Little joy in 30-year relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been in a relationship for more than 30 years. I am a working mother of three. My partner has been prone to irrational behaviour that I could not quite understand for years. I call it my "whatthef*ck" relationship - sorry if that terminology is not acceptable. I took on more and more responsibilities for the family, including financial, I struggled to understand his rages and mood changes, and I struggled to understand why his life was becoming narrower and narrower over time - no friends of his own, poor work relations, no real hobbies - he would buy items for fly-fishing and then let it all go to rust. About five years ago an incident of verbal abuse escalated and I was injured when he lashed out at me. Since then I have sought counselling and I have learnt a lot about myself and about his mental state, which meets all the criteria for borderline, but it still is very difficult to get a handle on on a day to day basis. I made him go on medication, because that was the only way I could cope with him, so that helps. I have thought about and tried to leave him several times, but the level of his anxiety has made me realise that I would never be able to put distance between us. We are immigrants, with no close family, and he has no fixed job at the moment, and we have a 16 year old son with Aspergers who need stability. I am thus the breadwinner, the caretaker, the mother, the spouse. What I find most difficult is to sustain marital relations which he expects (and craves to reduce his anxiety) as part of what he sees as our "relationship" and which I have come to just barely cope with. We are in our mid-50s and I have a lot of financial concerns for our future, although so far I have managed to steer us through some difficult times. Sometimes I simply don't know where to turn to or who to talk to, as not even the psychiatrist I recently took him to - very expensive - was of much help. For me, there is little joy in our relationship, but personally I try to live mindfully and make life interesting and keep myself informed as far as possible.  So I have decided to join up to talk and discuss and for a sanity check :-)

[Luna Tuna]

I have been in a relationship for more than 30 years. I am a working mother of three. My partner has been prone to irrational behaviour that I could not quite understand for years. I call it my "whatthef*ck" relationship - sorry if that terminology is not acceptable. I took on more and more responsibilities for the family, including financial, I struggled to understand his rages and mood changes, and I struggled to understand why his life was becoming narrower and narrower over time - no friends of his own, poor work relations, no real hobbies - he would buy items for fly-fishing and then let it all go to rust. About five years ago an incident of verbal abuse escalated and I was injured when he lashed out at me. Since then I have sought counselling and I have learnt a lot about myself and about his mental state, which meets all the criteria for borderline, but it still is very difficult to get a handle on on a day to day basis. I made him go on medication, because that was the only way I could cope with him, so that helps. I have thought about and tried to leave him several times, but the level of his anxiety has made me realise that I would never be able to put distance between us. We are immigrants, with no close family, and he has no fixed job at the moment, and we have a 16 year old son with Aspergers who need stability. I am thus the breadwinner, the caretaker, the mother, the spouse. What I find most difficult is to sustain marital relations which he expects (and craves to reduce his anxiety) as part of what he sees as our "relationship" and which I have come to just barely cope with. We are in our mid-50s and I have a lot of financial concerns for our future, although so far I have managed to steer us through some difficult times. Sometimes I simply don't know where to turn to or who to talk to, as not even the psychiatrist I recently took him to - very expensive - was of much help. For me, there is little joy in our relationship, but personally I try to live mindfully and make life interesting and keep myself informed as far as possible.  So I have decided to join up to talk and discuss and for a sanity check :-)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyoctopus]

 
Welcome, luna. I was - am- in a very similar state. 23 years married but same issues you have, same age bracket too, I just couldn't take it anymore. Separated 8 mos and heading for divorce ( as soon as I can afford my lawyer to draw up the papers for filing!) Financial pressure is terrible.

The boards are very helpful and read up on how you can cope. A good book I always recommend for those who decide to stay is by Carla Downing "10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages" on Amazon. It was a lifesaver for me.

Hang in there !

[Ythisroad]

 
Hi Luna   I'm fairly new on the boards too, so welcome fellow newbie!  I think I'm becoming addicted to the message boards - it's so comforting to know we're not alone in our struggles.  There are some very kind and helpful people here, so read through some boards and immerse yourself in the joy of togetherness    

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Luna Tuna .

Welcome to the boards! You'll find so much support here and hopefully some ways that you can begin experiencing joy again. Living with a pwBPD can be so up and down that we sometimes feel hopeless. We have so many great resources and workshops on the right side of the board that can help you learn more about BPD, communicate better, and take care of yourself. Here is one of our lessons on Finding Inner Strength and Healing

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913193#msg913193