Do I warn my replacement?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone,

Only my second post on the site but have read SO much and found this place an incredible source of knowledge.  Boy do I wish I'd found you guys sooner!  I want to thank everybody for sharing their experiences as it has helped me so very much in my own journey in recovering from my relationship with by exBPDbf.  Early days yet... .Threw him out 3 months ago, went to LC and have been NC for about 6 weeks now.  Anyway, I'm getting support for the domestic abuse I've suffered and am on the waiting list for counselling to help me with the emotional stuff.  Have done tons of self evaluation and partly through recognising my codependent tendencies and partly through seeds planted by exBPDbf am also undergoing a full psych evaluation at my own request.  I want to understand more about what made me get into this relationship and stay in it, as it's made me recognise patterns in my life where I've ended up in various types of abusive relationships so I know I have work to do in order to heal and prevent myself from going down this road again. 

My question is, has anyone warned their exBPD's new partners?  Despite all the 'I will never love again, I will love you forevers' etc. only 3 weeks after going NC he has a profile picture of himself with a new girl and I can't help but feel sorry and scared for her.  (Just to be clear, aside from the obvious addiction to this man which I recognise, I have been doing well with the NC and detaching however, need to keep some evidence of the NC towards a custody battle I now have as a result of the relationship - hence I can see when he adds a new profile picture on Whatsapp).  He may be doing this to provoke a reaction and to hurt me (which it does, but that's not the point) yet it's not the first picture of himself and this woman together that he's put up so it does look like she has been tangled in the web... .I'd be really interested in any advice or experience that can be offered up.  Can't help but feel like it's my duty to at least give this person the heads up if the opportunity presents itself and feel I ought to be ready either way and know what to do/not.

Thanks everyone and hope that I can eventually give someone strength as so many of you have for me.

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Hi everyone,

Only my second post on the site but have read SO much and found this place an incredible source of knowledge.  Boy do I wish I'd found you guys sooner!  I want to thank everybody for sharing their experiences as it has helped me so very much in my own journey in recovering from my relationship with by exBPDbf.  Early days yet... .Threw him out 3 months ago, went to LC and have been NC for about 6 weeks now.  Anyway, I'm getting support for the domestic abuse I've suffered and am on the waiting list for counselling to help me with the emotional stuff.  Have done tons of self evaluation and partly through recognising my codependent tendencies and partly through seeds planted by exBPDbf am also undergoing a full psych evaluation at my own request.  I want to understand more about what made me get into this relationship and stay in it, as it's made me recognise patterns in my life where I've ended up in various types of abusive relationships so I know I have work to do in order to heal and prevent myself from going down this road again. 

My question is, has anyone warned their exBPD's new partners?  Despite all the 'I will never love again, I will love you forevers' etc. only 3 weeks after going NC he has a profile picture of himself with a new girl and I can't help but feel sorry and scared for her.  (Just to be clear, aside from the obvious addiction to this man which I recognise, I have been doing well with the NC and detaching however, need to keep some evidence of the NC towards a custody battle I now have as a result of the relationship - hence I can see when he adds a new profile picture on Whatsapp).  He may be doing this to provoke a reaction and to hurt me (which it does, but that's not the point) yet it's not the first picture of himself and this woman together that he's put up so it does look like she has been tangled in the web... .I'd be really interested in any advice or experience that can be offered up.  Can't help but feel like it's my duty to at least give this person the heads up if the opportunity presents itself and feel I ought to be ready either way and know what to do/not.

Thanks everyone and hope that I can eventually give someone strength as so many of you have for me.

Love and light x

[happendtome]

My ex, who is BPD, replaced me with someone who is also BPD/NPD. And i did warn my ex, about everything what this guy has done. Drugs, cheatings, lying etc.
But nothing. Even my ex-s friends didnt seem to care about this. It didnt matter that i had facts. No one didnt care anything. Only thing what happend was that they got even more closer.

Still, it is difficult question. It seems logical that if we see abuse somewhere then we should react and try to solve problems.
But in reality, if you try to do something then no one really cares

[Mavrik]

Do you think she will believe you?

He may have already had her lined up when he was with you so this replacement may already know, or it may have ended and he's doing this to wind you up.

