Her desk is empty

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I worked in the same office and team, with m my now ex.

She was sadly fired from her job due to her having a major lapse in her condition and being aggressive to the managers one day.

It's been 3 weeks since she left and each time i walk past her room I look in and look at her desk.

I sat with her at this desk many many times. Giggling, laughing, sharing, bonding, planning futures.

Every time I was facing a problem at work I'd go to see her and talk to her lots and lots and always walked away happy and relaxed.

I'm going through a few issues at this time and would so love to see her sat there so I could go to speak to her and for her to solve my problems.

Her desk and my heart feel empty now, it's not the same and days like today I don't want to be at this office anymore. My mind races off to thinking where she is now and what she will be doing.

I've never missed anyone as much as I miss her.

I was doing so well in my recovery and seem to have relapsed, sat here at my desk trying to hide my tears.

Has anyone got any love to share with me.

Why am I missing her so much when I felt I was so over it

[Mavrik]

I worked in the same office and team, with m my now ex.

She was sadly fired from her job due to her having a major lapse in her condition and being aggressive to the managers one day.

It's been 3 weeks since she left and each time i walk past her room I look in and look at her desk.

I sat with her at this desk many many times. Giggling, laughing, sharing, bonding, planning futures.

Every time I was facing a problem at work I'd go to see her and talk to her lots and lots and always walked away happy and relaxed.

I'm going through a few issues at this time and would so love to see her sat there so I could go to speak to her and for her to solve my problems.

Her desk and my heart feel empty now, it's not the same and days like today I don't want to be at this office anymore. My mind races off to thinking where she is now and what she will be doing.

I've never missed anyone as much as I miss her.

I was doing so well in my recovery and seem to have relapsed, sat here at my desk trying to hide my tears.

Has anyone got any love to share with me.

Why am I missing her so much when I felt I was so over it

[RomanticFool]

I totally sympathise with how you feel. I am going through it myself at the moment. You are down one day and up the next because you are a human being with healthy emotions. Unfortunately your ex is not and she will not be experiencing things in the same way as you are.

Therefore, chin up, my friend. Of course you feel awful, you are a grown up who has been trying to have a relationship with a child, albeit in a woman's body. Sadly pwBPD have the emotional age of a three year old, which means nothing they say can be trusted and everything they do can be harmful to themselves and us.

I know you find this hard to believe at the moment, but you won't always feel like this: This too shall pass. With time and by being good to yourself and focussing on YOU rather than your ex, you can get strong enough again and have a relationship with somebody who is able to show you the love, empathy and respect you deserve.

Is there anything in your background that might be the template for this kind of relationship? In my own background, my father was away alot and my parents used the house like a war zone, temper tantrums, fighting and no room for nurturing their children. This clearly created an abandonment complex in me and left me feeling anxious and depressed. Therefore I am susceptible to love bombing by a pwBPD and when they start the devaluing process, I see it as normal behaviour. Is there anything in your background that allowed you to tolerate such abuse?

[Rayban]

Hey Mavrik,

I also use to work with my BPDex gf. She left 6 months ago. While this should have been the greatest news ever, as it was excruciating having to see her everyday even if we weren't talking.  The first weeks after she left, I also passed her empty office, I remembered the good  times we shared and made me miss her even more.

Eventually her position was filled, and someone else now occupies the office and I don't associate it with her. It's simplistic but time does heal most wounds.

I still think about her, but much less.

[Mavrik]

Romanticfool where do I start.

Bullied at school, at home, at work, had rubbish friends, bad family environment.

So now an adult i want to be all that to Other which people weren't to me.

Hence I'm nice, kind, Caring, loving, and fall into savour mode... .hence this was my 2nd relationship with a BPD.

I missed all the initial signs until it was waaaayyy too late, and I thought she loved me for the great guy I was, rather than being merely the next man to drain and destroy.

[Mavrik]

Rayban

I'm having a few problems at work and if either of us had anything happen we'd always go to one another first, support one another through it and everything felt ok.

I so wanted her to be there today, I couldn't even text her, email her or ring her as I'm on NC

But felt a relapse today,

So missing her

[once removed]

hi Mavrik,

why do you feel missing her is relapsing? i think its normal, and healthy, to miss someone who was important to us.

[Mavrik]

I know she was toxic and she said some very very hurtful things and dropped me into depression. So missing her and thinking about her, starts with good memories then quickly moves to bad memories that doesn't help with my depression

[once removed]

So missing her and thinking about her, starts with good memories then quickly moves to bad memories that doesn't help with my depression

i can certainly understand that missing her or thinking of the good memories doesnt make you feel better, and i definitely wouldnt encourage you to dwell on them.

i would suggest, however, you feel your feelings, all of them, without judgment, and let them pass by as you observe them.

suppressing feelings or telling yourself that missing her is relapsing, or that you shouldnt feel that way, wont help with depression either. it was a real turning point for me when i gave myself that permission.

are you seeing a doctor or therapist to help with the depression?

[Grey Kitty]

"Relapsing" would be an action--contacting her, or something like that.

Feeling something about her, good or bad isn't an action, and it isn't a relapse. (I'm sure that part of you did want to, though!)

Like OR said, it is normal or healthy to miss the good things.  

And like you seem to be saying, wallowing in it could send you down a path toward depression, which isn't healthy for you. Try to take good care of yourself in ways that keep you focused away from her for a bit.

[Mavrik]

I'm on meds and will be starting therapy soon.

I was doing really well for 3 weeks and thought I'd come quite far, then it all seemed to crash around me

[Rayban]

Hey Mavrik,

I've been exactly where you are right now. You must protect your career.  I understand that you helped each other, but this is a time to gain self worth. Do what you must I'n being the best you can be at work.  That means arriving early, and leaving late. Take pride in your work. You were there for her. It's time you are there for you.

Seek the help you need.  Just go about it with your chin up. Your career should be a great focus point.  The more you think about what your career looks like,  the less you'll think of her.

[RedPill]

i would suggest, however, you feel your feelings, all of them, without judgment, and let them pass by as you observe them.

Yes. Having the feelings without judgement is key. I just talked about this with my T today. Feel it, notice it, and let it go.
Hang in there Mavrik.

[Idsrvt2]

This happened to me too at three weeks... I felt I was doing better then bam not.

I don't work with mine, but mine is my letter carrier... .I would sit on my porch daily and he would stop and chat and he would always lift my spirits and make me laugh.   He would often spend his lunch talking with me... .  he seemed so normal... .  he of course is not.

He took out a protective order out on me which was false and had no merit... .I returned with one on him... .so now he has to go around my house... .I see him now as he walks on by... .the silence that was once filled with laughter as my house and myself are skipped.   He walks on with no care

I'm in counciling, we are working on my boundary issues and my family issues as well,  I only have a few more sessions left.   I go there and I cry and I vent as she gets it
I've had back to back abusive relationships... .both I believe have BPD.

Anyway just wanted to share that your not alone in all this.  It will get better.  The other nite I just wanted to give up and now today is slightly better ...

I went out last nite alone and sat by myself ... .I was miserable , but I was out then I went online to my social media site to connect with people and that helped a lot . 

quote author=Mavrik link=topic=309676.msg12868598#msg12868598 date=1494454422]
I'm on meds and will be starting therapy soon.

I was doing really well for 3 weeks and thought I'd come quite far, then it all seemed to crash around me
[/quote]

[Mavrik]

I went to the movies (new alien movie, great film),

Sat waiting for a friend, I so had the urge to message her. I didn't but how I stopped myself i will never know.