Experiences in court with your BPD ex

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone,

I'll introduce myself briefly by stating that I've been a lurker on these forums since mid-November of last year after my two year relationship with my ex-BPDgf came to an end on Halloween in a most spectacularly messed up fashion resulting in her father calling the cops on me after she texted him saying I was treatening her (I did no such thing), the cops showing up and arresting me for domestic violence after she accused me of hitting her (she's the one who actually struck me 4 times while I merely tried to push her away and asked her to leave) and resulting in a restraining order against me.

The night in question the officers asked her, while I was sitting in the squad car in front of my apartment building, whether she wished to press charges or not and if she wanted them to arrest me and she said no that she wanted to think about it, so they left. So I was released with a promise to appear in court and to respect the NC order and to stay at least 100 yards away from her which I had no difficulty with as I had no intention by that point of ever wishing to see or communicate with her in any way, shape or form.

So fast foreard to today and I went to court and after all these months after my lawyer spoke to the prosecution they informed her that my ex does want to press charges and to testify in court, so now I'll have to go back on July 19th at which point we will both testify and each give our version of events from that day and then be cross-examined by the others lawyer and afterwards the judge will decide whether there is enough evidence or grounds to order a trial or to find some alternative solution or outright dimiss the case altogether.

In my favour I did tell my lawyer that my ex is an officially diagnosed borderline, that she had two suicide attempts while we were together each precipitated by my wish to terminate the relationship on both occasions, that she has been hospitalized twice in psychiatric institutions before we met for self-harm, eating disorders and violent outbursts and at 34 years of age I have no criminal record or history of any domestic violence of any kind.

Now my question is this: from those of you who had to face your BPD ex in a courtroom setting, what kind of behaviour or extra accusations did they mention in court and what was their general demeanour during the proceedings?

I ask because I want to be fully prepared for any potential eventuality or unexpected surprises that might take place, and I need to sit down and discuss this in great details with my lawyer so that there will be no surprises at the hearing.

Keep in mind that my ex is a stripper (she started working in that industry about 16 months into our relationship and I was aware of her decision but unaware of her condition at the time, although I knew there was something amiss), that she is 14 years junior (I'm 34), and that she was already frequenting my replacement before our breakup as I found out afterwards although I already suspected it was the case before the breakup.

The replacement she started seeing immediately the very same day we broke up when she went to a party with her stripper friends and they officially became a couple that very same night. This same guy went to jail a month later for two months because of a domestic violence charge and case that is ongoing with the mother of his 10year old daughter btw, boy they sure do know how to pick our replacements let me tell you.

I've got more to share and I will in due time but sadly I must leave for a few hours, but I look forward to any replies/insights and I want to reiterate again what an immense help this site has been to me during these last several months to help me make sense of what i went through and how it has helped speed up my recovery process and undertanding of myself and the reasons why I got so entangled in such a toxic and destructive relationship.

Thank you all for your past and future contributions, this site is a godsend for us victims of the madness that is BPD and the resulting fallout and destruction it leaves in its wake.

[JustMeMyselfandI]

Hello everyone,

I'll introduce myself briefly by stating that I've been a lurker on these forums since mid-November of last year after my two year relationship with my ex-BPDgf came to an end on Halloween in a most spectacularly messed up fashion resulting in her father calling the cops on me after she texted him saying I was treatening her (I did no such thing), the cops showing up and arresting me for domestic violence after she accused me of hitting her (she's the one who actually struck me 4 times while I merely tried to push her away and asked her to leave) and resulting in a restraining order against me.

The night in question the officers asked her, while I was sitting in the squad car in front of my apartment building, whether she wished to press charges or not and if she wanted them to arrest me and she said no that she wanted to think about it, so they left. So I was released with a promise to appear in court and to respect the NC order and to stay at least 100 yards away from her which I had no difficulty with as I had no intention by that point of ever wishing to see or communicate with her in any way, shape or form.

So fast foreard to today and I went to court and after all these months after my lawyer spoke to the prosecution they informed her that my ex does want to press charges and to testify in court, so now I'll have to go back on July 19th at which point we will both testify and each give our version of events from that day and then be cross-examined by the others lawyer and afterwards the judge will decide whether there is enough evidence or grounds to order a trial or to find some alternative solution or outright dimiss the case altogether.

In my favour I did tell my lawyer that my ex is an officially diagnosed borderline, that she had two suicide attempts while we were together each precipitated by my wish to terminate the relationship on both occasions, that she has been hospitalized twice in psychiatric institutions before we met for self-harm, eating disorders and violent outbursts and at 34 years of age I have no criminal record or history of any domestic violence of any kind.

