Does BPD = emotional abuse?

[Jej]

Hello, just a quick one. I have told my partner with BPD that I think he is emotionally abusive in our relationship. He shouts daily, always criticises, puts me down, never really has a positive word to say about me, dismisses everything I achieve or even fails to acknowledge it.  Partner says its to do with the illness that he doesn't realise he's doing it. I'm reluctant to accept that as feel it will just give more licence for him to act out. Any thoughts, advice please as I'm growing increasingly tired of feeling unhappy every single day. Thank you.

[Mavrik]

Hi Jej,

In a nutshell YES it's abuse.

He has this condition and isn't managing it, seeking help and taking it out on you, he has the control to seek help he's not doing, so therefore he's abusing.

It's all about 'intent v's kmpact'. Not the intent that he's giving out hurtful things, wether he justifies it or not. But the impact it has on you. If you feel hurt, offthded, upset etc then the impact is there. And therefore it's abuse.

Hugs going out to you in this situation x

[RedPill]

Hi Jej,

I know how you feel. Before I learned and accepted that my stbxudBPDw exhibited BPD behavior I wondered the same thing. I had endured years of criticism, ran around like a dog chasing his tail trying to prove my innocence after multiple false accusations, and allowed her to take the lead in everything out of the fear of her rage and wrath if she didn't get her way. Of course, all this was offset by the crumbs of love and acceptance she would toss my way, keeping me off balance. I questioned the very same thing in my journal and spent time reading about emotional abuse in relationships. So you're not alone in your confusion.

I don't know technically what you'd call that. All I know is that it didn't feel good. I am learning, though, that now I need to look very deeply into my own self to realize why I stuck with that, why I did not value myself enough to establish healthy boundaries, why I consistently put her needs before my own until I had forgotten who I was and what my values were. Because as painful at this split is, I cannot change her. All the support, acquiescence, and love in the world I could offer could not fill the bottomless put of emptiness inside her. And I have to learn to not make that mistake again. I have values. I have needs. I have healthy boundaries. I deserve to be with someone who can respect that and meet me halfway.

Hope that helps. Hang in there! Love yourself.
RP

[Idsrvt2]

Yes it's abuse.  I'm in domestic abuse counciling and she said my x was abusive.
I was shocked as I didn't really see it as abuse.

My x would sometimes say what he was doing was abusive... .so he was aware... .he also is in therapy. 

[roberto516]

I certainly encountered emotional abuse. But it was very subtle. Some examples: she would withhold intimacy from me when she didn't feel like it. But she'd always ask me to go places with her or buy her things and then she would offer sex as a form of payment. Then in arguments she'd be mad and say we don't have any intimacy together. she was very jealous of me talking to any females, and yet she got a back rub from a coworker once. In the beginning I went out with my brother to a bar (the bar was empty just like we enjoy it to be) and she gave me such a guilt trip that I didn't want to go out lest I upset her.  Then she went to vegas with her family (which they planned when she was mad at me so it was a form of spite) and I told her my ex cheated on me there so I was very nervous. Her response? "Yeah I can imagine. If you went to vegas without me I'd cut your you know what off." Then when she was our partying there I told her how upset I was because she never stayed up late or went out with me. That led to her threatening to break up with me until I apologized and promised to take her out more to nice places. Little things like yelling at me for not shaving before easter dinner with her family. Yelling at me because I was going to come over to dog sit at 12 instead of 10 like she wanted. Yelling at me because I slept on the couch because her dog always had to sleep at the top of the bed, and she wasn't willing to work with me to train him not to (but made sure I knew that it was evil of me to sleep on the couch). I remember our couples therapist even told her "I don't hear him saying he wants to sleep on the couch. I hear him saying that he wanted to work on a compromise that you aren't willing to work on."

As I type this I think "What the hell was I thinking?" None of us need this. But yes, emotional abuse seems to go hand in hand. They need to break down our boundaries and slowly devalue us so that we are completely dependent on them. That can't happen without the emotional abuse that breaks each and every one of us down... .I really do hate her for that.

[In a bad way]

It's defiantly abuse, I told mine long before I heard of BPD that she was abusing me.
At first she was always sorry the next day then she changed it to I was the reason for her snapping and abusing me.
Then when I told her some home truths admittedly in not a nice way via text at the end she turned it to I was the abuser because as she said verbal abuse is still abuse.
That's what I had been telling her for 8 months but it didn't sink in, she ended up using my own words against me like when I told her I was always walking on eggshells she said that she was with me.

[once removed]

hi Jej,

you sound frustrated, and these tend to be emotionally challenging relationships. if you are looking for advice in terms of navigating the hardships, i encourage you to pose your question on the Saving board, and we will work through it with you. 

[Jej]

Hello all, thank you so much for your time, thoughts, and advice. I will take it all on board. We have children, hence why I am working to maintain the family unit, but recognise it needs to be a happy, healthy unit. My partner says he recognises some of the things I've said, but is waiting for treatment to help him learn how to manage emotions better. That he knows when he has clarity and acts in the right way, that these moments are too few. I will continue to set boundaries, and reject abusive behaviours, and will post on the 'saving' board. Thank you again - am still trying to reach for that happy ending although I accept it may never materialise x