New UK member

[Roma]

Hi, I'm in the UK and have been in a relationship for 8 years with someone whom I am just now thinking probably has BPD. We live in neighbouring cities as, quite early on, I realised that, lovely as he is, I couldn't deal with him on  a full-time basis.
Hoping to learn some good strategies for responding to his angry, blaming outbursts.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

Welcome to the family ,
Hopefully you will also learn how to get less outbursts.  Also, this is a safe place to talk about it with people who "get it".  And surely you can teach us a thing or two.

[Roma]

Hi JoeBPD81, thanks for the welcome. I had a quick read about SET before the weekend and tried some of it, in so far as I could, on a couple of potential flare-ups. It's hard dropping the defensiveness and staying calm, but things went reasonably well, I'm pleased to say. I'm delighted to find this site and am finding the information here fascinating and valuable.
My partner doesn't have a professional diagnosis of BPD as such, but reading symptoms and people's stories here it's the best fit so far for me.

[JoeBPD81]

Hi Roma,

I have to say, I love your optimism. It is a fascinating field, I see it as finding depths of the human being that I never even imagined before, and at the same time finding simple universal concepts that help in run of the mill things and very complicated situations alike.  I wish we hadn't gone through pain, us and our partners, to know about this, but every bit of motivation helps.

Knowing and practicing are two different things, we have feelings too, and nonBPD people also disregulate when we are attacked. I still have a long way to go, but knowing this, that there are things I haven't done yet, that I haven't learnt yet, gives me hope. There is room and way to improve things.

A diagnosis brings good and bad things. I see men are more reluctant to being diagnosed and therapy in general, I'm no expert, it's just a tencency I'm observing. For my GF from day one it had two sides, and only about 3-4 months after de diagnosis and many talks, and reads, she's seeing it as a great thing, as a way to know and forgive herself, and then improve. From the outside, it only was good, it explained a lot of things, and helped me see a destination in all of this. It isn't needed to be comunicated to the person affected, but to you, it puts a lot of pieces in their place.