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Author Topic: You knew you needed to leave when?  (Read 2172 times)
Rickybee
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« on: May 13, 2017, 02:24:21 PM »

When I walked in from work and saw her on the kitchen floor trying to cut her wrists for no apparent reason as i was lead to believe everything was going great and she was sane "shock and disbelief" but no... I stayed as i cared deeply and was scared to leave incase she killed herself and i wanted to try and help/fix as the empath typically does but no amount of love and compassion can fix these kind... so carried on a few more years and took all the gas lighting... manipulation... cheating... emotional abuse... lies... attention seeking... triangulation etc etc and waited for the final discard... I will be very careful not to fall in love with crazy and care about an abusive evil person playing the victim when infact really the monster... yes they are poorly and i feel for these people but i was so naive not realising this kind of evil was out there... all in the distant past now and very happy now almost 2 years NC out the fog and ignoring her attempts at a charm behind my replacements back Smiling (click to insert in post)... mind blowing complex life lesson... tragic but needed... only people who have been in a relationship with an abusive cluster b understand the severity of such matters... others think that you are crazy for having spoken about this subject in depth for any length of time... people who are aware know the truth and how very real this ___ is... .ill never forget what i went though but it has ultimately made me a better person and stronger and prepared me for future relationships with potential cluster b's and what signs to avoid... don't ignore those red flags people... .narcs and BPDs etc... unbelievably dangerous eh... .love x
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« Reply #1 on: May 13, 2017, 03:39:42 PM »

After she kicked me out because she wanted a "break" (she had a mystery "friend".  I had a hard time walking away, she strung me along for two and a half years while we "worked on us" which turned our relationship into a semi long distance relationship.  Due to financial reasons, I had to move to cheap rent so that meant I commuted 150 miles a day for work, did all the driving on the weekends so we could see each other... .she was fine with a couple hours a week.  Sex stopped, she reciprocated nothing.  I hadn't spent any major holidays with her for those two and a half years... .she kept making excuses to delay our marriage or let me come home. She did nothing for my birthdays. 

I asked for help, she would cut me off... .so we were on and off for those two years until I would break the silence.  All the while, she professed her undying Lov for me and couldnt wait for marriage... .and blamed me for our relationship failures and its current status.

I finally couldn't take it anymore last August, the stress of a five hour commute... .and then her wanting me to do it on the weekends... .and her lack of effort or any kind of intamacy with me... .I snapped and broke it off with her.  She said, "I love you and will go wherever you go" and "you always do this"... .and I haven't heard from her since.  She looks very happy on her social media (I admit, I still check her profile pic)

I'm assuming I've been replaced by one of her "friends who just want sex"

I was a wreck for 7 months (deeply depressed, almost lost everything)... .just now starting to stand up again.
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roberto516
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« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2017, 04:50:08 PM »

The day she raised her voice at me because I voiced my opinion calmly that I would like to see a movie that she didn't want to. The moment I asked to speak about her raising her voice and she said ":)o you want to break up?" Which turned the focus to her needs. The moment when we agreed that I would speak up if I felt strongly about not doing something, and when I did a few hours later she ignored me, and got mad that I was upset. The moment she yelled at me for not wanting to shave before easter dinner. The moment that she got tickets to go to las vegas without asking me while we were arguing out of spite.

And when I finally did leave was when my grandpop died, and she gave me a day and a half of love before telling me I was "cramping her style" because I was laying in bed next to her sad, and I had the tv on. Like a fool we rekindled that night and I offered to buy her concert tickets with me and she told me she already got them with family over christmas (when she knew i was absolutely devastated)

I should have left two months in with the movie comment. But I can't change the past. But typing this all makes me realize how much I despise her right now.
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“Pain and suffering are always inevitable for a large intelligence and a deep heart. The really great men must, I think, have great sadness on earth.”
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« Reply #3 on: May 13, 2017, 06:34:49 PM »

When I walked across the street from where I was and she knew I was to the bar she told me she was hanging out at to get dinner with her like we planned on doing.  I did not text her to say I was crossing the street. She hit me with "you stepped on my Boundaries and took the choice from me for you to be here, even though I'd have been happy you came if you asked." And "I understand you were trying to be sweet but you've taken away my independence."  My punishment for this was two days of her being "upset" and not talking to me.
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balletomane
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« Reply #4 on: May 13, 2017, 07:40:59 PM »

I was crying over a bunch of cruel and callous stuff he'd done, and I happened to catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror when I wasn't expecting it. I looked like an animal caught in a trap. It was hardly the first time I'd cried, far from it, but it was the first time that I'd really seen myself as an outsider might see me. I was briefly jolted out of my pain and into pure shock that things had come to this, that I looked so unhappy and so torn. That was when I knew.
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« Reply #5 on: May 13, 2017, 08:06:27 PM »

