Going to let go of the Hope...

[Doughboy]

Well, it has been:
55 days since I held my uBPDexfiance,
35 days since she finally was able to say that we were definitively done because she needed a relationship with a "true Christian" man to solve her lifelong relationship woes,
27 days since we last talked
18 days since she sent me a nasty horrible text saying I am the one that needs help and had mental issues among other things including that we would NEVER be together again. (You can search for my other posts to get some details.)

I have researched and learned so, so much in the last 18 days since my T told me to research BPD based on my description of her past back from 16yr to 45yr old.  I know that there is no future with this woman because she will not reach out and she is seeing a Counselor for just depression from her failed 2nd marriage.  No one in her family sees anything more wrong and her friends are not very close.

I have worn myself out in the relationship and with all of this reading/analyzing/etc.  I have a T appointment for me every week through mid-Sept already scheduled so I will be able to work through my issues in general and from the relationship.

If, IF, she every reaches out about rekindling I already know she will have to prove to me that Religion will no longer be a separating point.  It has happened twice now.  She will also have to agree to see a Secular Therapist for evaluation and possible DBT if needed.  Her agreeing to both of those are as unlikely as her every reaching out so I should be safe.

I am going to do my best to learn how to not invalidate, how not to be codependent, and how to support better.  These will be helpful for the rest of my life but especially valuable if she would agree to my requirements and I hop on this train somewhere down the road.

I will continue to pop in and read occasionally and learn skills but I wanted to thank all of those that have helped me to this point.  The dream has to die somewhere and this looks like as good a time as any other.

[roberto516]

I wish you the best. But when she was hesitant about getting back together I asked if we could commit to talking about our concerns, continue seeing individual therapists, and agreeing to see a cpuples therapist before we decided to end the relationship she told me "you want me to sign a contract if I want t try again." So based on my experience tread lightly.

I also worked better the 2nd time. More understanding, validated her anger outbursts and slow detachment. Then she said we should spent a weekend apart. I agreed. She then asked to spend saturday together instead. I told her I didn't want her t resent me as her initial idea was to have a solo weekend. Next day she asked what I was doing. Told her I was watching soccer. 6 hours later she messages me saying she doesn't want a relationship.

Maybe yours will be different. But tread lightly as I said. I realized the hard way that just because I did better didn't mean she wouldn't run wit her fears and leave me again. Just my two cents.

I've been reading a lot of articles on how love is a commitment and both parties have to put love in when it gets tough. I've finally given up hope after reading those articles. They can't put in love for any long duration. They do in the beginning. But they can't sustain it. They are emotional vampires. I had to accept that begrudgingly. Bevause it's true. They expect a perfect romance. No romance is perfect. We are doomed from the start

[Aesir]

But they can't sustain it. They are emotional vampires. I had to accept that begrudgingly. Bevause it's true. They expect a perfect romance. No romance is perfect. We are doomed from the start

They expect perfection from US. They on the other hand can be as hurtful and mean as they want because they are the victim or injured party ALL of the time.

[Doughboy]

I wish you the best. But when she was hesitant about getting back together I asked if we could commit to talking about our concerns, continue seeing individual therapists, and agreeing to see a cpuples therapist before we decided to end the relationship she told me "you want me to sign a contract if I want t try again." So based on my experience tread lightly.

That option will only be given if she reaches out and wants to try and redo a relationship.  Treading lightly will not be necessary because there would be ZERO chance of me getting back in without that happening by her.

The religion stuff is the same way.  Both times, at the end, she said she was feeling far from God and that I could not support her the way she needed Spiritually.  The final time she shut the door pretty hard saying she needed a "true Christian" man for the relationship to work. **Of course when I said "then it looks like we are done for good" she replied, "I won't say we will never be together again because I don't know the future."  She claims this is not a mixed message.  I disagreed.

My only lingering thought is this:

She has a fair amount of my stuff still.  I would like it back but I have no idea how to ask or even if I should. I returned all of her stuff, through her Mother, so there has been the opportunity for her to return mine.  I feel she is just being spiteful... .my T feels she is keeping it as a reason to reach out in the future... .

Not sure what to do on this.  Should I send a text asking for my things back or just sit and wait to see if I ever get it?  Should I wait 5 months and send the text then? 
 
I really do not want to break the NC... .

[roberto516]

I learned to let go of the possessions. All of the stuff she got me I threw out. But I'm not a materialistic person. Is there a chance that you might want to reach out eventually to ask for those things as a validation to break NC? Not saying it's your plan. But I know I probably thought of that before as a rationalization.

Just be cautious please. Never trust their words. Only actions. She could promise you the moon. But her actions might not change one bit.

