escispectre
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: May 13, 2017, 03:23:30 PM » |
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Just a husband with a wife (with BPD/co-occurring depression) and three kids, nothing to see here, folks, move along... . I'm new to this place, and not sure what to put here... .the things I've had to deal with over 10 years of marriage perhaps? I'm a complete shell of my former self, and that's sugar-coating it greatly.
I've sacrificed everything in my life (my life-savings, career, school, physical, mental, and social health, etc.) dealing with my wife and trying to help her and meet her perceived needs, and to just solve the problems that came with it. She said she would never get professional help, that "she wasn't crazy", that "if her husband wouldn't have said this or done this" everything would be ok, and to never ever ask her to get help again, because it's my fault, and I'm supposed to help her. All I did, in reality, was suggest it might be helpful and beneficial to our family if she merely discusses and considers the possibility of seeing a psychiatrist. "It's worth a try, I said, everyone can benefit from seeing a psychiatrist, and my psychiatrist actually told me this" (I have been seeing multiple psychiatrists, psychologists, counselors, etc. over the years, and no medication has done anything, except for stimulants, because it temporarily gave me more energy to attempt to meet her impossibly unrealistic and never ending expectations and "needs". Eventually, I self-medicated with alcohol, becoming an alcoholic, but only drinking a few hours every night when the kids were in bed. It really helped me escape from her without actually being away, though yes of course, it's not a healthy outlet and gave her another excuse to blame all her triggers on).
I was in denial for years, blaming myself, attributing her problems to "all women are like this" (they're not), and even suspected her episodes coincided with her "time of the month" (they don't). I constantly made changes to my own life, no more alcohol, no more porn, no more swear words, spend more time with her (never "enough" and the list goes on to infinity, though those were her most potentially legitimate gripes. It really only took a couple years to figure this out, and so I had all these workable ideas and plans that could potentially help us. Every idea I've ever had for the improvement of our lives, and our kids lives greatly triggered her and she shut them all down immediately, usually beginning with the kiss of death, "We might as well get divorced then!"
She thinks she knows what triggers her, "if I don't do those things" everything will be fine (it's not). She finds new triggers, she warps things in her mind to justify them as the old triggers that "I just shouldn't do". Example: Any suggestion that I want to get away from her is a massive trigger. The other day I was saying she could really use a break from taking care of the kids (she's a stay-at-home-mom), and that I'd gladly watch them so she can relax, go out with friends, etc. She shot back, "your not in any condition to take care of all 3 kids!" (I am, just not with her present). I replied, "Believe me, I can handle the kids" BAM, triggered! In her mind, I said "I can't handle YOU". that was one long night among many countless long and sleepless nights.
Every answer I give in reply to any question of hers is a trigger because "I always make her feel stupid". She even gets triggered when I look at her sometimes, because "it made her feel so unwanted"
I've seen her "try" to kill herself multiple times, and she threatens to kill herself if I leave her. She locks herself in the bathroom with knives and tries to cut herself, but has never been able to do it. She cheated on me a couple weeks into my first Afghanistan deployment in 2006 and broke the news to me on my Birthday. She is physically abusive to me (many slaps and fists to the face, though she's pretty weak, and it was just so scary to see her like that) We have many holes in the walls, though some are now from me as well.
She has shattered dishes and glasses and broke many of my favorite things, and destroyed cherished things I've bought for her, as well as sentimental things like photographs of our early and happy times together. She even flopped into a pile of glass shards she created when I tried to leave the room and she wouldn't let me so I carefully and methodically moved her slightly out of the way (the glass mess on the floor wasn't even remotely in the direction of her slight momentum). She's even threatened to tell the police I've been beating her (I've never physically abused her, and the only bruises I've ever left were on her wrists when I was securing them because she had a butcher knife and was making threats)
She went through a lot as a child. She has been Bulimic since her teen years, she was molested by 3 different people (no penetration or anything, but still horribly frightful experiences for her). Her parents separated when she was 6 or 7 for some months, but got back together eventually. Her dad went to another country for 9 months when she was 8 years old. She is very protective of her dad and he is a really great guy, but she does feel neglected and like he wasn't there for him, because he "had" to be working as much as he did, (full-time day job in addition to being lead pastor of two churches about an hour apart from each other)
I'm very protective of my family, and would rather look bad myself than have her look bad, if one of us has to. After I begged her to accept professional help (It was about 6 years in and I knew I was dangerously low on stress-response chemicals and catecholamine reserves) I went on with life trying to change myself and convincing myself the problem had to me, because she wasn't open to changing (she always says she is), but I had nothing left, and completely burnt out. I was bedridden for almost a year, and she happily brought me all my meals and took care of me. It made her feel wanted, or rather "needed", and she didn't have many episodes during that time. Eventually, I got back into the game of life, or rather "futile existence", and since that time, I've had about 5 or 6 complete nervous breakdowns. After the second one, I quickly saw the pattern, as I normally do, and I realized she was the common denominator, and sure enough, I've never had a breakdown when not in her presence.
