Mother's Day

[steelwork]

I'm guessing I'm far from alone in having a difficult relationship with my mother. Everywhere today are people celebrating their mothers, being grateful for how much love and support they've gotten over the years. Even the facebook posts of people who have lost their mothers make me feel less-than. A child who was not really loved, ever... .it's a bitter pill to swallow. I'm working very hard on feeling lovable, and also on acceptance of and forgiveness for my mother. Here is an article I randomly googled:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201705/adult-children-narcissistic-parents-and-mother-s-day

And, from it, here are some pointers for getting through the day.

1. Don’t blame yourself.

2. Celebrate yourself, whether you are a mother or not.

3. Celebrate other mothers you know who are loving and kind.

4. Focus on empathy throughout the day and give it to friends and family members.

5. Honor other women who may have given you motherly love and attention, like a grandmother, aunt, or friend. Let them know how important they were to your development and teaching you how to love.

6. If you are a mother, think about your own values and what you want to be able to give to your children to end the legacy of distorted love.

7. Make sure you are working your own recovery so you don’t pass the legacy down to your children.

8. Spend the day doing something you truly love to do.

9. Try not to buy into guilt trips from your family of origin.

10. Talk to others who understand the narcissism dynamic and can support and love you — and don’t try to explain it to those who don’t.

[heartandwhole]

Hi steelwork,

Thank you for sharing this. How did you spend your day yesterday? 

heartandwhole

[steelwork]

Hi Heartandwhole--thanks for asking. I went to a flea market, made myself a nice dinner, and wrote Happy Mother's Day emails to two women I know who are struggling to help their daughters right now. Didn't reach out to my mother, felt okay about it--mostly.

[heartandwhole]

That sounds very nurturing, steelwork.  Do you still feel mostly okay about not contacting your mother?

That's a great list you posted. 

[steelwork]

Do you still feel mostly okay about not contacting your mother?

Yes, I  do. It helps that my mother is not really the type to care about Mother's Day. The other thing is that she doesn't reach out to me much anymore, either. I think I got an email from her on my birthday, but I don't actually remember, and I might not have.

She's not the type of narcissistic parent who overwhelms you or takes credit for your accomplishments or wants you to
reflect well" on her. She's another type. She doesn't care about my accomplishments, doesn't feel proud of me, can kind of take me or leave me, apparently. My struggle recently has been in not going back to that empty well and hoping to find water in it. She's never going to change, and I don't have the emotional resilience right now to deal with that disappointment anymore.

I think Mother's Day is hard for me because I see reminders everywhere of the relationship I'm SUPPOSED to have with her. I know that's just an idealized form of mother/daughter relationships anyhow, but the pain is still there.

[purekalm]

Hey steelwork,

I'm glad you looked up ways to help yourself feel better on Mother's Day and that even though you're in pain you're learning to accept that it will never be what 'others' have.

My mom doesn't have BPD, and she does care if she receives things even though she says she doesn't. One year, in my early twenties I was at the store looking for a Mother's Day card and they were all mushy and about how great their mother's are. I didn't have that. She was always depressed, yelling, hitting or throwing things etc. I couldn't, in good conscience give her one of these cards. I decided to make my own. I specifically wrote that she was not the mothers on the cards but as my mother I wanted to respect her and wrote about how I came to forgive her and the pain I endured because of her and that I hope one day we'll be able to work through things. She cried and was angry and some part of her understood. She's still very controlling and doesn't see how she hurts me with her words, but I've come to accept, like my dad, she is the way she is and unless SHE changes I'll never truly have a relationship with her. I've already lost the chance at that since I'm grown. Since then, I've given her a joke card. Everyone knows I'm good for those anyways. 

We may not have mother's that we can gush about to others and share a close relationship with, but that's ok. It hurts, it really does, but we'll be ok. I have the chance to try and change that with my son and be the mother I needed. I've been a 'mother' figure to kids who don't have one or are abused by theirs and I believe that you can too. During special days it's hard, but we can choose to look ahead at what we can accomplish as the 'mother figures' we wish we had had. I know we both struggle with depression which makes it more difficult. I do believe it's possible though steelwork. 

Much love and respect to you and all those who have survived with/without the 'amazing' mother figure in their lives.  

Purekalm