I wasn't warned by anyone and I didn't warn anyone aftef myself.

I wouldn't want to give him any ammunition to use against you.

[roberto516]

Well keep posting! That's for sure.

99% of my posts here are about the most recent relationship with a BPD. 5 years ago I was in another one, and that person had lined up her replacement before leaving me. It hurt terribly, but I started to move on. After I don't reach out for almost a month she reached out and said she made a mistake. Knowing what I know now they were probably fighting/had their first argument so she looked to me for validation. We then texted each other about our love, and some really sexual stuff. The next day my friend messaged me asking if we were back together because my ex had just put a picture on facebook with her replacement talking about true love and stuff.

I was actually pretty calm, and so I messaged the new guy, and showed him the texts. I warned him about her, but she was absolutely gorgeous. Perfect 10 in all ways. And heck, she lured me in really easy. So he wasn't going anywhere. She had convinced friends and family I was a lunatic (she had some validity to that. I was not a good partner in that relationship like i was in this recent one) Last I know they are still together with 2 kids and he works while she stays at home. I can't imagine he isn't trapped in a living nightmare, but has the kids now. At the end of the relationship she was trying to have me get her pregnant (what a relief I didn't!)

So you can warn him/her. But think about this. When you just started dating, and someone warned you what would you do? She told me all about her evil exe's so I know I'd think "Well this guy is just crazy, and realizes he messed up. How can this amazing woman be capable of hurting anyone?" Just my two cents.

[once removed]

hi Harley Quinn, and welcome back!

  happenedtome brings up an interesting point: often times when someone warns us, tells us to "run", what have you, it naturally pushes them in the opposite direction.

sadly, we cant save everyone. in my opinion, as former romantic partners, its really not our place to try. we risk looking vindictive (in many cases, we are).

and at some point, healing has to become about us. if we take warning to the extreme, our attention is focused on our ex, and the question becomes whether we intend to warn every person our exes come into romantic contact with.

the opposite of codependency is a well differentiated self. this includes recognizing that not only can we not save everyone, but that adults are free to make their own choices, and experience their own consequences.

[Hopefulgirl]

I tried to warn my "replacement" in a very passive way, actually I was ridiculously kind. I wrote and told her that he was a wonderful person but extremely impulsive and I had not given any warning of their relationship before it was revealed to me on facebook. Also told her how utterly heartbroken i was. Outcome is getting a text from him saying that she had told him that i had lashed out at her and that i was a disturbed person who could physically hurt them.  I was made into a terrible person.

After he abandoned this woman the "new" woman (an exgf of course) warned her about him and told her almost everything because she felt sorry for her.  So of course she ended up getting vilified, and instead of staying away from him she pursued him even more. Decided she wanted him to be her husband and pursued him again. So now they are back together.

So now this ex of his and I are now slandered by her.

dont do it.

[Whitelaw]

I don't think 'warning' will have any effect, BUT your words now may stay in her mind so that later when she has problems she realises it isn't just  her and she may take some comfort from that. I remember my ex reporting to me that his ex had said to him on being told he'd met me, ':)on't go making any promises to her you can't keep!' These words stayed in my mind and when later I realised that he was a fantasist and that his promises were indeed just words, I kind of felt, yes, someone else has been here before me and experienced the same.
So I guess if you are genuinely altruistic, it might be possible to stretch a hand of empathy out to the future. But as someone else said, if you'd been warned, would you have stopped? I know I wouldn't have - I was enthralled already! It would be years before I really understood her warning and it's implications.

[publicdefender]

I was actually thinking about this the other day.  My BPD's ex husband knew she was BPD but he didn't warn me.  At first I thought that would have been good to know, but then I thought that I wouldn't have listened and probably would have thought he was a bad dude trying to make her sound bad.

And think about this; she told me how bad her exes were on our very first date.  How many people here heard about the exes very early on?  I bet almost everyone did.  Not only is it part of the quick connection they like to make but it also safeguards them against people who obviously know they have issues.  She's perfect, he's obviously the problem and treated her badly.  Chances are the replacement has already heard how awful you are (I know my ex has already told people because of the shoulder check I got at a bar on Thursday and how many mutual friends disappeared off of facebook) and they're not going to believe a word you say.

