Relationship Ended with Possible BPD Ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

My relationship of 3.5 months ended 2 weeks ago.  I'm 30, never married and no kids.  She's 24, married once at 19 and divorced at 20, and no kids.  She is extremely pretty (has modeled) and had a great personality and we seemed to click so well together... .at first. 

Little history on her:

Her mom left her when she was a child, came back in her life when she was a teen and then left again.  Her dad is paralyzed from the chest down due to a drunk driving accident where he was struck.  He's not her real dad, she doesn't know who her real did is.  She had anorexia throughout high school.  Diagnosed with depression and anxiety and takes an SSRI for it.  Has lived with 3 other guys (including me) since her divorce.  Heavy drinker.  Social butterfly and loves going out and drinking with friends, high presence on social media.  I'm definitely way more introverted.

The relationship was amazing in the beginning.  We would stay up until 4-5 in the morning regularly just talking and holding each other.  She initiated the first kiss and stayed the night with me the first night we met, we had sex on the second night, and she told me that she loved me on the third night.  She was living with one of her friends in their guest bedroom after splitting with her ex in September and I so smartly asked her to move in with me after the first month. 

The first two months were great.  Then things started changing.  I felt like I was constantly being judged and I had to always watch what I said.  She would get genuinely upset about things that were so small.  She got angry that I was playfully messing around with her for not being able to hang things straight, about not saying "hey baby" when answering the phone.  And her tone of voice and the look in her face when she was angry... .my god.  It's like I was looking into the face of someone who had no soul, I couldn't see or hear love or concern in her voice at all, I was the enemy.  When we were apart she was constantly texting me and lovebombing me.  I remember one night where I was upset about how she was treating me and I told her that I was feeling like I wasn't good enough for her.  Her response was "Awww, noo that makes me sad" and that was about all of the consolation she was able to offer.  When we visited my family in Colorado, she didn't ask them or myself any personal questions, or inquired about any of my history in a state that I spent 12 years of my life in.  She never even commented on the beauty of the landscape.  She frequently said "I loove being crazy" in a playful manner, turns out that was actually true. 

I felt something was wrong with this relationship from the very beginning.  But she was so pretty, had a good body and the lovebombing had me hooked.  She is the first girl I have felt genuinely attracted to for over a year, and I was going on a lot of dates.  I was hooked on her from the first night of seeing her.  But it was all a lie it seems like.  She use to say she would never leave me, that she has never loved another person as much as she does me, how I meant the world to her.  She talked marriage and wedding venues to my mom and sent her roses thanking her for raising the "best son ever".  I believed it all in my head, my heart was on board, but my gut was saying there was something seriously wrong with her.  I guess I thought that if I just loved her enough that she would be that same girl that I knew in the first month that I fell in love with.

So now I'm recovering from all this.  She got all of her stuff out of my garage on Friday.  She texted me during saying "Today has been a disaster.  The truck overheated and I only got one load in my car.  I might have to come back in the morning if that's ok", I didn't respond.  Twenty minutes later she says "Nevermind got everything" and I didn't respond, seems like she was baiting me.  I haven't spoken to her in about a week and a half and I hope I'm strong enough to stay NC if she tries to reach out to me in the future. 

It really sucks loving someone like this.  I genuinely thought I had a future with this girl, but I know that if we would have gotten married and/or had kids, this would have been a complete disaster and could have ruined me.  I'm trying to keep the bigger picture in mind, which I guess is really all I can do.

[Deadlift34]

My relationship of 3.5 months ended 2 weeks ago.  I'm 30, never married and no kids.  She's 24, married once at 19 and divorced at 20, and no kids.  She is extremely pretty (has modeled) and had a great personality and we seemed to click so well together... .at first. 

Little history on her:

Her mom left her when she was a child, came back in her life when she was a teen and then left again.  Her dad is paralyzed from the chest down due to a drunk driving accident where he was struck.  He's not her real dad, she doesn't know who her real did is.  She had anorexia throughout high school.  Diagnosed with depression and anxiety and takes an SSRI for it.  Has lived with 3 other guys (including me) since her divorce.  Heavy drinker.  Social butterfly and loves going out and drinking with friends, high presence on social media.  I'm definitely way more introverted.

