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Author Topic: To bring up BPD with the undiagnosed partner, or not?  (Read 363 times)
HelenaHandbasket
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« on: May 12, 2017, 05:22:25 PM »

My brother is in hell right now with his wife, who we both strongly suspect has BPD (textbook case). They've been together for about three and a half years and have a child together.

My SIL has recently started abusing alcohol to self-medicate, which has swung her BPD traits into overdrive. My brother is living from crisis to crisis with me as his primary source of emotional support. Both he and she are in therapy, separately, though we strongly suspect my SIL is skipping appointments and not complying with her medication regimen. Also, she's the high functioning type and she's VERY good at putting on a "normal" face to the outside world, so we have no idea what she's told her therapist. Probably that everything is my brother's fault.

Anyway, that's background to my main question. Before he met his wife, my bro dated a diagnosed pwBPD for about a decade. When he got together with my SIL, he told her about this horribly dysfunctional relationship, and without knowing that my SIL *also* likely had BPD, he said some things about the disorder that he now sorely regrets. He wasn't as educated about BPD then, and he remembers once saying something to his current wife like "borderline personality is like sociopathy-lite" (he now realizes how inaccurate this is). The problem with this is that he now worries it might hamper his wife from considering that she might have BPD, or seeking help for it. If he'd known then what he knows now, he would NEVER have said those things about BPD, but the damage is done. The thing is, my SIL recently blurted out "you think I have BPD like your ex!" during an argument (even though my brother has never said anything about that to her and has been careful not to let her see any of his web searches/reading on the subject). This makes us wonder if she's come across some material about the disorder and is wondering if she might have it.  But because my brother has already said such angry things about his borderline ex, he worries that she might never be willing to truly entertain this possibility.

Is there any way to undo this damage?   
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2017, 12:03:56 PM »

From what I've seen here, telling an adult pwBPD that you suspect they have BPD has a bad outcome 95% of the time.

It did come out with my wife (I didn't say it, somebody else led her that direction), but I didn't disagree, or even might have said that it seems to fit or I thought it was the case once. (It was thrown back at me that I "thought she was crazy" or "said she was crazy" many times later.)

What I did was simply avoid the topic as best I could, and refuse to engage in a fight about this... .similarly to how I refused to engage in a bunch of other toxic fights about other topics that weren't going to have any useful resolution.

When talking to a pwBPD, or talking to others like family members, I've usually found that talking about specific behavior, or behavior patterns rather than mental health labels works a whole lot better; that is what I'd encourage you to do, and also for you to coach your brother if you are doing that.

"Undo the damage?" No, but the good news is that whatever was shouted at him in the last dysregulation will be put away and forgotten about until it comes up in another dsyregulation (which is likely enough). Just let it lie, and don't go looking for trouble!
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HelenaHandbasket
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« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2017, 02:49:16 PM »

Thanks GreyKitty!  Good advice all around. 
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escispectre
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2


« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2017, 05:12:17 PM »

I just joined today and posted my story here, but parts of it can give some perspective on this if you have the time. 

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=309805.0

My wife has known for many years all the problems I've noticed, and when I finally found and researched BPD, it fit her to a T.  At this point, however, she had already committed to go see a psychiatrist, and she knows I do my research, so I was able to "spin it" like the truth it is (sad, I know), and told her I care about her, and I was reading about this to better understand her and be there for her with better support.

I told her what I read was revolutionary in my understanding of her, and made me feel newfound compassion and empathy for her (all true, of course).  I then asked if I could share it with her.  She was triggered, yes, but reluctantly accepted.  I read the mayo clinic's description (have since found better resources), and she was triggered by each symptom description on the list, immediately justifying each one, and attributing to something other than abandonment and sexual abuse, etc. from childhood.  She kept saying those things didn't affect her. 

But we got through the whole thing, with only a relatively minor episode, and it was worth it.  It did take two sittings, because I jumped in on some of the explanations and tried to get her to see reason, which was a big trigger.

But if you can just get her to see a psychiatrist, you really don't have to say anything about BPD, if they are half decent, they'll see it very quickly.  I didn't say a word at her psych appt, but I sat back a little bit and mouthed some things, or nodded or shook my head when my wife hesitated in answering.  The amazing part was how my wife answered like she had a self-awareness I never knew existed, because when she talks to me (her trigger) all awareness goes out the window.

She really did well there, and I was impressed and proud of her.  The doc diagnosed her with BPD with co-occurring depression, eating disorder, etc.

That is when things got much harder for her.  That was two weeks ago, and she's been a 24/7 wreck ever since.  The guilt of the problems her disorder has caused those she loves most in unbearable, and I console her for hours everyday.  She bounces between denial and hopelessness and has a pretty big episode almost every day now.  Yesterday was pretty good, though.  She had her first DBT appt, and is already trying to practice whatever they told her, but it hasn't been smooth.

For the first time in 10 years, I have hope for the future.

So basically, having someone else whose impartial bring it up is better (if he's a main trigger)  and if she doesn't want to see a shrink, maybe she'll see a DBT certified therapist?

Also, my step-dads ex-wife has BPD and is considered like the pariah of the family, so my wife experienced something similar to your SIL, in that she pushed back on accepting it for fear she's the "step-dad's ex" of the family now.
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