[SWLSR]

Harley

I believe after reading your post you are a very good person. However you gain nothing from warning your replacement.  You were once somebodies replace did they warn you if they did, did you listen.  Your most healthy thing to do is to get as far away from this as you can.  In my case the one I replaced, replaced me 15 years later, what I discovered afterward was not only did I find out my then wife was fooling around with him after while she was married with children, but 15 years before she was fooling around with me while she was engaged to him.  It leaves you feeling really used.  I do not know how to speak to my replacement so I don't.  If he has not figured out how badly he is being played then he is going to learn the hard way.

[Panshekay]

What I have found is they don't believe you... .unfortunately it is there own personal journey.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks everyone for your considerate replies and sharing your stories.  I'm certainly glad I posted.  Your perspectives are really valid and I'm inclined to agree with the overall concensus that she wouldn't listen.  It's such a shame, as I know he will have selected her for her kindness and vulnerability, just as he did me.  I can now see that I was targetted for exactly those reasons and I do pity this poor woman for what she may likely face.  Especially if she has children, as both my son and the exBPDbf's have been removed from their homes as a result of his aggressive and violent behaviour. 

I wasn't warned by his estranged wife and do sometimes wonder if it might have helped me but thinking back now I was told very early on about her and how nasty and vindictive she could be.  Along with the fact that she was still in love with him, wanted him back and would drive a wedge at any opportunity so yes he is a smart one indeed.  No doubt I'm hell personified and that's been part of the sympathy vote he's managed to trigger in her from word go.  Poor unsuspecting woman.  From my own experience she will definitely be feeling like the sun shines out of her nether regions right now and be revelling in it.  Yes I'm wasting my time by considering 'doing the right thing' it would seem. 

Still, something nags at me.  Maybe the right word spoken in the right way just to let her know that if things start to seem strange in his behaviour to be on guard... .My conscience has a lot to answer for, not least my putting up with as much as I have whilst stuck firmly in the fog!  More than anything I wish somebody had pointed me to this website.  Perhaps if the opportunity arises I'll simply give her the name of it and leave it at that.  It's then up to her if she chooses to look or not. 

Thanks for all the support and keep all the great posts up on here everyone.  It's a joy to read the thoughts of so many others who have had similar experiences.  I finally feel less alone with the 'madness' that ensued when I was sucked into the vortex that was my exBPDbf's world.

Love and light x

[happendtome]

Harley Quinn, this is hard decision for you to make. I dont know how extreme your ex was, but in my case, my replacement was/still is really extreme.
So, even if someone would ask from me would i do it again then i dont know what would i do.

Yes, i didnt see any positive results. Yes, some people may think that im crazy ex.
But i feel that i did what was my duty in this society. If i see some wrongdoing then i cant pretend i didnt see that. Where would it end if we start acting like that?

I did my part, i informed her. Now she has open cards and she cant blame anyone in the future that people didnt tell. If she thinks she can change someone who is cheating, who is a thief, who is a liar then its her game. I havent told any lies, so i havent done anything wrong.

Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.
First they ignore you,
then they laugh at you,
then they fight you,
then you win
Mahatma Gandhi

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks happenedtome.  I've just had the realisation that in fact any consequences I could face from trying to help can't possibly be worse than what I've suffered already so really I've nothing to lose.  Literally.    

Yes he was extreme.  I already walk around knowing that possibly half the strangers I see don't even know me but have opinions on me, whether deep loathing for the 'awful person' I am or else sympathy for me from when he was wallowing in self pity about being a domestic abuser and telling every Tom Dick and Harry my personal business.  Sadly he is a very well known character in the area I live in and has many acquaintances, most of whom I don't know on sight.  So in fairness, people's opinions of me cannot matter to me or I'd be a total recluse already.  I just hold my head up and smile, although it took some guts to initially go out and face the world.  