The past 4 breakdowns I've begged her to leave and she knows It doesn't happen if she does leave, but she can't. She is powerless. She seems totally possessed by evil when she's having an episode. When she's triggered, I always try to take the conflict down to the basement (two floors removed from the kid's room), but she always forces it outside of their rooms, and there is little I can do if anything, because as soon as I say, "let's keep our voices down, lets take this to the basement. Please! Let's do it for the kids!" she immediately threatens divorce and to take the kids 1000 miles away to where her parents are, and starts throwing clothes out of her drawers and closets and packing. She says she'd never do anything to harm the kids, but she does, as her behavior is uncontrollable with her current skill set. Meanwhile, my 7 yr old son, or 4 and 2 yr old daughters are uncontrollably and hysterically crying and hyperventilating from fear and distress. It breaks my heart so much that anyone would subject a child to such horror.
She self-triggers when she wants attention, by bringing up things she perceived me as saying 1, 5, 10 years ago. When in her extreme states, she twists things around literally 180 degrees. I've said "I love you" followed by her saying, "Why do you hate me?", or "We should take the kids to the park together", followed by, "Why did you just say you hate taking me and the kids to the park?" (notice I said basically the opposite), or "I believe we should do "x", followed by, "Why don't you ever want to do "x"?", etc. etc. etc. These mental gymnastics are not over time. It's not like a year later she gets a quote backward, it's within seconds of me saying it. She believes she is right to 100% accuracy in her memory of quotes of mine and hers going back a full 12 years of knowing her. It's maddening. We've gone to couples counseling and it was a nightmare, I couldn't answer any questions without triggering her and having her interrupt and shoot everything down with her completely delusional narratives.
The only time I'm at peace is when she's asleep. The only successful periods in my marriage were once when we moved out of the military and she was living with my parents for 6 weeks (the "abandonment" of that caused an episode as soon as we were reunited and she accused me of cheating and punched me in the face (I've never cheated, though she has)), the other time was when she went on vacation for six weeks to her parents. She despises the fact that these were the only two semesters where I actually completed them, oh and I got straight A's and they were the weed-out classes (I've withdrawn, dropped out or failed out all 6 other semesters). I left my military career to study engineering). I left the best job I ever had (3 yrs working in applied research), and another research grant program I left as well.
I've felt like I've had nobody to talk to. I tried talking to my mom, but every time I do, she turns it around and points out my flaws or her normal daily stresses, "well it must be really hard for her to deal with the kids", or "you drinking 4 beers a night has got to be hard for her to live with, and you just need to see her side of it, and you need rehab". "Okay mom, thanks! I'll give up all drinking for a year just to please her like I did last year, and nothing will change at all, just as it didn't that time". Of course I start all discussion with, "Mom, I know I have a ton of problems myself that I'm working on and need to work on, but there's a bigger picture I need to tell you about... ." only to hear every time: "Yes you do! And I'm glad to hear you say it, because you need to remember that you are a big part of the problem, blah blah blah... .you were a rebellious teen, and I know how difficult you are (People can't mature and become adults and learn discipline etc.? especially after 8 successful years in the military?).