For the third time of receiving the uxBPDw punches and kicks at me on three occasions in six months I had it. The last occurrence happened when I was driving on the expressway at 65 mph and she not only starts punching me (with D10, D8 and S7) in the car but also throws the GPS and all contents of the glove compartment at my head. Also she grabbed the wheel several times. I was such a fool and so in love with the uxBPDw I admit I was nuts, I should have split and never look back after the cops lifted her over their shoulders after informing her she was being arrested for domestic battery on occurrace number... .well I don't know exactly how many total punches she threw at me during our 3 year marriage of devaluation out of the 10 year total. Yes, there were lots of years  of idealization and a about 3 shoebox full of I will love you forever cards.

I was addicted to her, I was in such sad shape. Finally after 2 1/2 years I finally broke away. Anyway, you know the story, you know the drill, the pwBPD doesn't remember anything and of course she never showed remorse or guilt, never will. She was simply ashamed, she felt ashamed that she ever married me, shame on me shame on yada yada yada.

I should have ran for the hills three years ago but instead I endured a living hell with the hopes of many reconciliations that ended up not with recycles but more devaluation.

Should of could of would of ... .the story now is that I am divorced, I have full custody of my children and she is spending tens of thousands of dollars of mommy' s money for the 37 year olds X's therapy at the most luxurious clinics in the US to stop her alcoholism and pill taking. I have mental clarity these days and thanks to NC or LC that gave me the space and time that I needed to detach and heal I am on a good road. What a long strange trip it has been.
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« Reply #6 on: May 14, 2017, 09:46:41 AM »

When she started a fight over something dumb which had (I thought) already been resolved. When I tried to back away from the subject she wouldn't let it go and starting arguing and blaming me over other things that I had either had nothing to do with or she warped into a negative. Some of them ancient. What started it? I said the wrong thing and it set her off.  I misstep  again on the eggshells and I cracked one.
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« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2017, 11:40:15 AM »

I knew I needed to leave when she would hurt me in making fun of my in a nasty way and when we'd have one of our many break ups she'd go out and sleep
With someone then tell me all about it

No idea why I stayed
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CooperD
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« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2017, 05:26:55 PM »

When she begged me to have sex with her so "that it would bring us closer together as actions mean more than words".

Within moments of us having sex she calmly and coldy said "that was rape".

 She then spent the next 8 hours torturing me by telling me she was going to go to the police to report me for raping her.

 I work in law enforcement myself and so she knew the devestation this would have on me - she was even sadistic enough to phone the pharmacy to ask for an anti-rape kit and google the address for the local police station in front of me whilst I begged and pleaded with her to not do something so evil.

Luckily and unknown to her I had turned the audio recorder on my phone on after she had said she was going to accuse me of raping her.  I still have the audio recordings on my phone and they are chilling and terrifying to listsn to.  They take me right back to the moment - the smile on her face and my anxiety.

Im over 6 months out of the relationship now and finally have my life back from that sick and deranged little witch.

Stay strong folks and agree completely these people might be sick but they can be life ending as the abuse I experienced almost led me to take my own life.







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Rickybee
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« Reply #9 on: May 15, 2017, 05:55:27 AM »

@copperD... .wow that is horrifying... .yes indeed that evil smirk as they are shattering your world... I wish I had recorded everything myself, although to listen back to these moments much be so scary... it really is quite unbelievable how cruel and evil these people are, so so dangerous, i have my ex blocked and im strictly NC... .although I still wonder often if she is doing the same to my replacement
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« Reply #10 on: May 15, 2017, 07:45:47 AM »

After my exBPD married lover inflicted yet more silent treatment on me for a week, then went away on a cruise with her mother and announced her husband had discovered our affair. She sent me photos of herself at my request while on the cruise and I noticed she looked more tense than usual.

When she returned home I asked her what exactly her husband had discovered and she said he had a programme that could download her text messages. When I said that was not possible, she told me she had changed her phone and somehow her messages had automatically downloaded.

I still don't know if this is true or not but it made me mistrust her especially after she announced that she could no longer see me as he was 'watching her like a hawk.' When I quizzed her as to which messages he had downloaded, she became vague and said, 'He isn't talking to me but I think they were old ones.' She then reassured me that he didn't know it was me - thus contradicting her previous assertion that he had discovered the affair.

I decided that was enough bullsh*t for one relationship (this the finale to an on/off 14 year entanglement) and I walked on the grounds of her unavailability and my suspicions that the whole drama was a distancing technique.
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« Reply #11 on: May 15, 2017, 08:53:37 AM »

Thinking back to my two year relationship there were 100's of times I should have left. However, we all know how difficult it can be. I actually left twice, so I will give you the two examples which actually made me leave. If only I knew about BPD the first time I left, I highly doubt I would have had to go through the breakup all over again.

