The beginning of the end?

[nomore2give]

I've recently discovered that I'm in a BPD relationship.  After several years of marriage, 2 children and 2 years of personal therapy to figure out "what was wrong with me".  I believe I've finally discovered the answer.  It isn't me... .

Being unfamiliar with the topic, I was recently talking with someone about their divorce and they mentioned BPD.  After a little research I'm convinced it's what I'm dealing with.  I've been to couples counseling with my personal therapist but ultimately became so frustrated as it seemed to go no where.

The tipping point is when I recently learned of a 1/2 year affair she'd been engaged in with someone who I believed had been close to me.  I feel like I'm out of options and out of energy.  I've been emotionally beaten to the point of surrender.  I have no more energy.

I initially started therapy due to anger issues.  It was the constant blame, accusations of being controlling.  We would estblish guidelines for spending and the next day she would immediately deviate from the agreement.  She's had multiple transgressions of online/texting relationships which I ultimately excused at my own emotional expense.  Believing her when she said it was my fault for not giving enough attention, not giving positive attention, or being controlling   I've given more freedom socially and financially than normal wives ever request, meanwhile I've given up numerous hobbies, and lost friendships due to petty disputes that I now wonder if they were fabricated.

I could go on for days of the examples, the stories, the accusations.  I got to the point where I thought I was crazy.  The bizarre logic and arguments that just left me shaking my head saying "what the heck just happened"... .

To make a long story even longer, I just discovered she's been having an affair.  I'm here to learn, discover, and not be alone!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey nomore2give, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  Many of us have been through similar experiences with a pwBPD so you are not alone.  It's normal to be exhausted while in the throes of a BPD r/s, due to all the stress, turbulence and drama.  The first step, in my view, is to shift the focus to yourself; begin by treating yourself with care and kindness.  What are your gut feelings?  What would you like to see happen?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[nomore2give]

My gut feeling is I've really reached my limit.  I've been reading here and see so many that are crushed, lost, and unable to cope without the BPD.  I must be an odd man out as I have simply reached my limit.  Transgressions started early in the relationship - I learned she had been texting her ex 2 weeks before our wedding.  I had caught her several more times after that, usually it would happen about every 6 months.  This is the first time she'd gone to such efforts to hide it, and the acts that took place in the affair (think 50 shades of gray and beyond) have me disgusted and to the point I don't know who I'm even married to.  She told me about the events as if she was telling her best friend.  Details without remorse.  I have simply lost my patience and know I deserve better.  Unfortunately I live in a state with some of the worst family court laws for men.

So I am to the point where I am now investigating my options to best protect me, my career, and my children.

As far as how I feel - relieved.  I literally thought I was going crazy.  I started to believe I was a controlling a-hole.  I started to believe it was me.  I've started the audiobook how to stop walking on egg shells and I feel like the author is telling the story of my life.  It is liberating and I have new energy for life that I haven't had in a long time.  While she isn't clinically diagnosed, it's not important to me.  My therapist "blames" ADHD, but there is far more to it than that.

I will see what happens as things move forward.  I'm taking steps to protect myself.  This board will definitely be a source of sanity.  I don't think she is going to like my lack of engagement into the antics that have ruled our lives for 7 long painful years... .

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear nomore2give-
I'm so sorry for what you've been through and for what you're undoubtedly about to go through.  Based on what my exBPD man put me through for 3.5 years, and we weren't even married; and now realizing that my ex-husband of 19 years also exhibited similar traits- the road ahead will be rough.  But you CAN navigate it.  And no, you're not going "crazy ".

You are ahead of the curve with your awareness that she will NOT like any disengagement on your part.  So wherever possible, truly detach your heart and your body from the process.  If my experience taught me anything, it's that they will try anything to get you back if they feel you slipping from their grip and they are not ready to let you go.  You've got to do what's best for you and your children.

One other thing... .please don't allow her to disclose gruesome details of her selfish acting out and misbehavior to you (unless it helps with your divorce; and then just ask her to email her confessions so you can "consider forgiveness".  You don't need to hear that stuff.  Simply walk away.  You are allowed to turn your back on her.  Tell yourself: ":)octor, it hurts when I do this".  And answer yourself: "then don't do it".

