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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Teen Troubles  (Read 364 times)
Thunderstruck
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 823



« on: May 10, 2017, 09:31:29 AM »

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here. Maybe just people to confide in and hopefully provide some advice or insight. These aren't typical child situations that we have to deal with and I feel like a lot of people outside of "Oz" won't understand.

SD12 has been telling us lately a lot of the things that are going on at her mom's house and it's pretty disturbing. In the past SD had been very enmeshed with uBPDbm but it seems now like her eyes are opening up to her mom's behavior.

- uBPDbm yells and curses at everyone in the house... .SD, her older sister (with a different dad), and the male roommate (who we believe to be the older sister's dad, kind of an on again/off again). She locks the roommate out and threatens to kick him out, calling him names. If the girls misbehave she "cusses them out". uBPDbm tells SD that DH and I are encouraging her to misbehave while at her mom's.
- uBPDbm works overnights (~6pm to 6am) at a strip club. When she gets home she passes out and refuses to drive the girls to school leaving it up to the roommate/dad to do it. uBPDbm moved out of SD's school district so the girls can't take the bus. uBPDbm is still saying/threatening that SD will be going to a different school just so she doesn't have to drive them (this is not going to happen, we have a court order saying to use our address for school purposes).
- uBPDbm is meeting guys off of online dating sites and bringing them home. SD says there are several guys a week. The roommate/dad says "You shouldn't bring these guys here, now they know where you live and that you have teen daughters".
- uBPDbm has told SD12 that she wants her to be a personal trainer or a bartender at a strip club when she grows up. Older sister wants to be a Victoria's Secret model or a stripper when she grows up. uBPDbm and older sister (14) both seem to have body image issues calling themselves fat and going to the gym to get "skinny".
- Both SD and the older sister have called uBPDbm a "psychopath" and are too embarrassed to bring friends over because of their mom's behavior. We monitor SD's phone (she's aware of this, it's part of the deal) and have seen texts between her and her sister calling their mom a "disgusting human being". When there is conflict the two of them will go on walks and vent to each other.
- SD has talked about liking our house better and wanting to run away from uBPDbm's.

Phew. That's a lot for a tween/teen to handle.

We have a lot lot LOT of long talks with SD, especially since she is maturing (physically, socially, emotionally... .). We talk about friendships, we talk about relationships, we talk about her physical changes. We talk about body image (and encourage her to be a good example for her older sister). We talk about how running away and avoiding your problems isn't a healthy way to deal with conflict but that the walks and taking a break are.

I'm not sure if DH and I are doing this right but lately when SD talks about her mom we have been adding things about uBPDbm's personality... .we haven't named her disorder but give generalities about it. Like "Your mom's personality makes it so she has difficulty with relationships... .not just romantic relationships but relationships with friends and family as well." Hopefully this makes some sense to SD as to why there is so much drama/yelling and dates coming and going.

Lately SD has been very picking about eating and won't finish her meals. It's making DH and I very nervous because of all of the body image issues that she is exposed to with her mom and older sister.
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nope
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
Posts: 951



« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2017, 07:15:19 PM »

This is the gift of split custody. Consistent exposure to what is normal and what is not normal gives your SD a basis for comparison. Plus if she hangs out with friends who have pretty normal families she can better see what she is not getting in her mom's home that she should be.

It's great that she's talking to you about all of this. Keeping her safe in as much as you can is the priority. Eventually she will get old enough to vote with her feet.
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