As I said, I've encountered far worse.  exBPDbf (who started off as everything I never knew I always wanted) was in reality a physically violent, verbally abusive, controlling liar and would either threaten/attempt suicide or cut himself in front of me to try and get his own way through putting me in the FOG.  I became distanced from and criticised by my friends and family, had property destroyed and lost money hand over fist which has left me on the poverty line, my son was taken from my home and placed with his father (non, however a challenge in himself) for his safety... .The list goes on.  After I prevented him returning to my home with police involvement he begged me to take him back and assured me he would work on himself and aimed to get to a place where we could be together without it bothering anyone (children's services, family, friends etc.)  Clearly all lies as he has obviously moved swiftly on to the next receptive female who crossed his path... .That is unless she was already waiting in the wings as was mentioned.  Wouldn't surprise me.  He needs someone to drain.  

Luckily for me he no longer lives as close by so I don't run quite so much risk of running into him, which also means it's unlikely I'll see the replacement any time soon but I know the day will come.  I will keep an open mind about how I might deal with that and definitely keep in mind what everyone has said about the likelihood of success.  For me, I feel I do need to do SOMETHING, given the chance, to at least try to safeguard her, even if only to plant a seed she might later remember and could help to save her sooner rather than later.  I wouldn't wish my fate on anyone.  Guess the final insult has been getting replaced so soon and whilst this hurts I genuinely only have this woman's best interests at heart.  Although this may sound crazy to some, I forgive him for his wrongdoings and have no ill feeling, only compassion for him.  He is not a happy person to inflict this amount of pain on somebody, especially someone he claimed to love.  He does need help, but not the sort any partner can provide.  

Love and light x  

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Harley,
   I was friendly with my replacement before I was left for her. Her and I went for drinks and I told her how my ex cheated on me with other exes and I had a very hard time trusting my ex after the abusive acts she put on me.

This woman still went for my ex when my ex expressed interest. When I told her I still loved my ex the replacement told me to my face my relationship was over years ago and even I told her it wasn't working.

So... .
yeah, let her find out on her own. They won't believe you until they get burned and instead you will be painted a villain. It's not worth it.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks Prettywoman.  It's so helpful to hear others' stories on this and is all food for thought.

I am sure he has already told this lady that I am responsible for all of the things he is facing in life with the whole woe is me act.  There is little doubt as I got the same about his estranged wife when we met.  How she had put him through hell, done awful things to him, been manipulative, told lies about him etc. etc. etc.  She will have a very poor perception of me so I'm certain everyone who has said this is right.  I will definitely take it onboard. 

If I decide to be impulsive should our paths cross and the moment presents itself I think I will give her details of this website and let her come to her own conclusions.  If nothing else she may find some ways to make life easier by using the tools should she decide to stick with the relationship.  I know I struggle with an overwhelming Florence Nightingale complex and feel like I want to save the world... .Right now I also know I need to focus all of my energy on saving myself. 

Can't thank you enough for your input.

Love and light x 

[Portent]

You can try. The love-bombing phase in so intense that the replacement wont listen.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Portent

I love the way you describe it as lovebombing!  That's so apt.  It literally is like being hit by a nuke of adoration.  No wonder I succumbed to his pursuit.  Was the first time I'd felt truly understood, appreciated, 'seen' and so on.  She is having the time of her life right now... .

Love and light x

[Icefog]

I had several friends\acquaintances who knew my exBPD was unwell and they also knew that right from the start that I was on borrowed time and likely to get really hurt. They told me this later as I was picking myself up off the floor. If they had told me it wouldn't have changed a thing. I would have made the same decisions I made in the relationship. The lovebombing, her looks, her everything made it impossible for me to believe anything they may have said. Or I would have believed it was different with me. I have thought of this tactic as well and I think for me it is more revenge based or trying to be hurtful to her which doesn't make me a better person or allow me to heal. That and it could start something that I want no part of.   

[Pretty Woman]

Yeah. I know you want to "warn her" and I know at this stage you also are hoping if you warn her she will leave him and maybe he will come back faster.

I could be wrong in saying this (if I am, forgive me) but I know that's how I was and a lot of others on here.
You don't want to see this last... .and it might. We don't know for certain what will happen, but if he is truly a BPD the odds are against it. She may be a shiny new toy but he has the same personality and personalities don't change, friend.

They won't realize it until they experience it. I will tell you this... .their relationship may last longer... .

Don't ever think she's any better than you (the new GF).  
She may be able to tolerate his behavior (not call him out) be more controllable or maybe even a better fit.

