Conflicted emotions

[Caretaker2]

Hello all

My ex has apparently blown through all of her money plus the loan money I left in her bank account. She has sent me a few messages these past couple weeks saying she had high fever and had to go the ER, spent tons of cash on an Uber type service to get around, worried about her dog, and that she didn't like how I could "so easily" walk away from the relationship and accused me of secretly wanting to end it this whole time.

This has all left me feeling hurt and guilty because these are all things that I would worry about everyday while I was in the relationship. There were tons of moments I wished I was single. She has told me before to not look at her with a BPD lens, but seeing all of this crap blow up in her face makes me feel like I abandoned a handicapped person to fend for themselves. I really pity her and I feel like there's nothing she can do about this stuff. It feels awful and gross and confusing to try and think about it all.

The serious problem I see coming up is that my father is the cosigner on the lease for our student apartment that she is currently staying in. If she has no more money, even after the money I left in there, then I'm assuming that my dad will be left to pay some ridiculous amount of money. I don't know how to tell him this without him exploding. This is not near as crazy as the other things I've read on this site, but it has got me pretty shook and I don't really know where to go from here.

Thanks for reading

[publicdefender]

I think you've probably read on here, but fear, obligation, guilt.  She's using them all on you.  Is she on the lease?

[Mavrik]

How long had you been in the relationship? Why do you think you owe her? Do you think you've done enough for her already.

My ex had a lot going for her and she went into (and is currently) in self destruct mode, and is alone in the train she's in out of control and wrecking everything as she goes.

I so want to step in and help her as no one is there for her, but I've been told (on this forum many times) and I'll tell you this also, it's not what you want to hear as it's difficult.

You can't do anything and you have to step back and let turn destroy themselves, once at rock bottom they can then regroup and come back, you stepping in won't help one bit.

Tell your father as the longer you leave it the worse it will be.

Step back and let her go.

I've been where you are and if broke my heart beyond belief but there is nothing you can do

[Caretaker2]

Yeah she is. We both are, my dad is the cosigner. It was a one bedroom. We had been together since 6 years.

I'm feeling all 3. Her homelife was always pretty bad. She cheats, and then I'm able to leave and come back home to my family to find a job and study and basically all the things I need to take care of with little to no overhead. I feel guilty because she may not have had any control over what she did and now she also has this ridiculous rent to cover. The cheating wasn't the only thing of course, she was hostile and angry when things weren't ideal around the apartment. It was either a really really good day or like I was living with an angry monster. Never cleaned up after herself, had me do every errand because she couldn't drive, had to take care of her responsibilities on top of my studying and going to work, I could go on.

Having finally come back to a stable (for the most part) home and finally buying clothes for myself, meeting friends, and feeling better just suddenly hit me with these strong feelings of guilt. She's stuck in this bubble of feelings of worthlessness and insecurities. When she messaged me what she was thinking about this period of NC I could just tell what her life had probably been like since we last spoke. I don't know how she keeps on like she does.

[GD39]

An under my breath chuckle on the coincidence came to me on this one. Just yesterday I stated to my girlfriend all I had to say in regards to our financial situation. See, she wanted to leave her job, and I told her I would cover most of her expenses, and would give her an allowance for thirty days. The agreement was that during that time she would look for at least a part time job so I could end the allowance, and she could cover the part of the expenses I was not going to. She would not need to worry of the part I agreed to cover, and she could take time to look for something she would like to do as full time, and for a long period of time.

Well, idiot me, I did not enforce it completely and found myself giving her double of my original intent, and in the meantime, she has not moved a finger to get a part time job at the least, keeps on making more money demands, uses Uber instead of the bus, and was able to get a "friend" to lend her his car. Within those thirty days she put on the lent car two tires she blew, bought new tennis shoes for her son, got two $60.00 hair extensions for a total of $120.00 plus whatever the hairdresser charged, and yesterday, of all things, she "threatened" me of going back to the job she left, like if I was the one responsible for that move.

Here is the laughing point that might help you get off the guilt train. This conversation came on the heels of a demand for me to take her shopping for flip flops, tennis shoes, and a purse for her because she had "nothing to wear." I explained to her that she was forgetting that I was moving from my place to one closer to her and that the expenses of the move were over $3000.00, and that last week my car broke down and spent $1500.00 on repairs. Was all of this relevant? Heck no! While I am telling her all of this entire time she had an angry demeanor. I told her that it appeared she was upset, and if she wanted for me to leave. She said yes, so I did just that. What does she do? She follows me to the car to demand off me, not ask mind you, for money. How are you going to feel any guilt for a person that acts this way? Not anymore.

All I can tell you is this, I had hefty savings, a very balanced financial life, and ever since I met her I overspend a couple of thousands each month, and it is never enough. The only thing I heard from her was to let me know how mean and delusional I am. I think I had enough.

As for your dad cosigning... .you can almost rest assured that will be a problem you will have to face. Do not expect for her to take responsibility on that one.