Hi Coloradomomof2
Welcome. You can find understanding here.
I promptly picked up multiple books and started reading.
I support you here. Getting a basic understanding of what the psychiatrist gave his opinion on can help you and your daughter heaps.
I hate to say it but the kids honestly seem happier so far and much more at ease.
I appreciate it's disconcerting to make this admission. But if that's how you feel, then it's not wrong. It's how you feel, and you can move forward from there. Sometimes when we have one person with a large amount of anxiety leave a space, you'll find that space achieves a sense of peace. That will hopefully give you space to work at making things better for you and your daughter.
I want my kids to have two parents. But I quite honestly can't stand him anymore.
Given what you've shared, I would be confused too. Ideally, a parent would be able to have someone to parent with. It's thought that--under normal circumstances--it's easier for two people to share responsibilities for a child. If the relationship is difficult--and it's been difficult for a while--then it's going to feel difficult to parent with that person.
I don't even know what I need but I'm so close to a nervous breakdown. I am trying so hard to be strong and be a good mom for my daughter; I just can't deal with him on top of it anymore. I feel like the glue that's held us together for so long and I can no longer do it. I wish I could run away but I love my kids far too much. I just don't know how much more I can handle.
I have faith you can do this. You've looked after a few youngsters, and you have some experience on what that's about. Sometimes, handling older kids is easier than the younger ones. You can be strong. I encourage you to have some self-compassion. I know what it feels like when you're the glue and you feel like you're "running out" of emotional steam. What helped me here was not to cut people out of my life, but to be deliberate about nourishing yourself. What that means is taking time to do things you enjoy. Focus on things that will make your life and your relationship with your daughter easier. Things like that. An easy way to look for ideas is to pretend your best friend is in town and then think of things that will allow you to enjoy your time with that person.
I hope to hear how your story develops. I hope you'll find peace in your life.