By better fit I mean she may not trigger him. Never let that define you, friend. No one should treat you poorly, ever. If he did, you will realize down the road this was a gift.

I thought the woman before me was a rapist and stalker. My ex told me she had a restraining order on this person.

I believed it.

It wasn't until three years later, multiple break ups and threats of a restraing order placed on me did I realize it was all a lie but at the time I was very into her and felt terrible she had been treated so badly.
I was the rescuer just as my replacement was for me. Had someone warned me I would have thought they were nuts... .
Because she had painted them that way.

Don't put yourself in that position. Don't provide the ammo.

It's been two years since my ex waltzed off with my replacement. Took our puppy, moved in with the replacement, slandered me to friends.  By all accounts looks like her GF is FB friends with her sister, Mom (none of them would ever friend me and thought I was torturing their darling throughout the relationship). In my situation I work with her sister and my job has been threatened... .I was outed at work.
People are actually afraid of me at work because I was painted as a nut job.

You know that saying, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger (also a Kelly Clarkson song ? It's true. You will see it doesn't matter what any of these people think of you. You know the truth. It sucks, it hurts but they don't define who you are.

I've learned to be ok with people thinking I'm a little crazy. It gives me power. They aren't sure what my next move is and they stay out of my way.

That's best for us all.

After my relationship ended I realized I had a lot of horrible  people in my life who I let treat me poorly. As I grew stronger I let those fools go and you know what? All these people that accused ME of being dramatic, now that they are gone... .

Crickets.  They created the drama in my life. It wasn't me. I enabled them to do it though... .
You can say I've learned a lot about myself over the past few years.

Hang in there. Keep posting. It will get better. I still think about my ex daily. It's hard when someone betrays your trust, but I know if she knocked on my door tomorrow I wouldn't answer for I would lose everything, family, friends, dignity and frankly... .

She just ain't worth it.

Have a good night!
 

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Pretty Woman,

I'm so sorry to hear what an awful time you had and I must say deep respect for coping so valiantly with the work stuff.  It must be very difficult though working with a relative of hers?  I can imagine that must be a constant reminder of her and everything you've been through.  You're right on so many levels.  I do see all of this as a blessing, as horrible as the journey has been.  I believe everything happens for a reason and has a lesson we must learn attached to it.  For me it has caused me to take a serious long hard look as many have on here at myself.  My history of relationships is peppered with varying degrees of abuse and I recognise the codependent in me now along with all the impacts that has had on my life.  Similarly to others I've noticed some traits of definitely some sort of personality disorder and am undergoing a full psych eval to get to the bottom of that and tackle it.  More than anything I've learned about holding strong with boundaries and will take this forward with me into (if there ever is one) any future relationship. 

As for not wanting their relationship to last, I am happy to admit that in the back of my mind that must be true as it is definitely painful (as most here can relate to I'm fairly sure) thanks to the deep love and addiction I have for him.  However I don't want him back.  OK, so we all know I do but what I mean is I won't go there.  When I decide something I stick to it and I feel I'm too far into this and doing too well (as well as it gets at this early stage but you know what I mean) to slip and let myself down.  At first I was counting the seconds of NC, then the minutes, the days and now I'm onto weeks.  By getting to here I know I can make it out of this thing eventually if I keep moving forwards, as hard as it is.  I owe it to myself to get myself better and have a chance at a good life that is happy without all of the pain that comes with being in any way involved with him.  Being in our relationship was like being in the centre of a tornado and now I'm on the outside I can finally see clearly past all the turmoil. 

Last week I'm aware he tried to kill himself again. I had two withheld number calls, one on my mobile and one on the landline late at night which could only have been him - then the following morning I found a message from the ambulance service for exBPDbf asking him to call them immediately for instructions.  I realised this was because he must still have me on file as his next of kin so quickly resolved this by contacting the police to have myself removed as such and then carried on with my day.  I don't need to be hearing about any more dramas.  I know this sounds cold but I simply have to detach and not let him draw me back into the fog.  When I first got the message I was anxious and concerned but stopped myself getting in contact or asking for anyone to check on him.  The police understood my situation following the domestic abuse (there's a marker on my address) and were really helpful and kind.  They knew I was concerned so assured me he is safe and well as they'd been involved (often were when we were together - I know far too many officers for a law abiding woman!) so that relaxed me and I am certain it was an attempt to get a reaction from me.  Well it didn't work and I feel freer for knowing that I can no longer get those calls about his welfare.  Put it this way, if the worst thing ever did happen it is the very LAST thing I need to know about.  I hope beyond hope it never does.  But what I'm saying is whatever he now does regards his own well being is no longer my responsibility and I have to remind myself of that daily.  I feel quite proud that I managed to move past that episode without caving in, so I know I'm getting stronger.  It's about time!