The relationship was amazing in the beginning.  We would stay up until 4-5 in the morning regularly just talking and holding each other.  She initiated the first kiss and stayed the night with me the first night we met, we had sex on the second night, and she told me that she loved me on the third night.  She was living with one of her friends in their guest bedroom after splitting with her ex in September and I so smartly asked her to move in with me after the first month. 

The first two months were great.  Then things started changing.  I felt like I was constantly being judged and I had to always watch what I said.  She would get genuinely upset about things that were so small.  She got angry that I was playfully messing around with her for not being able to hang things straight, about not saying "hey baby" when answering the phone.  And her tone of voice and the look in her face when she was angry... .my god.  It's like I was looking into the face of someone who had no soul, I couldn't see or hear love or concern in her voice at all, I was the enemy.  When we were apart she was constantly texting me and lovebombing me.  I remember one night where I was upset about how she was treating me and I told her that I was feeling like I wasn't good enough for her.  Her response was "Awww, noo that makes me sad" and that was about all of the consolation she was able to offer.  When we visited my family in Colorado, she didn't ask them or myself any personal questions, or inquired about any of my history in a state that I spent 12 years of my life in.  She never even commented on the beauty of the landscape.  She frequently said "I loove being crazy" in a playful manner, turns out that was actually true. 

I felt something was wrong with this relationship from the very beginning.  But she was so pretty, had a good body and the lovebombing had me hooked.  She is the first girl I have felt genuinely attracted to for over a year, and I was going on a lot of dates.  I was hooked on her from the first night of seeing her.  But it was all a lie it seems like.  She use to say she would never leave me, that she has never loved another person as much as she does me, how I meant the world to her.  She talked marriage and wedding venues to my mom and sent her roses thanking her for raising the "best son ever".  I believed it all in my head, my heart was on board, but my gut was saying there was something seriously wrong with her.  I guess I thought that if I just loved her enough that she would be that same girl that I knew in the first month that I fell in love with.

So now I'm recovering from all this.  She got all of her stuff out of my garage on Friday.  She texted me during saying "Today has been a disaster.  The truck overheated and I only got one load in my car.  I might have to come back in the morning if that's ok", I didn't respond.  Twenty minutes later she says "Nevermind got everything" and I didn't respond, seems like she was baiting me.  I haven't spoken to her in about a week and a half and I hope I'm strong enough to stay NC if she tries to reach out to me in the future. 

It really sucks loving someone like this.  I genuinely thought I had a future with this girl, but I know that if we would have gotten married and/or had kids, this would have been a complete disaster and could have ruined me.  I'm trying to keep the bigger picture in mind, which I guess is really all I can do.

[Mavrik]

Sadly that's all we can do, look at the bigger picture.

I and many others on here had the love bombing and that we were the best thing and they loved us more than any other person.

Let me cut and paste part of an email she sent me and see it sounds familiar:-

Thank you so much for the beautiful card and the santa letter, so cute lovely of you.

Have a wonderful relaxed evening and I will be thinking of you lots all morning tomorrow. You will be in my heart every second. Well you are all the time anyway. You fill every single part of it, with the love I feel for you. You really do mean everything to me, like you say to me, more than  anyone has done in such a long time.

Lots of love, always yours, JJ xxxxxxxxxx

Does that sound familiar?

It certainty hurts but your better off out of it

[once removed]

hi Deadlift34 and

im really sorry about the circumstances that have brought you here, but glad you found us. it sounds like a confusing whirlwind of a relationship, and i think youre in good company. i can certainly relate to a volatile first few months, and feeling like something was off.

you gave us a lot of history to work with. what led to the breakup and who initiated it?

[Deadlift34]

hi Deadlift34 and

im really sorry about the circumstances that have brought you here, but glad you found us. it sounds like a confusing whirlwind of a relationship, and i think youre in good company. i can certainly relate to a volatile first few months, and feeling like something was off.

you gave us a lot of history to work with. what led to the breakup and who initiated it?

Thank you, I have been reading constantly after the breakup about people's relationships, and have just come across BPD and cluster B over the past couple of days.  Everything makes sense after reading material about it.