When I was recycled I was on guard. Still did my best, and proved through actions my love to her. But I couldn't not help but prepare for the discard. Did that contribute to it? Maybe. It would have happened either way. But I'm just relaying my experiences. I know I so badly wanted to make it work, but after gaining all this knowledge here I knew the discard would come. And it kept me on guard.

[Doughboy]

I learned to let go of the possessions. All of the stuff she got me I threw out. But I'm not a materialistic person. Is there a chance that you might want to reach out eventually to ask for those things as a validation to break NC? Not saying it's your plan. But I know I probably thought of that before as a rationalization.

I really just want my stuff back. Some movie sets that are expensive and some clothes that I like because they fit well. As well as a suit.

Just torn on how long to wait to ask for it back. She knows she has it all.  Do I ask now or just wait a few months to see if she actually does reach out?

I am firm on my requirements to even consider getting back on the ride.  Some things are non negotiable and I can walk for good if they are not met.

[Doughboy]

Well, it has been:
55 days since I held my uBPDexfiance,
35 days since she finally was able to say that we were definitively done because she needed a relationship with a "true Christian" man to solve her lifelong relationship woes,
27 days since we last talked
18 days since she sent me a nasty horrible text saying I am the one that needs help and had mental issues among other things including that we would NEVER be together again. (You can search for my other posts to get some details.)

So, about 45 days since the I need a "True Christian to have a successful relationship" man email that ended things for good.

After that came numerous texts and phone calls by both of us... .some of which had her saying "I miss snuggling up against you and kissing your back" OR "you made me feel so loved and I don't want to lose you forever but I must do this" AND my favorite "Why can't you just believe in Jesus!".

It is like 28 days since the nasty text I received saying I am obsessed, I have mental issues, and to never contact her, her daughters, or her family ever again.

It seems like it has been at least 2 months!

I am only half way to the time period when she pulled me back in the last time... .This could be trouble because the more I read and research and learn I have not lost any of the Love feelings for her! 

Although, I have added that her Mother is a big problem in this stuff - past and present.  The uBPDExfiance told me and some others that her Father died from suicide in 1991 (we all knew each other from high school).  This is what her Mother told her happened.  Turns out that is not how he died!  He died of an alcohol induced hemorrhage of his pancreas... .he was an alcoholic and had tried to commit suicide 2 years previous.  Why would her Mother tell her this?  Of course I can never bring up that I know the truth without destroying everything.

[Kirkwood22]

Hi, I'm very new to this group but I'm sorry to hear that this is your situation.
I feel like I can relate to many elements- I feel like I'm still in the "hope" stage... .I'm probably scared to admit that it might be futile. I'm sure it's easier for us to offer advice to others because we are more detached from their situation.

I guess I want to say well done for loving her. For not giving up- I don't like the idea of believing that BPD is a life sentence, that feels too deterministic.
I don't have any experience of it yet but I do think if she could find the right sort of therapy this could be a very positive step for you both. But I'm sure this has to come from her- my experience is thar tjoseveith BPD don't like being pushed into things and they tend to run in the opposite direction.

I really hope things can work out for you.

[Doughboy]

I guess I want to say well done for loving her. For not giving up-

I will never be able to not love her OR give up on her.  Too many great things.  Sure there were bad/horrendous even tiring things but still... .

I don't have any experience of it yet but I do think if she could find the right sort of therapy this could be a very positive step for you both. But I'm sure this has to come from her.

Very true words.  She is, in my humble opinion, the quiet/high functioning/waif type so it is hard for outsiders to see. They see issues but attribute them to different things or deny the issue is a problem.  Her Mother is a full enabler and has some NPD traits herself.

As I have said before, I am just going to learn as much as I can about communication, BOD, stress relief, etc.  I am also going to take better care of myself.  If she comes back she comes back.  I can not do it the way it was.  She will need to take accountability and prove some things.  I will not waver on that.

Now I just need to get her daughters to stop texting me, ... .

[roberto516]

If she comes back she comes back.  I can not do it the way it was.  She will need to take accountability and prove some things.  I will not waver on that.

Everyone's path, and journey is different. But I have read enough here to know that they will never take accountability. If I was in your shoes I would probably be feeling alright because she is still semi-reaching out. So you are getting your "fix" so to speak. Outside of years of therapy, and a personal understanding that they want to do things differently in their lives than nothing will change. I just hope you are strong enough in case she does come back, and you do waver on your "requirements." Like I said, I had requirements. That all went out the window when she wanted me back. But you might be stronger. Regardless, I wish you all the best.

[Doughboy]

We have been NC since the nasty text.  It is her kids that keep texting even though I have asked them not to since the Ex told me not to text them.  That is tough though as they looked at me as more of a Father than their real dad... .at least for emotional support/advice.

I will be strong with her. That is not an issue.