Now my question is this: from those of you who had to face your BPD ex in a courtroom setting, what kind of behaviour or extra accusations did they mention in court and what was their general demeanour during the proceedings?

I ask because I want to be fully prepared for any potential eventuality or unexpected surprises that might take place, and I need to sit down and discuss this in great details with my lawyer so that there will be no surprises at the hearing.

Keep in mind that my ex is a stripper (she started working in that industry about 16 months into our relationship and I was aware of her decision but unaware of her condition at the time, although I knew there was something amiss), that she is 14 years junior (I'm 34), and that she was already frequenting my replacement before our breakup as I found out afterwards although I already suspected it was the case before the breakup.

The replacement she started seeing immediately the very same day we broke up when she went to a party with her stripper friends and they officially became a couple that very same night. This same guy went to jail a month later for two months because of a domestic violence charge and case that is ongoing with the mother of his 10year old daughter btw, boy they sure do know how to pick our replacements let me tell you.

I've got more to share and I will in due time but sadly I must leave for a few hours, but I look forward to any replies/insights and I want to reiterate again what an immense help this site has been to me during these last several months to help me make sense of what i went through and how it has helped speed up my recovery process and undertanding of myself and the reasons why I got so entangled in such a toxic and destructive relationship.

Thank you all for your past and future contributions, this site is a godsend for us victims of the madness that is BPD and the resulting fallout and destruction it leaves in its wake.

[Lollypop]

Hi justmemyselfandi

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad you've found the support you've needed in the past months while you work things out for yourself. I'm sorry to hear about the incident and court case, I know impending legal action can severely impact day to day living. It must be very stressful for you and to find that she's now pressing charges is a punch in the gut.

I normally spend my time on Parenting and I've an adult son 26 with BPD traits. I can't answer your question from direct experience of being in court but I can reply by relating to how I believe we'd  behave in a similar situation. There's a lot of parents on Parenting trying to deal with impetuous and risky behaviours of their young daughters. We are naturally protective and try and fix the problems. We live in hope that we can stop them behaving the way they do and we get caught up in the dramas.

You don't know if your exGF decided to press charges or if she was persuaded to do so - maybe by her lawyer or her dad?  What's the purpose for pressing charges - financial gain, get you back because she now hates you, parent feeling it's the right thing to do to protect their daughter?  Her parents, presumably, will be in court to support her.  Their presence will affect how the exGF behaves; she'll feel a lot of pressure to do and say the right thing for them and of course the lawyer.  I know you know this already but I want to reinforce this.

The BPD diagnosis is helpful for both of you. On the one hand, it explains how difficult you had it but it doesn't go any way towards condoning any of your behaviours (rightly or wrongly).  It explains how her behaviours are erratic but it also shows how vulnerable she is, only 20 and in way too over her head. To be honest, nobody knows what she'll say or how she'll behave. A vulnerable picture can easily be painted here on both sides - but your 34.

I'd concentrate on how you, as a responsible adult, tried to rationally deal with this relationship you found yourself in and stick to facts.  The court may see through the BPD veil and understand that you too were caught up in the emotional blackmail and turmoil.

Presumably they'll stick to the facts of the incident: she texted that she'd been threatened. Then she changed her story and said she'd been hit. Then wouldn't press charges. She changed her mind months later.  The court must see this kind of stuff all the time so will be used to it. Are there any older court cases similar with BPD involved?

I hope my view and thoughts help you

Good luck. Remember to take care of yourself.

LP

[bus boy]

They are incapable of any kind of genuine human emotion unless it's to deceive so don't expect anything but lies from a BPD/NPD in court. My Xw lied horrifically on her sworn affidavit and on the stand under oath. They have the empathy of a cobra. I have been to family court several times to face the slink and every time it's a very emotionally disturbing event. This is my experience, I hope and pray yours is different.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey JustMe, If it's just she said/he said with no physical proof or eyewitness testimony that you hit her, I don't see this going anywhere.  In fact, my gut feeling is that your Ex will never show up in court.  If she does, it will be easy for your lawyer to cross examine her, in my view.

LuckyJim

[JustMeMyselfandI]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it very much.

To answer your question Miss Lollypop as to what motivated my ex to press ahead and testify and press charges after all these months, my personal belief is that she is doing so partially out of spite because at the end of our relationship I revealed to her my knowledge about some of her lies and deceitful behaviour/infidelities that she did not know that I was aware of.