Wow I've waffled on!  I'd better leave it at that for now but to say thanks so much for sharing and I hope that things are getting better daily for you.  I can really never read enough of everyone's thoughts and experiences on here.  It feels so comforting to not be the only one and simultaneously scary just how widespread this type of relationship is... .

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Icefog,

You made a really valid point that hit home to me, about thinking that it would be different with you if someone told you about your SO at the start.  That really resonated with me as I'm 100% sure that would be exactly my thought.  I am stupidly determined not to be beaten by any challenge (which has been ridiculously unhealthy for me on so many levels, causing me much unnecessary suffering over the years through failing to let go when I couldn't accept defeat) and you are absolutely right there.  If someone had told me about all the dark side at the beginning it would have made me more keen to be the one to change that and help him heal... .So on that note I thank you enormously as it has made me rethink acting in any way at all.  Should I inspire that same thought process in another that could serve to only make things worse for her by getting her to dig her heels in and stick at it for longer.  I stayed way too long and it wasn't a long relationship.  It was however full on very quickly extremely intense and passionate so had me in a tight grip.  You don't need me to say that though, as we've all been enthralled.  Funny thing is he said he felt I had HIM under a spell... .  Maybe the traits I've identified are hf BPD... .My psych eval will reveal all I'm sure.

Look after yourself.

Love and light x

[Idsrvt2]

My x warned me about himself and I didn't listen... .at first he took it back and said it was a lie... .  but when he dumped me twice , each time he said he was saving me from him... .I didn't believe him... .

Until I lay in a ball crying, not eating slapped with a protection order a false one.

Then I believed... .

[Harley Quinn]

Hi,

My ex didn't tell me about his diagnosis at the beginning so I took his behaviour on face value when he fell out with me over nothing and said he wasn't speaking to me any more.  After a week he came crawling back and we moved forwards from there, with him lovebombing me in an even bigger way.  I just thought he was in a foul mood that day and I took the brunt of it but looking back it was my first warning sign that I missed.  He did tell me he had social anxiety disorder which filled me with empathy and hooked me more firmly.  Only after a couple of months did the main diagnosis come out, by which time it was too late for me.  I was involved and being such a stubborn person who won't quit I'd already invested too much of myself to turn back.  That and the fact I felt so strongly towards him all I wanted to do was help and support. 

What you've said brings back memories though of some of our most difficult times when he would calm down later and send me all the 'save yourself from me' messages.  Boy I should have listened and got out sooner!

Love and light x

[StayStrongNow]

I would agree with those who stated you should not warn the replacement.

Remarkably, I have come a long way since coming on this board about 10 months ago. The more I learned about pwBPD and clearly connecting the dots with my uxBPDw that she is definitely has all the traits, her intrusive mother also the more I can detach and heal.  Of course she thinks I am crazy to say so, she has her many times in many clinics both voluntary and involuntary that they have diagnosed her with only PTSD, we lost our youngest child to a heart defect when our daughter was only 25 months old. But the X has all the traits, before, during and after our girl's passing.  The self harm of slitting her wrist when I fist met her, the other wrist after my daughter's death, the physical violence, the alcoholism, the prescription overdoses that all these acting out ways landed her in jail three times. The projection, the splitting the devaluation and the discarding and finding the replacement, third in a year are all good enough to me to know she has BPD.

My attitude when the replacement (first and last time he will) called me up (I knew he knew he is her rescuer now to plead her case for more visitation (I have full custody)), I didn't even let him speak.