I'm only one month out of this torture, and it's only been 2 weeks since he last texted me.  I keep reading the things I wrote to myself over the course of the last 3.5 years.  My love letters to him stopped after about the first 2 months, when his first rage came at me out of nowhere.  And I continued to forgive the unforgivable.  This man nearly emptied my soul.  I have a LOT to figure out around why I accepted this for so long... .

All my best to you,
Gemsforeyes

[nomore2give]

I think the most difficult thing to process for me is the fact they say there is no malicious intent - while everything seems so premeditated and planned - even though I know my wife doesn't have type of brain or attention span that would allow her to orchestrate such a drawn out evil plan!

[Gemsforeyes]

I'm not so sure about the no malicious intent part.  I DO know that my ex BPD man does have the ability to self-regulate when he wants to.  For instance, he has maintained a very important job for over 10 years and has NEVER once displayed any of these behaviors at work or he would have been GONE GONE GONE.  I know he has walked from numerous prior positions in anger because this or that person was an "a*^hole".  But this in an incredible position and he knows it is too great to lose!

I have taught him to keep it together in front of his elderly mother and certain other people.  I became "safe" enough for him to target for abuse.  And the words he chose... .the topics he chose were most certainly chosen Maliciously in order to deliver the deepest pain possible.  And he would keep it together during times he knew he needed my assistance with something.  At times no control, but other times, at least in my guy's orbit, he'd measure what was in his best interest before he'd let Loose on me.

Just my experience, though.  Ouch!

[Inneedofhelp]

Welcome! So glad you made it here as I did about 2 months ago. It has been so supportive to know there are others going through the same things, and although we still have to do the hard work of making it through our interactions on our own, I have found such valuable advice and learning through everyone's responses and the resources.
I'm so sorry it has been so difficult. Unfortunately your story sounds so familiar. The FOG that is discussed in the resources is so powerful that we as the spouses really do question ourselves because they make it so believeable that we are the cause of their rage and accusations. In reality though as the FOG clears, we find that we have taken so much of the blame when we have been trying our hardest to help the situation.
It is extra difficult with children-how old are yours? (Mine are D8 and S12). I think they are the reason I stayed for so long-I thought I could fix it all for us as a family, and then even after it was obvious that stbxBPDh and I couldn't make our marriage work, I still tried my best for years to take the blame and adjust until I was literally "walking on eggshells" because I thought it was shielding the children from his illness.
If you are anything like me, with so much invested and so exhausted from this lifestyle this question is difficult... .but what do YOU want? What do you think would be best for your children?

[nomore2give]

Honestly - I haven't decided completely.  I really need to process this discovery and think things through.  I'm not sure if it's difficult but my wife really struggles with basic life skills.  Organizing mail, keeping the kids things organized, handling paperwork from school.  She's not taken my D4 todamce class before because she'd already made the trip to that town 2 times that day and didn't feel like it.  I bathe the children, brush their teeth, put them to bed, take them to activity practices, do their homework, etc etc.  but if you asked her, she does it all and I do nothing.  (I heard it for a long time.).  My concern is the girls (4&6) if they live with her full time.  She's NEVER cooked them a single dinner.  Yes - warmed up ravioli or green beans - but never once cooked actual raw food from start to finish for dinner.  Oddly - this stuff didn't surface until later in the relationship.  I have serious concern for their welfare and training for life skills if they are with her too much.  That and inevitable exposure to her erratic lifestyle.  Ultimately I know they would eventually be back after the novelty wore off.  All she wanted for Mother's Day was time AWAY from the kids.  More than a couple hours with them and she can't function.  She's stressed as they are distracting her from her phone or television shows.  But if I mention any of these things, I'm accusing her of not loving her kids or being a bad mom... .

