Forgiveness for All

[AustenJ]

The first person I need to forgive is myself. As a rescuer/fixer, you would think I would know that.  But as we know, we take care of ourselves last because we put so many others ahead of us. Why do I have to take number and wait at the back of the line for help? How's that working for me?

So I forgave myself first, and then forgave my diagnosed xBPDgf second. Anger at myself and at her was only holding me back from my recovery. I determined that it is ok for me to acknowledge and own the fact that I do love her, but not her disorder. And that she is not her disorder. She is a human being with a tragic disorder. And we will never work out. She knows she hurt me deeply and is sorry, and at this moment in time has taken ownership of that, just as I have taken ownership of the negative things I brought to our relationship.

She says she still loves me, but that, in my mind, doesn't really matter any more. I will not allow myself to be recycled--I have too much to lose--my sanity, my self, my future.  I continue to work on severing my attachment to her. She knows with me that she cannot have her cake and eat it too.

She has been with my replacement for about almost 5 months, about the length of her relationship with me. We work together on a small staff. She has been stopping by my office to say hello the last two days after no contact since January. She has a hard time accepting that I am not her work friend and that all of my loyal friends(which are over half of the staff and are all men she loved to flirt with) on staff no longer socialize or acknowledge her. She struggles with all of the things that I brought to our relationship that she no longer has access to. Working here is not as fun as it used to be and she feels like everyone is judging her. She hates it here and is looking for jobs out of town. What she will never realize is that the NC is for me, and is not a way for me to spite her. She needs to move on. I need to move on.

I am finally thinking with my head and allowing my heart to follow instead of the other way around. The FOG begins to lift.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey AustenJ, It sounds like you are on a good path and putting yourself first, for a change.  I'm impressed that you have ruled out a recycle, which is a temptation to which many of us have succumbed.  It sounds awkward to be working together on a small staff.  That she continues to profess her love for you despite being with your replacement for the last five months strikes me as typical push/pull behavior from a PwBPD.  Be grateful that yours was a 5-month r/s rather than a 16-year marriage w/kids, like me.  Keep up the good work!

LuckyJim

[publicdefender]

It's good you've forgiven yourself and her.  I sincerely doubt she has taken ownership of her involvement in the end of the relationship, it just sounds too outwardly motivated for a BPD.