By doing so she completely unraveled and became hysterical and immediately threatened to call the police on me and to ruin my life, at which point an argument ensued where I kept bringing up incidents from our past where I pointed out how much I had tried to help her overcome her demons only to be rewarded with more lies, abusive behaviour and language and physical assault.

The more I spoke the more enraged she became and ended up slapping me in the face three times on three separate occasions in a ten minute span and when she attempted to do so a 4th time I finally grabbed her wrist to stop her from hitting me and brought her down to the ground and told her to stop and to get out and that I never wanted to see her again.

I told her that she was a horrible human being, a selfish and self centered monster and that she was the biggest mistake of my life and that I regret having spent the last two years of my life with such a toxic and lying individual.

I realIze that these were fighting words, but I was so beside myself with anger and pain that I just let it all out and spoke from the heart and told her I could not do this anymore.

She then left to go shopping with her friend and I left about an hour later as I doctors appointment to go to, when I arrived there I received a text from her saying "I hope you're happy now" to which I reaponded "I'll be happy once you're gone and out of my life you evil witch, I see you for what you really are now and you will never EVER fool, hurt or deceive me again!"

So it is my belief that now that I said these things, I am painted the blackest of black and that she wants to punish me and destroy my reputation and to validate her feelings of being a victim because I finally saw her for what she really is.

I want to say however that I do not hate my ex, after having read so much about her condition over these last several months I pity her more than anything but at the same time I will fight tooth and nail to restore my reputation and to clear my name.

I believe I do have an ace up my sleeve as well that will help me greatly, you see her parents were not aware that she was a stripper during and after our relationship (I don't know if she still works as one but I suspect she does), and I remember that one of her greatest fears was that they would find out and that they would disown and be ashamed of her.

If my hunch is true, and I believe it is, they are still not aware of what she did and in one of our last exchanges on messenger right after the breakup I told her that I would keep her secret but that if she insisted on testifying and going to trial that at that point all bets are off and I would bring it up in court.

I don't know if she has reached a point where she either doesn't remember or care, but it is something I will bring up in court since it is relevant to the events that transpired that day and maybe, hopefully, that will cause her to reconsider her decision and decide that it's better to move on.

And of course if it does go to trial, I will call her father as a witness to testify about the fact that he was aware of an incident about three months before we split where she punched me in the face and gave me a black eye, which she showed him a picture of and bragged about.

I doubt that she would want to put her father in a position to potentially perjure himself on the stand, but then again one simply doesn't know what to expect from a BPD hellbent on revenge but I've got to do whatever it takes to demonstrate her history of physical violence.

She was institutionalized twice after all for cutting herself, severe eating disorders and violent outbursts in the past including charging towards her own father with a knife in hand at one point where he had to restrain her and choke her out, and I'll make it a point to tell my lawyer all ese things and bring it up in court.

Whereas I at 34 yrs of age have no criminal history of any kind, no history of domestic violence and was in a relationship for 11 years before I met my ex where I raised two stepsons who I both still keep in touch with.

I would like to believe that all these factors, along with having respected the NC contact order issued and with this being a he said/she said case with no eyewitnesses or any clear and obvious evidence of assault will ultimately clear my name.

However, having read stories from other members here and their experiences prompted me to start is thread to gather as much information as possible about what type of behaviour, statements and accusations I might have to deal with so that I am as prepared as humanly possible to face them.

I thank you again LuckyJim, Lollypop and Busboy for taking the time to reply and if anyone else would like to chime in and share their experiences or offer any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

[JustMeMyselfandI]

I forgot to add that another reason why I believe she is pressing ahead with this and I believe this is her main motivation, is that she will again get to play the role of the victim and thus elicit the sympathy and attention she so desperately craves from her family and "friends" and thus have the spotlight on her.

The courtroom will be her stage and she will be the star of her own production, at least that's my take on it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, JustMe, She may enjoy playing the victim role, as you note, but I doubt she wants to be under oath in a court room where her credibility will be at issue.  My guess: she will never take the stand.  In the meantime, she is probably enjoying the attention as well as relishing the chance to put you through a legal ordeal.

LJ

[JustMeMyselfandI]

Hello again, JustMe, She may enjoy playing the victim role, as you note, but I doubt she wants to be under oath in a court room where her credibility will be at issue.  My guess: she will never take the stand.  In the meantime, she is probably enjoying the attention as well as relishing the chance to put you through a legal ordeal.

LJ

From what I understand we will both be required to take the stand and answer questions and give our version of events and then the judge will decide if the case merits going to trial or suggest an alternative solution, so at least in this instance she will take the stand.

However I will only get to meet with my legal aid lawyer the week before going to court and I'm seriously debating at this point whether I should just pay out of pocket and get my own lawyer with who I can extensively work with to build my case between now and july 19th.