[40days_in_desert]

Welcome nomore2give! You are not alone and your story seems very much like mine. You are not alone. The only difference is that she left and not me but the ex bf (who she left me for), me doing everything for the (5) kids (last 2 years anyway), convincing me to go to therapy for anger/control, convincing me that I was the problem, deviating from our budget and not being able to follow through with things were all factors in my situation too. I wasn't all or near perfect but realize as time passed that my actions and responses had exponential negative effects on her that would not normally be the case with non-BPD. Come to find out, I'm a good guy with a big heart as I'm sure you are as well. You'll find that reading other people's stories here will help lift the FOG.

[nomore2give]

Is daily life struggle common with BPD?- always losing keys, credit cards, kids clothing/shoes, everything is in complete disarray - clean but total chaos.  My T still categorizes her as ADD and will not bite on BPD whatsoever - even after the extreme nature of her affair and lack of any visible guilt thereafter - other than being sorry she got caught.  Al the signs are there except the suicidal/cutting portion.  He almost dodges when I bring it up.  "Let's not worry about that - let's focus on you".  (He's seen us as a couple and both individually) - perhaps he can't say?

[40days_in_desert]

My ex has taken meds for ADD for over 20 years. She use to keep a clean house and knew where things were. The last 5 years or more was the opposite. She was more the one of not following through with anything. She had ideas of what she wanted to do and then either never start (most of the time) or stopping shortly after starting and blaming the failure on someone or something else. And late... .always late. Not 10-15 min late. More like 1-3 hours late and got mad when asked about why she was late. Then said that I was controlling. My ex is undiagnosed but has demonstrated all but one BPD trait consistently for most of our 17 years together. And still does... .it's just easier to spot now. To answer your question about normal, I don't think anything on these boards is normal behavior. Bizarre but not normal. For me, it helps to know how to understand what she is struggling with and how to communicate with her to minimize the extremes since we have 5 children together. For me and our children's well being.

[Gemsforeyes]

My ex-BPD man misplaced his wallet and keys constantly and yelled at me about it.  I keep a bowl near the door to the garage and for 3.5 years suggested that he place his keys in the bowl with my keys - NEVER happened.  That would be too easy.  He would lose paper work, would NOT read a thing - I was responsible for everything.  If if he deemed something "important", I had to drop whatever I was doing (especially my work) or a screaming rage would ensue straightaway.

He would break things in my house and not tell me... .I would find the broken pieces and then ask him about it.  I found a $150 dress of mine crumpled up in the garage with huge rust stains on it.  I was looking for a paint brush on a shelf and there was my dress!  My employer gave me a $250 Visa gift card for Christmas and he took it out of my wallet, along with the $100 Target card his mom gave me.  I went nuts searching the house for those cards as he watched me.  I finally looked at him and said, "I know they were in my purse".  He said "they were.  I was mad at you so I took them".  The next week he gave the Visa gift card back to me; and about 6 months later he gave me a $100 Target card.  There is SO MUCH more that I never got back.  And when I caught him in a lie and asked why he felt compelled to lie, he'd pull out this child's voice and say "but I'm just a little boy".  He's now 59 years old.  But of course he likes to tell me he looks like he's in his early 40's. 

And some of the other lies, my GOD... .what is WRONG with ME?  What made me think I should forgive ANY of the things he did?  ANY of the horrible names he called me?   These are my real questions.  But I guess my answer is that I was 2.5 years out of a very painful separation (violent ending); divorce was final 9 months before we met, living in an unfamiliar place where I knew no one, he saw my fragility and he hooked me in big time.  And I  kept waiting for the prince I first met to return.  And he kept apologizing, threatening to leave, left, but ALWAYS came right back begging forgiveness.

I am a foolish foolish girl... .

[nomore2give]

Interesting - and comforting to hear.  I'm a bit cluttered, but clean.  I have a messy desk but knows where everything is.  Everytime we are about to leave and go somewhere we play "find the X".  She too is always late.  Irregardless of the task or distance to the destination, it only takes 15 minutes to complete, or get there - but always starts 5 minutes before.  If she has a commitment with friends, she usually starts getting in the shower 5-10 minutes before she's supposed to meet them.