My exBPD is undiagnosed. However, she is diagnosed with depression and anxiety. As are her two sisters and her mother. She always used to tell me how dysfunctional her family is (first red flag I should have known). How aggressive and horrible her mother and sisters are to her dad. She always used to say she just wished her dad would grow a pair of balls and just stand up to her mum and sisters. My exBPD also used to say how her mum and sisters used to tell her that she was the the most aggressive of the family... from experience I have to agree.

Anyway, the first break up happened during the early hours of Christmas Day. We had been out with friends on Christmas Eve for a few drinks. I got speaking to a couple of guys at the bar, she was not happy about this and started a big argument in the pub as I was not giving her enough attention. She then bought all my friends a shot but not me (I had been paying for her drinks all night). My friends felt bad and got me one back. Anyway, we had to go home as she was becoming verbally avusive in the pub. We walked home and I said let's just go bed and talk about things in the morning. At about 5am on Christmas Day, I was awakened by her ripping the bed covers off me and verbally and physically attacking me! She had been on my phone (I had to give her my passcode as she was always accusing me of cheating and by having a passcode she didn't know definitely meant I was cheating). On my phone she saw messages to my friends where we were all talking (joking) about sleeping with girls. This was bad on my part but it was just lads having banter. So, she went absolutely crazy at me, having out of my window threatening to smash my phone up. Screaming at me calling me a ____ (she often called me this during her rages). I honestly never witnessed such aggression from anyone in real life. She also saw a message from my friend asking if I was coming out (I hardly ever went out without my ex as this would cause anther argument), I replied to my friend saying I won't be out as I have to see my exes family which was a bit ___. So, my ex screenshotted all these messages on my phone, sent them herself, and then sent them to all her family and friends.

All these messages were joking with my friends in a private wattsapp group, but she screenshotted anything that was seen to be bad on my half, collated them all together and then sent them to all her family and friends! I split up with her at this point due to the invasion of privacy and the abuse, and also the abuse for me just speaking to two guys at the bar the night before.

As it was Christmas Day, I asked her to leave my home (which I had moved her into rent free) and take all her things with her. When I came back to return to my house as I went to my parents while she moved her things out, she had stolen my cats and all of my Christmas presents. She took all of my presents to her, her presents to me, her family's presents to me and my families presents to her! But it was taking my (out as she says) cats which really got to me.

Anyway, being the idiot I am/was, I got back with her after all this after a two month split, hoping things would change, they didn't.

The icing on the cake the second time was again verbal and physical abuse. We were out for a meal with my friends and their partners. I was talking to my friend and his girlfriend about work, this was infront of my ex whilst all sitting down around a dinner table. Because I was talking to another female, my friends partner infront of everyone, my ex wasn't happy. She pretended to tie her laces on her shoe and started hitting my leg under the table. After this as we all went for a drink, she started being really touchy feely over lads she saw out who she said she knew. I never said anything, but when one girl I knew from school came over to say hi and give me a hug, my ex then proceeded to become verbally abusive in another rage towards me. I took us home after this and she just continued to verbally abuse me. I highlighted the fact that she spoke to lads and also hugged them, so why was it so bad that a girl hugged me to say hi? Of course she couldn't understand this and continued with her rage towards me. The hypocrisy is what really upset me. It seems as though they can do whatever they want, but if you do something exactly the same, they see it in a totally different light and proceed to attack you!

It's been 6 months since I finished things. My friends inform me that she puts statuses online about pretending I'm dead, calling me a cheating ____ etc. Always posting things about how amazing her life is now. And quite recently she was posting about using online dating. Literally two weeks ago she was talking about being single and being on online dating. Then this weekend, she has posted pictures of herself with a new guy stating that he is the love of her life (after two weeks). He has also done the same... .I can't help but feel sorry for this guy as he has clearly fell for the BPD charm very early on! I know we say BPD relationships move quick, but two weeks and posting everywhere about being in love and putting pictures all over the Internet of them kissing? Is this something you have all experienced?


Anyway, they are my experiences. There are looads more examples I can give of what the relationship was like, but they were the two icing on the cake examples. I'm happy to see her with another guy now as this means she will stop posting statuses about me, however I can't help but feel worried for the new guy. Maybe he is BPD as well if he is posting that he loves her after two weeks? My advice, we need to work on ourselves and why we put up with such abusive behaviour! I have learnt a lot from my experience and I will forever be a stronger man. Please please please, anyone reading who is still in a relationship with a BPD, think long and hard about if it is right for you! I stayed in two years too long, and it was only just over two years altogether haha. But I have had my pets stolen, my presents stolen, my friends and family lied to about me. I have been the target of all her fanily and friends due to the lies and manipulation she told them! These people should have warning signs!

