Raising Our Own Kids

[Depression = 72% of members]

For those of you who are children of a BPD parent, and have kids of your own or want some in the future, do you ever find yourself worried you will be or you might be carrying some of those BPD characteristics on just because it was how you were raised?
Lately I find myself questioning whether any of that was passed on to me, whether I exhibit BPD myself and even whether my kids might have that kind of disorder.
Thoughts?

[wonderfluff]

For those of you who are children of a BPD parent, and have kids of your own or want some in the future, do you ever find yourself worried you will be or you might be carrying some of those BPD characteristics on just because it was how you were raised?
Lately I find myself questioning whether any of that was passed on to me, whether I exhibit BPD myself and even whether my kids might have that kind of disorder.
Thoughts?

[RandiDill]

Yep, all the time! This is a big reason why I haven't had kids - I'm trying to get all my own emotional/mental stuff figured out before I bring another life into the mix. I'm currently in therapy to deal with my anxiety that's been brought on by having a BPD parent, as well as healing from a lot of the emotional neglect I dealt with as a kid. I haven't told my therapist yet that I'm worried about how I'll parent my own kids... .I'm scared to say it out loud! But it's hard when I know the only example I have of parenting is what my parents did with me, and I don't want to be like that at all!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Wonderfluff:   

Good to hear from you again. 

Lately I find myself questioning whether any of that was passed on to me, whether I exhibit BPD myself and even whether my kids might have that kind of disorder.

Are there specific behaviors that you are concerned about?  Are you having problems with anger?

The articles at the links below might help answer your questions.

BPD - HOW CAN I KNOW

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER DIAGNOSTICS

BPD can be genetic, environmental, or both. It generally doesn't stand alone, as people with BPD generally have depression, anxiety or some other mental condition (s). Mental illness tends to run in families.   Most everyone has a BPD trait or two, from time to time.  The BPD label is attached, when there are a certain number of traits consistently.

Even families without BPD can exhibit emotional immaturity, that children can imitate.  There are a lot of tools on this website that can enhance your emotional IQ.  A good place to start, is with some of the links within the "Tools Menu", within the large green band at the top of this page.  Boundaries, don't invalidate/validation and managing conflict, are good lessons to start with.

Most "normal people" will acknowledge that they have issues to work on.  The problem with people with personality disorders is that they generally can't acknowledge they have problems to work on.

What do you think?

[Turkish]

Great topic,  and one which comes up here from time to time.  I had a long reply on progress, then my tablet auto rebooted... .

Suffice to say,  my core goal with my kids (5 and 7) is to be a better parent,  and to also ensure that they are better than I am. 

I don't want them to pick up upon my hermit traits.  And certainly not upon my anger and black and white thinking.

What traits do you think you exhibit that worry you?

[OddOneOut]

Yaassss... .

I, terrified of being like my family or giving birth to a child who would be like them, avoided having children until it was almost too late. Even though my son looks exactly like his father (good man), I felt a deep dread that he would have B/NPD and terrorize me for the rest of my life. For the first 7 months I couldn't help but feel paranoid that his passionately grumpy temperament might be my genetics coming through. He's 11 months now and I don't worry that he's like my family anymore because he's getting old enough to show his little personality.

I do worry about my own issues affecting his childhood. My biggest concern would be that unhealthy behaviour would feel perfectly normal to me because of my own upbringing, and that I wouldn't know I'm causing harm.

This is how I cope:

-I continue working on myself (journalling, introspection, counselling).

-I read about what children need for healthy development and make sure I'm providing that. I don't rely solely on my intuition about what good parenting is because I didn't grow up with models for that.

-I also look for outcomes of good parenting in my son. For example, is he meeting milestones? Is he secure for his age range? How does he react to things? Does he feel safe to explore? Does he recover quickly when I return from being away? (Learning about attachment theory has been helpful).

-Finally, a good, healthy, supportive spouse (or other support) makes a world of difference too. My DH and I agree to not sit by (enable) if we see something unhealthy going on, but to talk about it and negotiate a better way.

I hope this is encouraging to someone out there. I believe it's possible for adult children of abuse to raise healthy children, and to be pretty sure they're getting it right by watching their children for signs of trouble and signs that they're doing well.

Take care

[ciaocaramia]

Well, first of all I will say that I have never had the desire to have children mostly because of the mental anguish I experience on the day to day. I have to try ten times harder than the normal person to get through the day. I am exhausted at the end of the day. I have never had enough emotional space to foster a desire to add taking care of another human being to this. I'm 39 1/2. I realize now that having a child could mean a down's syndrome child, which would be even more foreign and taxing emotionally. I worry that I would have a down's child and then blame myself for waiting so long, putting myself in the age range where the risk is 1 in 350. Not to mention I struggle very much to have emotional connection with husband or anyone. I can force it and model all the empathy, compassion, caring skills but I don't "feel" anything. I never feel connected. I worry dearly that I wouldn't feel connected to my child and I would never want to inflict that onto a child. I am in counseling learning how to manage my obsessive thinking and how to stop abusing myself emotionally as my mother methodically trained me to. I'm praying for the day the skies begin to part and I can see and feel the sun. I wish you all the best as well.

[LittleBlueTruck]

Yes. I worry about it a lot these days. For all the things that went wrong in my childhood, I'm surprised that it feels quite natural to me to love and comfort my children. I do have some of the black and white thinking and there are times I exhibit some avoidant personality disorder traits (learned that from resources on this site). But I am pretty regulated and can always hear reason and logic. I really, really love logic. I guess I can see why now, since it was so often thrown out the window!

If a child WERE to develop BPD traits, when would those start coming out?

[wonderfluff]

I'm back and replying over a year later because unfortunately I was diagnosed with BPD this past week. I suppose that's to be expected after being raised by one but that was a rough bandaid to rip off. Unlike my BPD mother, I am moving forward with therapy and whatnot so my children (who are still young) can have the mother they deserve, the mother I wasn't fortunate enough to have. I'm not sure now if I belong in this forum because I'm both the family of a borderline and I AM one but I'd like to stay if I can. 

[Turkish]

People with BPD are certainly welcome here if they are seeking support for a person with BPD in their lives