I believe he is in the idealization mode with her and like me may be starting to receive the "I will love you forever" cards and letters (I got about 3 shoebox fills in 10 1/2 years of idealization). So I did what I thought a good non should do especially after the education I received here, I was as polite as possible. I wished him the best with the x and continued to speak friendly that he did not understand the circumstances, he didn't know her history and I wasn't going to JADE him. I closed by saying in a very friendly voice "and never ever call me again" and I hung up.

My attitude is that is I could care less about this guy, why should I warn him?  In fact I want NC or at most LC with the X, I just want to move on with my life.

[Turkish]

My ex warned me about herself during courtship,  yet here I ended up. 

I could have warned my ex's STBXH, but he wouldn't have believed me.  Maybe she warned him as she did me.  I'll never know. 

We all were "hooked" like those who came after us.  Looking at ourselves and understanding why is more fruitful and helpful to us than focusing on their future relationships.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi,

I'm in complete agreement.  Although I do struggle with my morals about protecting others, this woman needs to see her own journey through and hopefully like I will come out stronger and more self aware which will help her in her future.  I do still pity her but it isn't my job to intervene.  I took one small action which will not come back to me by mentioning there is a new person in his life to my social worker.  (No name given - she's a total stranger and the social worker didn't ask, simply ruled out that it was anyone who had already been involved in the situation).  If they choose to check on another human's well being or parental status that is entirely their own decision.  It was a valid comment as I was being asked if I was in contact and the fact he has moved on is a positive in respect of my son's residence.  I'm no more in control of what they do or don't do with that information than I am of what he or she does with their lives.  So my conscience is satisfied and I'm feeling at ease.

Thanks for the valuable input.  Every wise word strengthens my resolve to heal from this and keep moving forward day by day.  

Love and light x

[Dark horse]

You've gotten some great advice from others here so I'll just chime in with my opinions to reinforce what others have said:

- You should examine your motivation for the "warning".  Since most of us are trying to recover from being codependent "helpers" sacrificing ourselves for the theoretical needs of others... .sending a warning to me sounds like a codependent gesture that is only likely to cause "drama" (and subsequent sacrifice) for you, for really no gain on the other side.
-The new partner definitely will not value this input.  I love the "lovebombing" phrase - thats a keeper!
-It is possible (but not likely), that your ex-BPD partner will change or perhaps connect with someone else that will help them further down their pathway to recovery.  It is not for you to judge their next relationship, the capabilities or interest of their next partner, predict their future behavior or meddle in their life in anyway.  Recognize that this desire in you to "advise" is just another manifestation of your unhealthy addiction to this person.   Detaching from this is VERY painful (I'm going through this right now), but you have to do it.  Passing up this opportunity is a test for you of your commitment to your own recovery and healing!  Suffer through "not doing" and push yourself closer to freedom and your own personal happiness. 

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks Dark horse,

I hear you.  Since I first posted I feel I've moved through that desperate feeling of literally wanting to save this complete stranger from the same fate as I.  That is honestly driven by the fact that my fate has really been so incredibly awful.  Not that I like to complain - it's not in my nature as I try to see the silver lining and find positive blessings in everything - but to summarise some of the key impacts of the domestic abuse alone: I lost friendships, had extremely strained relationships with my small family, have ended up in poverty and my son was taken away from me and placed with his father who is also a narcissist however more covert.  I have to say, that yes I suffered violence and emotional abuse from my exBPDbf but at least he was transparent about it.  I now have a custody battle on my hands as my son's father is determined not to allow him to come home to me.  

At the same time, I am quite prepared to say that I still love my exBPDbf (may always do) however would I want him back?  No.  Still I totally accept what you're saying.  That addiction can't be denied so maybe a small part of my unconscious might want to sabotage this new relationship.  Logic has kicked in though now.  I've had a good think and taken on board everyone's wise words and experiences.  I have much to thank you all for in helping me through this dilemma.  I can safely say that the desire to warn her has left me.  I'm in acceptance stage.  Yay for bpdfamily!  Couldn't have reached this point without you.

Love and light x

  

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Stay strong,

I just wanted to ask you about the 3 shoeboxes of notes and cards.  What became of them?  Do you still have these?  I still have lots of letters and notes although they are put away out of sight.  Am interested to know if you kept or destroyed them and if it's the latter, any particular way that felt good?

Love and light x