We went out bar hopping with some of her friends on a Saturday night.  We were playfully fighting in front of her friends when all of a sudden she got serious and called me a ___.  After she said that I pretty much went quiet on her which followed with her saying ":)o what you always do and shut down, real cool".  After I raised the issue to her when her friends left she started yelling at me in the bar.

We went to the next one and I had cooled down and so had she it seemed like.  She went outside with her friends (didn't ask me to come with her), she was out there for a long time so I went out and checked on her and walked out on her and one of her guy friends talking about her ex, she didn't know I was there and nudged her guy friend in an attempt to get him to stop talking.  At this point I was pretty fed up with how the night was going, she had a place to stay that night so I said I was leaving.  I went inside, paid my tab, and left.  She texted me with more of that same "Cool just shut down on everyone and leave" then followed up with posting a video on Snapchat where she was singing "Another love crash and burns" with one of her friends and she was completely hammered.

The next day she calls me and she says she needs some space and wasn't sure of the relationship, I pressed her more on it saying how she hurt me which is why I left, then I asked her about her ex and she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to be with him or not and that she missed him.  So I said well it's pretty clear then we are breaking up.  She was pulling over and puking on the side of the road on her way home.  We met up at a Target parking lot about 5 days later, I got my key, she initially was hostile, I asked her what happened with us and then she started crying and we had a pretty emotional exchange.  She said she didn't know why she feels the way she does and that maybe it's all because of her anxiety and depression.  She seemed a little aware that she has a problem.  I told her I loved her, said goodbye, and that was that.

Regardless, it's over, I miss her a lot and it hurts losing her, but I'm trying to keep my own health and longevity in mind.  Anyone that makes a commitment like she did and is so easily able to throw it all away like she did ultimately does not deserve a second thought.    

[once removed]

im glad you are reading up on the disorder, Deadlift34. it can really help to depersonalize (not excuse) what are some very hurtful behaviors toward us, over time.

people with BPD, in general, have a high level of rejection sensitivity (a high level of sensitivity in many areas really) and it sounds like when you were hurt, shed feel put out, and deflect. that can certainly be frustrating.

Regardless, it's over, I miss her a lot and it hurts losing her, but I'm trying to keep my own health and longevity in mind.  Anyone that makes a commitment like she did and is so easily able to throw it all away like she did ultimately does not deserve a second thought.   

i think its natural to miss and hurt over losing someone you cared for. my ex hurt me pretty badly, and though i told myself she didnt deserve a second thought, it did little to take the sting out of my wounds. do give yourself permission to grieve, and feel your feelings.

keeping your own health and longevity in mind, however, is a very sound strategy. i encourage you to work through the lessons we have directly to the right of the board -------> (or click here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263)

theres a lot to process here, and it will take time, but there is hope, and better days are ahead. in addition to reaching out for support here, which i commend you for doing, what sorts of steps are you taking to make your health and longevity a priority? are you seeing a therapist?

[Deadlift34]

im glad you are reading up on the disorder, Deadlift34. it can really help to depersonalize (not excuse) what are some very hurtful behaviors toward us, over time.

people with BPD, in general, have a high level of rejection sensitivity (a high level of sensitivity in many areas really) and it sounds like when you were hurt, shed feel put out, and deflect. that can certainly be frustrating.

i think its natural to miss and hurt over losing someone you cared for. my ex hurt me pretty badly, and though i told myself she didnt deserve a second thought, it did little to take the sting out of my wounds. do give yourself permission to grieve, and feel your feelings.

keeping your own health and longevity in mind, however, is a very sound strategy. i encourage you to work through the lessons we have directly to the right of the board -------> (or click here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.msg1331263#msg1331263)

theres a lot to process here, and it will take time, but there is hope, and better days are ahead. in addition to reaching out for support here, which i commend you for doing, what sorts of steps are you taking to make your health and longevity a priority? are you seeing a therapist?

Thanks.  I'll check that out.  I won't lie that it's been hard processing everything, I admit that I've been drinking over this which I need to stop.  I am not seeing a therapist, I really want to beat this on my own with the help of other people such as yourself who have been through similar.  I saw the red flags in the beginning, ignored them, and thought that things would be different with me.  I was going to be the one that was the exception for all of her failed past relationships.  I didn't listen to my gut and I've paid the price for that.