I need a lawyer that's going to be a shark and be hostile towards my ex, someone with an attitude and demanour that can rattle her and get her to slip up. At this point though I'm also curious about this cd that was handed to my current lawyer by the prosecution with supposed pictures of the bruises I gave her with my imaginary assault.

My guess is these are pictures of bruises she constantly got while she was stripping dancing on the pole, sometimes her legs, forearms and lower back would get so bruised she looked like she was assaulted it was that bad.

Either way I will definately at least pay for a consultation with a lawyer and get a different opinion about how to proceed here, I need to make sure I have the best representation possible and someone who will shift the spotlight from me onto my ex and her history of impulsive/reckless and abusive behaviour.

 

[Idsrvt2]

Hello, feel free to read my posts as I was also slapped with a false protection order. Please hire the best attorney you can find .
I went with legal aide and it did not go well for me, mostly because they would not represent his case against me... .and only mine against him... .stupid imo.

My x wanted everything dropped once in court, but I believe because he realized his guns would be taken, and his employer would now have to know.  It was a ton of manipulation and him refusing to settle, so I was prepped for trial... .break for lunch
I come back in and almost bump into my x in the hallway... .I was confident and we made eye contact... .
I knew there was no way he could take the stand , he is reclusive and shy ... .I was right... .judge calls a side bar and twenty long min later I'm being told my my atty that it's four months or risk trial and loosing it all as both cases are weak. 

His mom and sister showed up, his mom would smile at me, I never met them.  I was told his sister felt I was a nutcase
Next court date he has the cop family member attend with the other two... like it's a lil party.
Avian I will say hire the best attorney possible ... explain it's a false order ... .what u want is it dismissed or a settlement so it won't appear in your record

[Idsrvt2]

That's what my x did... .poor him... .that's why in my order I put all the bdsm crap he tried to push on me... .find a cut throat atty is my advice and see my reply above.
My court date is beg of July... .yes back for the third time in court.  I already have my outfit all picked out.

I forgot to add that another reason why I believe she is pressing ahead with this and I believe this is her main motivation, is that she will again get to play the role of the victim and thus elicit the sympathy and attention she so desperately craves from her family and "friends" and thus have the spotlight on her.

The courtroom will be her stage and she will be the star of her own production, at least that's my take on it.

[StressedStepMom2]

Boy do I have experience with this!  My stepdaughter 's BPD mom put on the best performance I've ever seen in court.  The reason is because she believes her lies.  She was crying and shaking violently.  She represented herself and the judge really took pity on her.  If this is the case for you, you really need to understand the judge you will have and how the personality of your lawyer is going to match up with your ex in court.  You have to be SO careful about looking like you are ganging up on her.  I cannot emphasize enough the importance of getting an attorney who knows the judge.  Be prepared for this whole production to be about her and yes the victim card.  But she could also make statements to provoke responses from you that elude to you being in love/ obsessed with her and that you are "just trying to hurt her" because you are jealous.  Keep her to the black and white and don't get pulled into discussions where she can muddy the water to cover over her lies.  You need concrete documentation, facts, records, recordings, to discredit the lies because she will be SO believable that even YOU will WANT to believe her.  Try to find ex-friends who know her track record and are willing to testify to her credibility.  Hire a private investigator and get a voice recording of her talking about the incident but check with your attorney to make sure it is admissible evidence in your state.  Anything you can do to prove she's lying because your word won't be good enough- period.    Save every email, text message, document you have from any and all interactions with her and export them into PDF form.  Purchase a photo forensic app to gather time-date stamps on pictures and GPS data.  You will need an army of evidence to go to war against the manipulation and courtroom theatrics that you are about to experience.

[Idsrvt2]

How did it all go?

My final court date was gen days ago... I regret getting legal aid back involved in my case as they called my xs attorney and they agreed to drop the temp orders, however legal aide never told me I didn't have to show up and there I was in court, my x who started all this got the day off and to stay home .

I had no real closure as a result as I had hoped he would have to appear again .

Ours never went to trial all my x said was his name and yes a few times.  There was not enough evidence to make them final, so now his big grand show he started is over and now he has to deliver my mail once again. 
If your x is anything like mine it's all for a show, to bully, to put you through the courts.
The only positive I had in appearing ten days ago were three women told me the judge that granted his temporary order was corrupt and they have no clue what my x said to get one on me as all he had were text msgs... the worst I called him a loser .   In my state we need physical violence or threats of harm... .how a grown man with fifty guns got a temp order is beyond me.