Working hard to keep detached

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi friends,

I've been working hard to get detached after a brief flare up in which my ex resurfaced and wanted me back only to disappear again. I fell down the rabbit hole and am still digging myself out. So far I've gone two weeks not checking her facebook or anything but today, the first mother's day after my mom's death, is super tough. She texted with lots of warmth and I appreciated it, but with distance too, which I know is appropriate, and it seems that she is back trying to make a go with it with her new (now old though-- they've been together almost a year girlfriend). We had a nice exchange and I'm trying to leave it at that-- not to ruminate and not to check facebook to get more of a full picture. It is tough though, so I wanted to check in here, asking for wisdom and support. 

[kc sunshine]

Hi friends,

I've been working hard to get detached after a brief flare up in which my ex resurfaced and wanted me back only to disappear again. I fell down the rabbit hole and am still digging myself out. So far I've gone two weeks not checking her facebook or anything but today, the first mother's day after my mom's death, is super tough. She texted with lots of warmth and I appreciated it, but with distance too, which I know is appropriate, and it seems that she is back trying to make a go with it with her new (now old though-- they've been together almost a year girlfriend). We had a nice exchange and I'm trying to leave it at that-- not to ruminate and not to check facebook to get more of a full picture. It is tough though, so I wanted to check in here, asking for wisdom and support. 

[Mavrik]

I checked in with my BPD ex gf on Facebook after all the 'you'll
Always be part of my life, whatever happens' etc etc etc, I posted a beautiful post on her page and she blocked me, which is a good thing as I can't see her page and what she's upto, and I'm sure she's blocked my number which is also good as I won't evenn bother checking in on her

There's your answer, defrirnd her on Facebook and block her on your phone

Or you'll do it again and again

And imagine if you went on her page and you saw photos of her with her new partner having a great time, how much would thaf hurt you

[RomanticFool]

Hi KC,

Welcome back to sanity. Sorry you are experiencing more pain. This woman is going to wrench out your guts unless you put a stop to it.

I was so in love with my exBPD married lover that I thought I'd die if I couldn't feel her, sleep with her, talk to her, hear words of love from her. Then the next time she disappeared for a week I cut her off Facebook and emailed her my pain. She ignored all of the pain but what really upset her was cutting her off Facebook. So from then on whenever we had a row I'd cut her off FB as a reflex. When we made it up she would say, 'I can't believe how hurtful you could be as to cut me off FB.' I used to laugh about it to myself. It didn't matter that I sent her poems, told her I was feeling suicidal, stopped talking to her, shouted, screamed, cried. The only thing that ever upset her was cutting her off FB. Some BPDs like to keep track. Some have a stalker mentality, even when they don't want you.

Cut her off FB, block her number, never speak to her again and meet somebody wonderful. You need never be in pain ever again.

[Larmoyant]

Hi KC, this day must be so painful for you and I’m so sorry. I’m also sorry that you fell down the rabbit hole again. Many, if not most of us, have crashed landed down that slippery slope. Do you want to talk about it? As for ruminating about your ex, well it sounds like she’s recycling the new/old gf who has also just fallen down the rabbit hole again. And, like you, will soon be trying to dig herself out. It’s a pattern destined to be repeated until she (your ex) gets help. Don’t let her hurt you anymore. Resist the urge, give fake book a miss. Grieving your mother is painful and you need comfort now, especially this day. Turn to people who can truly support you. I’m glad you posted. Here is a massive hug    

[kc sunshine]

Thanks so much for your responses, everyone, and for those hugs Larmoyant!

It was totally a slippery slope! I had the brakes on but I was sliding down nonetheless... .it was texts, and then facebook status comments and messages, and then the bottom of the slope was a phone call in which she was wanting (ambivalently) to get back together. After that phone call she went stone silent for about two weeks, and then texted to apologize for the phone call (a silence that was super tough on me). So none of it was an actual getting together but still we fell pretty deep into the hole. For me it was heartbreaking again, even though I knew getting back together was probably unlikely. For her, it was a mistake, something she felt bad about doing.

She is working on things-- she wants a long term relationship so badly. She was so sad on the phone that she hasn't been able to make anything work for very long  ("Is there something wrong with me?" she asked). She's done DBT before and now she is in AA (her mood swings are much worse when she is drinking). So maybe she and the new gf (who seems nice) can make it.

Hi KC, this day must be so painful for you and I’m so sorry. I’m also sorry that you fell down the rabbit hole again. Many, if not most of us, have crashed landed down that slippery slope. Do you want to talk about it? As for ruminating about your ex, well it sounds like she’s recycling the new/old gf who has also just fallen down the rabbit hole again. And, like you, will soon be trying to dig herself out. It’s a pattern destined to be repeated until she (your ex) gets help. Don’t let her hurt you anymore. Resist the urge, give fake book a miss. Grieving your mother is painful and you need comfort now, especially this day. Turn to people who can truly support you. I’m glad you posted. Here is a massive hug    

[lovenature]

Hey kc

Mothers Day is tough for those of us who have lost our Mom's, very easy to break NC when we are hurting emotionally. You, like me and many others have gone against our better judgement and it just caused us more pain. It is through education and experience that we learn how important it is to remain 100% NC (when possible) in order to recover.

Remember to show yourself compassion. Take care.