Well a couple months ago, the cops got called after I saw her dump 200 Ibuprofin into her mouth. I tried to dial 911, but accidentally hot-dialed her mom, who doesn't speak my language, but she had her son call my parents, who then called the cops. When she saw me trying to dial 911 she ran into the bathroom and spit them in the toilet. I was filled with utter relief and gratefulness when I saw the police pull up! However, when they pulled up, and I said "the cops are here", she freaked out and yelled, "this is it! We're done! I'm never forgiving you for this, I mean it! I'm taking the kids and leaving! Even though she knew I didn't call the cops or anything. Anyway, the cops were totally cool and didn't even turn their lights on, which I much appreciated as it didn't draw neighborhood attention. The first thing I told them was that she was threatening to blackmail me with her self-injuries, just in case she tried to. After talking to us separately for an hour or two, she calmed down slightly, and the cops literally directed us to do what I was begging for her to do during the last few hours, which was me go down and sleep in the basement and for her to stay upstairs so we can cool down and revisit anything the next day.
So that night my parents came up getting here at like 5 a.m., and my step dad was there, and I was glad because I knew I had to finally tell someone, because by this time I was totally convinced she was severely disturbed mentally, but didn't know how or with what, and I had tried everything possible to help or help myself and nothing ever made a shred of difference. So I went to a remote park and chatted with my stepdad for about 6 hrs and told him pretty much everything. He didn't have any advice on what to do, but I didn't need any. He said, "She sounds exactly like my ex-wife, who had Borderline Personality Disorder", this ex of his is the pariah of the family and has caused so much strife, even though she lived 1000 miles away.
I immediately started researching BPD when I got back home, and GLORIOUS LIGHT, my eyes were opened, I was beginning to understand this enigma for a wife for the first time ever! EVERYTHING I read fit her perfectly, and explained everything!
She was in her post-episode grieving period, since it was the next day, and I went to her and started crying, and asked if she could grant just one wish, just do one thing I asked. She wanted to know what but I wouldn't tell her without her agreeing. I told her it would not harm her, it would not hurt, it might do good instead. Eventually, she said "yes" she'd do one thing, and so I said, "I want to take you to see a psychiatrist" and she followed through!
So two weeks ago, we finally got to go to her appointment, and I stayed quiet the whole time, and she answered questions for an hour, and I was amazed! Where I had always seen a complete and utter lack of self-awareness when conversing with me, she had a profound sense of self-awareness with the doctor, the likes of which I didn't know existed. It was so weird but so wonderful! So at the end of the appointment, she diagnosed her with BPD with co-occurring depression, gave a script for 10mg Prozac, and told us to find a DBT certified therapist.
So we looked for hours each day for a couple days, and I read all about DBT, and everything I read sounded 100% exactly what I've always wanted her to change, so I'm excited! HOPE! After calling about 30 places we found a DBT person and found out they don't take insurance and they are the only DBT person in the area! (which means it can't be full DBT because no DBT team, and also doesn't do phone consult because it was burning him out). But hey! I'll take it! Couldn't be a better investment I could make, given the circumstances. These guys could charge $1000 per session and I'd still pay every time! She had her initial counseling session 3 days ago. Sadly it's only once per week.
Since her diagnoses things have gotten much worse (increase in frequency) and daily. She is grieving. She is struggling with guilt now over the strife her issue is caused. She is bouncing between denial and hopelessness. She read that BPD is often misdiagnosed, and she said this gave her hope for the first time since being diagnosed because it meant they might have been wrong about her. She's threatened almost daily to never go back to treatment at the slightest trigger, and she is struggling. She cries hours every day, and I spend hours consoling her.
I understand her now, and my compassion I had the first 4 or 5 years of marriage, which gradually morphed over the years into frustration, confusion, anger, resentment, hate, has almost instantly reverted back to compassion, and pity... ."It's not your fault, it's not your fault, it was out of your control, and we didn't understand it. You didn't do the things that happened in your childhood that caused you to develop this set of extreme tendencies. It isn't your fault" and she continues to sob... .
Help me DBT... .You are my only hope.
TLDR: I'm just your average dude married to a BPD wife for 10 years, with three innocent and affected children, lost nearly everything I ever worked for, dreams crushed, torturous existence, no big deal. She finally agreed to get help. Everything got even worse when she was diagnosed. Therapy sessions aren't nearly frequent enough.
-Average Dude
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