Introduction

[Coloradomomof2]

Hi there, I'm new to this world, exhausted, and I need help.  My 13-year-old daughter was recently hospitalized at an inpatient facility for a full week after cutting, restricting food, and finally threatening suicide.  She had already been in counseling since about January.  My world was turned upside down.  The psychiatrist evaluated her thoroughly and felt she had some depression and BPD traits.  She explained extensively that a 13-year-old can't really be diagnosed with a personality disorder bc her personality isn't fully formed and that these were only traits, but that with help we could steer her away from the behaviors. I promptly picked up multiple books and started reading. 

That's when I realized everything they were saying about BPD fit my husband like a glove, even more than they fit my daughter.  He's in counseling now too but I'm at my wits end trying to parent with him.  She manipulates, he undermines every strategy I try to take.  He doesn't even want me reading up on this stuff bc I'm trying to "fix" her and that's a trigger for him.  He admits that he thinks he has BPD but won't stop raging and undermining.  We can't have a conversation about parenting without a rage.  He thinks everything wrong with my daughter is caused by me "abandoning" her by babysitting two toddlers who are very much in need and being raised by a single dad.  I apologized and quit watching them but he won't let it go. 

Finally this Tuesday he pushed me to the ground in a violent rage with the kids home.  I tried to leave and he tried to slam my arm in the door.  They were upstairs but he was shouting and they're excellent spies.  He has at least temporarily moved out.  I hate to say it but the kids honestly seem happier so far and much more at ease.

I want my kids to have two parents.  But I quite honestly can't stand him anymore.  It's been 19 years of a marriage where he can't even put his arm around me or say "I love you" because he's so uncomfortable with emotions.  I've dealt with it all this time thinking it was best for my kids but now I fear my daughter is learning these behaviors from her dad and the way we fight is not ok.  But then the other part of me feels so bad that he is sleeping Lord knows where while we are comfortable and fine.  I feel like I need to rescue him even tho it was his choice to leave.

I don't even know what I need but I'm so close to a nervous breakdown.  I am trying so hard to be strong and be a good mom for my daughter; I just can't deal with him on top of it anymore.  I feel like the glue that's held us together for so long and I can no longer do it.  I wish I could run away but I love my kids far too much.  I just don't know how much more I can handle. 

[gotbushels]

Hi Coloradomomof2 

Welcome. You can find understanding here.

I promptly picked up multiple books and started reading. 

I support you here. Getting a basic understanding of what the psychiatrist gave his opinion on can help you and your daughter heaps.

I hate to say it but the kids honestly seem happier so far and much more at ease.

I appreciate it's disconcerting to make this admission. But if that's how you feel, then it's not wrong. It's how you feel, and you can move forward from there. Sometimes when we have one person with a large amount of anxiety leave a space, you'll find that space achieves a sense of peace. That will hopefully give you space to work at making things better for you and your daughter.

I want my kids to have two parents.  But I quite honestly can't stand him anymore.

Given what you've shared, I would be confused too. Ideally, a parent would be able to have someone to parent with. It's thought that--under normal circumstances--it's easier for two people to share responsibilities for a child. If the relationship is difficult--and it's been difficult for a while--then it's going to feel difficult to parent with that person.

I don't even know what I need but I'm so close to a nervous breakdown.  I am trying so hard to be strong and be a good mom for my daughter; I just can't deal with him on top of it anymore.  I feel like the glue that's held us together for so long and I can no longer do it.  I wish I could run away but I love my kids far too much.  I just don't know how much more I can handle. 

I have faith you can do this. You've looked after a few youngsters, and you have some experience on what that's about. Sometimes, handling older kids is easier than the younger ones. You can be strong. I encourage you to have some self-compassion. I know what it feels like when you're the glue and you feel like you're "running out" of emotional steam. What helped me here was not to cut people out of my life, but to be deliberate about nourishing yourself. What that means is taking time to do things you enjoy. Focus on things that will make your life and your relationship with your daughter easier. Things like that. An easy way to look for ideas is to pretend your best friend is in town and then think of things that will allow you to enjoy your time with that person.

I hope to hear how your story develops. I hope you'll find peace in your life.