Need some advice and comfort in my situation

[l3ontakun]

I have been dating a girl who is suspected to have BPD by her therapist. When we met in person for the first time, we felt instant connection right away and she told me she never felt this comfortable around anyone. During this first day she opened up to me that she's in the process of a divorce with her ex husband that has been verbally abusive to her and made her feel worthless.

I was cautious with her at first because I knew she had her baggage and I listened to her tell me about her emotional struggles, her struggles with suicidal thoughts at times and even depression. I would simply just hug her, listen to her, and give her encouragement that she can get better and even got her to start seeing a therapist. As time went by, she opened up to me more and told me that she has never told anyone so much about herself and be able to trust someone to let her spill everything as she feels vulnerable by doing so. She would initiate contact by texting me every day, calling me every night and asking me to go spend time with her on the weekends. I tried to accommodate to her at all times and worked on communicating with her and telling her how I feel about certain situations where I feel dissatisfied because I knew she was constantly battling with her inner demons. Everything was going fine and I even felt that there would be a possibility of us having a future together after seeing her for about 5 months.

The problems started when she left for a short vacation for the first time. It was like she became a completely different person and broke herself off from the cycle of the daily texts and phone calls. She would send one or two word replies when I text her asking how she was, but even from her texts she sounded like a completely different person. We eventually worked it out when she came back. Then eventually another problem arose. Before she got together with me, she said she found excitement and a "high" in seeking out guys to have casual sex with and enjoyed the game of it. However, she said that it leaves her feeling empty and she wants to stop this cycle and better herself. Yet recently, I discovered that she started texting and flirting with guys again and would use social media to seek out new guys. She said she was going through her manic phase and she didn't cheat on me but she had a difficult time controlling herself due to her compulsiveness. She apologized to me and said she would speak to her therapist on what she can do. Once again we get past this through communication and we seem to be bonding well again. Then just last week, she decided she would go on another short vacation to see some friends for a week. Once again it happened like when she went on her last trip, she felt like a completely different person, she just stopped communicating. I texted her saying that it was okay that she is busy but at least send me a text telling me that is she okay once a day if she could. We made plans that we would go on a short trip once she gets back on the Sunday of the following week, but then she suddenly texted me a day before her initial return day that she decided to stay for another week because she felt like it. I got emotionally upset and had a fight with her because I felt like she was constantly breaking our commitments.

She started saying dismissive things such as she was not good enough for me, she can't make me happy and that she is not worthy of this relationship. I tried phoning her to talk about it but she kept pushing me away saying things like she's busy, she's tired and she doesn't want to talk. I realized she needed space so I asked her to tell me a time she feels comfortable talking to me and I'll wait till then. Each time she would make an excuse not to talk and it wasn't until we finally talked that she told me she was triggered and she felt that there was too much attachment and that she was tired of the relationship. The confusing part of it is that when she's not away on a trip, she would be the one that is constantly initiating contact and asking to meet up all the time. But when she is on vacation, she ignores me and refuses to give me any sort of assurance.

Normally I am a pretty secure guy, but all this pushing and pulling has made me anxious and by doing so it has made me say some emotional things to her like if she wasn't happy would she be better off without me. I apologized to her that if she felt I was not giving her space, she just needs to tell me and I can give her as much time and space as she needs. However it doesn't seem like she's taking any of it and is just angry and putting blame on me for making her feel suffocated. I am meeting her this Sunday to talk about us, it may also be the final talk we have as there is a high chance we may break up. I feel like I would want to try to amend things with her and try to work out better boundaries and communication between us, but at the same time relationships is a two way thing and if she isn't willing to, I will walk away.

I love her and I believe there is a lot more good in our relationship than bad. So I would like to know, what are some things I can talk to her about or what are some things I can do with her that can amend our relationship. I have already reached out to a couples counsellor. Or should I just forget about this relationship and move on?

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[Gemsforeyes]

Hi there-
You sound like an amazingly sensitive and empathetic human being.  This girl has no idea how fortunate she is to have met you.  Now ask yourself... .with the roller coaster she has placed you on during this young relationship, is this really what you want to endure for your future?  And you have not even seen a glimpse of the punishment that can be dished out by people with BPD.

My experience has shown me that when a person, ANY person, tells you that they want to do certain things (in her case, be with other men); in other cases, maybe not get married, it's a good idea to LISTEN.  We cannot change people when there is some idea that is driving them.

There's something else that bothers me... .I'm no expert on BPD, but I endured the brutality of a man with BPD for 3.5+years.  It got to the point where I was questioning my own sanity.  I forgave the unforgivable over and over.  He does not know what he has.  I finally escaped almost a month ago and figured out what he has about 5 days ago.  And I KNOW how to do relationships.  I was married for 19 years... .most of those years were happy. 

You're saying that she disclosed to you that she has been diagnosed with BPD.  Yet you barely knew her when she told you.  Is she using this as an excuse to behave in unpredictable and cruel ways?  Although her behavior is actually becoming somewhat predictable, don't you think?  Think carefully about this thing and whether it's the best thing for you because, and this is difficult to admit - but you are not equipped to help her. 

Please ask yourself a fundamental question.  Is this the happiest you can be?  You don't have that much time invested yet.  It's still early enough that your heart will heal relatively soon.  And she seems to be kind of toying with you - you have already shown her your forgiving nature.  Please know... .I am NOT lazy in relationships.  I twisted myself inside out trying to help my lover manage his rage and cruelty and repair his family relationships because he had some amazing qualities.  But in the final analysis, the nice things he did FOR me were nothing compared with the horrible things he did TO me.  It was ALL about him.  And it sounds like it is ALL about her.  Please be careful.  She will probably not take care of your heart.  And you won't ever understand why you are hurting so badly when you are trying to do everything right to bring her happiness.  I hope you will find a girl who will consider your feelings.  This girl will not.

I don't know if I have shed any light on your situation.  Please know that I wish you all the best

[Gemsforeyes]

Sorry... .me again.  I just went back and reread your post.  I had forgotten that she was going through a divorce when you met her (not good timing) and had accused her husband of being verbally abusive.  If she behaved toward him the way she's behaving toward you, he may have gotten hurt or angry or frustrated and perhaps raised his voice.  People with BPD don't seem to be able to handle normal types of criticism without going ape. 

You may also want to rethink the wisdom of involvement with a BPD person fresh out of a marriage who has expressed suicidal thoughts.  If you stay too long at this party, she may not allow you to simply leave when you stop enjoying the music.  Take good care of yourself.