Why does her family and close friends that see all of these things just sit there and say that "She is just depressed", "she has always been this way', 'she is just emotional/save the world type", "it is what it is", etc?

Is it because they know they are most likely part of the original, core issue?  Is it a lack of desire to put in the work to see her maybe get a little better?  Are they just completely worn out from it over the years?   

This aspect makes no sense to me because if someone would speak up the relationships could get better with the uBPD.  She has the worst support structure.  She leans on her Church and they feel that her problems are mostly rooted in her Sin and she needs to pray more and more involved in the Church to fix things.

If I would have known what was happening I would have at least brought it up somehow. It is too late for me as I have been split black and her family thinks I am the Devil incarnate.  It is so frustrating!  To know that this woman I really Love, because she is amazing 75% of the time, is going to continue this cycle of unhappiness the rest of her life and that it may cause the same in her own children... .UGH!  How depressing.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SamwizeGamgee]

I got married before I knew about red flags. Having done that though, I've got five kids. At least two show blatant BPD traits.  I pray for them everyday that somehow they can escape and become emotionally healthy.  Since they are kids, maybe that hope is not in vain. 

Far from ignoring them, though I often act as though they weren't there, or might appear to do so, my heart aches for them.  Maybe I'm wanting to believe it's just depression, or teen angst, or whatever, and maybe I gloss over the problem to others on the outside.  I secretly hope that neither gets married or has kids to reproduce the pathology, and abuse their loved ones.  That is unless they can overcome BPD.

Maybe your wife's family are in the same quiet agony (or denial) watching a loved one's inner torment and outer chaos.  It's heart wrenching.

[waverider]

A few possible reasons.

~They have always been this way so it has normalised

~They cant change the pwBPD, or they would have, so they just accept or block it.

~ Fear/denial of genetic link reflecting on them

~The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, ie they have their own problems and so keep their own skeletons firmly locked in the cupboard. You just can't see them.

~Grateful the pwBPD is now your problem and not theirs.

I do know you can drive yourself nuts, and get let down, trying to get them "on board". They are not your saviours

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thinking about this. I also wish someone would have given me a hasty self-help course in emotional intelligence, red flags, and avoiding personality disorders.  Alas.
My dating history must have included just enough normal happy girls to trick me into naivete.

[isilme]

The family of origin is often so enmeshed that pointing out this kind of disorder makes them feel you are blaming them a little.  Also, it's normal to them.  It's just life.  It's not remarkable, it's not something weird or unusual, and they all probably have enough "fleas" from the BPD dog that it really is not something worth talking about.

I was estranged from my BPD dad's FOO until I was 15.  We lived far away, and they hated that he had remarried (sin) and had a new child (another sin).  So I kinda started out in a bad place in their eyes, and I don't recall many remembered birthdays with cards or calls, or holidays.  I remember one visit when I was 2 or 3 by an aunt, dad's sister, and another when I was 5 when I finally met grandma and grandpa, his parents.  Imagine not knowing or seeing pretty much any of your family until you are almost through high school. 

So, it was weird when dad divorced mom and ran home to his parents for a place to live while it was all finalized and he went wife-shopping for #3 for her credit rating.  I was totally an outsider, and I saw how weird they all were with each other (aunts, uncles, cousins, and the grandparents in constant contact, daily, weekly, and monthly visits depending on how far away they all lived).  So, I go from NO relatives to a cacophony of strangers with whom I share some DNA. 

I could tell watching them that my BPD mother, as crazy as SHE was, was right about the fact they were a weird family.  And as an outsider, I had a hard time relating to the very dysfunctional ways they communicated and manipulated each other.

I heard my grandma was feeling poorly while at my aunt's house a block away.  So, I walked over to say, "Hi - can I do anything."  Grandma, it seemed, was mad at my aunt and my teen cousin, and was wanting THEM to come check on her, so she sent me away "I don't want YOU. I want Aunt and Cousin."

To others, this is a weird, story - whose grandmother does that, right?  But tot hem, it was business as usual, that's just how granny is, etc.  Another gem was when grandma told me I was the smart one and my cousin that she was the pretty one.  Another thing that was normal for them.  I went NC with the lot of them when Dad finally kicked me out at 19 for telling him "No." for the first time. 

Anyway, the FOO does not think about how weird they are themselves, or how weird their son or daughter is based on their BPD.  To them, it really is just the way they are - why are you talking about something we don't want tot alk about? 

[Doughboy]

  To them, it really is just the way they are - why are you talking about something we don't want to talk about? 

I think this is the crux of it.  Her Mother lives 2 miles from me in our Hometown.  Her brother is in Texas and her sister lives in China.  The uBPDexfiance lives 3 hrs from me/Mom and needs to until her youngest turns 18.  I think they just do the out of sight/out of mind thing.  She has been like this her whole life to a certain extent and her Mother mentions the fact that her daughter is not good with money (spends on things she doesn't need because she wants), that she has a long history of failed relationships - most very short, that she feels like she was not made to work full time, can't do what other adults do, that she has never figured out who she is, that she has never been alone longer than 5 months, etc.

Her Mother basically lists the traits of a Waif High function BPD.  She then says that her depression is from her failed/abusive 2nd marriage.  That she has always had ADD (recently medicated at the age of 44). Plus every other excuse/enabling thing she can think of. 

When I met with her after the break up to discuss some things I had seen related to what I thought was her depression Mom agreed with me but then told the Ex that I thought she was crazy and could not exist without me.

I just wish someone would step up and quit enabling her and get her help.  I hate the thought of a 75% of the time Amazing woman living a life full of so much disappointment... .

[Shane87]

A few possible reasons.

~They have always been this way so it has normalised

~They cant change the pwBPD, or they would have, so they just accept or block it.

~ Fear/denial of genetic link reflecting on them

~The apple hasn't fallen far from the tree, ie they have their own problems and so keep their own skeletons firmly locked in the cupboard. You just can't see them.

~Grateful the pwBPD is now your problem and not theirs.

I do know you can drive yourself nuts, and get let down, trying to get them "on board". They are not your saviours

I think waverider hit the nail on the head with many, if not all, of these.

My wife's family history is full of major anxiety issues, compulsive behaviors (compulsive spending, pulling out hair to the point of baldness and needing wigs, etc), etc.  It's played down by her family, and I suspect that for them it's just a normalized part of their life.

The first time my wife severely dysregulated shortly after our honeymoon (curled up in fetal position while wailing incoherently) I called my FIL since we lived in the same town as them.  He showed up, shrugged, mumbled something about, "this is what you married into," and walked out.
Me: 

[Doughboy]

I find it telling the the brother and sister moved as far as possible away from Mom.   I known her Father had issues and commuted suicide when the ex was 19yr. old.