Now being aware of what is going on we had an interesting incident.  I was coming home from working out of town - 3.5+ hour drive.  She was visitng family so I stopped there on the way home.  As we were leaving she says "shoot I don't have any car seats".  Of course - this irritated me because I knew it would somehow fall on me - and she was already there with the kids!.  I just shook my head as she was asking me 10 different questions about what we should do to get them home.  Instead of saying what I wanted to say - I remained silent.  Suddenly - she exploded and said "See!  This is why I get so mad at you.  So I don't know where the car seats are, what's the big deal?  Instead of trying to help me you are over there huffing and puffing shaking your head!  It's no big deal!  We just figure it out".  Often my tongue is quicker than my brain - it's a curse.  But again I refrained and simply said, I'll drive home - get my truck, and come get the girls.  Her response "see - how hard was that".  No consideration for the fact that it was her fault there were no seats, and the fact I had driven 3;5hours+ already after being gone for 2 days.

Turns out she let her neice take the vehicle to prom, who removed the seats and was supposed to have put them back.  She didn't want to tell me because she was "scared of how I would have reacted".  Backstory is this neice is constantly asking for favors, yet if we need her to babysit she is no where to be found.  Considering the vehicle is $40+k with 3000 miles on it - I would have said no for sure - at least for that kid because she doesn't appreciate it (not putting the car seats back makes it clearly evident to me).  On the other hand I'd have thought nothing of letting our other babysitter (non-family) take the vehicle because she is more responsible and a hard worker.

Before my epiphany about her having BPD, She'd have convinced me I was a controlling a-hole that hates her family.  Now I realize I simply have principles and would rather reward hard work, rather than risk an irresponsible, unappreciative 17 year old wreck a brand new vehicle.

Btw - you are not foolish.  It is a well placed and baited trap.  The only thing foolish is not trying to take control of yourself once you learn the "secret".  Beyond that - the brainwashing is very difficult to overcome.

[Gemsforeyes]

I let him leave one month ago yesterday, during what will be his very last unprovoked rage at me.  I learned about BPD during a search almost a week ago "unprovoked rage in men" and it kept taking me to Borderline Personality Disorder.  And BOOM, his traits hit nearly every nail on the head for men with BPD.  All except he never cheated on me.  Two days after I let him leave in this rage he emailed me, the next day he sent me two really nice photos of us and I didn't respond to either.  Then two weeks ago he texted me.  He tried to be cute, I told him he killed my love for him, blah blah blah, he said "I'm sorry I'm not the man you want" and I let those words hang in the air.  It was after that that I learned about his BPD.  There's nothing else I want from him.  He's done enough damage to me.

But one of the most interesting parts of him was the high level of respect he showed toward me in public with regard to other women.  He NEVER, and I do mean NEVER, looked at another woman when he was out with me.  That was the oddest thing I ever witnessed.  Especially since my ex-husband was a gawker to the point of pain, which I had to learn to ignore.  And my BPD hated porn, which I do, too.  But I took very good physical care of him (way way WAY better than he ever took of me-super lazy lover) so maybe he didn't want to test that part of me, but who knows?  All very confounding, but all over now.  Not too many tears left.

I am beginning to get upset about the sailboat, though... .I need to stop myself from thinking about it.

What do you think you're going to do?  Does she acknowledge she has a major issue?  Or does she insist it's all YOU?  I know it's so so difficult.  You'll feel different not only every day, but with these situations, sometimes you'll change your mind several times an hour.  I would say to myself... ."he is the wind and I am the wheat... .". That's what you need to try and avoid, and it sounds like you've got a very strong handle on things - a great awareness.

[publicdefender]

Mine was OCD with lists.  She one time told me that she needed my help when she got run down to help her prioritize her to do list.  I'm sure everyone here can see the trap set there.

The weird thing though was that the house was a sh*tshow.  She had a microwave that didn't work, a freezer completely full of stuff she'd never eat, piles of laundry in her room, and a lot of times there was dog pee from her old dog.  The back yard grass would be a foot high and last time I was there (April) the Christmas lights were still hanging.

[publicdefender]

Also I don't know what state you live in but in a lot there is zero alimony due a cheating spouse.  If you live in a state that allows recordings to be brought into court I would suggest next time she goes on a tangent about the affair you record it with your phone.