Sorry for the rant Smiling (click to insert in post)
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HopefulDad
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« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2017, 10:48:31 AM »

After about the 1 millionth time she blew up at me over something small and often nonsensical, then either escalated it into shouting at me in front of our kids or gave me the silent treatment for days... .or both.  Eventually she would always come around to "kiss and make up".  When the day came to kiss and make up, I gently told her I'm getting off the ride as this constant cycle of ups and downs was making me sick.
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Rickybee
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« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2017, 04:18:41 PM »

@hopeful dad, well done... all sounds oh so familiar guys... such a shame... its just the loneliness thats killing me atm
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HopefulDad
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« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2017, 04:44:40 PM »

@hopeful dad, well done... all sounds oh so familiar guys... such a shame... its just the loneliness thats killing me atm

Key phrase: atm.  The cliche of time healing all wounds does apply.  I and plenty of others on this site are living proof of that.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2017, 05:35:41 PM »

I didn't physically leave at this point but emotionally checked-out (which was the beginning of the end) when I was unable to handle her emotional reality that had no basis in the present moment.
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rarsweet
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« Reply #16 on: May 15, 2017, 09:45:05 PM »

I knew I was done when I was literally afraid to be home with him. I started realizing that where we lived was so isolated noone would help if he tried to kill me.
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LifeIsBeautiful
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« Reply #17 on: May 16, 2017, 08:50:03 AM »

When one day it sunk into my skull (due to some incidents) that I could no longer stay delusional or I'd end up dead or worse still incapacitated. You can only be manipulated if you allow it.
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #18 on: May 16, 2017, 08:57:23 AM »

That is so true about manipulation. The truth is people often stay in relationships because the pain it takes to get out of them is phenomenal. I have been way too casual in my life about who I give my heart to. I should have treated it as more of a precious gift than give it to unworthy people to stomp all over it. We have the power to change our lives people!
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AustenJ
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« Reply #19 on: May 16, 2017, 01:49:13 PM »

My diagnosed exBPDgf made love to me the night before she left on a 10 day holiday over xmas break to be with an ex who she had sex with because she always imagined him to the the one she would marry and have children with. After the 10 day sex holiday with the ex, she determined that he was not the one and neither was I. So she implemented a double discard when she returned and met our replacement two days later because he is different and is definitely "the one" that she will marry and have children with... .as she has been working on recycling me for the past week... .

Truly crazy when one steps back with a renewed perspective on healthy relationships... .
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lovenature
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« Reply #20 on: May 18, 2017, 01:05:55 PM »

I learned enough about BPD and my role in it along with looking at the REALITY of my relationship.
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RomanticFool
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« Reply #21 on: May 18, 2017, 01:56:12 PM »

Excerpt
My diagnosed exBPDgf made love to me the night before she left on a 10 day holiday over xmas break to be with an ex who she had sex with because she always imagined him to the the one she would marry and have children with. After the 10 day sex holiday with the ex, she determined that he was not the one and neither was I. So she implemented a double discard when she returned and met our replacement two days later because he is different and is definitely "the one" that she will marry and have children with... .as she has been working on recycling me for the past week... .

Truly crazy when one steps back with a renewed perspective on healthy relationships... .

And we are truly crazy for putting up with this kind of behaviour. If it wasn't so sad and painful their behaviour would almost be comical.
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« Reply #22 on: May 18, 2017, 02:11:47 PM »

I knew I needed to leave three months into the relationship... .
but I didn't. The defining moment was we were having a political conversation in my living room and I expressed I was for the other candidate. She immediately raged at me and called me a bunch of expletives. I know people can be impassioned about politics but this was BEYOND that. I was being called horrific names to the point I told her I wanted my key back and to leave my house.

At 42yo this woman screamed "You are not breaking up with me" and ran out of the house with my key and drove away. I remember standing on my porch saying out loud "What the F is wrong with this woman".

I could have saved a lot of money and heartache by just paying a locksmith $30 to change the locks and moved on. Instead, I took her back as she wept in my arms how she had been abused in life and didn't mean to lash out at me.

I fell for a vulture that was disguised as a wounded bird.

I will never dismiss my gut instinct again.
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« Reply #23 on: May 19, 2017, 08:44:03 AM »

Pretty woman-

My ex kept my apartment key for several weeks after she discarded me, and we work together so I had just requested that she put my key in my work mailbox. It wasn't until I took pictures and sent them to her of me tossing our shared love gifts off of my balcony into the woods... .that she finally complied. Yes, I was angry.  I don't know why she kept the key for so long, she had no  intention of returning. Since she did not have a washer and dryer, I suspect she still wanted access to mine and thought I'd be ok with that. I never did get back my key card to the complex work out center... .she's still probably using that at weird hours to avoid me... .

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