Hi Reenie
Welcome to the site and congratulations on your pregnancy!
You can find support here.
I understand that's a tough phone conversation to be a party to.
She said, "that's good" and asked a few questions all in an unenthusiastic, monotone voice.
Sometimes pwBPDs aren't aware of the needs of others. Sometimes, when you present a pwBPD with good news, the happiness and enthusiasm isn't experienced by that person for some reason. They then are unable to discuss it as you would when presenting a "normal" person with great news.
She then proceeded to talk about the current problems in her life. I listened and empathized.
Sometimes on a call when person A is looking for support or to share an experience of good news, person B doesn't get it. If person B is a pwBPD, then they may be even more likely to focus on what they're used to--getting a listening ear to help them with their own problems.
1. How do you maintain a relationship with a parent with BPD without them dragging you down into despair with them? 2. How do you disengage from verbal abuse from a parent with BPD without making them feel more abandoned? 3. How do you know where to draw the boundaries--when is it okay to say "no, I'm not going to call my mom (or visit her) because I don't have the emotional energy"? I would appreciate any techniques you have that help you deal with parents with BPD.
I'd like to share a few ideas with you.
1. It's a complex and difficult thing to do, but I think it's possible and you're in a much better position than you think, because you're not the pwBPD. I think it's about getting the support of a T to help you along. I think it's about realising that it's okay to let the pwBPD swim on their own. I think it's about recognising that people can only drag you into despair if you let them.
It's not really clinical but I would like to share this quote with you:
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
2. I think you're going the right way, because it's thought that "The single greatest power adult children possess is their ability to get away." (
link)
To disengage, you can go for setting a personal time limit for the call. Prepare this before the call. Recognise that pwBPDs face the abandonment issue chronically, and it's not your job to change them. I've seen that it helps people to understand that the pwBPD's issues preexisted the relationship--that is, her issues were around before you were born.
That all said, you can say something like "Hi mother, I've got to go because X. We'll talk later okay?" You can then enforce your want by using brief, informative, friendly, and firm statements.
E.g.
You: Mother, I've got to go because X is coming to fetch me.
pwBPDm: Why?
You: Because I've set the time with X.
pwBPDm: You're always too busy for me.
You: You're right, I'm busy right now, not always, so we can talk later ok?
pwBPDm: You are always pushing me away.
You: Yes, it can feel that way when a call ends, and this is simply the end of one phone call among many. I've really got to go, let's continue this conversation later.
From here
you can choose to continue the conversation or hang up the phone. It sounds pretty tough, but I found that if you can maintain a sense of grace when you speak in these times--it helps a lot. Doing it BIFF is an easy way to do this when you can't find it in you to be completely nice in the moment.
Best case is she is content with that, and the conversation will end. Worst case is she hangs up on you. The good news is--given her past behaviour--you can expect that from her. The other good news is that's it's going to be up to you to exercise the self-discipline of this. Whether that's bad news to you is also up to you, but the point is that the power to choose lies within you.
I encourage you to practice a few times before the conversation.
I'm interested in what others have to say about your third question.
I hope you find peace.