Now I just have to pick myself up and get myself back out there knowing that I deserve better than how she treated me.  It helps being in a relationship in the past where I was loved very much, so I am able to think back on that relationship and know what it's like to be involved with someone that genuinely cared and loved me 100%.

[once removed]

I am not seeing a therapist, I really want to beat this on my own with the help of other people such as yourself who have been through similar. 

this is your choice, but i believe strong people tend their mental health. you wouldnt want to beat a broken leg on your own. bpdfamily is an excellent adjunct to a therapeutic relationship; we can commiserate, we can understand, we can share knowledge about the disorder, but we are no substitute for an unbiased professional who can hear us impartially, and delicately point out our blind spots. many members here have benefited greatly from seeing a therapist in addition to sharing here.

anyway, just a thought.

i think many of us can relate to thinking we were/would be the exception to some of the behavior we witnessed in our exes. i learned, before we dated, that my ex stole from an ex of hers. i abhor stealing. i never imagined that after our relationship ended she would do it to me too. it leaves a lot of hurt to be treated that way, and we often spend a lot of time kicking ourselves.

Now I just have to pick myself up and get myself back out there knowing that I deserve better than how she treated me.  It helps being in a relationship in the past where I was loved very much, so I am able to think back on that relationship and know what it's like to be involved with someone that genuinely cared and loved me 100%.

i think this is a good attitude. a word of advice though: many of us get into these relationships, get over the initial pain, and then run right back out and repeat the same self defeating patterns. stick around. learn more about yourself, about psychology and human nature, and learn good tools for coping with stresses and pain in life. youll take those things into healthier relationships when youre ready and reap the rewards.

[Deadlift34]

this is your choice, but i believe strong people tend their mental health. you wouldnt want to beat a broken leg on your own. bpdfamily is an excellent adjunct to a therapeutic relationship; we can commiserate, we can understand, we can share knowledge about the disorder, but we are no substitute for an unbiased professional who can hear us impartially, and delicately point out our blind spots. many members here have benefited greatly from seeing a therapist in addition to sharing here.

anyway, just a thought.

i think many of us can relate to thinking we were/would be the exception to some of the behavior we witnessed in our exes. i learned, before we dated, that my ex stole from an ex of hers. i abhor stealing. i never imagined that after our relationship ended she would do it to me too. it leaves a lot of hurt to be treated that way, and we often spend a lot of time kicking ourselves.

i think this is a good attitude. a word of advice though: many of us get into these relationships, get over the initial pain, and then run right back out and repeat the same self defeating patterns. stick around. learn more about yourself, about psychology and human nature, and learn good tools for coping with stresses and pain in life. youll take those things into healthier relationships when youre ready and reap the rewards.

Indeed.  I had an epiphany the other day as I observed the interior of my house, now barren due to the all of my ex's things now absent from it's original placement.  I sat down on my couch that had nothing surrounding it but empty walls and past memories, the echo of the speakers of my TV now resonating in the room instead of being absorbed by furniture and decoration.

This is a defining moment in the evolution of my self.  I will grow, become stronger and more steadfast in my direction in life, or I will let this consume me and be my downfall.  

I want to live, and live well.

[Helplessly]

HOLY CRAP!   I can't believe what I've just read.

My ex-BPD hates her mother and believes her mother is responsible for killing her father, who was paralyzed (M.S.) for her entire adult life.  She love bombed me within 10 days.  Told me I was the best ever.  I can't take it anymore. 

[Deadlift34]

HOLY CRAP!   I can't believe what I've just read.

My ex-BPD hates her mother and believes her mother is responsible for killing her father, who was paralyzed (M.S.) for her entire adult life.  She love bombed me within 10 days.  Told me I was the best ever.  I can't take it anymore. 

Yup.  I wish I would have listened to my gut, I should have got online and researched her personality traits more but her beauty blinded me to the point of dealing with her irrationality on so many occasions.  I hope things are going well for you.  I'm just now starting to get comfortable talking to other women and have been putting myself out there.  It's rough but we're gonna make it!