Lesbian, polyamorous, and my partner has BPD

[MissMuffin]

I know I'm not the only one who has screamed for HELP!
I've been with my partner for 3 years and the deeper we go, the more issues seem to arise. Little things I say or do, even light hearted jokes cause major fights. She's a recovering alcoholic and I'm learning that I'm co-depdenent. If I don't run and save her when she's relapsing it causes her to distrust me, threaten our relationship, avoiding reality by staying at her new gf house, manic spending, etc. I am back in counseling and she's getting consistent with her counseling again which has also brought me in for couples counseling.

Help!

How have you made your BPD relationships successful? Any additional tips?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi there, Missmuffin,

 

Here's a safe place to talk, and to be understood, because there are many of us who have lived similar situations. The distrust, the arguments about small things, the threats and other erratic behaviour, we've all been there.

Many people with BPD have an all or nothing mentality, I don't know how that can mix with a polyamorous relationship. Usually for them, if you are not invested in them a 100%, they sense you hate them, or don't care at all. When they calm down, they'll know it wasn't like that, but to take them to that calm state, it's not on our hands.

I know my GF for 4 years, she has trusted me during some periods of time, but she can lost it for whatever reason, and then it takes months to gain it back. I had to learn to live with the lack of trust, knowing it is not my fault, and it's not something she really wants, she suffers because she doesn't trust me.

You have a lot of tools on the right of this page. Don't try to find a magic answer, step by step, one day at a time, things can and do get better. Go to the Basic Tools first. And please, keep writing, so we know things are improving, and how we could help.

Good luck.

[JH68]

I have a wife and son with addiction issues. My wife is diagnosed with BPD.  I suspect my son also has BPD.  So, I know how difficult this can be.  For the past three years I have been going to Al Anon and working with a sponsor.  Also I've been working with a DBT therapist for the last year so I can learn skills to be more effective in my relationships.  There's a lot of overlap in what I've learned from Al Anon and DBT.  I think they compliment each other nicely.  This has helped me a great deal.  My relationship with my wife is better than it has ever been.  I'm doing better at avoiding my codependent patterns.

If I don't run and save her when she's relapsing it causes her to distrust me, threaten our relationship, avoiding reality by staying at her new gf house, manic spending, etc.

This is a tough.  It's hard to ignore someone you love who's hurting.  On the other hand, if you run and save her, you're enabling her.  If you save her every time she relapses, she will eventual learn (perhaps unconsciously) that relapsing is a good way to get her emotional needs met!  This can turn into a sick cycle.  There's a middle path. In Al Anon there's a concept called "detachment with love."  It is possible to love someone and help them without jumping into the quick sand with them.  It's easier said then done, however.  I spent a year in Al Anon working with my sponsor before I learned to detach with love.  I couldn't learn it by reading a book. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/family-affair/201506/detaching-love-0

[Grey Kitty]

  MissMuffin, and welcome here.

I've been through it myself, and so have many members here.

I'll say that there absolutely is hope because you can improve the daily strife and conflict. As you work on tools like better boundaries, and work on your own codependence issues, you can improve things. I've done it, and I've seen improvements.

I personally have been in an open relationship with a pwBPD, and can offer you some practical advice there if you have specific issues or concerns relating to that aspect.

Anyhow, hang in there, and please keep posting your story here, especially whatever is the most hurtful or frustrating today--I find that dealing with specific, concrete issues constructively is easier than trying to solve the "big picture" most of the time.